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RAW SATIRE    
Cena Hungry! 

August 15, 2008

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Chris Jericho won another meaningless match that he actually lost. Mike Adamle ruled with an iron…well…more like tin fist. And John Cena and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” totally earned their WWE World Tag Team Title win. Will they also earn their loss…TONIGHT?!
 
(Opening Credits)

Speaking of Zombie John Cena, he’s on his way to the ring right now. I wonder what he could possibly have to say?

Zombie John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YOOO! YOOO! BRAAAAAAINS!

Zombie Cena is rocking the mic,
In wind snow or rain,
Headin’ to Summerslam,
In search of more Braaaaaaains!

I’m taking on Batista,
Haven’t wrestled him in six years,
He’s my tag team partner,
With a treat between his ears!

Dave was in Evolution,
With Triple H and Flair,
I just want to know,
What’s underneath is hair!

ARRAGGH! BRAAAINS!
I think I’ve made it clear,
I’m the living dead,
And THE CHAMP IS HERE!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: You are the poet laurite of the WWE Fan NATION!

Cena: Batista, my arch nemesis! What do you and your sweet juicy brain have to say for yourselves?

Batista: I like to watch the OLYMPICS!

Cena: AAAAAARGH!

And then Cena lovingly bites Dave’s head.

(ads)

WWE got some awards you’ve never heard of this weekend thanks to Kevin Dunn producing such awesome video packages and then taking the rest of the night off.

Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix

Santino is joining Fukui and Dr. Hatori on commentary for this match, and they spend the entire thing talking about how weird Beth’s weird tiara is. I do like her “Holding a Ball Over My Head” taunt though. I hope that’s in the new Smackdown. I’m still wondering when Beth’s protégé Abbie Justice and her daughter Tracey will be making an appearance. OBJECTION! Beth wins with a punch to the face. That’s her move! Afterwards, Santino tries to goad her into coming up with a new finisher when Kofi Kingston and Alexis Laree run in to break things up. No word on whether or not Kofi has picked up any new dance moves. Santino has a mic.

Santino Marella: I know-a that you are-a known more-a for your-a dancing than-a your fighting-a but I want-a to challenge you-a to a match-a!

Kofi Kingston: You want a match wit me man? Well me bruddah, I be acceptin’, man! That…that was Jamaican enough, right?

Santino: Your Jamaican-a is about-a as good as my-a Italian!

Kofi: Awww!

Santino: But I’ve-a changed my mind-a! I want-a to wrestle the boobies-a!

Alexis Laree: I’ve always wanted a victory over a guy with a unibrow! You’re on!

Kofi: I am Shelton!

(ads)

Santino Marella (w/ Beth Phoenix) vs. Alexis Laree (w/ Kofi Kingston)

Yeah, this is about evenly matched. Too bad Maria’s not on this show anymore. Not that I wanted to see her wrestle Santino and Beth or anything. Just because she’s hot. Seriously, I don’t want to have to go through the trouble of watching Smackdown for that. Sorry. I do like, however, that even though he has the Spinnin’ World Title, Hunter is in a fourth class feud with The Great Khali while Edge is still headlining the show. That Freddie Prinze Jr. knows what’s up. You’ll notice that I haven’t said anything about this match. That’s a total shout out to my dark ages homies in Canada. What’s up, eh? Beth punches Alexis in the face, and Santino rolls her up for the win. X-Division Match of the Year!

Backstage….

Mike Adamle: I don’t know if I told you this, but I really like Ronald Regan.

Todd Grisham: Yeah. You mentioned that.

Adamle: A lot. I’m his biggest fan.

Grisham: Oooook then. Hey, listen. You traded me to ECW. You took my glasses. Why in the hell do you keep calling my house and insisting that I come to RAW?

Adamle: I think you’re the only one that “gets” me, Ted.

Grisham: It’s Todd. And I hate you!

Adamle: Hate is a four letter word.

Grisham: So is dead!

Todd Grisham eats so many jelly beans that he explodes. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Adamle: Hey! He’s right! Dead is a four letter word!

Kane: So is Kane!

Adamle: So it is, Mr. Crane. So it is. So, listen. I’ve been thinking, and I’m tired of this mystery surrounding your stupid burlap sack. This isn’t a sack race, and I don’t want the youth of America tuning in to Monday Nitro next week and wondering why U.S. Men’s Beach Volleyball Player Phil Dahlhauser has suddenly joined the Olympic sack racing team. That doesn’t jibe with the new PG theme of RAW.

Kane: And male on female violence does?

Adamle: Don’t be a square, Crane! Just let me see your sack.

Kane: No!

Adamle: Can I at least touch it? Can I touch your sack, Mr. Crane?

Kane: I’m going to go ahead and back away slowly right now.

Adamle: Go ahead and back on down to the ring because you’re wrestling Chris Jericho!

(ads)

Do you remember where you were when The Valiants took on Putski and Santana? What do you mean, “No?”

Ted DiBiase Jr.: So yeah, we weren’t even alive when that happened, WWE 24/7.

Cody Rhodes: Why don’t they put any good matches on there? Like when we wrestled John Cena and Batista? Or the time we beat up Hardcore Holly. Or…um…Have we had any other matches?

DiBiase: Does it matter? Look, we can just show those over and over again. Nobody will know the difference anyway. It sure as hell beats “The Best of Tommy Dreamer” or whatever they’re running now.

Rhodes: Anyway, we had a rematch clause in our contract, and we figured that Cena and Batista will totally implode and lose tonight. So we’re cashing that in.

DiBiase: Here’s hoping it goes better for us than it has for CM Punk!

(ads)

Cryme Tyme vs. The Highlanders

I’m pretty sure this is WWE’s way of saying, “Hey! Remember these four guys?!” and the crowd is pretty much saying, “No?” Well, except Cryme Tyme. They’re best friends with John Cena. Right? Or did we forget that happened? I’m so confused! So, did you hear Randy Orton almost died because he was driving a motorcycle with a salad bowl over his head? That poor guy’s shoulder is never going to heal. I wonder if everybody’s forgiven Robbie for showing up on TNA that one time. That was Robbie, right? Not the other one? What’s his name? What ever happened to D’Lo anyway? Cryme Tyme wins.

(ads)

JBL is in the ring with a big black table. Ooh! I hope they have a contract signing. Or an arm wrestling contest! With my luck, they’ll probably just be playing Scrabble.

John Bradshaw Layfield: I know what you’re all thinking, and no, I’m not out here to play Scrabble. I’m out here to call out CM Punk! The most worthless champion in WWE since…that last guy. What’s his name? Come on out here, CM!

CM Punk: Would you quit saying that?! If you keep saying I’m a worthless excuse for a champion, people are going to start believing it! Don’t make me retreat back to my white room!

JBL: Shut up! Now, look, I know that you’re all straight edge and drug and alcohol free and all that nonsense, but I’ll tell you what. I’m going to challenge you to a drinking contest. If you can down this whole bottle of Jack Daniels, then you win! It’s just that easy!

Punk: So…that’s it? I just win your silly contest.

JBL: Well, yeah. I mean, it’s just a bottle of Jack Daniels, no biggie. It’d be a hell of a thing though.

Punk: Dude, didn’t you get the memo? We’re supposed be kid friendly now. Drinking alcohol is for losers. As my hero, Nancy Regan once said, “Just say no!”

JBL: See, this is just what I was talking about. Triple H wouldn’t have come out here and rambled about Nancy Regan! He would have drunk the bottle and hit me in the face with a sledgehammer.

Punk: Well, do I look like Triple H to you?

JBL: Kind of. In the eyes, I guess? Listen, do you want to play Scrabble?

Then Punk grabs the bottle and breaks it over JBL’s head, leaving Bradshaw the happiest knocked out person ever.

EVER!

(ads)

Chris Jericho (Lance Cade) vs. Kane

This match may or may not be for Kane’s burlap sack. I wasn’t really paying attention. Sorry. I do think that this show needs more Kane’s sack though. I’m probably more deeply disturbed by Chris Jericho running around in his underpants than I should be. What if Kane started wearing briefs?! The world would collapse in on itself! It is nice to see Lance Cade back from whatever hell he was banished to. We missed you, Garrison! Mike Adamle and the Adamle Private Security Squad head down to the ring, and Kane becomes more concerned about his sack than the match, which is just fine with Chris Jericho, who kicks Kane in the head for the win. Jericho won a match?

Mike Adamle: We’ve seen history made here today! Not only did Chad Jeritron win a match, but we’re also going to find out what’s in Crane’s sack!

Kane: No you’re not! Geez. Let’s not blow this angle here! Slow and steady wins the race!

Adamle: Quite frankly, I think this angle has gone on long enough! Besides, Crane, I already know what’s in your sack. It’s a tiny pair of balls!

Kane: Uh…No. Look, I appreciate you taking an interest in me and my career, but my opening this bag isn’t going to help anything.

Adamle: As my mentor, Ronald Regan, once said, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Mr. Gorbachev!” So, Kane, what do you say to that?

Kane: As my mentor, Ron Paul, said, “Legitimate use of violence can only be that which is required in self-defense.” So I’m about to chokeslam your ass!

Adamle: Listen, Crane, buddy, before you choke my ass, I think I’ve got it figured out! The internet was right after all! Your mask is in there! This whole time you’ve been wondering if your mask was alive or dead!

Kane: Well, the internet was sort of right. There is a mask in here!

Adamle: Gimmie that bag!

Adamle’s security team forces Kane to open his sack. He slowly unties the rope around the top and…out jumps Rey Misterio!

Adamle: Who the hell is this guy?!

Kane: I found him backstage last month! Can I keep him?!

I never would’ve guessed! Wait…Does this mean Rey Misterio is dead?

(ads)

The fans say that Zombie John Cena is a bigger stare than “Dave” Batista “Davidson.” You don’t say!

(ads)

Thanks for that last segment, guys!

The Tough Guys vs. Zombie John Cena and “Dave” Batista “Davidson”
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Kenji Fukui: Well here we are, the main event! Will the Zombie and the Animal have what it takes to beat The Tough Guys?!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Hearing you say that makes wrestling sound like the stupidest goddamn thing in the world.

Fukui: You know what? I’m not happy to be back sitting here with you! I had a great job doing commentary for some kid while he played the cooking mini-game in Suikoden II! I think they were going to bump me up to Cooking Mama next month!

Hatori: If it makes you feel any better, I’m making some beans in a crock pot under the announce table.

Fukui: Actually…it kind of does.

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Yeah, Cena and Batista are going to implode any second here, so they’ve got no chance at winning. With that in mind, I’m going go find JBL’s liquor supply and get drunk. You guys want anything?

Fukui: We’re professionals! We can’t drink until after this match has been decided!

Hatori: Bring me a bottle of vodka.

Fukui: Would you stop it?

Hatori: Hey! It’ll go good with my beans!

(ads)

Kenji Fukui: Welcome back. John Cena is getting beaten up or something. These beans are delicious!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Thanks! It was your mom’s secret recipe!

Fukui: Why you…leave my mom alone! What the hell is going on in the ring anyway? Why don’t you try calling the match?

Hatori: I’m just the color commentator. You’re supposed to be doing the play-by-play.

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: While the two of you were gorging yourselves on beans and booze, I’ve been backstage getting crunked with the Divas. Hahahahahahaha! Enjoy the match, suckers!

Fukui: Yeah? Well…Maybe I will enjoy the match! Eh….This match kind of sucks. What do you think Doctor? Doctor Hatori?

Hatori: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead?

Hatori: I’m backstage doing body shots off of Jillian Hall. Screw you.

Fukui: Real nice. Oh! DiBiase just rolled up Cena for the win after he and Batista collided. What a shocker!

Mike Adamle and Adamle’s Personal Security come out to ensure that Cena and Batista don’t fight each other before their big match at SummerSlam and/or eat each other’s brains. Of course that all goes to hell pretty quickly and pretty soon, Dave is biting Cena’s forehead and Cena is trying to hit an Osprey Bomb.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Shawn Michaels makes his return to yell at Chris Jericho and tell him to get off his lawn. Dave and John face each other for the first time of probably a hundred until Wrestlemania. Oh, and CM Punk has a match? I think?

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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