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RAW SATIRE    
Braaaaiiinnnssss.... Apple Doouuugghh...
Piiizzzzzaaaaa.... 

August 19, 2008

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: Chris Jericho one-upped Steve Austin by beating up someone else’s wife. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” beat the crap out of Zombie John Cena. And CM Punk might’ve had a match. I dunno. I missed part of the show waiting for the pizza. Will I be waiting for the pizza again…TONIGHT?!
 
(Opening Credits)

To be honest? Probably not. But here’s Chris Jericho with a mic. Not quite as satisfying as a pizza, Chris.

Chris Jericho: I didn’t come out here to satisfy or excite you tonight, Chicago. I came out here to learn you a lesson in how to feud with a guy, and then throw

it to a video package so that I can go poof my hair. You all know by now, unless you’ve been watching the Olympics, of course, that wrestling is now serious business. You know that because I’m wearing a suit and underwear instead of a shiny shirt and tight pants. I should probably change my music, though. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah! Shawn Michaels! Hey, man, You should have known better than to make a big spectacle out of your retirement. Look what happened to Ric Flair! He got fired! So, more or less, Whyspyr got knocked out because you’re such a prima donna jackass. Now, here’s a video package of kittens playing with a ball of yarn.

Aww! So cute!

(ads)

“Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. Paul Burchill

Paul is sans Katie Lea tonight, which is a shame. What the hell happened to Dave’s head?! He’s missing…entire sections of hair. Maybe they were trying to shave some sort of epic scene up there and just lost interest or something. I can’t believe I’m watching this instead of women’s gymnastics or whatever. Why isn’t Pro Wrestling an Olympic Event? Jericho even said, it’s serious business now! Whatever. If WWE hired Bella Karoli to do color, RAW would become the best show in the history of television. Either that or he could manage Santino! Nobody tell TNA about this! What? Oh, the match! Yeah. Batista won back when I went off on that tangent about his hair.

Backstage….

Mike Adamle: Well, we finally seem to have gotten rid of Ted Gruesome, so I guess I, as the District Manager here on Monday Nitro will have to do all the backstage interviews as well. At least until we hire another girl who could do it!

Tough Enough Jessie: Does that mean I’m fired again?! WAAAAAAAH!

Adamle: Yeah. Roster cuts are a bitch, whoever you are! Anyway, it’s my pleasure to introduce you to the newest member of the RAW roster, Caramello’s brother Pickled Colon! Ok, that’s it. I’m off to find somebody more interesting.

Primo Colon: Damn, Carlito was right about this place.

Adamle: Josh Cedar! You’re more interesting than that guy back there! What do you have to say for yourself?

Zombie John Cena: Braaaaaains!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Your bites have ruined my HAIR!

Cena: Dave, the better man won last night. Psyche! HAHAHAHAHA!

Batista: You are a classy DUDE!

(ads)

Jillian Hall & Katie Lea Burchill vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly and Alexis Laree

Jillian Hall sings “Another Rainy Day in New York City” as an ode to the fact that RAW is in Chicago this week. Ah, so that’s why the crowd is so hyper this week. Must suck to have nothing else to cheer for, eh, Chicago fans? Well…I mean, I guess you can all be happy that Randy’s cousin Kyle is starting for the Bears this year! Kelly and Alexis nail the world’s most hilarious double drop kick (to the shins of Katie Lea!), and then Alexis hits a DDT for the win. Well…I guess I could come up with worse matches than this, so I won’t complain.

(ads)

John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Jamie Noble

Sometimes, when it’s dark and cold at night, I wonder what ever happened to Evan Kourageous, if only because Noble & Kourageous was the best tag team name ever. EVER! Where’s Layla El? Don’t tell me they broke up again! Aw! Poor Jamie. Speaking of Poor Jamie, he’s currently in the middle of getting his ass pretty thoroughly kicked by JBL. Bradshaw hits all of his signature moves. All…two of them. It’s the Fallaway Slam and then the Clothesline from Hell. Then he hits them again because we’ve got time to kill. JBL goes for the pin, but WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance stops the match and awards the victory to JBL anyway. Well…Ok, then!

Coming up next, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley-McMahon-Levesque and Shane McMahon! I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS!

(ads)

Hey! It’s the Chicago Cubs! Where’s Fukudome? Hehehehe…Fukudome!

Mike Adamle’s theme music is “To Be Loved’ by Papa Roach, which is also the RAW theme, so…Now you know. That’s also really lame. Can’t they rip off the Gladiators theme for him?

Mike Adamle So, yeah. Apparently, I’m Shawn and Stephan McManus tonight. Sorry! Hahahaha! Actually I’m not even all that sorry. Those people don’t want to be in Chicago. But me? I live in Chicago! I love Chicago! And so that’s why I’m here. To announce a match that will not be happening in Chicago! You see, because at UFC Monday Nitro Presents UFC Unforgettable Pay Per View Name, we’re going to have a match pitting UFC World Champion CP Monk against Joe Breadshaw Wheatfield, The Big Red Machete Crane, “David” The Tista “Davidman,” and Zambian Josh Cedar! It’ll be twenty minutes long and anybody who gets a pinfall gets a title run! It’s like the days of the old UFC Hardcode Title! How far can we jack up people’s title counts in one twenty minute match?! Find out at UFC Unforgettable Pay Per View name! Only on DVD, two months after the PPV! I will say this, watch out Natural Guy Rick Flour! Now, here’s some other guys!

The Tough Guys vs. Zombie John Cena
In a Handicap Match (Guess Who Has the Handicap!)

And now, ladies (ladies? No?) and gentlemen, I present you WWE Ring Announcer Lillian Garcia!

Lillian Garica: Introducing first, the WWE World Tag Team Champions, Cody Rhodes and…uh…Wait…We’re not at the part of the video where it says his name yet. Ted DiBiase? Isn’t he old? Whatever. We’ll just go with it. Ted DiBiase!

Should’ve just said “The Tough Guys,” Lillian. Anyway, before we can even get started, Cryme Tyme runs out and steals the belts! Oh, Cryme Tyme! You devilish cads! What won’t you do to get yourself on TV? Anyway, now that that’s done, it’s time for a little APPLE DOUGH!

(ads)

I have to admit, the Apple Dough is quite a bit more satisfying than a Chris Jericho interview. But not as satisfying as a pizza. What is it with me and food lately? I’m sorry. The Tough Guys are beating up Cena outside the ring. That’s what you get for being a Zombie! And friends with a criminal. Things are looking good for the champions, a little too good, so Cena throws Rhodes out of the ring and locks DiBiasi in the STFU for the win. THE CHAMP IS HERE!!! Seriously, though. I love watching these two get beat up. A lot.

(ads)

In case you’re wondering, Harley Race is in the crowd, trying to look like he’s still paying attention.

Here’s a clip from after SummerSlam last night!

Michael Cole: Hey, so I’m here with Shawn Michaels and his wife Whyspyr Michaels, and I guess despite your wife’s badly fractured jaw from one punch from ol’ noodle arms Chris Jericho, you stayed through the whole show, huh?

Shawn Michaels: Uh…yeah. I wanted to watch Undertaker through Edge through stuff. The whole hospital thing can wait.

Cole: Oh. So…Are you mad at Chris Jericho for punching your wife in the lip?

Michaels: Are you kidding me? An excuse to Kurt Angle my wife onto TV? Plus! I don’t have to pay for Botox this month now! If anything, I owe Chris Jericho a Coke.

Cole: Pepsi. Coke isn’t a sponsor anymore.

Michaels: Screw you and CM Punk. Somebody get me some Coke.

Whyspyr: Shawn….

Michaels: Aw, geez. That came out wrong, didn’t it?

Backstage….

Todd Grisham: Think you can get rid of me so easily Adamle? I think not! Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with-

Primo Colon: Finally! I’m really ex-

Grisham: CM Punk.

Colon: Damn it!

Grisham: And I’m contractually obligated to ask you, Punk, what do you think about the start of a beautiful feud tonight against Chris Jericho?

CM Punk: Get with the program, Todd, Jericho’s not even in that Five Man Title Grab at Unforgiven! So instead, right here in my hometown of Chicago, I’m going to take advantage of the fact that Chris Jericho might actually be lower on the card than I am, and squash him deader than The Highlanders.

Grisham: Oh you, idiot. You know why I hate this show? Because we do this crap all the time. Way to take the one match I wanted to see and ruin it! Matt Striker would understand! I should’ve stayed off this show!

Punk: Yeah, probably. Especially since you don’t have your glasses anymore.

Grisham: You’re a real ass, Punk! You know what I think of you and your stupid straight edge life style?

Punk: That it’s an honorable and clean way of living that your respect and admire?

Grisham: No! THIS!

Todd Grisham reaches for a bottle of Jack Daniel’s, but ends up grabbing a bottle of cyanide instead. A few shots later, Todd Grisham has fallen.

Now, Beth Phoenix and Santino Marella are on the way to the ring. Did I mention that they won the Women’s and Intercontinental Titles (respectively) last night? I didn’t? Well…They did.

(ads)

Santino Marella (w/ Beth Phoenix) vs. D’Lo Brown

Kenji Fukui: Well, this match certainly isn’t for the Intercontinental Championship. But joining us for commentary on this match is the former champion himself, Kofi Kingston.

Kofi Kingston: Yah, man! Righteous!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: I had some Coffee Kingston one time. Not bad.

Kofi: Yah, man! I’m named after something on the Starbucks menu!

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Actually, I wanted to talk to Kofi.

Kofi: Right right, go ahead, man!

Ohta: Can you teach me some moves for my Jamaican dance club? All I’ve got so far is the Thunder Clap.

Kofi: A little penicillin will clear that right up, man!

Hatori: I got the Thunder Clap from my threesome with Kofi and Fukui’s moms. It was totally worth it though.

Fukui: Would you stop?

Kofi: What are you a doctor of anyway?!

Hatori: Bad, fake accents.

Kofi: Oooooh.

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Beth Phoenix just yelled, “HOLD IT!” and stopped D’Lo from doing the Low Down, saving Santino, but giving D’Lo the DQ win! So the match is over. Everybody shut up.

Hatori: Awesome. I’m going to go backstage and get myself a Coffee Kingston.

Kofi: I am Shelton!

Backstage, Kane is sipping a Coffee Kingston, but accidentally spills it on himself. Will he never learn?!

(ads)

Hey, remember when WWE used to just trot Stacy and Torrie out in bikinis every week and call that “using the Divas?” Well, WWE 24/7 does! This, by the way, is totally kid friendly.

And heeeeeeeeere’s Kane! Woah, his music is all organ-y again. Wait…is this his WWF War Zone theme? Faaaantastic!

Kane: Try playing that one on violin, bitches. Anyway, so you’re probably wondering a lot of stuff about this whole Rey Misterio deal. I know Freddie Prinze Jr. still is. I mean, after all, why in the world hasn’t anybody noticed he’s gone? Why didn’t you hear that he’d been laid out in the parking lot and taken to the hospital? Why wasn’t a WWE.Com Exclusive camera there to catch the action? Why was I wondering if he was alive or dead, if I’m the one that killed him? Why was I carrying him around in a tiny burlap sack for the last month? Why in the hell am I feuding with Rey Misterio?!

Hey! I was wondering all of those things!

Kane: Well, besides the obvious “needs more Kane” factor, the fact of the matter is, that Rey Misterio is like that little bit of dirt that you get under your finger nails. You know? Like…there’s that little speck of dirt there, and you dig for it and dig for it, and you just can’t get it out! Ugh! So, then you just take it out to the parking lot and beat the hell out of it for no reason. Um…so…yeah. I don’t have any clue why I did it either. Sorry! Wait. No. I did it for Charlie Haas. Yeah. He should be the only masked wrestler on RAW. He still does that, right?

“Dave” Batista “Davidson” comes out, awfully pissed off. Partly because Rey Misterio is the only person on the whole roster anymore who is actually friends with Dave, but mostly because Kane’s explanation gave Dave a headache. They brawl for a while, and just when you think Dave’s going to hit the OSPREYBOMB TO KANE, Kane punches Dave’s trick knee, hits a chokeslam, and then bails. That’s some good anglin’, Mr. Michelle Gellar!

(ads)

Chris Jericho (w/ Lance Cade) vs. CM Punk

Jericho’s got red undies on tonight, because he’s not trying to be Steve Austin. Fukui says that “Punk is blowing the roof off this place,” but I think he means literally. Like…with dynamite or something. Because the crowd is kind of, “Oh! Did they just say from Chicago?! Oh. It’s CM Punk.” I’m still kind of looking forward to this match, though. These are two thin, wiry gentlemen! It’s just like I’m watching TNA! Punk does a backflip in the corner while Jericho turns face, then heel, then face, and then hits Sting with a guitar to turn back heel again. MATCH OF THE YEAR!

(ads)

Thankfully, this match is non-title, because we all totally know that Punk is losing, right? I mean, it’s his home town, Jericho is the top heel on RAW right now, and it’s CM Punk. So, yeah. Punk tries to fight the power and goes for the Go To Sleep, but Jericho sneaks out of it. This match really isn’t as good as I’d hoped. I think probably because they’re both still reeling from Kane’s lack of shocking revelations. And lack of Hocking revelations, I guess. I can’t do everything for you, WWE! Some things you’re just going to have to learn to do on your own. Punk gets a Double Underhook Backbreaker, which is funny. Not only because it’s one of Jericho’s moves that he never uses, but because if he just falls to his knees, he totally hits a PEDIGREE TO JERICHO and wins the match. Sigh. Instead, Punk stops to ponder how Lance Cade avoided getting fired again, and Jericho snaps off a Codebreaker for the win. Poor Punk.

Next Week: Chris Jericho punches Shawn Michael’s kids. Accidentally. In the teeth so Shawn doesn’t have to pay for braces. Plus, Kane attacks D’Lo in the parking lot, just to see how many times he can get away with this. And Zombie John Cena and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” shake hands tersely in a hallway for an hour. Plus, ALIENS AND VAMPIRES! AAAAAAH!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
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RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
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RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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