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RAW SATIRE    
CM Punk and Josh Hamilton: Proving That
Clean Living Doesn't Win You Main Events 

July 16, 2008

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Kane made a tasteless Benoit joke. Shawn Michaels essentially called Chris Jericho a punk ass bitch. And speaking of punk ass bitches, CM Punk Ass Bitch is still the World Champion. Surely, that will change…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)
 

What’s better than Shane and Stephanie? Shane and Stephanie.

Shane McMahon: Ok, seriously guys, knock it off.

Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley- Levesque-McMahon: Yeah, really. Midcarders are still running things, people are running rampant backstage, I heard Jamie Knoble had a segment! Who in the hell wrote that?! And vehicular homicide! Get a hold of yourselves!

 
Shane:
Wait! Wait! Vehicular homicide?

Stephanie: Yeah, JBL-

Shane: You can’t talk about that yet. That’s happening this week.

Stephanie: Oh. Err…I was talking about the limo?

Shane: Because…the limo died?

Triple H: She doesn’t even watch RAW anymore, man. Just shows about babies and, for some reason, ECW. I mean…Whatever, right?

Shane: ECW? Really? Ok, still. RAW is getting out of control. And if you guys don’t knock it off, we’re going to step in and knock it off for you.

Stephanie: We don’t actually have to…go there, do we?

Shane: Hell no.

And now at the show, Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels are brawling in the aisle. Way to keep it together, guys. You could’ve at least waited until Shane and Stephanie told you to knock it off before you started fighting again.

Michael Cole: Jericho and Michaels are exploding all over each other!

That was…an unfortunate choice of words. Finally, Lance Cade and WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan are out to break it up. Just as they’re dragging Jericho and Shawn backstage, however, Kane decides that RAW needs a little more Kane. Well, this is a really well structured show. The Cole, Lawler, and the Rest of the Ring Crew scatter.

Kane: ‘Sup, guys? I’m really sorry about attacking you all last week. I checked it out and Abe Vigoda is still alive. So, I’m really sorry I bothered you all. Check out my cool burlap sack! That’s my new gimmick. I carry around this bag. Uh…yeah. Sigh.

Kane leaves. Backstage, Chris Jericho and Lance Cade are fighting with Shawn Michaels and WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan. Sean Cold Val Venis tells them to knock it off, so they shake hands and leave. Meanwhile….

Alexis Laree vs. Katie Lea Burchill (w/ Paul Burchill)

This is a non-title match, because title matches kind of suck. Why aren’t Alexis and Katie Lea exploding all over each other, Michael? It’s nice to see that Alexis’ shoulder is healed. Wait…am I the only one who still remembers that? Ok. I kind of miss Paul Burchill as a pirate. I think he and Katie Lea would make an awesome pirate tag team. This is exactly why I should be booking RAW. Alexis jumps at Katie from the top and that’ll be enough for the win. After the match, Paul and Katie Lea decide that they haven’t had enough of beating up Alexis, so they continue the beat down. Where’s Alexis’ boyfriend John Cena? Oh…he doesn’t watch the girls matches? Ok then! Who does? Kofi Kingston! But he’s not done as Kofi challenges Paul to a title match right there and then. Uh…Kofi, you’re the champion. And you’re doing this wrong.

(ads)

Paul Burchill (w/ Katie Lea Burchill) vs. Kofi Kingston (w/ Alexis Laree)
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Uh-oh, John, Kofi’s going to steal your girlfirend. I guess I should applaud them for remembering that Paul attacked Kofi last week, but I’m too pissed off that I didn’t get to hear Kofi’s theme music tonight. The crowd is going nuts right now because…hell…I don’t know. Everybody friggin’ loves Kofi Kingston, I guess? Michael Cole spends about four hours talking about how Kofi Kingston clapping his hands is called a “thunderclap.” I…don’t care. Alexis takes out Katie, and Kofi kicks Paul in the face. Play his music! SOS! I am Shelton!

Backstage….

Matt Striker: I’m actually appearing on this show. Weird.

Santino Marella: I thought-a you got-a fired with Diva-a Search Ashley-a!

Striker: Me too!

Santino: So I’m-a going to challenge-a anybody to a match-a tonight! That-a will clear-a me from-a losing to Rey-a Mysterio and Cousin-a Sal.

Striker: You don’t honestly believe that, do you?

Santino: No. Sigh-a.

Kane: Hey, guys! What’s going on?

Santino: We-a were just-a doing a sement-a!

Kane: That’s cool. I like doing segments. Hey, have you guys seen CM Punk?

Santino: Have-a you checked-a the Pepsi Machine-a? Because-a of his tattoo-a, I mean-a? Or how-a about the areas-a where you-a don’t drink-a or do-a the drugs-a?

Kane: There’s a place like that? Where?

Santino: I don’t-a know!

Then they proceed to down a handful of Vicodin, Tums, and a shot of Vodka.

Striker: Hahaha…Yeah, totally, guys! I like eating medicine too! Am I right? Guys? Guys?

(ads)

In the “No Drugs or Alcohol” Lounge.

CM Punk: So…How do you like my lounge?

Tough Enough Jessie: Is this all you do all day? Sit around in a white room with two chairs?

Punk: I am better than you!

T.E. Jessie: It’s true! WAAAAAAAAH!

Kane: Hey! I found it! The one place in this building with no drugs or alcohol!

Punk: Hey, Kane. Are you interested in learning more about the straight edge lifestyle?

Kane: Hell no! I just came here to challenge you to a match.

Punk: Forget it. I’m not jobbing out my main event title to a former ECW champion.

Kane: Aw come on, I don’t want a title match! I just want to punch somebody. Legally. Did you hear Stephanie and Shane earlier? We’re supposed to keep it down!

Punk: Nah, man, I’m watching the Home Run Derby! Josh Hamilton is killing it! You know, that’s a really good story! He was on the wrong path, shooting up and drinking, but now? He’s straight edge, man-

Kane: Yeah, I don’t care about that. 28 Home Runs though! Wow.

Punk: So what’s the deal with you carrying that bag? What’s inside it?

Kane: Wouldn’t you like to know?

Punk: Yes. Yes, I would like to know.

Kane: Wouldn’t you like to know?

Punk: Yes, I would like to know.

Kane: Your mom.

Elsewhere, Todd Grisham is standing by with John Cena.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, I’ve got to ask you, how do you feel about your Parking Lot Brawl with JBL on Sunday?

John Cena: Honestly, pretty good. I like to have matches that even the fans in the arena have to watch on TV.

Grisham: Great, now that that’s out of the way, can I ask you a real question?

Cena: Shoot, Todd!

Grisham: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! You’re the biggest star this brand has left! Quit slumming around with all these midcarders and take control again! I hate to say this, I really do, but Stephanie and Shane are right! This show is out of control! You’re the only one who can stop it! So please, please, please!

Cena: Todd, you’re right. Monday Night RAW has become hell on earth. And as much as I can’t wait to homicide Bradshaw vehicularly or cut a promo about how poopy he is, I’ve got to take control here on Monday Night RAW! So, Todd, I’m booking us a main event!

Grisham: Oh, thank God! What’s your idea?

Cena: Bradshaw and any two people h e can come up with-

Grisham: Good, good.

Cena: Against me and my two best friends! CRYME TYME!

Grisham: Nooooooooooooooooooo!

Todd Grisham downs fourteen bottles of Tums (the official antacid of WWE backstage segments) and explodes. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Cena: What’s up, homies? I wrote a rap about our new stable.

Shad Gaspard: Hows about you keep it to yourself?

Cena: Aww…THE CHAMP IS HERE!

JTG: Better.

(ads)

Santino Marella vs. Beth Phoenix

HOLD IT! Did you know that Beth was gone for 30 days? That’s kind of weird isn’t it? I mean…I didn’t hear about her getting a hold of any contraband antacid backstage or anything. Speaking of which, isn’t William Regal supposed to be back? What RAW really needs right now is a British vampire. Santino feels up Beth’s arms to start. Join us next week when Abe Orton challenges Beth so he can get a good look at her jaw. I guess Beth accepted Santino’s challenge because he was the only person on the RAW roster she was pretty sure she could beat now. And sure enough, she rolls him up for the win. Better luck next time, Santino! Hey! I just found out that Beth Phoenix has the exact same birthdate as me! She’s my 54th favorite wrestler now!

Backstage, Kelly Kelly Kelly is looking up “contract” in the dictionary. Dave’s going to want that back, sweetie.

(ads)

Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase

Somebody call Canadian Television, because this show is all about the male on female violence tonight! Wait, Cody has a microphone, so I don’t think this is actually a match. Have you guys ever noticed how much Cody looks like the scientific idea of Cro-Magnon Man? That’s pretty cool.

Cody Rhodes: Hey, Kelly. Sorry to interrupt your…”match” but we don’t like watching girls wrestle.

Kelly Kelly Kelly: It’s cool.

Ted DiBiase Jr.: We’d rather watch Charlie Haas than you.

Kelly: Come on, that’s kind of harsh.

Cody: Whatevs. So, you know why I turned heel? Other than the fact that I pretty much wanted to be a heel since the day I got signed? Well, it’s pretty much because there are no heels or tag teams left in this company. I’m pretty much guaranteed a push, and I don’t have to pay any dues because if JBL tries to soap me up, I’ll just tell Goldust to come and make out with him.

DiBiase: That’s right, Cody. This is pretty much the greatest idea for a tag team ever. Two guys whose dads were also wrestlers? Plus with no other heels or tag teams to speak of, we can pretty much come out and do whatever we want during RAW. Next week? We’re going to play Don’t Break the Ice for twenty minutes backstage.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan: Hey there, Tough Guys! That can be your tag team name, The Tough Guys! Anyway, I just wanted to come out here and say that you guys shouldn’t just get away with not paying your dues! I don’t care who your parents are, if Hacksaw’s gotta pay dues, you gotta pay dues, Tough Guys! HOOOOOOOO!

Cody: Hacksaw, you’ve been paying your dues for 30 years now. David Arquette got a World Title before you.

DiBiase: CM Punk won a World Title before you!

Cody: Oh snap!

DiBiase: Dude, your only friend is that two by four and you’ll never win a World Title. Your only career highlights are beating Meng and having cancer. That’s not a very solid foundation.

Duggan: Oh yeah? Well…USA! USA! USA!

Cody: That doesn’t even make sense, we’re from the US.

Duggan: Oh yeah? Well…I’ve got nothing.

John Bradshaw Leyfield: You guys are totally right and Ted’s dad threatened to choke me out if I tried to finger him. Look, if I’m going to be serious about this here, I’ve got to jump on this midcarder bandwagon. If that’s what RAW is going to be about, that’s what it’s going to be about. So, you guys are my tag team partners tonight. Enjoy the trip to the main event like your name is Orton!

Cody: I knew turning heel would make me a main eventer!

DiBiase: That and the fact that Triple H left.

Cody: Shut up.

(ads)

Kane vs. CM Punk

You know what really helps establish your champion as a top guy in the company? Putting him in midcard matches. Look, even I know that this is just CM Punk here, but I mean, you can at least try to pretend that he’s doing something important here. Kane beats the hell out of Punk for a while, until CM gets a roll-up for two. Punk goes for the Go To Sleep, but Kane blocks it and everybody bails out. They seem to be content at letting it go at this, but suddenly Punk dashes back into the ring for the count out wins. Count outs! That’s how you establish a champion! Kane, of course, goes nuts and starts throwing chairs at Punk for that double cross. He thought you were friends! This brings out Batista, who is not going to stand around watching people throw chairs at other people. Kane bails again, and forgets to take his mysterious bag of mysteries. Dude, that bag is your life!

CM Punk: Hey, thanks, Dave.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: You are still a crappy CHAMPION!

Dave with the OSPREY BOMB TO PUNK~! Who’s the champion now, bitch?! Ok…It’s still Punk. But come on….

(ads)

Chris Jericho (w/ Lance Cade) vs. Paul London

Somewhere, Spanky is crying himself to sleep, which has nothing to do with this match. Well, sort of. I can’t believe they’re actually pulling the trigger on the “Shawn Michaels trained who?!” angle without Spanky. Jericho and London are exploding all over each other here. I love that Lance Cade is standing there holding a chair to ward off Shawn. As if Lance Cade, chair or not, would be enough to stop Shawn Michaels. London basically does nothing for a while as Jericho kicks him in the face. Then Jericho locks in the Walls for the win. Match of the Night! Jericho’s got a mic.

Chris Jericho: Seriously, if that’s all Shawn Michaels can accomplish as a teacher, I’m really glad he didn’t train me to wrestle. But how about this? What do you think, Paul, do you want to join up with my cool stable of people who think that Shawn is kind of a dick? I’ll even buy you a puppy!

Lance Cade: That’s true! I named my Mr. Whiskers!

Jericho: I still don’t get that.

Shawn Michaels: Give it up, Chris! He’ll never join you!

Jericho: Does he have anything better to do? Really?

Shawn: I guess we’ll find out Sunday, after I’m done kicking your ass for Jesus!

Josh Hamilton: Amen, brother!

(ads)

Backstage….

Jamie Noble: Yeah, that’s right! I’m on this show!

Layla El: That’s great, Jamie. Really. But why should I care again?

Noble: Because I’m going to make you my new valet! Look at the wonders it did for Nidia or Jimmy Yang or Chuck Palumbo!

Layla: Err…Right. Wait, didn’t you try this act with Katie Lea a couple weeks ago?

Noble: No! That was somebody else! Look, I know to get a hottie like you I’ve got to beat up some ugly bald guy, so the next ugly bald guy who walks back here…I’m going to beat him up.

Layla: You know, I’m almost positive that you did this two weeks ago.

Noble: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Abe Orton: It looks like this segment needs an Abe Orton!

Noble: You’re ugly and bald! That’ll do! I’m going to take you down, Abe!

Layla: Jamie, this isn’t really necessary. I won’t date you anyway.

Noble: Shut it, woman! This is men business. Abe Orton, I challenge you to a beating!

Orton: Whatever gets me on TV, short round!

Noble runs down to the ring with Layla in tow. Orton quickly follows, and he kicks Jamie in the head and hits a Pump Handle slam. Noble sufficiently beaten, Orton leaves. I guess Layla’s jaw just isn’t manly enough for him. Interesting note? Noble got in more offense on Kane the last time he did this. Better luck next time, champ!

(ads)

JBL walks to the ring. Thanks for this segment, guys!

(ads)

John Bradshaw Leyfield, Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase Jr. vs. John Cena and Cryme Tyme

Yes, folks. Ted DiBiase Jr., Cody Rhodes, and Cryme Tyme are in your main event. You know that the WWE writers have pretty much no idea what’s going on when stuff like this happens. Cody starts off with Cena and it’s kind of sad and ridiculous. Cena slaps him around and then Cryme Tyme takes over the match. Sadly, JTG gets the crap kicked out of him for about twenty minutes. Shad comes in and goes for the pin, but JBL comes in and kicks him off. Bradshaw and Cena lock eyes, and then shake their heads in shame at what they’re putting themselves through right now.

(ads)

Cena pretty much comes in and beats the living hell out of everybody involved, including his own teammates and WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance who I haven’t noticed in about six months. I hope he wasn’t a victim of the Wellness Policy! Cena with an FU and a Throwback on the tag team champions, and he goes for the pin. But, JBL comes in to kick him off and WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance calls for the DQ. You can only get away with that once! Well…Unless you get away with it during every pinfall in a tag team match. Then it’s more than once. Bradshaw bails and Cena follows.

Cena runs out to the parking lot, but he can’t find JBL, so he asks the giant Rey Misterio head on the truck

John Cena: Rey! Have you seen JBL? He’s out here and I need to fight with him. Like…it’s a parking lot brawl!

Rey Misterio Head: John, I’m a giant head painted on the side of the truck. Rey isn’t even here tonight.

Cena: But…you can talk!

Rey Misterio Head: Hahaha…Well, I can explain everything. Just…LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!

Bradshaw nails Cena with a metal pole and drags him into a seated position against a car. Hillariously, Cena’s too knocked out to sit there, so Bradshaw has to prop him up with the pole. Then, he runs back to his own car, puts it in drive, and slams it against the car Cena was sitting against. Holy crap! They just killed off John Cena! Maybe. There’s not really all that much blood. I expected more blood!

John Bradshaw Leyfield: Nobody saw that right? Nobody watches this show? Especially not Stephanie, Shane or any police?

Rey Misterio Head: I think Stewart Copeland watches, actually.

JBL: Oh crap! You saw this too!

Rey Misterio Head: Heh. Yeah. Hey, isn’t that car a rental? You’re going to have a rough time explaining this to them.

JBL: Yeah. Crap. I really didn’t have this very well planned out.

Sunday: Zombie John Cena crushes JBL with a rented tank and then eats his brain. Santino Marella tries to make friends with the giant Rey Misterio Head. Also…A World Title match? I guess?

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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