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RAW SATIRE    
Adamle > Chioda > Jericho 

October 7, 2008

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: Chris Jericho retained his WWE World Heavyweight Title and gained a set of dentures. Also, “Dave” Batista “Davidson” read a news story about the economy rather than wrestling John Bradshaw Layfield. Also, there was a Women’s Title match. Maybe there will be another one…TONIGHT!
 
(Opening Credits)

Sorry, I don’t know the dark match this week. Assume it was something totally awesome though. Here’s Chris Jericho out to the ring. TOOTHLESS AGRESSION! Sorry. Sorry. Serious business. I know. Jericho’s either got a big bruise on his lip or he’s got some smeared lipstick on there. Somebody get him a wet nap!

 
Chris Jericho: Ugh. Even my bruises have bruises. Whose stupid idea was it to have that match? Anyway, Mike Adamle is on a playdate with Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley tonight, so he couldn’t be here. Which…is really stupid when you think about it. Who the hell schedules a playdate on the only day a guy actually works? Anyway, you’ll remember from the last time that nobody was in charge, that pretty much anybody can come out here and book matches. Well? I’m the first guy out here and I’ve got the World Title, so I’m booking matches. And with that in mind, I’m totally booking Lance Cade against Shawn Michaels. Because that’s how much I hate Lance Cade. Also, a bunch of other random stupid crap. Enjoy your evening.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I want to book MATCHES!

Jericho: Uh…you’re too late, big guy. I called it.

Batista: I want my title MATCH!

Jericho: Aha! But you can’t have it, because I’m booking you in another number one contender’s match! Right here tonight!

Batista: I am a JERK!

OSPREY BOMB TO JERICHO~!

Jericho: Ow. Beating up the General Manager was a pretty stupid move there, guy. Now I’m going to referee your match!

Batista: I made a MISTAKE!

(ads)

Jamie Knoble and Alexis Laree vs. Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix

William Regal and Layla El are at ringside to watch this nonsense. You know, I think maybe that Layla is just looking forward to that Twilight movie. Vampires are so hot right now. Of course, it’s all setting up a quintuple turn later where Jamie and Layla enter Regal’s crypt to slay him, and we realize that even though he’s a vampire, William Regal was just a dude trying to get by like all of us. Santino gets on the mic and makes fun of Seattle for losing the Sonics. Dude, leave them alone. They’ve suffered enough. Why in the hell did Jericho book this match? Anyway, Beth hits Jamie with a gavel, and Santino rolls him up. That’s his move!! Disgusted by his loss, Knoble pulls out a vial of Holy Water, but Regal turns into a bat and flies away.

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Shawn Michaels.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Shawn Michaels, and Shawn, I have to ask you, was it worth it?

Shawn Michaels: How do you mean, Todd?

Grisham: Look at you. You’ve got two bad knees, a bad back, a torn muscle in your arm, and you look like hell. And now you had a ladder match with…Sort of put over Chris Jericho, I guess? And your reward is a match with Lance friggin’ Cade. I mean…Come on, right?

Michaels: Todd, if it’s the last thing I ever do, I’m going to put over Lance Cade until people react to his presence in a match.

Grisham: Well, Shawn, you and I have more in common than I thought, because this interview is the last thing I’ll ever do!

Todd Grisham takes off his glasses and uses the sunset’s last rays to burn himself to a crisp. Todd Grisham has fallen.

William Regal: I hate when that happens!

(ads)

Kofi Kingston (w/ CM Punk) vs. Ted DiBiase Jr. (w/ Cody Rhodes and Manu)

Chris Jericho really sucks at booking matches. Oh well. Thunder Clap from Kofi to start things off. That’s still the only Jamaican dance move I know, dammit. Learn a new move, Kofi! Somehow, I guess Kofi thought CM Punk would be enough to take out two midcarders, which means that he was probably too high to watch Punk’s title reign. There was a time there where I was positive that I could beat Punk and win the World Title. Then I could be booking RAW tonight! Kane matches for everyone! Oh man…Imagine that! A two hour Tommy Dreamer/Kane Iron Man match! Anyway, two guys turns out to be too much (who’d have guessed?) for Punk to handle, and Rhodes distracts Kofi right into a legsweep. DiBiase wins!

(ads)

Backstage….

Chris Jericho: I…can’t even believe I agreed to appear in this segment. As RAW General Manager, I’m appalled at my champion’s, that would be me, conduct.

Randy Orton: I concourse with everythings you said, Chad Jello. Truly this is a disrobing time for Monkey Night WAR! Have no fear, however, for I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WOO Girl’s Headyweight Chocolate Chip am here!

Jericho: That’s pretty much exactly what I’m bitching about, Randy. Listen, I know we don’t get along, but-

Orton: Don’t get a wrong? You’re my breast fiend, Chad!

Jericho: Uh…right. Listen, I’ve got something I want you to do for me….

Orton: What is it?

Jericho: Shh…we’re just trailing off until the camera cuts to something else….

Orton: Oh! Ok!

Jericho: Shhh!

Orton: SHHH!

Hey! Remember John Cena? Well, that jerk Batista dropped him on his head, and then he went to a witchdoctor to have his Zombie Curse removed. Didn’t Sarah Palin do that too? (and in the interest of political fairness: Joe Biden). Anyway, John was told that to remove his voodoo curse, he’d have to fight The Swordmaster of Melee Island. We’ll pick this story up again later.

Meanwhile, Kane and Mark Henry are walking backstage when Dolph Ziggler introduces himself. Curiously, this segment does not end with Dolph Ziggler spending the rest of his life hooked up to a feeding tube. You got off easy, Dolph!

(ads)

Matt Hardy and Rey Misterio vs. Kane and Mark Henry (w/ Tony Atlas)

Every time I see Tony Atlas, I swear that he’s George Foreman come to try to peddle his grills. Don West doesn’t work here anymore, man! And you know what? I think Kane and Mark just felt sorry for Dolph. I mean…He used to be in the Spirit Squad and now he’s stuck with this crap? Spirit Squad Kenny got a better deal. Mark Henry still has awesome music. Academy Award winning music, even! And I’m sorry, but I will never get used to hearing “Matt Hardy, World Champion” even if it is just the ECW Title. That’s just ridiculous.

(ads)

Have I mentioned yet that I don’t know what random booking generator spit this match into Chris Jericho’s lap? Clearly he’s using some sort of formula I’m not aware of. I do appreciate his raising the Kane levels on this show, though. Mark Henry’s beard by the way? Patently ridiculous. Little guy and Captain Boredom take control of the match after the commercials, but that all comes to an end pretty quickly when Henry chucks Rey at Hardy. HA! That’s his move! Kane follows up with a chokeslam for the win.

Backstage, Shawn Michaels is prancing around very slowly.

(ads)

Hey! Baseball fan? No? So you don’t want to watch old baseball references on WWE 24/7? Ugh. Well, there goes THIS month’s clips!

Shawn Michaels vs. Lance Cade

Finally! The match we’ve all been waiting for! No? Just me then? Fine. Jericho doesn’t come out with Cade, because dudes don’t do that for their valets. The wrestle for about ten seconds until Shawn grabs a chair and wails away on Cade for twenty minutes. I don’t suppose they taught that one at the ol’ TWA. I never thought that Spanky would be the only one to come out of that place worth anything. Just goes to show, you put “The” in front of something, and it automatically becomes a million times cooler. Like, “The RAW Satire.” Shawn gets the pin and then resumes wailing away. Nice guy, that Shawn Michaels.

(ads)

Wow, it’s time for some in ring action! Or…an interview.

Jerry “” Lawler: So, it’s November, and do you know what PPV that means?! No, not Survivor Series! Cyber Sunday! And this year, while I’m trying to avoid chatting up Chris Hansen you’ll be spending a bunch of money to text match ideas, and then we’ll run whatever match we were originally planning on anyway! Take, for example, Santino Marella’s match! You’re all totally going to vote for Rowdy Roddy Piper, but we’re going to make him wrestle The Honkey Tonk Man anyway. Because it’ll be totally hilarious. Also, Goldust will play with a dead rat. Now, here’s some other guy.

Runjin Singh: Hey! I’m back on RAW again this week. Even though my client, The Great Khali is on Smackdown, we actually shelled out money to bring Johnny Knoxville to feud with him. Which is ridiculous, but whatever, we’re not going to waste it on Smackdown. A 1.9 rating? Really guys? Anyway, here’s a clip of Khali on Knoxville’s pretend Internet show, right, buddy?

The Great Khali: AAAAAAAAARGGH!

Johnny Knoxville? Really? Is it 1998 already?! Wait, this is some kind of Internet TV Show? Is this on WWE.com? Because if it is, I’m going to be so pissed off. Where’s my WWE.com TV Show? Surely, above all people, I’ve earned one.

Johnny Knoxville: OH MY GOD, BALLS!

The Great Khali: APHNULLAGA! WAWFPTU!

Knoxville: Penis titties! Boobs. I’m almost 40, can you believe I’m getting paid to do this?

Runjin Singh: Honestly? No. The fact that this is an angle frightens and confuses me.

Knoxville: You should’ve seen when I was supposed to headline Summerslam then!

Singh: I don’t even want to know.

Knoxville: Now, I’m going to staple my balls to my face. OW!

Khali: VIVA LA BAM!

Then, for whatever reason, they do the Kiss Cam while Great Khali yells random Punjab slurs at the couples. Then he makes out with Lillian Garcia. Well, I guess, if nothing else, she’s proven in the past that she loves freakishly abnormal looking men.

(ads)

Did they totally steal the ending to Show/Taker from That One Dude/Kimbo Slice? “No! I swear, Vince! This is going to make Undertaker look awesome!”

Jillian Hall vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly

Chris Jericho is a terrible booker. I see that they let Kelly have the rest of Survivor Ashley’s wardrobe. That was nice of them. Miz, Morrison, and Cryme Tyme are all on commentary, and talking at the exact same time. This is either the greatest thing or the worst thing ever. Actually, I can’t understand a thing any of them are saying, so they’re easily the best commentators RAW has ever had. Meanwhile, Kelly Kelly Kelly is somehow having her best match ever. EVER! Not that that’s saying much, but come on. Credit where credit is due, right? Kelly wins with a roll-up (that’s her move!) and Cryme Tyme dances around the ring. Apparently, she’s been classified as “poppin’.”

(ads)

So, then John Cena gave Carla an FU, which has nothing to do with insult sword fighting. Then again, I’m guessing John’s insults would all end with him calling her gay or asking her to choke on “deez nuts,” so maybe this is for the best. Other WWE Superstars comment on how courageous it was for a Zombie to beat up a girl.

Chris Jericho comes out and lets us all know that in addition to being the worst GM RAW has had since Maven, that William Regal and Randy Orton will be wandering around ringside looking for things to do while this match is going on. Well, at least they’re earning their check.

(ads)

John Bradshaw Layfield vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”
For the #1 Contendership for the WWE World Heavyweight Title

So, Regal is the time keeper, which is pretty perfect. The person I want keeping time for me is the man who’ll die if he’s outdoors at certain times of the day. Randy Orton is on commentary, which is…Inexcusable? But he doesn’t say a word, so honestly, he’s probably the best commentator since Miz, Morrison, and Cryme Tyme a few minutes ago. What the hell does Jericho think that Regal and Orton have against Batista? I mean Orton clearly hates Jericho and Chris peed in Regal’s tea once. He clearly hasn’t thought this all the way through. And I think the makeup department was going for “Chris Jericho IS The Joker” with that bruise now that I’ve seen it all night. JBL beats up Batista for a while, thanks to some Jericho trickery, but Dave eventually gets a Spear on both guys. And Dave may be a big dumb oaf, but even he knows that hitting a referee who hates you, in a number one contender’s match, is probably not the best idea. Thankfully the The Tista, Mike Adamle runs out with WWE RAW Referee Mi-Mi-Mi-Miiiiike Chioda who counts a pinfall while Jericho‘s KOed. Dave wins!

Mike Adamle: I don’t know who booked the show tonight, but that was really awful. Thankfully, UFC has an upcoming pay per view, Cybertronday, that will allow UFC fans to prove how much better at my job they are than me! So what do you say? Who will be the special guest referee for The Manwich The Tista’s match against Chad Ochocinco? Will it be Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy? How about Michael Shawns? Or “Stone Cloud” Steve Awesome? Or maybe Mr. Blues Jack Doan? The choice…is ours! But you can vote too!

Next Week: It’s the Satireversary! There’ll be cake! Plus, Chris Jericho takes on WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan. And Shawn Michaels finally stops hitting Lance Cade with that chair. But only so he can take a bathroom break, then he’s right back to it!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
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RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
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RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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