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RAW SATIRE    
Needs Less Kane? 

July 2, 2008

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: The effects of the draft are still being felt as RAW suddenly finds itself without belts. Triple H finds himself still trapped on Smackdown. And speaking of people getting trapped, I think Vince is still trapped under the TitanTron. Will he escape…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)
 

Hey! It’s Shane McMahon! What’s happening, Shane-O?

Shane McMahon: As you all know, my dad got hit by a flying Ottoman and a stool maliciously piloted by Rob Van Dam last week. As a result, it’s our belief that he’s still trapped under the TitanTron somewhere. We…we haven’t actually bothered to look for him yet. Anyway, without Vince or Hunter around, and without ever having

hired a GM for that damn show, the guys on RAW can do whatever the hell they want. I’m gonna go take a nap. Laters!

Now, in the arena, Jim Ross has come out to soak up the adoration of the Oklahoma crowd. I’m going to miss you, J.R., but thankfully, I have Todd Petingill here to keep me company. Dude seriously won’t leave my house. He could at least get a job or something.

Jim Ross: I don’t know if you noticed last week, but I wasn’t exactly…thrilled…with the decision to take me off of RAW. Especially not since I’d be working the ol’ B-Show with Mick Foley. I even wrote on my LiveJournal about it. And I posted a picture of a silly cat that says “I Can Haz Mah Jobs Bak?!” That cat sure was adorable. Anyway, I guess I’m getting a ton of money for doing this, and it isn’t ECW or TNA, at least, so I’m going to go ahead and do it. So long to my best friend in the whole world, Jerry Lawler. You were like a brother to me. An older, creepier, gross brother. Than I love quite a bit, but whom I’d never, ever shake hands with. Ever.

Jerry “” Lawler: I love you too! Your puppies are almost as big as Jillian’s!

J.R.: Right. That’s one reason I’m glad that I’m leaving. I hope you all give Michael Cole a chance. He might really suck, but he’s all you’ve got unless you want Adamle back. Or the ghost of Kevin Kelly.

Michael Cole: I appreciate the sentiments of Good Ol’ J.R.!

Lawler: Everybody hates you. Especially me.

Edge: Can you get a move on? My car is still running and with gas the way it is, I really hate idling like this. Honestly, I don’t know why the hell I offered to give you a ride to RAW anyway.

Zach Ryder: You owe him one for agreeing to come to Smackdown.

Curt Hawkins: Hey! I’m on RAW! Hi, Mom!

Edge: What are you two doing out here? Who’s watching the car?

Backstage….

Festus: ….

Kane: Hey! Nice car, man. Is that a stick?

Festus: …?

Kane: Do I…know you?

Back in the ring….

Edge: Anyway, Jim, you’re a real ass, you know that? I’m Edge ok? Edge! Chris Tian doesn’t even work here any more. And I’m not fruity like Jeff Hardy. How in the world do you still have that mixed up?! Go put that on your blog! “By Gawd! I have no earthly idea who any of these wrestlers today are or what moves they can do! STONE COLD~! STONE COLD~! ROFL! LOL! G2G!”

Ross: LOL! You should be on the Internet, Jericho!

Edge: AAAUGH! Ryder, Hawkins, escort Mr. Magoo here back to the car, would you?

J.R. is escorted from the building by two guy’s we’ll never see again.

Edge: Wow. So, I’m on RAW again. That’s kind of neat. I miss, Lita, y’alls. I don’t know where this Vickie Guerrero thing is going, but nowhere good, I’ll tell you that. Did you hear that I got The Undertaker fired? Yeah! Totally! That’s why HHH agreed to come over to Smackdown. I guess he’s really afraid of Taker for some reason. So, the good news is that we’ll never ever see Undertaker again!

The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: You’ll never see me again!

Edge: Can a girl get a salad here? Get off the TV! So, yeah. Enjoy the rest of RAW. Kofi Kingston is as close as you’ve got to a world champion! Chew on THAT one for a while.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I am mad that you made J.R. and Hunter LEAVE!

Batista proceeds to throw stairs, chairs, a book about the Bearenstein Bears, a mare, a wax figure of Fred Astaire, The Facts of Life’s Blair, a DVD copy of The Thomas Crown Affair, and, of course, Ric Flair at Edge. Edge is down and bleeding from at least a couple of orifices.

Batista: I win the MATCH!

And…here’s CM Punk. Huh?

CM Punk: Hey! I’ve got a Money in the Bank Title shot and Triple H isn’t here anymore. Why the hell not, you know?

WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda: I can’t believe I’m actually going to be party to this.

Punk: Hahahaha…me neither.

CM Punk vs. Edge
For the WWE World Heavyweight Title

I honestly can’t believe I’m a party to this either. This makes me feel kind of…dirty. Not CM Punk levels of dirty or anything, but geez. So this is how it goes down, huh? I’m pretty sure Punk winning the World Title is one of the sings of the apocalypse. Right after famine and Meltzer putting the Observer online. Punk hilariously waves his arms around trying to get everybody to shut up so he can start this match. WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda finally does get things rolling and Punk hits the Go To Sleep for the win. CM Punk wins! THE MIDCARDERS RULE RAW! IT’S A REVOLUTION~!

Punk, of course, goes absolutely nuts, but fails to grab a cell phone so he can laugh at Samoa Joe.

Flair: WOOO! That’s why you’re the champ! Whoever you are!

(ads)

Alexis Laree vs. Jillian Hall

This is non-title, of course. We can’t have women’s title overload, can we? No. We cannot. Punk lost a pretty swank briefcase. That’s gotta be kind of disappointing. Alexis is still favoring the arm that she hurt last night, or at least I think it was. I got kind of distracted by a bug flying around in front of my TV for this entire match. They start doing some Olympic Level gymnastics in an attempt, apparently, to get an X-Division title match, and Alexis does a tilt-a-whirl head scissors that ends up in the fifteenth row somewhere and then loads up a kick that comes closer to hitting Michael Cole than Jillian, but hey, whatever. This night is weird enough as it is. Alexis wins.

Backstage, Rey Misterio is rocking back and forth, wondering what the hell he’s gotten into here.

(ads)

Rey walks out onto the stage and he’s in a cold sweat here. How injured is that arm, Mr. Misterio? What? You won’t be back until 2010? Shoot.

Rey Misterio: Wow. Yeah. Hey. CM Punk! Really! I mean…they gave me a run with it, so I guess everybody gets a go eventually, huh? Remember that? When I lost my title match to Randy Orton but I won the belt at Wrestlemania anyway? And then I spent the next six months getting punched in the face by JBL? Yeah. Wow. So that’s what we do on RAW.

Santino Marella: I can’t-a wait for my-a turn! I’m-a gonna be-a the best-a champion in-a the world! Imagine-a the ratings-a!

Rey: God…I just realized that we’re probably only a few months away from your big World Title feud. Can we get some heels in here? Anybody?

Santino: Oh, I’m-a sorry! I forgot-a that you-a were here-a! You are-a almost as tall-a as the Hurdlejumper-a! So why are-a you wearing-a a mask-a? Are you Halloween-a? Are you-a the Batman-a?

Rey: Actually, without this mask I look like I’m twelve.

Santino: That’s-a good reason-a! Do you want-a to see-a this picture-a of me-a naked like-a the Maria?

The audience politely claps for the picture. They’re going to do a run at the merchandise table to buy that poster later, I’m sure.

Rey: I hate this show!

Rey gets off a 619 on Santino and runs backstage in tears.

(ads)

Backstage….

Todd Grisham: What the hell is going on here?

CM Punk: I won the title! I’m so happy right now! I want to thank my parents, and my sisters, and-

Grisham: No, no, no. You were just jobbing to Chuck Palumbo a couple of weeks ago. You can’t bring this crap on me. I should have a better chance of being the World Champion right now.

Punk: Hey, if you can dream it, you can do it, buddy! Just get straight edge like me and you can accomplish anything.

Grisham: Uh…no. Drugs and alcohol are about the only way I can get through this show.

Punk: Ok, whatevs. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go get a name tag for this thing.

John Bradshaw Layfield: Not so fast there, Punky! I can’t have no midcarders winning World Titles on my show. I mean, what is this, TNA? Since when does some guy from Ring of Honor get to come in, let Batista beat up Edge, and then steal the World Title from underneath him while a guy like Jeff Hardy gets his house burnt down by a volcano?

Punk: I have to admit, that is a rather implausible scenario.

JBL: That’s why you’re always going to have a big asterisque…Asteroid? Aspergeist-

Punk: Asterisk?

JBL: Yeah, an Aftermix….

Punk: Aster Risk. Asterisk.

JBL: Whatever, the point is that I challenge you to a match for the title tonight.

Punk: Oh man, and there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth on the Internet.

Jim Ross: I’ll write about it on my blog!

Curt Hawkins: Come on, fatty. Where the hell did we park that car?

JBL: So…is that a yes?

Punk: Um…I guess?

JBL: Yay!

Grisham: What in the hell is going on around here?!

(ads)

In the ring….

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YO! YOOOOOO!

Congratulations to Punk,
The new World Champ,
He took down Edge,
With Batista on the ramp!

Now the World Title on RAW,
CM Punk finally a winner,
But I want a title match,
Gonna make a World Title Spinner!

Forget that JBL guy,
All he ever does is yap,
You’re going to lose the title,
This is all a big trap!

So go with John Cena,
The choice in this one is clear,
JBL will make you look bad,
I’ll just say, “THE CHAMP IS-”

John Brashaw Leyfield: You’re still not the champion, John.

Cena: Hey! Ok, fine. I’m not! But if I wrestle Punk, I’m pretty damn sure I would be in about an hour or so. And hey, look, there aren’t any other heels, so you’ll get your shot.

JBL: But I want my title match NOW! Besides, you’re not outfitting the big gold belt with tassles and spinners.

Cena: Come on, dude! Think about it! Wouldn’t that look better with a set of 19inch rims on it?

JBL: NO! And furthermore, since there’s literally no authority figures here on RAW right now, I’m declaring myself General Manager on account of a little rule I like to call Paragraph 47, Article 4, Subsection 37.2C, Amendment II.

Cena: Ah. “Dibs.”

Todd Grisham: I call Shotgun!

Todd Grisham shoots the Titan Tron and it collapses on him. Todd Grisham has fallen.

JBL: And as the RAW General Manager, I declare tonight’s RAW a Cena free zone! Get him, boys!

JBL’s Security Force come down to the ring and drag Cena off after a brief battle which mostly consisted of John throwing various articles of his clothing at them. I think I saw this tactic on Cops a few times. You all have no idea how much I wished Charlie Haas would’ve called dibs on being RAW’s general manager. That show would’ve been awesome.

(ads)

Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase vs. “The Incredible Weevil” Josh Utecht and “Mr. Paid By the Hour” Ralph Anderson

Matches? What matches?! Sadly, this is not a title match. If there was ever a night for Utecht and Anderson to cash in their title shot, this was it. Cody Rhodes, by the way, turned on himself last night, and defeated himself for the WWE Tag Team Titles. Even Bob Holly was not shocked by this. But I don’t think Dusty ever turned on himself, so at least he’s stepping out of his father’s shadow. Which admittedly is pretty damned hard, considering. Their music is really awful. Wow. Cody hits a DDT on…let’s just call him “Stan” for the win. And now they have a mic. Great.

Cody Rhodes: HAHAHAHAHA! Heel turn! Awesome! I’ve been waiting a whole year to do that, and I did that! And you all are probably wondering “Why, Cody? Why turn?”

Ted DiBiase Jr.: Cody, I don’t think anybody is wondering that. Especially not since you’ve been talking about doing it for over a year.

Rhodes: I turned because I want to be noticed! I’m gonna get what’s mine now! I’m going to be one half of the WWE Tag Team Champions!

DiBiase: Which…you were as a face already so….

Rhodes: And I turned on the person who would least expect it! ME! I was devastated! I couldn’t believe I’d cost myself a title match like that, but I did! And now I hate myself more than ever!

DiBiase: Well, I can relate to that part, at least. Look, I thought starting a “New Blood” stable of second generation wrestlers would be a pretty cool idea. I’m tired of all the discarders getting shafted so that old dudes can run around and do whatever they want. But then CM fricking Punk shows up and wins the World Title tonight and turns the whole goddamn show on its head. So now this promo doesn’t make any sense. And that? Is priceless.

(ads)

Backstage….

Katie Lea Burchill: Why didn’t we think of that? Instead of sitting around backstage bitching about how William Regal got fired we could be running the show. You could be fighting CM Punk tonight for the World Title! The easiest match of your career!

Paul Burchill: Yeah, well I guess I didn’t think of just saying, “I’m the GM.” I mean…who does that? That even sounds stupid! At least last time they just made Tough Enough Jessie GM.

Katie Lea: Well, I guess you’ll just have to do a better job of reading the rule book next time so we know about this “Dibs” rule.

Paul: Yeah, I guess.

Katie Lea: So what are you waiting for! Go get that rulebook and find a way for us to get more TV Time!

Paul: Yes ma’am!

Jamie Noble: I couldn’t help but stand just off camera and hear you complaining about your lack of TV time. Maybe I can help.

Katie Lea: Er…don’t take this the wrong way, Jamie, but…Hahahahaha.

Noble: No, for serious! I got Chuck Palumbo a push and he went on to pin a World Champion and I got Michelle McCool all kinds of TV time! You and Paul can be my new Chuck and Michelle!

Katie Lea: Let’s be honest here, Jamie. Michelle McCool got her TV time by-

The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: CENSORED!

Katie Lea: Hmph.

Noble: Fine. I’ll show you! I’m going to start a feud with the next guy who walks through that door, and he’ll get tons of TV time from here on out.

Jamie grabs a cup of coffee and throws it out the door.

Kane: Ugh. Not again! Doesn’t anybody drink Frappuchino here?

Noble: Kane, I challenge you! I’m going to beat you like I beat Nidia!

Kane: Dude…Come on. It’s not that bad. I should be used to having burning hot things applied to my flesh by now. Don’t be a prick about it like Jericho.

Noble: RAW doesn’t need any more you!

Kane: Well, that’s probably fair. I mean, if CM Punk is the champion, where’s the spot for this old out of shape monster? I’m afraid there’s no place here any more for little old Kane.

Noble: The Ron Paul Candidacy was a joke!

Kane: Oh no you didn’t!

Kane flips out, but Noble kicks him in the crotch and takes off towards the ring.

Zach Rider: You wouldn’t happen to have seen a car around here would you?

Jim Ross: That Jamie Noble is quite a character. You know, I think WWE should really take a look at treating cruiserweights seriously one of these days.

Noble makes it to the ring but Kane’s pyro is there to great him. Noble jumps on top of Kane and knocks him down because, at this point tonight, what the hell, right? Might as well give it a shot. Kane’s quickly to his feet, however, and he just kind of tosses Noble into the ceiling.

Colin Delhaney: Man, that sucked for you.

Jamie Noble: Yeah. Hey! Didn’t you get thrown up into the ceiling of the last arena we were at? How did you get up here?

Colin: It’s a long story. Don’t ask.

Meanwhile, Chris Jericho is checking the soil levels of his potted plants backstage.

(ads)

Now Jericho’s in the ring! And he’s got a mic! Oh…boy?

Chris Jericho: Did I seriously get beat by Kofi Kingston last night? Kof Kingston?! What the hell is going on around here? I mean, look, I’m not one to bitch about this kind of thing because: Midcard Power! But seriously, Kofi Kingston beats the guy who is, arguably, the top heel on RAW and CM Punk is the brand’s World champion? Come on! What does a guy have to do around here? I threw Shawn Michaels through a TV! Through a TV, you guys! Shawn Michaels! Through a TV! What do I have to do to get some recognition around here? If I would’ve been smart enough to book my segment earlier so I could’ve been GM, this would all be different. As it is, whatever. I’ll fight Shawn Michaels on the next pay per view. For now? Wrestling!

(ads)

Chris Jericho (w/ Lance Cade) vs. Kofi Kingston
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

I do love that Cade is shopping for all his clothes at Hollister now. What a gentleman! Kofi Kingston might have the best music in WWE right now. If you’ve never seen a Kofi Kingston match, and Lord knows why you would have, let me describe his offense for you. Kofi jumps into the ropes, jumps back off of the ropes, lands on his feet, jumps at his opponent. I don’t think I’ve seen him take a single regular step yet. Jericho tries to Irish Whip him, and Kofi jumps halfway across the ring and into the turnbuckle. That’s dedication right there. He’s locked onto a concept and he’s going to exploit it for all it’s worth. Kofi tries pulling the tights for a roll-up so Jericho returns the favor. WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton calls for the DQ, because he really doesn’t need to know that Kofi Kingston waxes his ass crack. Neither did you, but…there you go. That’s a pretty pissy DQ though, Chad.

(ads)

In the parking lot….

Edge: I did not expect it to take me an hour and forty five minutes to find my car.

Zach Ryder: BAH GOD! EDGE! EDGE! EDGE IS BACK!

Curt Hawkins: He’s gonna whip us like a government mule for running like a scalded dog when he lost his World Title to that jezebel, CM Punk!

Edge: What the hell are you guys talking about?

Zach: Dude…We’ve just spent the last four days with Jim Ross. It’s…starting to effect us.

Curt: Just…let’s just go. Come on, Test, let’s get in the car.

Edge: WHAT WAS THAT?!

Jim Ross: Boomer Sooner, folks!

Edge: I hate each and every one of you with the heat of a thousand suns. I can’t believe I lost my World Title to CM Punk. CM PUNK! AGH! Festus, you drive. I need some quiet time.

Festus: ….

(ads)

John Bradshaw Leyfield (w/ JBL’s Personal Security) vs. CM Punk
For the WWE World Heavyweight Title

So this is the real “Do They Or Don’t They” moment where you find out if WWE was just having a laugh at the smarks’ expense or if Vince McMahon has actually finally gone off the deep end and decided to push CM Punk. Could you ever fathom this? The RAW Main Event Scene currently features Lance Cade and CM Punk as major players. Bradshaw beats Punk up for a while, but suddenly, John Cena and…NO WAY…Cryme Tyme run out and start brawling with JBL’s security team. Now Cryme Tyme is in the main event! The world’s gone mad! JBL is horrified that this is even happening right now, so Punk kicks him in the face and gets the win. Punk retains!! After the match, Punk is so giddy that he jumps out of the ring and takes out everybody, allegiance be damned. The Midcard Is Ruling RAW!!

Elsewhere….

Triple H: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Somewhere, deep within the fabric of space time….

A Rather Officious Looking Penguin: Excellent! It’s all gone according to plan!

Rob Van Dam: Yeah! All right!!

Next Week: Oh, hell if I know. Um…let’s see. Deuce makes his RAW debut, defeating CM Punk for the WWE World Heavyweight Title. Matt Striker gets a 20 minute promo where he talks about Michael Cole’s haircut. And four words: Charlie. Haas. Video. Package.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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