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Mmmmmmm..... Turkey.... 

July 22, 2008

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Night: CM Punk continued his thrilling title reign with a Double DQ draw with “Dave” Batista “Davidson.” Zombie John Cena got thrown through a car or two and burned alive, but I’m pretty sure he’s ok. And Shawn Michaels’ eye exploded. Why so serious, Shawn? Maybe we’ll find out…TONIGHT!
In the production truck….

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Kelly never gave me back my DICTIONARY!

Dave storms out.

(Opening Credits)

Batista has now made his way to the ring.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I want my dictionary BACK! I also want a title MATCH! One of these times I will beat CM PUNK! Nobody

 else is bothering so I will be in CHARGE! I want to talk to KANE! He seems like a pretty cool GUY! I wonder if he will be my FRIEND?

John Bradshaw Leyfield: Ok, we’ve done a lot of stupid things in our time on this show, but we’re not seriously considering letting Batista run things, are we?

Batista: I would be a great General MANAGER!

JBL: Dave, you sit backstage and play Oregon Trail all night. General Managers have to do things.

Batista: I am curing DYSENTERY!

JBL: You don’t even know what that means!

Batista: It means I shoot the BEARS!

JBL: You know what? I was going to challenge CM Punk, but I don’t even want a match tonight. My back hurts too much. So I’ll just push it back and let you do whatever you want tonight.

Batista: I want to eat ice cream for DINNER!

JBL: And I want a six man title match against Kane. I mean CM Punk. I mean Cena. You know what? I just want a six man tag match. Whoever comes out will be cool.

Batista: I thought you did not want a MATCH?!

JBL: And I thought you were wearing girls sunglasses.

Batista: I feel PRETTY!

CM Punk: Hey guys! I’m the World Champion! Still! Can you believe it?

Batista: Who are YOU?!

JBL shakes his head and mumbles to himself as we head for some….


Jenny McCarthy wants us to watch Saturday Night’s Main Event. Maybe she can fight Autism by fording the Snake River.

Lance Cade comes out to Shawn Michaels’ music, but he’s not prancing. What’s the point of stealing Shawn’s music if you’re not going to bother to prance it up? Kids these days….

Lance Cade: Shawn Michaels, I dare you to come down here and acknowledge my presence in this feud!

Lance Cade vs. Paul London

Paul London returns to the feud! Poor Paul London. I guess it’s better than playing in Morrison’s old jackets last week like Spanky did. Anyway, Cade beats up London without even looking at him for a few minutes. I wonder if Cade ever feels bad that Murdoch got fired because of this angle. He wasn’t trained by Shawn Michaels! London fires back with some backflips, but Cade ends that rather quickly with a sit-out uranage. Look at me, it’s like I’m covering puroresu all the sudden! Only I’m not! Lance Cade wins!!

Hey! It’s Chris Jericho!


Go, Jericho, go!

Chris Jericho: That’s right! I grew a scruffy beard! That’s how you can tell that I’m a serious heel! And as a serious heel, I’m going to do serious heel things, like instead of just throwing Shawn Michaels at a TV, I’m going to detach his retina! And instead of just exploding all over Shawn, I’m going to make him go full 1.0 Muta until people are getting his blood on them all night! And Lance Cade is like Ralphus!

Lance Cade: Hey!

Jericho: Shut up! You are! Anyway, I saved you all from one old ass wrestler, so job well done as far as I’m concerned. Mission Accomplished.


Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix

Kelly’s still got the dictionary, so I guess she hasn’t run into Batista yet. How long does it take a person to look up “contract” anyway? I still love Beth’s cheesy ‘80s music and crown. Beth, though, not so much. The crowd decides to chant for Kelly, because…hell, I don’t know. I guess they just don’t get enough women in Connecticut. Did they ever explain why Shane and Stephanie aren’t here tonight? Connecticut is not that big, y’all. Beth with an inverse power bomb for the win. Lawler still isn’t sure how to act around Cole, which is kind of adorable.


Hacksaw Jim Duggan is in the ring. Lay some knowledge on us, beardy!

Hacksaw Jim Duggan: HOOOOOOOO! I was just sitting backstage thinking about what the Tough Guys said last week, and they’re right. I am an old caricature of my old caricature self. I mean…my only friend really is a board. And other than winning the first Royal Rumble and a King of the Ring a couple decades ago, my lone career highlight really was getting cancer. So, I think it’s best that I just retire. Again.

Inexplicably, the crowd boos. Maybe they just don’t get enough old scraggly men in Connecticut. Jerry Lawler, however, has other ideas.

Jerry Lawler: If you retire, who will job to everybody in the dark matches before RAW?

Duggan: You’re right! Somebody needs to lay down for Deuce! USA! USA! USA!

Cody Rhodes: Man, you two are old! Like…Hacksaw, when you were convincing Hogan to keep you employed, my dad was still wearing his training splotch! And Lawler? Your only career accomplishments came twenty years before any of your girlfriends was born.

Lawler: Jealous?

Cody: Uh…no. That would make my girlfriend three years old.

Lawler: Letterman slap!

Lawler slaps Cody.

Letterman: Eggggh. We’ll be right back with Zombie John Cena and tonight’s Top Ten List!

Ted DiBiase: This…this is our first title feud, isn’t it? That’s…awful.

Duggan: Good luck in your match tonight, Tough Guys!


John Bradshaw Leyfield and The Tough Guys vs. Zombie John Cena and Cryme Tyme

I haven’t ever seen this match before! “One of the Most Brutal Matches in WWE History” injury count? JBL looks slightly uncomfortable and John Cena has one of his arms wrapped in gauze. JTG gets beat up for what seems like an hour, while JBL spends most of his time on the apron yelling at WWE RAW Referee John Cone for paying more attention to JBL yelling than the match. Cena gets the hot tag, and he immediately starts hitting people with his taped up elbow. Well…he tried? Sort of? Cena hits the FU on both of the Tough Guys at once for the pin while JBL stumbles out of the arena. Ok, I’ll let it go this time, but next time you sell getting run over and blown up for at least one episode, Zombie John!

Backstage, Chris Jericho and Lance Cade are leaving.

Chris Jericho: Well, we got a match and a segment this week. Good times.

Lance Cade: Yeah! I can’t believe I’m finally getting mic-

Jericho: Shut up.

Kane: Have you guys seen Batista?

Jericho: Do we look like main eventers?

Kane: Good point.

Cade: So…What’s in your bag?

Kane: My lunch! Mmm…turkey sandwich!


When you think WWE, you should be thinking Charlie Sheen, apparently.

Alexis Laree and Kofi Kingston vs. Katie Lea and Paul Burchill

More man on woman violence! RAW is taking it to the streets. Oh boy! SOS! I am Shelton! Kofi nails a pretty swank high cross body on Paul. Michael Cole spends 2/3rds of the match again talking about how his “Thunder Clap” is the hottest dance move in all of Jamaica. Michael Cole: King of Jamaican Dance. Alexis and Katie Lea roll around outside the ring for a while, and Burchill hit’s a neck breaker on Kofi for the win. Really? A neck breaker? Well, whatever. The Burchills win!


Jamie Noble: Hey, Layla! Are we a TV couple yet?

Layla El: Um…No. Probably not ever.

Noble: Aw…Come on, everybody loves Jamie Noble!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Have you seen Kane or KELLY? I want lunch and a DICTIONARY!

Layla: Look! Another ugly bald man to beat you up!

Batista: It was DESTINY!


Todd Grisham is standing by with CM Punk.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with CM Punk, and Punk, I’ve got to ask you, how does it feel to be the worst WWE World Champion since Rey Misterio?

CM Punk: Worse than The Great Khali?

Grisham: At least Khali won a match.

Punk: Well, Todd, I’m holding it down. Representing for all the midcarders and Indy superstars out there. Letting them know that they too can win a World Title match via countout over a guy who beat them up for twenty minutes!

Grisham: How…Inspiring.

John Bradshaw Leyfield: Man, I hate to rain on this inspiration parade, but I’m really tired of this. When is the midcarders run RAW storyline going to be over so that I can go back to main-eventing RAW like I used to? Get out of here, you transitional champion!

Punk: Didn’t you leave the building?

JBL: Well…I forgot my pants.

Punk: And wouldn’t you much rather face me at Summerslam rather than Batista?

JBL: Hey! Yeah! Good luck in your match tonight!

Suddenly, Kane comes running through the shot, trampling Todd Grisham. Todd Grisham has fallen.


Hey! Santino! Say something!

Santino Marella: I’m-a a loser-a! But, I’m-a going to try-a this again-a. If there’s-a anybody backstage-a who does not-a have the breasts-a, then I challenge-a you to a match-a!

Santino Marella vs. D’Lo Brown

No way! You lookin’ at the real deal now! D’Lo’s going to put Santino’s sorry ass out on the street. No chest protector for D’Lo, but he’s still got his amazing theme music. Nobody in the crowd knows who D’Lo is at first, but they get into it after a few minutes. Maybe they were wondering why that TNA Road Agent is out here. Beth Phoenix comes out to interview Santino, but first, D’Lo hits the Low Down for the win. You used to think you owned the streets, but pack your bags, your ass is dead meat. Victory is sweet. Here is your receipt. After the match, Beth and Santino have a little staredown, which ends with them making out. Aw. Cutest couple in the WWE! WWE RAW Referee Jon Cone makes the best surprised/disgusted face in the world at this.


I really need to point out that Michael Cole without his goatee is really creepy. He talks about how much he’s looking forward to the main event, and then stares longingly at the camera and…I think Chris Hansen just exploded.

Batista comes out to do his main event boogie, but Kane runs out after him. This show did need a little more Kane. Kane accidentally hits Dave in the head with his bag, and then accidentally chokeslams him to hell. CM Punk runs out to make fun of Dave for screwing up his big title chance again.


“Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. CM Punk
For the WWE World Heavyweight Title

Punk holds the advantage for most of the match, thanks to Kane wiping out Dave in the last segment. However, Dave will not be held down for long, so he kicks CM in the head and throws him around for a little while. The sad thing is, even if Punk wins this match, it’s thanks to Kane. The crowd doesn’t really care about any of this. I think they got burned out after Santino and Beth made out. Maybe Punk should’ve main evented against Charlie Haas. As quickly as you can say “Dave” Batista “Davidson,” JBL has flopped down to ringside, and he kicks Batista and hits Punk with a Clothesline from Hell. Another DQ finish! Poor Punk. Cena comes running down to ringside and he takes out JBL, and then thwacks Dave with Kelly Kelly’s dictionary. Batista is kind of pissed. Then CM Punk takes them both out with dueling Shining Wizards off the top rope!! No, just kidding, he’s still writhing in pain outside the ring.

Next Week: CM Punk loses a non-title match to Deuce. The Tough Guys take on Hacksaw Jim Duggan and his Best Friend, the board. Also, Shane and Stephanie show up and frown a lot.


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
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PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
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RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
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PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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