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RAW SATIRE    
Face Punching? Only if Joey Says It's OK... 

September 24, 2008

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Shawn Michaels challenged Chris Jericho to hurt his arm even more. Also, The Tista and Beth Phoenix started the World’s Most Literate Feud. Also, Kane challenged Rey Misterio to a mask-off. Countdown to Evan Bourne getting a training mask begins…TONIGHT!
 
(Opening Credits)

Chris Jericho’s sitting on a ladder, surely as a symbol of how ratings are climbing with him as champion! No? Is it indicative of how he’s risen over the glass ceiling? Hmm…that can’t be it. Ok, I give up.

Chris Jericho: So, apparently, I’m going to be in a ladder match at No Mercy. That doesn’t sound dangerous at all. Sadly, I fully expect that we’ll have blown the Iron Man Match by Armoire Gettin’ too. But maybe we could have Robert Downey Jr. come in and ref that. I’ll see if he’s at the next VH1 thing. Seriously though, being champion is a lot more boring than I remember. Is it always like this?

Randy Orton: Chad Jello, get down from that lantern right this movement! You could fall and hork yourself!

Jericho: If I fall over, don’t you win?

Orton: Yeah, but save it for the typo match, buckle! This is the 800,000 webisode of Monkey Nitro, so I thought it was dude for an appearance from former holster of the WWE Hedgeyweight Chocolate Chip, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy! I am currencely approaching the red cord for most broken shouldsters!

Jericho: Is that the only reason you came out here, Randy? To talk about yourself? Because I’ve kind of got a segment going on here. I’m talking about Shawn Michaels on top of a ladder. That’s serious business. I was going to talk about how honest I’ve been throughout my career, and how much of an ass Shawn Michaels has been.

Orton: Yes, Mr. Jello, that’s prettily much all I’ve have gotten to say.

Jericho: Ok, well your theme music sucks. I’m out. Later.

Orton: Well, Chad, you’re stupidly! I’m going to have more chocolate chips than you have years in your car’s ear!

Jericho: If you don’t constantly get injured, I suppose that’s probably true.

Orton starts crying. While he’s wiping his sorrows away on the ladder, CM Punk runs down to the ring and constantly touches Orton’s shoulder until Randy starts to beg off.

Mike Adamle: Stop it! STOP! Ranky Morgan is a fragile piece of china, and he can’t be damaged! Mr. Munk, I’m afraid I’m going to have to suspend you for this. Also, I think that lip ring is a uniform code violation.

Here Comes the Moneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey! SHANE DANCE!

Shane McMahon: Yo yo yo yo yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo! Unsuspended! Booyah! You can’t blame CM Punk for wanting to beat the crap out of Randy Orton. Everybody wants to do that.

Orton: Even you, Shawn-o Mad?

Shane: Especially me. Hell, it’s everything I can do just to keep from punching you in the shoulder right now. But I’m afraid if I did that, it would mean that I’d have to hang out with Mike Adamle for longer than I already have to.

Adamle: That’s a fate I don’t wish on anyone!

Shane: So instead, I’ll just help everybody forget what a mess this segment was by doing Adamle’s job for him and then I‘ll dance around. Tonight, CM Punk taking on Cody Rhodes!

CM Punk: Hahahaha! Seriously? Awesome.

Shane: And Chris Jericho and John Bradshaw Layfield versus “Dave” Batista “Davidson” and Shawn Michaels!

Adamle: Those sure are matches.

Then Shane dances around.

(ads)

CM Punk vs. Cody Rhodes

Somebody play Punk’s music again so we can pretend like we still give a crap about him! Cody doesn’t come to the ring with the rest of Manu and the Tough Guys for some reason, but I’ve got a meeting with WWE Head Writer Freddie Prinz Jr. about turning that into a series next week. Cody slips out of the GTS and bails, which I think is pretty funny. It’s like…Come on, dude. You’re still Cody Rhodes. Poor CM Punk looks kind of depressed. Wait, is that lip piercing a violation of the uniform code? Why wouldn’t Cody just try to yank it out?

(ads)

Punk locks in maybe the worst ankle lock in history out of the break. Worse than when Shawn Michaels used to do it. Hell, even Angle had a pretty crappy ankle lock for a while. But Punk is basically just standing there and holding Cody’s foot. Somehow, Rhodes manages to escape that, but ends up getting wrapped into a GTS anyway for the pin. Manu and the Tough Guys run out afterwards to try to get some shots in on CM, but Kofi Kingston is there for the save. What does a guy from Jamaica have in common with a guy who hates drugs? Besides the fact that they can’t dance?

(ads)

Hey, it’s the Cincinnati Bengals! I don’t think being associated with WWE is going to help you guys win any games. Sorry!

Backstage….

Mike Adamle: Wow, so RAW has kind of sucked with me as the General Manager, huh?

Shane McMahon: Don’t be so hard on yourself. RAW hasn’t not sucked for years. Hasn’t…not…Yeah. Anyway, it’s not your fault. At least not entirely. What I mean to say is that you suck, but you suck pretty much on equal terms with everyone else on this show for the last seven to ten years.

Ultimo Dragon: Eeeeeeveryone?

Shane: Sigh…everyone except Triple H, that is!

Dragon: He sure is Dragonriffic!

Kane: Hey, guys! I’m really happy about my match with Evan Bourne tonight, mostly because I have no idea who that is, so he must be some kind of jobber right?

Adamle: Pretty much, yeah.

Kane: But I want another match with Rey Misterio. Mostly to pad out my PPV check.

Adamle: Granted!

Shane: See how easy it is to be GM?

Kane: Oh, and Shane? Will you come get your mom? As cool as I thought it would be to have a pet zombie to piledrive every once in a while, I’m getting really sick of hearing the Wrestlemania theme every time she shambles into the house.

Shane: Sure thing.

Adamle: Your mom is a zombie?!

Shane: Yeah. Well, you see…You know what? Forget it. Go look it up on Wikipedia if you care so much.

Elsewhere….

Kelly Kelly Kelly: …and that’s why it’s called “The Battle of Little Bighorn.”

Tough Enough Jessie: You think you’re soooo cool walking around backstage, and engaging in intelligent conversation with everyone. Well, I’ve got news for you, Missy-

Kelly: It’s Kelly, actually.

T.E. Jessie: Missy Kelliot! NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION! Ok?! So why don’t you pack up your veneers and get the hell out of my prime standin’ spot! I’m supposed to be the one randomly bumping into people back here. Not your dumb ass.

Kelly: Whatevs. Hey, Santino and Beth!

Beth Phoenix: Well, if it isn’t Kelly Kelly! What offensive maneuvers do you have planned for tonight? Are you going to dance at me?

Kelly: Haha! That’s a good one. Because I’m not a very good wrestler or dancer!

Santino Marella: Kelly-a Kelly-a Kelly-a, even I could-a beat you-a in a match-a! Without The Tista-a by your-a side, you are-a nothing but a skinny-a blonde girl-a with veneers-a!

T.E. Jessie: Quit stealing my jokes!!!

Marella: Ok, then-a I’ll do-a this!

Santino does the “Pretend I have a Gatling Gun Dance.”

Kofi Kingston: Hey, man, can you show me that hot new move?

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: That is my DANCE!

Marella: What does-a everyone think-a about my-a new mask-a?! I’m-a gonna start-a a feud with-a Kane!

Beth: That’s a good feud for you, honey. He’s even worse off than you right now!

(ads)

Santino Marella vs. Deuce Shade
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

All this time off and the best Deuce can do is to come back as Deuce?! Aw man. His dad must be so disappointed. The HonkaMeter is up to 5 this week, which I think means there’s a significant risk of skin cancer. Deuce gets all the offense at first, which is probably the only offense he’s had since he broke up with Domino. But at least he still has a job. Ey! Santino hits Deuce with a roll-up (THAT’S HIS MOVE!) for the win. Poor Deuce. After the match, Santino talks about how much he loves Beth and then, twenty minutes later, she walks out and they cuddle. Best segment ever? Yes.

Backstage, Rey Misterio asks Evan Bourne who he is.

(ads)

Evan Bourne vs. Kane

Evan Bourne might just have the worst music in WWE right now. Seriously, it’s like a lame version of London and Kendrick’s old lame theme. Bourne does some backflips, but to no avail as Kane pretty much just punches him and then hits the Chokeslam for the win. Afterwards, Kane just hasn’t had enough jobber beating for one day, so he goes for another attack. Rey Misterio comes out to protect his…uh…new best friend? But Kane just punts him into the third row. This…is the best booked feud in WWE right now. Which is sad in every way but the fact that we need more Kane.

Backstage…

Jamie Noble: Why come nobody wants to be in segments with Jamie Noble no more?

Shane McMahon: Yeah…I’m not really sure either. I mean, some stupid redneck who hasn’t had a meaningful feud in…ever? Who wouldn’t want to hang out with you all day?

Noble: Exactly! That’s what I mean! Hey…Wait a minute!

Dolph Ziggler: Hi. I’m Dolph!

Shane and Jamie ignore Dolph, who heads off to find somebody else to introduce himself to.

Randy Orton: Shawn Michaels! Exactly whom I wishered to find! What’s the deal, Shawn?! I thought we were breast fiends! Thor Gemutation Sugar Stars! You should’ve have suspendered CP Munk and giftered me the WOO Girl’s Typo match at No Marcy!

Shane: Randy, first off, I’m a fourth generation superstar. Secondly, you and I are not, nor will we ever be, best friends. I don’t even like your smarmy ass. Now step off before I break your shoulder again.

Orton: You got it, Shawn-o! Do you want to go drunking on Friedegg Night?

(ads)

Beth Phoenix (w/ Santino Marella) vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly

This is the greatest women’s match in the history of our great sport. Kelly opens with some backflips. Who does she think she is? Whoever that ECW guy from earlier? Sadly, Beth goads her into a discussion about the benefits of the Jurist system, which allows Ms. Phoenix to load up her spiked hair and go for the OBJECTION! to Kelly. It misses, however, and Kelly gets a roll-up (That’s Her Move!) for the win. Afterwards, Santino goes after Kelly for stealing his finisher, but Dave comes out of nowhere with a Spear to take him out. The Tista smiles on his way back out because he’s a total asshole.

(ads)

Miz and Morrison vs. Cryme Tyme

Apparently, this has been a burning issue all over WWE.com? Is Joey Styles booking RAW now or something? Seriously though, I haven’t been to WWE.com in about five years, so I had no idea people even had issues there. It does give me a great idea for a match where I get to punch Rick Scaia in the head for an hour, though. Book it, Joey! Actually, at least part of that last sentence was a lie, because I knew that Miz and Morrison had an Internet show, which is a pretty sad state of affairs for those guys. Seriously. I have my own Internet show. So…basically, I’m the equivalent of all four of these guys, but I look a better in that fedora.

(ads)

Did the announcers just refer to Cryme Tyme as the “Blingling Brothers?” That’s…either hilarious or awful. I can’t even tell which one it is. Somebody tell me if that’s supposed to be amusing. I’m pretty sure that Miz and Morrison are just happy to be feuding with these guys instead of Jesse and Festus. Or worse yet, R-Truth! Morrison kicks Shad in the head for the win. Well, that was anti-climactic. But seeing as I didn’t even know Cryme Tyme had their own Internet show, totally expected.

(ads)

Backstage….

Chris Jericho: Man, I hate JBL almost as much as Batista hates Shawn Michaels.

Mike Adamle: Wait, what now?

Jericho: Yeah. Because he retired Ric Flair? Come on. That blood feud just ended a few months ago.

Adamle: I had no idea! Who is Ray Fair?

Lance Cade: Never mind. We have an idea to how we can change the main event to put over the heels.

Jericho: What are you even doing here?

Cade: Sigh…I’m leaving, I’m leaving.

Elsewhere….

Charlie Haas: Who better to randomly appear at some Dave and Busters, therefore ensuring their continued sponsorship for at least another week or so? That’s right! Charlie Haas. But instead of being Charlie Haas this week, I’m going to celebrate WWE Home Video’s latest DVD release. That’s right. “Mr. Perfect” Chuck Haasig.

A video montage of Charlie Haas hitting on waitresses, getting drunk on airplanes, and spitting gum at Virgil airs. Well, that was pretty cool!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Get out of my RESTAURANT!

(ads)

Chris Jericho, Lance Cade, and John Bradshaw Layfield vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” and Shawn Michaels

That’s some fast car The Tista must drive. Do you think he calls it the “Davemobile?” Anyway, as you can see, Chris Jericho somehow thought that having Lance Cade on his team would improve his chances of winning somehow, which…I’m not sure Chris is even trying at this point. Wrestling may be serious business, but that’s no excuse not to help your stupid friend get a paycheck! Anyway, things work out pretty much exactly as you’d expect, with the heels working some eye based offense on Shawn and confusing Dave with shiny baubles to start. Finally, JBL and Batista bail because they both hate their partners, and, while HBK slips out of a Code Breaker, he ends up falling victim to Lance Cade’s…Whatever it is that Lance Cade does (THAT’S HIS MOVE!) for the win. Shawn Michaels looks like he’s ready to die now.

Next Week: Lance Cade beats the crap out of Mike Adamle and appoints himself General Manager of RAW. Dolph Zigler introduces himself to some guy in the wrong arena, to hilarious results. Also, Randy Orton talks for another twenty minutes about what he would be doing right now if he weren’t too busy talking.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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