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RAW SATIRE    
An Alternate Reality
With a Penchant for Poetry 

June 4, 2008

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Everything seemed to be situation normal, but then SHOCKING SWERVE~! everything went downhill faster than WCW on a Monday. Triple H and the Rather Officious Looking Penguin made their escape on the mysterious couch. Will our heroes ever get home? Find out…TONIGHT!
 
The couch lands outside an arena with a thud.

Triple H: Whoops. I think we just killed Orton.

Rather Officious Looking Penguin: Killing him with a couch wasn’t very sportin’!

HHH: Why in the world are you rhyming, dear bird?

Officious Penguin: It seems that in this world, we must rhyme the last word.

 
HHH: Ugh…can’t we just go home already?

Officious Penguin: Be back in a few hours, going to look for spaghetti!

John Cena: Triple H! The Champ! My biggest rival!

HHH: John Cena, a rapper, I was prepared for your arrival.

Cena: I want a shot at your WWE championship belt!

HHH: Do you really want the greatest beating you’ve ever felt?

Cena: If you want some, come get some! My greatest one-liner!

HHH: Too bad you stole that line from poor ol’ Rick Steiner!

Jeff Hardy: I am here! I would like a title match as well!

Cena: As Vince McMahon would say, “No Chance in Hell!”

HHH: Two suspensions in, and you still want to main event?

Jeff: Hey, I’ve got to find some way to pay my rent.

HHH: You’re both idiots, go back to raps and emoetry!

Jeff: How dare you mock my emotion bearing poetry?!

Vince McMahon: 
Enough! Stop! I’ve had it with you all!
Quite frankly, your conduct is casting a great pall.
A million dollars you can win, for watching this show,
Though for the pain you suffer it’s a paltry amount of dough.
Tonight, in that very ring, a match I am scheming,
Between John Cena and Jeff Hardy, who needs redeeming.
And thus I wash my hands of this WWE title situation,
Stay tuned for more bad rhyming, on your USA station!

(ads)

Ken Kennedy: 
I guess some people really miss William Regal,
And think that my beating him wasn’t very legal,
Forgetting for a minute his sixty day suspension,
Hearing him bitch about crowds wasn’t good for retention.

Paul Burchill: 
Oi’ I’m British, and my sister is attractive,
I’m helping her prepare for her match, I’m very pro-active.
But I wouldn’t want you, Ken, to not wrestle at all,
So I’ve arranged for your new opponent, Totally Not Jamal!

Kennedy: JAMAL!

Ken Kennedy vs. Totally Not Jamal

To start Not Jamal and Ken do their thing,
With Not Jamal landing swing after swing,
Kennedy goes outside,
Not Jamal does collide,
With the announce table outside of the ring.

So Kennedy wins the match by a hair,
Because Not Jamal wasn’t really there,
Paul Burchill attacks,
And lays on some smacks,
Back stabbing attacks aren’t very fair!

Backstage, some men carry some money.
That’s just the facts, it’s not funny.

(ads)

Vince is on the stage with his cash.
Where any good hopes he will dash.

Vince McMahon: 
I said last week I was going to give out a million,
With a promo that was bordering on vaudevillian,
Here you see before me a box,
Which contains one million bucks,
Visit the website of my corporation,
And give us your personal information,
To fund the contest we’ll sell,
Your info to everybody, it’s swell!

Everybody else hates our great sport,
For all the drugs we shoot and snort,
But I bet that if I offer you all cash,
The people that left will be back in a flash!
So register as fast as if you were in a race,
Don’t miss the two dollars for sixth place!

(ads)

Santino Marella and Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Holly

Roddy Piper comes out to keep time,
And learns that Holly and Cody can’t rhyme,
Nor can they wrestle,
Which makes Piper a vessel,
To distract Holly from Carlito back climb.

(ads)

Backstage….

Todd Grisham: Forget it. I’m not rhyming.

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Come on, it’s more fun than miming!

Grisham: No. It’s stupid.

Santino Marella: I had-a the sex-a with Maria like-a the Cupid!

Carlito: You’ll beat ol’ Cousin Sal!

Santino: Thank-a you, my tag-a teaming, pal!

Carlito: Let’s avoid all the stupid late night jokes!

Santino: And go-a drink some-a frosty egg-a yokes!

Grisham: I really hate this universe, bye bye!

Todd Grisham drowns himself in lye.

Elsewhere…..

Hardcore Holly: How dare you not tell me about Piper?

Cody Rhodes: 
Quit treating me like I’m wearing a diaper!
I thought it would screw with Santino,
And that scruffy afroed Latino!

Holly: 
I’m the old guy so don’t mess with me,
Or else into your bag I will pee.

Ted Dibiase Jr: 
I’m here to remind you that I exist,
So “Goodbye” to your titles you should kiss.
I’m going to choose a great mate,
And win the belts, it’s fate!
I’ll do it with class and spice,
As dad says, “Something…something…price!”

Meanwhile…..

Jim Ross: By gawd, Chris Jericho, you have a match!

Chris Jericho: You’re interviewing me? What’s the catch?

Jerry “” Lawler: What’s the deal between you and Shawn?

Jericho: 
My return so far has been quite a yawn,
It’s time to do something a little more neat,
Get the fans out of their seats,
So now while I’m still in my prime-

J.R.: Sorry, you’re all out of time.

(ads)

Chris Jericho vs. John Bradshaw Leyfield
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

JBL and Chris being to brawl,
Surprisingly, John doesn’t opt to stall,
He doesn’t want the belt,
That Jericho has heldt,
Because IC is just too damn small.

So Bradshaw rolls out of the ring,
He’s already tired of wrestling,
Jericho raises up a chair,
But then he decides to spare,
Bradshaw from it’s metallic sting.

(ads)

Beth Phoenix and Katie Lea Burchill vs. Melina and Alexis Laree

Here we have the girls fighting,
The crowd Alexis and Katie delighting,
‘Tis not Katie’s debut,
Despite what J.R. tells you,
She won the last Super Crazy sighting.

Melina won’t tag into the match,
Until she could punch Beth and scratch,
She takes Phoenix down,
But she ends up the clown,
Because Katie puts Alexis on dispatch.

Paul Burchill comes out to cheer,
While the audience can’t bother to jeer,
But he gets attacked,
By Kennedy he gets thwacked,
With punches, boots, and a kind-of spear.

(ads)

Shad Gaspard and JTG come out,
And near the money they stand and pout,
Then they’re shooed away,
Enough of you today,
Thanks to Cryme Tyme for coming out!

Lance Cade vs. Trevor Murdoch

This breakup came out of the blue,
And it makes me kind of sad too,
Cade clearly wants the win,
And he gets the pin,
Trevor? “I wish I could quit you!”

Backstage:
Jeff Hardy is ready to fight,
Dressed up like emo Rainbow Bright,
He wants to fight Hunter,
But if I were a punter,
I’d say he’s going to lose…TONIGHT!

(ads)

John Cena and Alexis are backstage.

John Cena: Hey, Alexis let’s go have sex!

Alexis Laree: John, isn’t your match next?

Cena: 
I’m tired of all of these rumors,
By the way, I found your bloomers.

Alexis: This angle is causing me embarrassment.

WWE Chief Medical Officer Dr. The Boogeyman: I’m WWE Chief Medical Officer Dr. The Boogeyman and I’m going to file for…HARASSMENT!

(ads)

Jeff Hardy vs. John Cena
To Become the Number One Contender for the WWE Title

So here we have Cena and Hardy,
Both think they’re some kind of smarties,
They want to get the title,
But it is most vital,
The remember that Hunter’s no party.

Congratulations to all of you grads,
And, in a few weeks, all you dads.
It’s your special day,
Randy Orton says “Hey!”
I’m just stalling ‘til we get through these-

(ads)

Jeff is doing some flips when we come back,
Then John Cena goes on the attack,
He goes for the FU,
But Jeff blocks that too,
Do I have time to grab a little snack?

Nope, because Cena wins after a bit,
When, finally, the FU he hits,
Triple H comes out to glare,
And John gives him a stare,
It’s a feud they won’t ever quit!

Triple H: 
I’m so tired you wouldn’t believe!
Penguin, how do we this dimension leave?

Rather Officious Looking Penguin: Orange?

Next Week: 
Will our friends finally get what they seek?
Or find yet another universe oblique?
What of John Cena?
Or now-face Melina?
I guess you’ll have to tune in next week!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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