Powered by LiquidWeb Search all of OO for news, columnists, and articles about your favorites!
News  -/-  Recaps  -/-  Columns  -/-  Features  -/-  Reference  -/-  Archives  -/-  Interact  -/-  Site Info

Donate to Online Onslaught!
     Daily Onslaught
     Obtuse Angle
     RAW Satire
     The Broad

     Inside the Ropes
     OOld Tyme
         Rasslin' Revue
     Title Wave
Crashing the

     Smarky Awards
     Big in Japan
     Guest Columnists
     2 Out of 3 Falls
     Devil's Due
     The Ring
     The Little Things
SK Rants
The Mac Files
     Sq'd Circle Jerk
     RAW vs. SD!:
         Brand Battle
     Cheap Heat 
     Year in Review
     Monday Wars
     Road to WM 

     Title Histories
     Real Names
     PPV Results
     Smart Glossary
     Message Boards
     Live Chat 
     OO History

If you attend a live show, or have any other news for us, just send an e-mail to this address!  We'd also love to hear from you if you've got suggestions or complaints about the site...  let us have it!

Reporting Live and In Person from
The Alternate RAWniverse 

October 1, 2008

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: RAW celebrated its 800th Episode by taking a little snooze. Hey! When 800 Episodes you reach, look as good you will not! Eh? Also, people talked for about 800 hours about nothing, and then CM Punk girl slapped Randy Orton. Also, Shane McMahon pranced around. Who will prance around…TONIGHT?!

Hey! I was at this show! Live! You can almost see me on TV in this one part, but then you totally can’t! So, tonight I’ll actually be able to give you some insight into what happened during the show. Or maybe I won’t. I spent half the night trying to identify the referees by their haircuts, after all.

(Not Opening Credits)

Lillian Garcia has an entrance video. I don’t know why you need to know this, but you do. It’s of vital importance. She sings the National Anthem very well, and then does a little fist pump while the crowd chants U-S-A. Vladamir Koslov should’ve punked her out right there. Unless they’re saving that for Wrestlemania. As…opposed to before a random RAW, I guess.

D’Lo Brown vs. Dolph Ziggler

This is what we “in the biz” like to call a “Dark Match.” I don’t know if D’Lo should be offended by that or not. D’Lo’s crazy over in Minnesota though. Dolph has an entrance video too, but it’s mostly of him just staring off into space and smiling. There was no Spirit Squad footage they could steal? And I think he stole Evan Bourne’s current entrance music, which has to be awkward. Dolph introduces himself to the crowd. Then he introduces himself to D’Lo. That’s his move!

Lillian advises the crowd to scream real loud. She does not, however, say the secret word. (Pudding…AAAAAAH!) I may have been on TV at this point, which is sad and disconcerting. You don’t want your 15 minutes of fame to be during the ad break right before Ice T shoots a serial killer on Law and Order, you know?

(Opening Credits)

“Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. Santino Marella (w/ Beth Phoenix)

All right! Live Honk-a-Meter! He’s only a year and change away from winning! Thankfully, we’re fast approaching the time of year when WWE forgets it even has an Intercontinental Title! Beth Phoenix refuses to sing my copy of her new manga. Bitch. Anyway, Santino displays, via a graph, that The Tista has the functional brain capacity of an awfully slow goat, and Dave proudly proclaims that his head weighs eight pounds. Then he hits the OSPREY BOMB TO SANTINO~! for the win. I can’t believe I’m missing Heroes for this. Beth gets onto the apron to sign Dave’s copy of her new manga (BITCH!), but JBL cockblocks him with a Clothesline from Hell. Hahaha! Take that, jerks! Holy crap, you guys! You should see Bradshaw’s boobs live. He could rent those things out for skiing this winter. I wonder if he’s lost enough money now that he’d be open to a business proposal.


Todd Grisham: Do you feel a strange presence here in the arena? Like…a foreboding darkness that threatens to destroy us all?

Shawn Michaels: Todd, I feel like that every day of my life.

Grisham: All right, well, you and Triple H are-

Michaels: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Todd! Who said anything about me and Triple H? It’s me and a mystery partner! Who will it be? OoooOOooOO!

Grisham: It’s Triple H.

Michaels: Maybe it’ll be Hulk Hogan! Or Sean Cold Val Venis! Or Bret “The Hitman” Hart! Did you ever think about that, Todd?

Grisham: No. I didn’t.

Michaels: Or maybe it’ll be the toughest superstar in WWE History, Tough Enough Jessie!

Grisham: But it’s going to be Triple H, right?

Michaels: Yeah.

Tough Enough Jessie: I already put my gear on! WAAAAAAAAAH!

(ads - Hey! Video packages. Awesome. I don’t get enough of these watching RAW at home. Instead of paying attention. I play guess the referee wandering around the stage area. Hi WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton!)

JTG (w/ Shad Gaspard) vs. Mike Mizanin (w/ John Morrison)

This feud is still going on. They’re playing soundless clips from WWE.com on the Titantron for us. At least I don’t have to pretend to listen to them. Cryme Tyme is incredibly popular in the state of Minnesota. The Miz is also, for some reason. Maybe it’s the hat. Yes, it’s probably the hat. Shad and Morrison brawl on the outside, which distracts JTG enough that Miz can hit him with a neck breaker for the win. Man, that move is even tamer in real life. After the match, everybody just kind of files out one after the other, which is always fun to see. I kind of hoped they’d at least give each other the finger or something.


Jamie Knoble: Jillian, do you ever feel like forces are controlling every facet of your life?

Jillian Hall: Jamie, if anybody’s controlling my life, he’s really boring and that’s really depressing.

Knoble: Look, whatever, do you and your boobs want to help me in a match tonight?

Jillian: What in the world would possess you to believe that I would want to tag with you?

Knoble: I’m just working my way through every female in the company. I even got Layla an angle on RAW!

Jillian: Well, as interesting as that might be, I actually already have a match. It was announced on WWE.com. Didn’t you see it?

Knoble: We have a website?!

Dolph Ziggler: Hi. I’m Dolph Ziggler.

Knoble: So?

Ziggler: That’s…all I’ve got. Laters.

Jillian: Was that Spirit Squad Nicky?!

(ads - Todd Grisham hates reading people’s signs during commercial breaks. Hates it. He even blows off Harley Race’s Grandson, who was helpfully holding up a sign that said “Harley Race’s Grandson.” Todd does take the opportunity to grab one particularily sturdy looking sign and behead himself though. Todd Grisham has fallen.)

Katie Lea and Paul Burchill vs. Jamie Knoble and Alexis Laree

Minnesota loves them some Alexis too. William Regal and Layla El come out to watch the match. Why aren’t they paying me to do this too? I could sit onstage and look like a vampire for at least $50 a night less than Regal does. Honestly, I kind of love Katie Lea and Paul. Their matching outfits, their stupid mismatched gloves, their accents. Best couple ever. EVER! The crowd spends the next twenty minutes cheering for Alexis’ ass. Yeah, me too. Woo for girls! Jamie locks in Finisher #351 (Arm-BAR) for the win. I take everything I said about Paul back, because he’s pretty weak. Katie’s still cool though. Yay girls!

(ads - Man, WWE has video packages for everything. Did you know that Smackdown isn’t going to be on The CW anymore? How will we justify our Luke Perry cameos now?!)


Cody Rhodes: Ok, gang, we’re going to figure out this mysterious evil force if it kills us all. I think it’s probably coming from this way.

Ted DiBiase Jr.: Why do you say that?

Cody: Because there’s all kinds of weird, evil red lights over here and another camera down this way.

Manu: Oh yeah, let’s go over and investigate these evil red lights. That’s a really fantastic idea. You guys are really idiots you know that? Second generation superstars my ass.

Cody: Shhh! We’re almost at the red lights! Let me do the talking, Manu. Your Samoan might confuse him.

Manu: Wha-Oh, give me a break. Have I spoken anything but English since I’ve been here?

DiBiase: Shhh!

Rhodes: Evil being, welcome to earth. Please stop controlling our universe and making us do stupid things.

Manu: Uh…I don’t think it’s some mystic force that’s making you stupid.

Kane: He’s right, gentlemen. I don’t believe any mystic force controls my destiny. Especially not an force in this arena. But even if it does, think about it. Wouldn’t it support a little more Kane?

Rhodes: Wait…Kane? What are you doing back here in this dark, evil hallway?

Manu: Are you really that stupid?

Kane: Nah, it’s ok. I’m here filming my hot new show for WWE.com. It’s going to be awesome.

DiBiase: You have your own WWE.com talk show?!

Kane: Of course. Everybody’s got one. Everybody…but you guys I guess. Sorry.

Rhodes: Hey do you want to be our tag team partner tonight?

Kane: Not really.

DiBiase: :Pleeeeeeease?

Kane: Oh, fine. Whatever.

Out on stage, here’s Lance Cade. It’s amazing how little anybody cares. I think the entire arena went up to get popcorn right at this moment.

Lance Cade: Where are you guys going? Aw man! Guys? It’s time for my big promo! Guys! Come back! I promise it won’t suck!

Then I left to get some popcorn. I think he kept talking for a while about how Chris Jericho is awesome and Shawn Michaels is going to lose at No Mercy, but I don’t know. Maybe he talked about how much he misses Trevor Murdoch or something.

(ads - Here’s a video package of celebrity guest appearance son RAW. Sadly, my appearance from that commercial break an hour ago didn’t make the clips. Maybe next year!)

CM Punk, Rey Misterio, Evan Bourne, and Kofi Kingston vs. Manu & The Tough Guys and Kane

If anybody’s screaming out for an Internet TV show it’s Manu and The Tough Guys. Maybe some kind of internet cop drama. Oh man! That’s awesome. Ok, overness check for this match. CM Punk? Over. Rey Misterio? Super over. Evan Bourne? Uh…not so much. Kofi Kingston? Everybody loves the Thunder Clap. Manu and the Tough Guys? Nobody cares. Kane? The most awesome thing ever, apparently. Seriously, that guy has been kicking the head of that six year old for a month now, and everybody still loves him. Kane can do no wrong. The faces all backflip out of the ring while the heels look on in confused terror.


During the break, Kofi wrestled for literally about a tenth of a second before tagging out to Evan Bourne who immediately got put into a ten minute headlock by Cody Rhodes. Well, at least they’re learning something from Randy Orton. Things kind of go crazy go nuts for a little while as everybody just starts kind of hopping around the ring in their opponents’ general directions, then Kofi goes nuts for a few seconds, but Kane ends all this nonsense pretty quickly with a choke slam for the win. That’s why Kane is awesome and you’re not…anybody else in this match.

(ads - Jerry Lawler hosts the “Kiss Cam” which is kind of disappointing. They get two goony looking older people to make out, much to the amused disgust of that bitch Lillian Garcia.)

Mike Adamle is out. Truly, the live moment I’ve been waiting all night for!

Mike Adamle: It’s great to be here in Minnetonka, on this the very eve of UFC No Marcy. And as I promised Crane on his exclusive WWE Talk Show, his match against Rey Misterio on Sunday will be a hair versus mask match. If Rey loses, then Kane gets to take his mask an reveal Rey to be the six years old boy we already know him to be, because we all totally watched WWW back when that was still around. And if Kane loses, then Rey gets to shave him bald!

Randy Orton: Adam Mikely, truly madly, deeply, you hath made an impromptu match! I’m surprised it didn’t come from the very thong of Shawn Michaels himself. But let me make something very clean to you, Adam, I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and vertifyable toward generalization superstud, do not deserve to be teetered like this!

Adam: Ranky! What ever do you mean?

Orton: Last week, on the insistance of Mr. McMichaels, you refused to suspend my arch-nermalsis, CP Munk! That caused me no amount of streps! So I’m here in Metropolis to demote that you take acetone!

John Bradshaw Layfield: Hold on! I have something way more important to discuss than whether or not some injured guy is going to be able to feud with some other guy. Namely, what the hell am I supposed to be doing?! How can my gimmick be “Stock Market Guru” when the stock market just crashed?!

Then Batista comes out from the crowd and Spears him. What a jerk!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I am a JERK!

See what putting him on Iron Chef did? It gave him a major complex! Backstage, Santino is on the phone.

Santino Marella: I’d-a like a large-a stuffed crust-a pepperoni with-a green olives-a and a little-a bit of-a the sausage-a!

Beth Phoenix: HOLD IT! Santino are you ordering food behind my back again?

Marella: No-a! I’m calling-a the gay-a chat line-a! I want-a a little-a of the sausage-a! Eh? Eh-a? You can-a leave it-a by the back-a door! Eh-a?

Beth: Anyway, I’ve got a match now. So I’ll see you later.

Marella: I’ll-a come out there-a with you-a!

Beth: Won’t your pizza get cold?

Marella: Oooh, yes-a! I mean-a…No-a! Of course-a not!

Beth: Just stay back here. Sorry, but you kind of suck.

Marella: Try-a not to get-a injured or-a suspended like-a you always-a do!

(ads - This ad break was consumed almost entire of the crowd commenting on the size of JBL’s boobs as he slooooowly jiggled his way up the ramp.)

Kelly Kelly Kelly and Boobsie McTitsalot vs. Beth Phoenix and Jillian Hall

Sadly, we didn’t get to hear Jillian sing. That pretty much would’ve made my night. The most over person in the match? Kelly. And it wasn’t even close. Nice to see the two girls getting pushed are so popular. I did kind of appreciate Kelly’s bouncing around on the apron. I honestly cannot tell if this commentary that I’m doing right now is a shameless ploy to get Rick to associate that picture of Kelly in her underwear with my column again or not. Boobsie falls asleep on the apron, so Beth rolls through a Kelly pin attempt and drops her on her pretty face for the win. That would’ve been a lot cooler if Beth was strong enough to get Kelly up by herself.

(ads - What, no Extreme Expose dancing? I want my Nitro Girls! Deuce comes to the ring, causing us all to wonder whether or not they can do a dark match in the middle of RAW.)

Deuce vs. The Great Charli (w/ Runjin Singh)

Everybody is in immediate agreement that The Great Charli is pretty much the greatest thing ever. Though, to be totally honest? I thought they missed a golden opportunity trotting Charlie HHHaas out with Shawn Michaels. Haas gets on the mic and makes Runjin translate a lot of fun facts about India. I never knew that curry was nutritious! It always makes me feel like hell. Anyway, Haas tries all his Khali-based offense to limited success (even though he’s wrestling friggin’ Deuce here), so he snaps and whips out some Haas offense (Haasfense?) and picks up the victory after a flying clothesline. It’s the night of horrible finishers! After the match, The real Great Khali comes out to karate chop Haas in the face, but you can kind of tell that he doesn’t actually mean it. The big guy has a heart after all!

(ads - Did they already tape Christmas in Iraq? Because I don‘t remember Jericho on the last one.)

Jericho and Cade are out. Yay! Wait, I mean “Boo!” Jericho is the biggest heel alive, apparently.

Chris Jericho: You know, on Sunday I’m going to be fighting Shawn Michaels in a ladder match, and I don’t know how many of you have been in a ladder match before, but it’s pretty brutal. In fact, I needed a whole bunch of stitches after my ladder match at the Royal Rumble a few years ago against Chr-

Lance Cade: Hey, do you want to see me do some tricks with this ladder? Look at me!

Jericho: No. Not really. What was I talking about a gain?

Cade angrily starts throwing the ladder around the outside of the ring, nearly nailing some drunk dude in the face, which would have been awesome.

Jericho: Right. Well, whatever. The important thing to know is that, Shawn, unlike you I don’t believe in some all powerful mystical force in this arena controlling my destiny. And just to prove how little I think of this mysterious power, I’m going to walk under this ladder!

Chris Jericho walks under the ladder and is immediately assaulted by a gaggle of geese. That’ll teach him to mess with forces unknown.

(ads - During this ad break, I kid you not, Chris Jericho re-performed his entire entrance)

When we come back, Shawn Michaels scrambles backstage to bring out his partner and it’s…TRIPLE H!?! NO WAY!!!

Chris Jericho and Lance Cade vs. Degeneration X

Ok, I’ll be man enough to admit that, even though I knew it was coming, I still marked out like a twelve years old girl when I heard the DX theme. DX is still in “trying to put over Shawn Michaels’ kids” mode, so they’re bumping around like crazy for Cade and barely selling for Jericho. It’s especially cute when Hunter does it for The Brian Kendrick over on that other show. Hunter goes crazy with knees to everybody for a few minutes, but Jericho finally gets a move in (the Codebreaker) to break that up. Then he and Lance pile onto Shawn, which draws a DQ from WWE RAW Referee Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi-Miiiiike Chioda. That was kind of a crap call there, Mike. After the match, Jericho and Cade grab the ladder, but Hunter grabs the sledgehammer, and if you’ve ever played Backyard Stratego, you know that sledgehammer > ladder. He breaks his hand hitting Cade with the hammer, and then Shawn loads up a super kick and a big splash from the top, leaving Jericho to wander up the entrance ramp pondering how much it must suck to be Lance Cade.

After the Show:

Shawn and Hunter posed for a while, and then did their DX schpiel with the requisite hilarious asides from Hunter. Then they pointed at their crotches and spent a half hour hugging every fan within five rows of ringside.

I’m still at the arena waiting for that Rey Misterio/Shawn Michaels vs. Kane/Chris Jericho match they promised me on TV for the past month. I need more Kane.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: So, if Shawn Michaels gets the last say on Lance Cade, does he still job to Jericho? Also, Charlie Haas dresses as Tazz and somehow makes it onto Smackdown’s commentary team. And CM Punk gets to appear behind Jeff Hardy in a backstage segment. We swear we’re still pushing him! See?!


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




All contents are Copyright 1995-2014 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.