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RAW SATIRE    
The Penguin's Final Revenge 

June 18, 2008

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Everything returned to normal. Well, except that “normal” included Vince McMahon dialing a phone for an hour for some reason. Oh, and Shawn Michaels getting beaten up by Chris Jericho. That can’t be right, can it? Let’s find out…TONIGHT!
 
(Opening Credits)

Are you hungry? Because I’ve got a fresh serving of APPLE DOUGH!!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YO! YOOOOOOO!

Night of Champions approaches,
And everybody is flying,
I’m going to beat Triple H,
Without even trying!

 
Remember where you were,
When Hogan defeated Andre?
When Austin stunned McMahon,
Or George Bush beat Kanye?

Remember the Gobbledy Gooker?
Or when Bastion Booger hit the ring?
When Vince gave out a million bucks,
And killed RAW’s rating?

Well, I’m here to tell you,
With a confident half-snear,
That none of that matters,
Because THE CHAMP IS-

Triple H: Dude, come on. I’ve still got the belt. That means I’m still the champ…ion. Champion. The champion is here. And it’s me.

Cena: How dare you interrupt my phat beats? You know, did you ever wonder why nobody likes you, Hunter?

HHH: No, but I doubt it’s because I interrupted your stupid rap.

Cena: It’s because you’re a big jerk who doesn’t care about anybody else’s feelings. How would you like it if I came out to interrupt your promos, huh? How would that make you feel?

HHH: I’d feel just fine once I gave you the PEDIGREE TO CENA!

Cena: You have a big nose!

HHH: All the fans secretly hate you.

Cena: All the internet wants to string you up by your ears.

HHH: Donkey face!

Cena: Bed wetter!

HHH: Armpit sniffer!

Cena: Snot nozzle!

Vince McMahon: Gentlemen, that’s enough! I will have no more name calling on this program! Think about your reputations! And absolutely no roughhousing. Save that for the pay per view, boys. Now, nobody could remember last week’s password, so we’ll make tonight’s password easy. It’s “Hello.” You say “Hello” and you win! Now here’s a match!

HHH: Ugh. I need a nap, can we have a match later?

John Cena vs. Totally Not Jamal
In a Street Fight

Me too, Hunter. I think RAW’s ratings would be much better if there was a mandatory nap break somewhere in the show. OH! And Snack time! Hell yeah. Remind me again why I’m not booking this show. Not Jamal is unfazed by the money on his way out. I think the currency in Deepest Darkest Samoa (yams?) is valued more than the American Dollar right now. I’m trading almost exclusively in pancakes here now. Not Jamal hits the Thumb to the Eye after a few seconds, but unfortunately for everybody involved, it was on some guy at ringside. That’ll show him for going to a WWE show.

(ads)

Not Jamal attempts some butt related offense when we come back, mostly ending in him comically falling over and frowning. I think you’re not a real “superstar” in this industry until you have at least a little bit of butt related offense. Wasn’t that even Andre the Giant’s special move in one of those crappy WWF NES games? Wait, is it cool for me to say WWF here? Or will the world Wildlife Fund come after me? Not Jamal spears a whale. Well, that does it for me, I guess. It’s been fun! Cena hits the FU (no, F-U, WWF!), and gets the win. Poor Not Jamal.

Vince McMahon: What a great match, eh folks? Shut up. We’re in Utah. You have literally nothing better to do with your time than come down here. I’m going to call a guy, but this week you can’t hear me dial their numbers live on air. No! This wee, I’m going to show you the cards with the numbers on them! Call away, folks!

Denzel: Hi!

Vince: Uh, is this Denzel? Why didn’t you say the password?

Denzel: What password? Who is this?

Gabe: Ha! Denzel Washington everybody! I loved you in Training Day!

Vince: Hey! Did you give me Denzel Washington’s number just so I would call him?

Gabe: Yes. Shut up.

Vince: Well, you won $125,000, Denzel.

Denzel: Well, that’s just fine. Thanks.

Vince: Now bark like a dog!

Denzel: What do I look like, Trish Stratus?

(ads)

It’s time for a Bikini Contest with your host…Charlie Haas?!

Charlie Haas: Yeah, I don’t get it either. Anyway, I’m out here to point at some half naked girls for a while. Hey, it’s a good gig if you can get it. Especially since they cancelled Internet Heat. Jackie is going to kill me for this, but whatevs. On with the bikinis!

I only recognize, like…four of these people. Who in the hell is Eve Torres? And there’s an Asian girl in there too. I have no clue who she is either. Hey! Maryse! Two things I don’t understand about Maryse:

1) I don’t get how she’s dating two guys from the 1950s.

2) I don’t get how she’s still employed by WWE.

Seriously, though, I guess WWE was right on the ball with the whole greaser thing, though. Thanks Shia Labeouf. I like that he manages to have every vowel in his name. That’s pretty neat. He should be Shiy Labeaouf. Oh, the Bikini contest? Maria won. Like there was any doubt. She’s the new My Darling Stacy.

On the stage….

Vince McMahon: That’s great. Everybody loves the naked girl who marries everybody. And, for some reason, Charlie Haas. Ok, surely this person will know the password. Is. Hello, is this Mike? What’s the password, Mike?

Mike: Yo, how’d you get this number?

Vince: You signed up for McMahon’s Millions…I’m calling you to give you $100,000.

Mike: Yo! That’s great. I need some money so I can pay the Falcons back…Hey, did you say this was Vince McMahon?

Vince: Uh, yeah….

Mike: How do you feel about pay per view dog fighting?

Vince: We’ll discuss that after the show, I think. How do you feel about barking like a dog?

Mike: What do I look like, Denzel Washington? Hey, is Ric Flair there?

Vince: This interview is OVER!

(ads)

Backstage, Chris Jericho is oiling up. Yes. That is the entire segment. Thanks for that. Meanwhile, on the stage, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan is playing dress up with his board by dressing it up in a tiny dress, and Vince is back to working the phones.

Vince McMahon: Um…Who’s your friend, Jim?

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan: That’s my beautiful board! Happy Father’s Day to me! HOOOOO!

Vince: Uh, sure thing. Since I don’t trust an idiot like you to touch anything that has wires in it, I’ll dial this number. Surely, this man will know how to say hello.

Duggan: HellOOOOOOOOOO!

Vince: Shut up. Hello?

Bobby: Hello?

Vince: That’s the password! You wi-

Bobby: Just kidding, I’m not here. Leave a message.

*beep*

Vince: You idiot. We even told you we’d be calling. Geez. Ok, fine. Let’s try that again.

Duggan: I guess you could say he wasn’t HOOOOOOOOOOOOme!

Vince: Shut up. Gabe, bring me another number.

Gabe: And my mom said I’d never amount to anything! In your face, mom!

The next guy’s ringtone is the DX theme. Um…DXROLL”D~!?

Jesse: Moshi Moshi!

Vince: Oh, come ON! Do you know the password or not?

Jesse: Wait…is this Vince McMahon? The same Vince McMahon who owes me $50,000 for some commentary I did in the 80s?

Vince: Jesse Ventura?! Come on! Fine. It just so happens the prize for winning this call is…well, what do you know! $50,000! Congratulations. At least you weren’t an answering machine.

Jesse: I ain’t got time to beep.

Jeff Hardy runs out. Sadly, nobody questions why Jesse Ventura had the DX theme as his ringtone.

(ads)

Jeff Hardy vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool

So are Carlito and Santino through? That’s too bad because they were a pretty terrific tag team. Man, I hurt my shoulder yesterday and it’s really bothering me. So I’m just pretending to watch this match right now if that’s all right weith everybody. I mean, we all know that Jeff is going to hit the Swanton and win, right? Ok. Great. I’ve always wondered if having as much hair as Carlito is really uncomfortable in the winter. Or a big nasty beard. These are the things I wonder about when I’m purposely not paying any attention to…Oh, wait. Jeff won after he hit the Swanton. So, there you go. Congrats!

Back to the stage for more McMania.

Vince McMahon: It’s time to give away some money because I’ve got nothing better to do. Do you realize how much time this saves us from actually having to write the shows? It’s fantastic! Anyway, to the phone!

Kyle: Whatup?

Vince: Is this Kyle from Minnesota? Do you know the password to win $175,000?

Kyle: No. But do you mind if I ramble about my birthday and sing a track off of my band’s new album “Goat Stump Humpers” available now on, like, Bit Torrent and stuff?

Vince: Knock your self out, Karl!

Kyle: Ok, here we go.

GOAAAAAAAT!
GOOOOOOOOOATS!
I like goats, I like them a lot
Do you like goats?
GOOOOOOAAAT!

Vince: Karl, everybody! I’m gonna keep that $175,000, though. Now, here’s my favorite wrestler of all time, Chris Jericho.

Chris Jericho: Thanks for bringing me out here without taking a commercial break, Vince. You know, I was just thinking that I came back to Save WWE, but I’m doing a really terrible job of it. Look, ECW is falling apart, Smackdown is withering on the vine, RAW is being strangled by this phone call business, and my favorite show of all time Internet Heat is being CANCELLED! So what have I done about it? Well…I did hit Shawn Michaels with a TV. That’s…more than 90% of the roster has done lately. Seriously, though, I’m sick of Shawn Michaels prancing about. Who’s done more than I have lately?

Ric Flair: The question you should be asking yourself, Chris Jericho, is not “Who?” But “WOOOOOOOOO?”

(ads)

Back to the ring.

Chris Jericho: That doesn’t even make any sense. What kind of question is “WOOOOO?” anyway?

Ric Flair: It’s the greatest question a man could ever ask! What has anybody done in WWE lately? I’ve retired! I said I’d NEVER retire! But I did it! Hitting Shawn Michaels with a TV? That’s nothing! Nothing next to a wheelindealinkissstealinjetflyinlimori-

Jericho: Look, dude, we all know who you are. Aren’t you supposed to be back in that asylum? Who let you off the bus again?

Scott Hall: My bad, mang. I was taking them all to Vegas and I guess we took a wrong turn.

Flair: Fight me in the parking lot? Is that what you’re challenging me to do? Fight me in the parking lot? WOO! I’ll never retire!

Flair runs backstage. Jericho and Hall shake their heads and give chase. Just as Jericho is about to get into the parking lot, he runs headlong into Triple H.

Triple H: Hey, Scott! Glad to see you off the couch!

Hall: I’m gonna leave you two alone.

HHH: Jericho, I don’t know what pact with the devil you’ve made to suddenly become relevant again, but it ends here. All your “Save Us” shenanigans, and your weird hair cut, and hitting my friends with TVs, that’s all gotta stop.

Jericho: Aww…Really?

HHH: If it makes you feel any better, I take the greatest pleasure in beating you up.

(ads)

Outside, Ric Flair is brawling in the parking lot against himself.

Ric Flair: Retire me? I’m already retired! Retire me?! I’m already retired!! Come on, old man, let’s see what you got! Nonono! WOO! Owww….

Flair chops himself, flops, begs off, and then hits himself with a low blow sending him crashing down to the pavement.

Triple H: Well…Good to see we let him leave with his dignity.

Vince McMahon: I’ll have security take him back out to the bus. He won’t want to miss the breakfast buffet at the Luxor. So what about you, what are your big plans for the night?

HHH: You forgot to book a main event again, didn’t you?

Vince: I was meaning to, but I got so excited with the cash grab thing, and ratings falling last week, that I just…forgot. Yes. I forgot to book a main event this week.

HHH: And every week for the past ten years. I suppose I could wrestle Jericho, or something.

Vince: So it is written. So shall it be done. Security! There’s a drunk hobo in the parking lot! Can you please move him?

Meanwhile….

Cryme Tyme vs. Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes

This is not for the WWE World Tag Team titles because that would be cheating. Ted Diabise Jr. comes down to the ring to check things out, but we’re ALL OUT OF TIME! So Holly just rolls JTG up for the win. That was…The best match on RAW in weeks. Way to go, guys.

Vince McMahon: Another stunning example of how excellent the athletes in WWE are. A round of applause for whoever that was in that last match. Now, let’s give away some money shall we?

Becky: Hey, y’all! It’s so nice for you to call me!

Vince: Becky, do you know the password for tonight’s cash grab?

Becky: Oh, fiddlesticks, I forgot RAW was on tonight, and I don’t have a computer. Only 37 cats.

Vince: That’s good enough for $16! Enjoy a gallon of gas on us.

(ads)

Katie Lea and Paul Burchill vs. Alexis Laree and Ken Kennedy

Did Alexis and Cena already break up? Man, I hate these wrestling relationships. They’re all so hard to keep track of. And why did Katie Lea drop her Burchill? Are we all supposed to be distracted by the fact that the dude wants to sleep with his sister? I don’t care. I’m never dropping her Burchill. That is *really* fun to write, by the way. Everybody drop your Burchill! Alexis makes the attempt, but Katie rolls her up for the win. I do like how we can only ever focus on two women at a time. The rest of y’all are just going to have to wear bikinis to get on the show. That’s the rules. Otherwise you can go to the other show and fight over a cardboard star.

Vince McMahon: I wasn’t…even really paying attention to that last match. Good for me, right? Ok, let’s call our next person here.

Alana: Who is this?

Vince: This is Vince McMahon. Am I interrupting something?

Alana: I was just on my honeymoon with my new husband, Rick-

Rick Scaia: Vince, I don’t really have time to sit here and chat, but I’m going to be honest with you. The way you’re booking RAW is really getting sand in my vagina and lime in my beer. So I wish you’d eat a bug you stupid prick. Now, back to not renewing my domain name and not writing any columns.

Alana: That’s why I love you, Ricky poo.

Rick: Pun with the word “Broad” in it!

Vince: What a couple of idiots. I’m giving their money to Charlie Haas.

Charlie Haas: This is the BEST MONTH EVER!!!

Ken Kennedy: EVER!

(ads)

It’s time to waste more time!

Vince McMahon: God, I love treading water. Who doesn’t love that? It’s a good workout. Ok, let’s call up another totally random person, and hand them a check worth at least enough to buy a nice tricked out Hover Round.

Peter: Hell-

Vince: Yes?

Peter: Hell-

Vince: Go on!

Peter: Hell!
No Chance in Hell!
You’ve got…
No Chance!

Seriously, though. You guys ruined “Big Time” for me. I can never play it again.

Vince: Well…Peter Gabriel everybody. Sorry about that. I’ll still give you $75,000 for the best version of my theme song I’ve heard in weeks.

Peter: And I’ll still take it.

Elsewhere….

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Y-

Triple H: No No No No No NO! NO!

Cena: Aw, come on! You interrupted my last one!

HHH: You were only one word off. Agh. Go ahead. Finish it.

Cena: HERE!! Thank you!

HHH: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(ads)

Vince is back in the money pit.

Vince McMahon: Look! I found my old locker key in here. I was wondering where this went off to. Now, I know what you’re all thinking out there, “How the hell much longer is he going to be dragging this crap out?” Plenty longer. We proved it with Floyd Mayweather. We know how to blow cash like nobody’s business. Anyway, I’m definitely doing it next week. Why? Because we’ve got three hours of this crap to fill, and I’m going to guarandamntee that we don’t have anything that remotely resembles wrestling going on in those three hours. Now, let’s give it up for our next winner. Hello, do you know the password?

Frankie: Do you know the password?

Vince: Well…yes, I do?

Frankie: Tippicanoe?

Vince: And Tyler too?

Frankie: BRAWK!

Koko B. Ware: Frankie!! How many times do I have to tell you to stay off the damn phone? Our long distance bills are killing me! Sorry, whoever this is. My bird is out of control!

Vince McMahon: Well…I’m pretty sure birds aren’t eligible to win, so I’m going to award the $300,000 to myself, for knowing what the password was. Which was…Uh…Yeah. Whatever.

Triple H vs. Chris Jericho

This is non-title, of course. Hunter wants nothing to do with the Intercontinental Title and Jericho clearly wants nothing to do with the WWE Title. Especially while that crap still spins. Wait…does it still spin? Do we have an official ruling on that? It’d be a shame if it didn’t. That’s part of the charm of the belt. Hunter sure is letting Jericho get in a ton of offense here. I wonder if he’s getting a cut of the Million Dollar Cash Grab. He’s getting paid off to ensure there’s a game 7! The announcers argue about what it’d be like if Triple H got drafted to Smackdown while I laugh because they’re a bunch of idiots.

(ads)

Hunter gets in all his knee based offense, which is nice. It’s good that he’s back in the flow of hitting every spot that he can think of that draws attention to his two horrific injuries. Jericho nails the world’s least impressive bulldog (other than Canadian Bulldog HIYOOO), but he can’t manage the Lion Sault. Suddenly, Lance Cade runs out and starts beating the crap out of Triple H. Allow me a second to compose myself.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ok. Geez. Was Super Crazy busy tonight or something? Anyway, Cade hahahahaha…Cade and Jericho put the boots to Hunter, and John Cena comes rolling out for the save. Because…They hate each other, I guess. Maybe Cena’s got something against Cade for making Murdoch stop singing. I love that Ross and Lawler are totally going along with this though. Like, “Oh, Lance Cade! I see!” Must make Bryan Danielson feel like a real badass though. Cade and Jericho turn the tides back against Cena and Hunter, however, and the show ends with the two of them having knocked HHH and Cena out cold. That’s…Awesome. I mean…Lance Cade: Main Event Talent, folks.

Triple H: Did I just get schooled by Jericho and friggin’ Cade?! This isn’t my universe at ALL!

Rather Officious Looking Penguin: Hey…Yeah. Sorry about that. Gotta run!

Then, the penguin hops onto the couch and disappears into space and time.

HHH: NOOOOOOOOOoooooo!

Next Week: It’s a WWE Draft Party! Find out what brand will get the next Brady Quinn! Totally Not Jamal gets drafted to WWE Wrestling Classics! Plus, CM Punk gets drafted to another show, but he STILL won’t win a match, and come Wrestlemania next year, he’ll have forgotten to even use the Money in the Bank briefcase!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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