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RAW SATIRE    
Everybody Loves Kelly Kelly 

September 11, 2008

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: So holy crap, I guess there was a PPV? How come nobody told me?! Shawn Michaels beat up Chris Jericho, but then Jericho dressed up as CM Punk and won the World Title. And Cryme Tyme lost another match. And I guess Matt Hardy won a World Title too? Ridiculous! Let’s learn more…TONIGHT!
 
(Opening Credits)

So hey, here’s Chris Jericho, with his second World Heavyweight Title. Wow. I guess wrestling really is serious business after all. It also helps when every good wrestler either gets hurt or shuffled off your show. That’s how I became Ring of Honor champion for two months last summer.
 

Chris Jericho: As you can all see by the fact that I’m holding this belt with my name on it, wrestling is serious business. And I won it. I won wrestling! Yes, last night, Shawn Michaels may very well have beat me within an inch of my life, giving me…well…let me show you.

Chris Jericho spends about twenty minutes taking off all his clothes, much to the delight of football fans looking for a reason to flip over and check the Packers/Vikings score.

Jericho: Aha! There! You see? Look at these bruises, welts, scars, and…I think this one is a hickey. Yeah. But, here’s the thing, While Shawn Michaels left after our match, which wasn’t even really a match and more of a “segment” which he “won,” and went home and iced himself down and had sex with his wife, I dressed up like CM Punk, got punched by The Tista, and won a belt. Which…wait…why am I happy about that again?

Mike Adamle: Because, Chad, you winning the UFC World Welterweight Title is proof that there’s still some sense of sense left in this company! Who better to take the belt off a hapless midcarder trying to find his place in the world, than a hapless upper-midcarder who has given up on trying to find his place in this world?

Jericho: Heh. I guess so.

Adamle: But, lest you think that I’m not upset by the little charade you pulled last night, dressing like a competitor in the Championship Scrabble, you’re wrong! I’m really upset, because I had a ton of money on Munk pulling out a win last night, and since you’re not actually CP Munk, I lost it all! You’re lucky I don’t come down there and break your necks!

Jericho: Wait…you bet on wrestling?!

Adamle: Wrestling is serious business, Chad! So next week, it’ll be Chad Ochocinco vs. CP Munk in a double or nothing match! Where, if Munk wins back the Welterweight Title, I win double my money back!

Jericho: I wouldn’t bet on that at all, but ok. Sounds like good times.

Adamle: That’s not all! I’ve decided to punish you for your actions at Unforgettable Pay Per View name! That’s why tonight, in that very ring right there in the ring, you’re going to take on “David” The Tista “Davidman”!

Now, Chris Jericho is crying. I bet you wish you didn’t win the World Title, don’t you Chris?

(ads)

Alexis Laree vs. Beth Phoenix
For the WWE Women’s Title

Boobsie is at ringside and has challenged the winner to a match at No Mercy. You know, back tattoos aside, I really like her new haircut. Sadly, Alexis isn’t time traveling this week. If she was, I’d ask her to get me some Wrestlemania tickets. I’ve never been! The announcers spend about twenty minutes discussing that Santino isn’t out here right now, but Beth really loves him for reals and they’re going to have lots of unattractive babies. That’s sweet. Beth punches Alexis. That’s her move!! Beth wins. Afterwards, Boobsie looks unimpressed. Or…whatever that face is supposed to be. Happy? Angry? Lustful?

Backstage…

Jamie Noble: I can’t believe you agreed to appear in more segments with me!

Layla El: It was either this or get my own talk show on WWE.com.

Layla shudders.

Noble: Anyway, I’m so happy that I decided to have Britney Spears open our relationship!

Layla: Really? That’s kind of…asking for it.

Noble: But I couldn’t afford Britney, so here’s the next best thing!

Jillian Hall: Thank you so much. Thank you for all the love. I’m here tonight to celebrate a very important birthday, the 25th anniversary of Wrestlemania. This is the start to Jamie Noble’s road to Wrestlemania and it starts right now!

Layla: Uh?

Noble: Yeah, I don’t really know what I was thinking.

Jillian: So, Rihanna is some kind of alien, right?

Layla: Totally.

Noble: I like Paramore.

Layla: What the hell was this segment even about?

Noble: Wrestlemania, I think. Who wants to hit up TGI Fridays?

(ads)

Jamie Noble (w/ Layla El) vs. King William Regal

I like how Layla’s last name is “the.” Layla The, Ladies and Gentlemen! Those crazy Brits. I’m just shocked her name isn’t Lauyla Eul. Regal is looking even shaggier than usual for some reason this week. What in the hell is up with this dude? And don’t tell me it’s post-suspension depression, because he’s been like this ever since he came back the first time and won King of the Ring. Then again, maybe his horrible looking Singlet is throwing me off. I need a ruling on this. Anyway, Regal knees Noble in the back of the head, and then kicks him in the head for the win. Afterwards, Regal entrances Layla with his vampire gaze and they leave together. They should go on a double date with the Burchills! No…Wait….

(ads)

John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Charlie Haas Layfield

Charlie accidentally locked himself in JBL’s trunk, and had to come up with a gimmick on the spot, so this is what you get. I wonder if he’s pissed at Jericho for his gimmick infringement…infringment. CHL gets on the mic and declares himself the new JBL, which infuriates Bradshaw, and me, kind of, because he makes a horrible JBL. He was a way better Zombie Cena. Like, a squillion times better. Bradshaw is so flustered by all of this that he just bails on the segment entirely. I don’t blame him, really. Haas wins! Play his music! Moooooo! The fans are going nuts, mostly because they’re not old enough to remember when Big Show did this exact same thing. Or…Any of the billion other people who’ve done it. Hell, it kept Stevie Richards on TV for about three months one time.

(ads)

Backstage….

John Bradshaw Layfield: I can’t believe that just happened. I’m a main-eventer, you know? I should be treated like a main-eventer!

Kelly Kelly Kelly: Why, whatever happened Mr. Layfield?

JBL: Do you know who just beat me out on national TV?

Kelly: Tough Enough Jessie?

“Dave” Batisa “Davidson”: Was it Charlie HAAS?

JBL: Yes! Exactly! Charlie Haas! How ridiculous is that?! I give my heart, soul, and back to this company, they finally take the belt off of CM Punk, after who knows how long, and what thanks to I get? The mid-carders are still in control of the show?

Batista: You worry too MUCH!

Kelly: I hate to leave, but I’m going to leave.

JBL: Ugh…Women just don’t understand. You know, Dave?

Batista: I can not believe you lost to Charlie HAAS!

Then Tough Enough Jessie runs in and beats up JBL for not giving her props. Elsewhere, Todd Grisham is standing by with Rey Misterio.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with Rey Misterio, and Rey, how do you respond to claims that you are just a horrible, terrible interview?

Rey Misterio: Uh…They’re ok? I guess?

Grisham: Ugh. You know what? I don’t care. I don’t care about your mic skills, I don’t care about your stupid mask, and I certainly don’t care that Kane beat you within an inch of your life. I just…whatever. This is stupid. I should be at ECW right now.

Misterio: Nah, it’s cool. There’s a talent exchange now. You can be here all you want.

Grisham: How about none, then? I want to be here none. Whatever. Let’s just end this interview. Rey, say something for yourself.

Misterio: Kane, you think you’ve broken my spirit? Well guess what? I may be small, and I may have been you’re victim, but I’m always the underdog! And you know what they say about underdogs, Kane? They usually end up losers. Wait…no….

Grisham: Sorry, Rey, we’re all out of time.

Then Tough Enough Jessie flies in and takes out Grisham with a heart punch for not taking this show more seriously. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Misterio: It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s about being a victim! I…It’s time I stand up to you, even though I’m a good deal shorter than you! Er…It’s not about wins or losses, it’s how chivalrous you are whilst playing the game!

Tough Enough Jessie: You’re so cute! WAAAAAAAAH!

Elsewhere, Miz and John Morrison are wandering out towards the ring. Why? I have no idea.

(ads)

Miz and Morrison vs. Rey Misterio and Evan Bourne

Oh, Ok. They’re out here for TNA. Good to know. Miz and Morrison pose while Rey and Evan do backflips in the corner. Sadly, Miz and Morrison don’t point on their hands to what part of the Palace of Wisdom they’re from. Finally, Rey flips in the general direction of M&M, and knocks Morrison over, which happens in slow motion, so it’s kind of badass. Then, Evan Bourne turns heel by punching WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan and then turns face again by helping Rey hit the 619 and then hitting a Shooting Star Press for the win. Afterwards, Sting shows up with a baseball bat and sings “Desert Rose.” Then he hits himself.

Kane shows up on the TitanTron and asks Rey if he can buy a Kane Luchadore Mask to add a little heat for their feud.

Elsewhere, Randy Orton is walking around. He’s not wearing a sling this week, which is too bad because that was the best part of his return.

(ads)

Now, Randy’s in the ring. Lay it on me, Ranky!

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and forger holder of the ZZZ Girl’s Headyweight Chocolate Chip! Last night, I kickered MC Hunk right in the heads, and I didn’t not even get a title math out of the deal! Instead, Chip Jello dressed up as his breast fiend Hunk and stolered my title right out from uncle me! I’m going to bead them both up until I get my typo back!

Cody Rhodes: Randy, we beat up CM Punk last night. Me and Ted and this Savage here.

The Savage: Dude, my name is Frank. I’m from Pennsylvania.

Rhodes: That’s not very exciting. Come up with a new name quick so you sound really badass.

Frank the Savage: All right, I’m going to call myself Manu, then.

Ted DiBiase: After that flopping basketball player? Great. That’ll be awesome when WWE refs start calling fouls.

Orton: Cleanly, you have some tissues that need to be reswathed. We can talk at a later rate.

Then, Orton slaps Ted, because…Who the hell wouldn’t. Even if you’re Randy Orton.

(ads)

Manu and The Tough Guys vs. Kofi Kingston and Cryme Tyme

Manu and The Tough Guys is either the best band or the best TV series that I haven’t created yet. Look for the fall premier on NBC. The announcers question the dance moves of everyone involved. I want to see Kofi doing the Thunder Clap on Dancing with the Stars next season. He’d be a bigger hit than My Darling Stacy was! What the hell ever happened to her anyway? I like Manu because he clearly has no idea how “Samoan” he’s supposed to be. Like, less than Not Jamal but more than Jamal. He’s already my favorite member of his stable, though. Manu takes a hard charge in the lane from Shad, drawing the foul. He sinks both his free throws for the win.

(ads)

Are you old enough to remember when Ric Flair beat up people that weren’t cops? WWE 24/7 is!

Santino Marella (w/ Beth Phoenix) vs. Abe Orton
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Kenji Fukui: The Honkameter is up to 3 this week! He’s already surpassed The Mountie on the list of worst Intercontinental Champions of all time.

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Actually, I don’t think the Mountie was that bad. Especially when he glued himself to Mantaur and chased Rob Van Dam around the country.

Rob Van Dam: Yeah! All right!!

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Tonight’s secret ingredient is apparently really horrible wrestling. Whose idea was it to bring Abe out of mothballs anyway?

Hatori: It was mine, actually. I was kind of hoping the two of you would fall asleep and I could run off with Fukui’s mom.

Fukui: Would you stop it? Seriously!

Hatori: What? She’s hot! Don’t you think your mom is hot?

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: What? What is it?!

Ohta: ….

Fukui: AGH! GO AHEAD!

Ohta: Well geez, if you’re going to be that way about it, maybe I won’t tell you what just happened.

Fukui: I’m sorry. All right? Go ahead.

Ohta: Santino won with a roll-up. Hatori and I are going out to the strip club where your mom works. Later, yo.

Fukui: Oh, that’s it! I quit! Again. Sigh.

RVD: Dude, this is like, my favorite segment ever. Yeah! All right!!

Backstage….

Kelly Kelly Kelly: …And that’s how we won the War of 1812!

Mike Adamle: That’s…fascinating, Carly. Say, did my announcers just quit?

Kelly: Hell if I know. Why does everybody want to talk to me, anyway?

Adamle: Just shut up and justify your paycheck. Hey! Chad Ochocinco! Just the man I was looking for! Do you still have that CP Munk costume?

Jericho: Yeah…why?

Adamle: CHIKARA needs it back.

Jericho: How the hell do you know CHIKARA, but you don’t even kn-

Adamle: Shut up. It’s wrestlin’ time. Serious business.

Jericho: I hate you.

Adamle: Kelly, what can you tell me about reciprocity?

Kelly: Reciprocity is a mutual exchange of priv-

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Give me back my DICTIONARY!

(ads)

Chris Jericho vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

Kelly Kelly Kelly and Manu are out on commentary, and it’s far more informative than you would think. Not about the match, mind you, but about life, the universe, and everything. Jericho curls up into a ball from the start, while Dave pages through his dictionary trying to find the meaning of the word “Fear.”

Mike Adamle: Yeah, this match kind of sucks. Let’s try something a little different.

(ads)

Chris Jericho and John Bradshaw Layfield vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

HaHA! Bradshaw’s going to have to earn his paycheck tonight! For some reason, Jericho’s actually wrestling now. I realize it’s serious business, but the guy has some nasty looking cuts all over his side and back. He should get some tape for those or something. Anyway, JBL and Jericho beat on The Tista for a while, until Dave learns that fear is a “reverential state of awe.” Neither guy strikes him as very awesome, so he punches them both in the kidneys. Just as he’s about to hit the OSPREY BOMB TO JERICHO, though, JBL unleashes the Mamajuana Mist (+3 vs. Leviathans) and Jericho rolls Dave up for the win. After the match, Lance Cade comes out to request a title match, but in his confusion, Dave hits the OSPREY BOMB TO LANCE CADE! Then he punches JBL’s kidney again for good measure. Realizing that this brawling has devolved past the point of Serious Business, Chris Jericho excuses himself from the proceedings to go fluff his hair.

Next Week: How will RAW go forward without an announce team?! Plus, CM Punk takes on Chris Jericho in a Steel Cage Match! I guess Randy’s kicks just aren’t what they used to be. Also, Charlie Haas dresses like Mae Young.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
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PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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