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RAW SATIRE    
Tonight's Secret Ingredients: Fried Bananas and Peanut Butter... and Honkytonk Man's Blogolicious RAGE~!

September 2, 2008

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: The WWE Debut of Mansquito! Plus, Charlie Haas took wrestling cosplay to levels not reached since…a couple years ago, at least. Plus, Rey Misterio was announced as being alive, so, that’s a plus. Right? Maybe he’ll even still be alive…TONIGHT!
 
(Opening Credits)

So, did you hear Shane Helms is in New Orleans right now? I hope he’s getting a second opinion on what’s wrong with his necks. Speaking of things going horribly wrong, what the hell is Randy Orton doing here?

Randy Orton: That’s white! It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, and though my collie bone may be brokered, my spirits is still strong! That’s why I decidered to show up to WD40 Monkey Night WRONG in my home town of Sans Lettuce to give my opinions of the curtain UUUUE chocolate chips! First, the Girls Chaplain, Bess Penis. What kind of naming is that?! She’s more like a Manizon, if you know with what I am sailing! And her boiled friend? San Diego Mozerella…he sounds delicious. I’d like to invite him over for lurch some times. What about the Tagged Teen Chimps? The Tuft Guys, Corky Roams and Ten DiRossi? I don’t condom their type of relationskip, or the fact that they are belts got stolen by Crying Time! But worse than all? My WOW Whirl Heady Waist Chocolate Chip is currently around the weight of some guy named CN Poke. That’s a complete jerk! He’s even more of a jerk as champion than I was! And took a lot of works!

CM Punk: Aw, come on, man! I’m not nearly as much of a joke of a champion as you. Please.

Orton: I never lost to Chip Jeritron.

Punk: Ugh. Oh yeah? Well, I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs, wash my hair, or get thrown 3,000 yards from my motorcycle because I was trying to see if I could land on my shoulder without it breaking into a million pieces again!

Orton: I believered I could fly! You can’t decry that that’s implausible! Besides, unlike you, I wasn’t west wing in high school gem last year like you were for Ring of Whores.

Punk: Look, that’s not really a fair assessment. First of all, Ring of Honor is a great federation that has lots of fans. Ok, some fans. Ok, there’s three guys in New Jersey, but they really love them some Colt Cabana, ok? And I wasn’t even in Ring of Honor last year. I was in ECW which…might be worse, actually…..

Orton: Admin it! You’re a hornswoggle champion!

Punk: We’ll see how horrible I am when I defend my title against you at Wrestlemania!

Orton: Hahahahahahahahaha!

Punk: What’s so funny?

Orton: You are total peas losing that belt at Undertaken on Sundry.

John Bradshaw Leyfeild: And I cannot wait….hold on. Moooo! I love it! As I was saying, I cannot wait to fight you for the 950th time, CM Punk! Surely, one of these times will be the one where I finally beat you, and prove that I’m not nearly as lame as you. Come Sunday, it’s my time to shine!

Kane: John, the only thing more lame than Punk’s title reign is your mic work lately. What gives? You know, I’m pretty sure the 7th Circle of Hell is filled with people who have died watching you two feud. I’ll let you know. I’m going on vacation there after the Libertarian National Convention. I’m going to bring my Handicam and I’m going to force them to put it up on WWE.com!

Punk: Damn, Joey Styles will put anything up there.

Kane: Yeah, that place is dead ever since Stevie Richards got canned. Deader than Rey Misterio! Hahahaha! Uh…because, you see. I killed him.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Way to stay on TOPIC!

Then Dave hits an OSPREY BOMB TO EVERYBODY IN THE RING! Which, by the way, did not include Randy Orton because he’d wandered off to buy some nachos. That sling of his actually makes a pretty awesome nacho pouch if you scrunch your hand back a little bit. Ok, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, The Tista’s a bad ass.

(ads)

Who’s ready for a little…APPLE DOUGH?!

Wait…I thought John Cena was still in Zombie Outpatient care with that case of broken necks. Oh. Silly me. The answer to how John Cena could come back so quickly is very clear: Charlie Haas.

John Charlieena vs. Kofi Kingston

Kofi is Shelton, you know, so Charlie should feel right at home in this match. I kind of like that Kofi’s pyro goes off as he’s doing his Thunder Claps, but I can’t help but feel that Undertaker’s CG Lighting would be a better pyro for him. Poor Kofi is just from “Jamaica,” apparently. Not even “The Isle of Jamaica.” Now that sounds more mysterious! What they should do is just split the difference and say he’s from, Ghana, Jamaica. That’d make everybody happy, and it’s not like anybody check to see that there wasn’t actually a Ghana in Jamaica. Haas hilariously fails at hitting all of John Cena’s moves until Kofi kicks him in the back of the head to end it. Always the bride’s maid to Shelton, eh, Charlie?

(ads)

Backstage….

Cody Rhodes: What the hell, dude! We’re patterning our whole careers on you! We were going to let you join our stable when you came back!

Ted DiBiase: Yeah, why’d you have to go and punk us out like that?

Randy Orton: Tuft Guys, you have to learned one thing about this buzz nest! That’s taking a dumpster in girl’s bags. I haven’t not heard one thing about you toons takering any dumps in any bags! Until then, I can’t not respectorate you as workers. Oh, also you should probately steal your bolts back.

Rhodes: Stealing our belts back sounds hard!

Orton slaps Rhodes.

Orton: No! Kicking your farthing, Dusky Robes in the head was hard! Living in the Aid of Orko was hard! Wearing a Sallary Bowl as a helmans was hard! Stealering your bolts back from Crying Time? That’s a pierce of Cade.

Rhodes: Ted, I didn’t understand a word of that! Let’s take him out!

DiBiase: Sigh…We probably can’t kill him. Not without fire. Do you have any fire?

Rhodes: Well…no.

DiBiase: Do you know where we can get any fire?

Rhodes: No…Wait! Kane!

DiBiase: Say we get Kane. Do you think he’d have any problems setting you on fire as well as Orton?

Rhodes: Sigh…no.

DiBiase: Ok then. I say we just let it go.

Elsewhere….

Theodore Long: Holla Holla, playa!

Mike Adamle: Theodore Lounge! My favorite former boss! How are you doing tonight?

Long: Much better since I got rid of your broke ass, playa!

Adamle: And…new random blonde girl! So nice to see you…again?

Tough Enough Jessie: I’VE WORKED HERE FOR EIGHT YEARS!! WAAAAAAH!

Adamle: I’ll bet you have. You know, I was thinking about putting together a charity drive. Jerry Lawler’s Telethon for Disadvantaged Random Blonde Women. What do you think, Teddy Ruxpin?

Teddy Ruxpin: Let’s go on an adventure, kids!

Adamle: Oh, I love adventures!

Long: Right.

Kane: Mike Adamle, what were you thinking last week when you announced that Rey Misterio would be in the Scramble Match at Unforgiven? I told you that I killed him!

Adamle: Who the hell is Rey Mysterious? Isn’t that a Batman villain? Anyway, being dead never stopped John Cena from wrestling in title matches!

Long: Or your brother!

Kane: Yeah, I suppose.

Adamle: Besides, Teddy here and I were discussing this, and we decided that RAW needed a little less Kane and more Reys!

Kane: Theodore, how dare you?!

Long: Not me, playa. Him.

Ruxpin: I found a secret treasure map!

Kane: RUXPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!

A bunch of guys who I don’t know are on their way out to the ring. Why? Maybe we’ll find out after these-

(ads)

The Miz vs. Matt Hardy vs. Fit Finlay (w/ Hornswoggle) vs. Chavo Guerrero (w/ Bam Neely) vs. Mark Henry (w/ Tony Atlas)
In a Battle Royal

Soooo…This is what’s going on in ECW now, huh? Interesting. Nice belt, there Mark! That totally doesn’t look like something some Indie federation made out of hubcaps and cardboard ten minutes before their show in scenic Backyard of Billy’s Mom’s House. I won’t say any more though, because Billy’s Mom is smoking hot. And she always brings us cookies and lemonade after our Tai Pei Death Matches. Everybody gangs up on Henry to start. RACISM! But he quickly dumps Chavo and Mike The Miz. I like how Miz is the more threatening of his team with Morrison now. Finlay gets tossed by Henry and somehow manages to miss the obvious spot where he walks on Hornswoggle to stay in the match. Some son that is! Hardy tries to get back into it, but Henry’s just too fat. Mark Henry wins! It’s a victory for fat guys in battle royals everywhere! You can do it. I’m somewhat distracted by the fact that Tony Freakin’ Atlas is a weekly regular on WWE TV right now. WTF?

(ads)

Backstage, Chris Jericho is reading the contract for his unsanctioned match against Shawn Michaels. No, I do not know why there would be a contract for an unsanctioned match. Lance Cade, however, seems way too interested in all of this. Actually, you know what? I’d take Cade’s advice over the lawyer’s any day. Dude looks kind of shifty.

Jamie Noble (w/ Layla El) vs. William Regal

So wait, Jamie is back with Layla again? I guess when she didn’t get any TV time last week she realized that he was right! You can’t deny the Noble! William Regal still looks really weird. What’s up with that anyway? Being a vampire has not done wonders for Regal’s appearance. It’s too bad that he missed last week’s episode on SciFi, because I hear they love wrestling vampires. Regal looks utterly bored by this match, so bored in fact, that he accidentally gets rolled up by Noble. Jamie wins! Layla is so shocked by this turn of events that she makes kind of a disgusted face and runs backstage. Hahaha! Four more months of hanging out with Jamie Noble!

Backstage, Kelly Kelly Kelly and Alexis Laree are polishing up their resumes in case Ron Paul is looking to counter John McCain’s vice presidential selection. Kane will be so proud!

(ads)

Katie Lea Burchill, Jillian Hall and Beth Phoenix vs. Alexis Laree, Kelly Kelly Kelly, and Boobsie McTitsalot

Welcome back, Boobsie! All eyes on me memememememememememe! Sadly, her reintroduction comes after Beth Phoenix says that “Randy Orton was wrong, no woman can match my strength!” Seriously, Boobsie? I don’t think your can match her strength. Sorry. Jillian Hall tries to defuse the situation by singing “Hot in Herre” but she’s no Jenny Owen Youngs. Am I right? Come on! Nobody? Sigh…I need to start writing Ring of Honor recaps so I can use all my hipster indie jokes. Boobsie goes up to the top rope, threatening to break her collar bone again, but Beth talks her down and gets rolled up for her troubles. Boobsie is such a jerk! Geez. Are those back tattoos new? Bleh.

(ads)

Santino Marella vs. D’Lo Brown

Kenji Fukui: Wow! Only 62 more weeks until Santino overtakes The Honky Tonk Man as wrestling’s lamest joke champion! I bet Honky is blogging about how big of an insult to his career this is right now!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: You know, I blogged with Honky Tonk Man one time.

Fukui: Yeah, how’d that go?

Hatori: I think he knew more about your mom’s sensitive areas than I did!

Fukui: Would you stop?!

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Did you know that D’Lo Brown learned the Shining Wizard from The Great Muta?

Fukui: No, I did not know that. Thank you, Ohta-san, that was surprisingly…relevant.

Hatori: I gave your mother a Shining Wizard one time.

Fukui: You kneed her in the face?!

Hatori: Oh, wait. No.

Fukui: Why did I ever agree to come back?

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead.

Fukui: Santino just beat D’Lo with a roll-up. Apparently, that’s this week’s ingredient! I can’t wait to see how it pans out in tonight’s other battle royal!

Backstage, Shawn Michaels is frowning. I wonder if he’s just learned that he’s going to tear his bicep later. Oops, I should’ve have spoiled that. Anyway, his lawyer looks nominally more trustworthy than Jericho’s, but I still think he should’ve brought in Trevor Murdoch to consult.

(ads)

Remember Steve Austin? Well so does WWE 24/7, and you can’t have him! HA!

Miz and Morrison vs. Cryme Tyme

This match was apparently booked because all four of these guys have shows on WWE.com? I guess? Didn’t Miz already have a match tonight? I’m way too lazy to go back and check. They brawl in the aisle for a few minutes (with Miz hilariously waiting about two minutes after Morrison and JTG started brawling to lay out Shad), then The Tough Guys stumble down and steal their titles back. Why in the hell was Cryme Tyme dumb enough to bring the belts to a match? Don’t tell me that Cena was the brains (braaaaaaaaaiiins) of that operation. No wonder these guys have never won a match!

(ads)

Backstage….

Ted DiBiase: Well? Well?

Cody Rhodes: We got our titles back!

Randy Orton: Oh. Corky and Todd! Conflagrations, I guess?

Cody: And we took a big dump in Tough Enough Jessie’s bag.

Orton: You guys are my breast fiends! I lover yous!

DiBiase: I don’t know if that was even worth it….

Tough Enough Jessie: If I would’ve know that’s how you make friends around here, I would’ve crapped my own bag! WAAAAAAAAH!

At ringside, are the St. Louis Rams, possibly the only people in the building worse than CM Punk.

Meanwhile, at the Republican National Convention (In my home town of St. Paul, MN! CIVIC PRIDE!!!!!!)….

WWE.com Diva Josh Mathews: We are here live at the Republican National Convention where we’ve blocked off every street going in an out of St. Paul in an effort to stop the city dead. Not that anyone’s bitter about that or anything.

Ken Kennedy: I guess nobody’s even going to be here either. Want to go grab some funny American flag hats and go over to Minneapolis, where things…you know…actually happen?

Mathews: Are you asking me out on a date?

Kennedy: Well…I mean…you’re soooo hot!

Alexis Laree: Hey guys! Do you think John McCain will pick me to be the vice president if that Palin girl keeps getting teen pregnant?

Kennedy: Um…Nope.

Mathews: Wait…Alexis, how are you here? You just had a match on RAW not a half hour ago!

Alexis: Yeah, that happened yesterday. We’re broadcasting live from the future.

Mathews: Oh no! Not again! Everybody hold on to something before the universe tears apart!

Kennedy: Can I hold on to you?

Alexis: No!

Mathews: No!

The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: Who’s been messing with my space time continuum again?!

Alexis: Ok, I’m really, really sorry! I wanted a funny American flag hat so I defied the laws of the universe to travel forward in time to get one.

Voice of Taker: Aww, ok! I can’t stay mad at you!

Alexis: Really?

Voice of Taker: No! You’re banished to being lower on the card than Boobsie!

Kennedy: BOOBSIE!

Seriously, being an injured WWE superstar is the best job in the world. You just get to fly around the country and pretend to punch politicians. Where do I sign up?

Meanwhile, back in the present past participle….

Todd Grisham: AGH! Why in the hell can’t the space time continuum stand still on this show? I’ll get over superfluous “u”s, I have no trouble dealing with constant undead and alien invasions, or our whole show exploding ninety times in a week when we were in Japan, but why, WHY can’t we have a single universal time line? Just once!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I am probably not the person to be ASKING!

Grisham: Nobody else will talk to me.

Batista: I like your HAIR!

Grisham: I will conserve the timeline by committing sepuku! Farewell!

Todd Grisham thrusts himself onto the sharp edge of the space-time continuum. Todd Grisham has fallen. Orton wins!

Randy Orton: I’ve still got it!

(ads)

“Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. CM Punk vs. John Bradshaw Leyfeild vs. Kane
In a Battle Royal

No Rey Misterio, so I guess he’s dead. That’s too bad. The announcers spend about ten minutes trying to get me to go to WWE.com to check out some article about Batista giving credit for his hot dance moves to sumo wrestlers, but no dice. Firstly, Dave’s “dance moves” are totally just him pretending he’s got a machine gun. I know it’s not kid friendly, but it’s true, and even I have to admit it’s way cooler than his stupid flexing that he used to do in Evolution. Secondly, the only guy we can credit for having dance moves in WWE is Kofi Kingston and all he’s got is the Thunder Clap. Thirdly, I’m not going to WWE.com for anything. Randy Orton is out and he was going to be on commentary, but clearly he’s just as befuddled by this as I am. Anyway, Punk eliminates Batista before they’re even done talking about his hot dance beats, then JBL. Then, about five minutes in Kane dumps Punk. Kane wins!

After the match, Punk and Orton discuss whether or not Dave’s hot moves are a dance, and Punk dumps a glass of water on Randy’s head and runs away. Real mature. I guess being straight edge doesn’t mean you’re not a prick. Then Rey Misterio comes out and attacks Kane. Huh. I guess he’s not dead then? Rey throws the worst punches in the business, you guys. Wow. After a few minutes of flailing, he kicks Kane in the head and hits a hurricanrana that tosses Kane over the security rail. Yes. Because in my first appearance after a guy almost kills me, the first thing I’m going to think about doing is some lucha libre crap. Actually…it probably would be if I punched like Rey….

(ads)

It’s contract singing time! Everybody loves a good contract signing! Jerry “” Lawler gives both Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels a pen, and at their shifty looking lawyer’s approval, both guys sign. Wow. This is really thrilling.

Mike Adamle: Now if you two touch each other before the match on Sunday, we’ll take it away.

Chris Jericho: Do you mind if we say “Neener neener I’m not touching you” while waving our fingers close to, but not quite touching, the other’s face?

Adamle: That is acceptable.

Shawn Michaels: What if I have my wife hit him for me?

Adamle: That’s fine too.

Jericho: Great. Everything’s settled then. You all can leave. I’d like to spend a little quality time with Shawn here.

The crowd exhales a huge sigh of relief and files out.

Michaels: Chris, I wanted to thank you again for helping my family. I brought a fruit basket last week, but all I have this week is a firm handshake, a catatonic stare, and some bristly whiskers.

Jericho: Just hearing those words from your mouth are thanks enough, Shawn. Last week, I went home and told my kids that when they grow up, I want them to be just like Shawn Michaels. Right down to the prancing around in chaps.

Shawn: I really should’ve shaved before I came here. This beard is kind of itchy.

Jericho: Shawn, when you’re ready to retire, can I be the one that puts you down? Can I be the one that tells you that he loves you before Superkicking your raggedy old face off?

Shawn: Absolutely. Because sometimes, you’ve got to look raggedy old men in the face, and Superkick them. Unless they’re Hulk Hogan, then you agree to job to them for a huge payout.

Jericho: I really do hope you don’t tear your tricep in a few minutes, putting you on the shelf until Wrestlemania.

Michaels: Me too, Chris. Me too.

Suddenly, Lance Cade decks Shawn in the back of the head, because he’s kind of a prick. Shawn gets back up, fuming that Cade ruined his wonderfully civil chat session with his good friend Chris Jericho. While Shawn beats up Cade, Jericho bails to blog some more about how much more serious he’s taking wrestling. Shawn tries to jump out of the ring to shake his hand, but manages to land right on his tricep tearing it in half! Oh no! Now what will become of their sure to be epic love-in at Unforgiven? Hilariously, Shawn still manages to beat up Cade for another ten minutes, even without one arm.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels spend a quiet evening enjoying a relaxing tea. Brian Kendrick, The Miz, and Kane all win World Titles just to mess with your head. Plus, Santino Marella is another week closer to wrestling immortality.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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