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RAW SATIRE    
Satireversary XI: The Undiscovered Cake 

October 14, 2008

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Chris Jericho took over the show, and wound up booking two women’s matches and some of the worst segments ever. EVER! Lance Cade, truly destined to be one of RAW’s greatest heels, was hit with a chair by Shawn Michaels. Also, everybody was talking about Cyber Sunday. What crappy Pay Per View will they be talking about…TONIGHT?!
 
Backstage…

Triple H: Who wants cake?

Chris Jericho: No! No, no, no! Who said you could be here?

Mike Adamle: I did! Apparently it’s a big holiday here at UFC! The Sad Tire Victory!

HHH: Actually, Mike, it’s Satireversary.

Shawn Michaels: What does that even mean?! Is it some kind of Pagan holiday?

 
Jericho: That’s a good question. You know, I’m gone for years, and I come back and we’re still celebrating this made up holiday that nobody knows what it is.

HHH: God, will you people just shut up and eat some cake? I knew I should’ve stayed home to celebrate the Satireversary with Nibblins.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: The cake is a LIE!

HHH: No! For serious this year! We didn’t even put it in a briefcase.

Randy Orton: Then what’s in my breed cage?

Rob Van Dam: Nobody looked for me in here! I made it through airport security! Yeah! All right!!

Adamle: I still…don’t get it. Chad, tell me a story about the meaning of Sad Tire Victory.

Jericho: I’ll do you one better and tell you a story about an actual holiday.

(Opening Credits)

Backstage….

Chris Jericho: So no, Christopher Columbus did not discover America. That’s just a common myth. All Columbus did was cruise the Caribbean for a while and give everybody small pox.

Mike Adamle: I’m honestly shocked that Carly Carly wasn’t the one to tell me about this, Chad. Shocked.

Jericho: Oh geez. Look. The show just started! Hey, give me your phone. I want to call Shane and Stephanie.

Adamle: I’m afraid Shawn and Stella turn their phones off during the show, Chad.

Jericho: Um…Mike?

Adamle: Yes?

Jericho: We all know that’s a crock of crap. As many times as we’ve seen people call them, including you, and how many times we’ve seen them call other people during the show, I can honestly say that I know that their cell phones are definitely on right now.

Adamle: Why don’t you just say what you want to say right now?

Jericho: Because I also know that neither Shane nor Stephanie have ever bothered to watch this show.

Adamle: Touche, Mr. Jericho.

Jericho leaves Adamle’s office, nearly running over Alexis Laree and Jamie Knoble on his way out to the ring. You know, I wonder how Alexis feels about being demoted from “relationship with John Cena” to “Jamie Knoble’s mixed tag parter.” Oh well. Jericho storms to the ring.

Jericho: Ok, guys? I know most of you won’t bother, but for those people stupid enough to vote for the referee in my match against The Tista on Cyber Sunday, please, please, please just kick me in the balls instead of voting. Shawn Michaels hates me because, even though I helped his wife out with some free cosmetic surgery, I ended up getting Lance Cade fired when he was trying to get him over, Steve Austin has hated me for years, ever since he had to put me over during that stupid nWo feud. And Randy Orton hates me, pretty much just because he’s a giant douche. But any way you slice it, I’m going to lose. And do you really want a Dave Davidson title reign on your heads?

Shawn Michaels: Chris, as much as I’d love for you to get your way, get kicked in the balls by a couple thousand people and then job the belt out to somebody cooler, namely me, down the road, I can’t. You see, I will never forgive you for causing me to lose nearly ten years of effort trying to get Lance Cade over for your own selfish gains.

Jericho: Shawn, you hated Lance Cade nearly as much as I do. And you were the one that hit him 18 times in the face with a chair. Don’t you project your personal guilt onto me.

Shawn: Uh…Chris, I’m going to do what John McCain and Barack Obama only wish they could do!

Jericho: Have sex with Sarah Palin?

Shawn: Yes! I mean, no!

Jericho: It’s too bad I’m Canadian, because I have more forei-

Then Shawn Michaels takes Jericho down with a flurry of punches. Oh man, I hope they do that at the debate! Obama has the clear length advantage, but I think McCain could box Barack’s ears. I have $50 that says Palin hits McCain with a hockey stick for a SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Jericho: That’s it! You’re going to wrestle Batista tonight!

Shawn: Adamle’s here tonight! Who said you could still make matches?!

Jericho: Shhhhh!

(ads)

Rey Misterio and Matt Hardy vs. Kane and Mark Henry (w/ Tony Atlas)

Who wants to buy a grill? Sorry. Remember when Mark used Rey as an offensive weapon last week? Hilarious! Ok, so for Cyber Sunday, Kane/Misterio IX (Electric Bugaloo) will either be a Falls Count Anywhere, No Holds Barred, or Two out of Three Falls. Wow. Booooring. What happened to crazy match rules? Buried Alive! Inferno match! Or Coal Miner’s Glove! I hope the people who vote go for “No Holds Barred” because neither guy knows any holds anyway. As if to prove my point, Kane punts Rey across the ring for the win. The Dallas Cowboys immediately tender him an offer.

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with The Tista.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Batista. And Dave, I’ve got to ask, what do you think of Chris Jericho making a match with you versus Shawn Michaels right here tonight?

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Shawn Michaels beat up Ric FLAIR!

Grisham: Come on. Aren’t you over that by now?

Batista: He was the only one who UNDERSTOOD!

Grisham: So are you excited for your match at Cyber Sunday?

Batista: I hope we play Lemonade STAND!

(ads)

John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Haas Hogan

They can still milk this with Hollywood Haas Hogan and Mr. Amerihaas. Charlie Haas must seriously be the most happy guy on the roster right now. JBL tries to tell us all about how much money he’s going to be making thanks to the economic buyout, but I think everybody’s too distracted by the camera cut to Nancy O’Dell. She loves her some Charlie Haas, I guess. Charlie Haases up and goes for the Legdrop, but JBL counters with a Clothesline from hell for the finish. Haas manages to lose less hair during this segment than the real Hogan would have.

Now, Todd Grisham is out! Oh, man! Todd Grisham is doing run ins now! Oh, wait, he’s just here to talk to Johnny Knoxville.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here…again…and I’m standing by with Johnny Knoxville, Chris Pontius, and some other dude.

Other Dude: Nah, I’m not with them. I’m just standing to get on TV! WOO! Hi, mom! I’m on Jackass or whatever!

Johnny Knoxville: Yeah, hi. When I signed that contract to make an appearance last year, I guess I didn’t think I’d have to do interviews. Do you have a juniors division still? Where’s Super Porky?

Grisham: No. We fired them all. Even Super Porky.

Knoxville: Aw.

Grisham: Now what about your feud with The Great…You know what? Who cares? Happy Satireversary everyone!!!

Todd Grisham fires himself out of a cannon into a giant stapler which staples his balls to his throat, choking himself to death. Todd Grisham has fallen.

(ads)

Hey, remember John Cena? Edge does, and he seems pretty nonplussed about it. There’s a pretty awesome exchange where Triple H pretty much says that everybody hates John Cena, so we should all go ahead and boo him. Boo!

Randy Orton has made it onstage. Take pride in your small victories, Randy!

Randy Orton: It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy! And after watchering that video, I am insipid! The tragic stormy of Joe Cedar, former holster of the Skinnin’ World Chocolate Chip reminds me a lot of my shelf. I feeler his plain! Also, don’t vote for me to repartee at Satire Monday! I want to sleep in that week! Happy Satanvortexily, every bloody!

Backstage, The Tista is having a piece of cake. Save some for me, you bastard!

(ads)

“Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. Shawn Michaels

Chris Jericho declares this as a Lumberjack match before things get started. Then all the heels from RAW and ECW come out so they can get a shot in at these two, I guess? I don’t know what Jericho thinks Chavo Guerrero has against either of these two, but whatever. Anyway, this procession of dudes is taking way too long.

(ads)

Woah, Cody Rhodes is totally earning his paycheck here, staring off into the crowd. Maybe he’s looking for the one guy with a “Manu and The Tough Guys” sign so he can go up there and shake his hand. Wait…That’s Mike Knox?! I thought they hired back the one Highlander for some reason. The bald one was useless! Anyway, it’s a competitive match for about ten seconds, and then they take turns trying to throw each other out of the ring at the random assortment of Internet Heat rejects. This is not how I wanted to spend my Satireversary, I’ll tell you that. Mark Henry gives Shawn a friendly hug.

(ads)

I think Mark misses Lance Cade too. Any word on whether or not Garrison Cade was fired too? That guy was a real blue chipper. Anyway, there’s about fifteen seconds more of match after the break, and then things get all crazy go nuts when the lumber jacks get sick of being forced to watch this show and rush the ring. Please don’t do that, actual fans. Shawn hits JBL with a Superkick and Batista spears Mizzark, and this match is a wash. Afterwards, Shawn and Batista share a handshake. It’s a Satireversary Miracle!

(ads)

Santino and Beth are out.

Santino Marella: I am-a out here-a to celebrate-a the Satireversary-a or, as-a we call-a it in Italy-a, St. Bulldog’s-a Day! That’s-a right! We brought-a the cake-a! And here’s-a very special-a Honk-a-Meter-a! I’m only-a a year-a away! And at Cyber-a Sunday, I might face-a the Honky Donkey Man-a! Or maybe Cousin Jimmy’s-a friend, Rodney the Piper-a! Or Black Rein-a! I hope-a he doesn’t bring-a his rat-a!

Johnny Knoxville: Is this show going to get better any time soon? Because I’ve got a flight to somewhere much more interesting to catch.

Santino: In a word-a? No.

Knoxville: You know, I can’t believe I lowered myself to be here. That’s right. Lowered. I’m best known for shooting myself in the crotch and taping pubes to my face, but I’ve really hit the bottom of the barrel by agreeing to come on RAW. Screw RAW, screw WWE, and screw your stupid “Satireversary.”

Beth Phoenix: OBJECTION!

Beth nails him with a gavel and then sort of slowly drops him right on the back of his neck. Ow. You’d think a guy who has been hit in the balls by just about anything you could think of to hit yourself in the balls with would be more used to violence. Suddenly, Hornswoggle appears and hits the Tadpole Splash through the cake onto Knoxville. NOO! Not my cake!

Chris Pontius hits the ring (where’s security?) too, and he tries to help Knoxville, but it turns out that Big Dick Johnson was hiding in the cake! SHOCKING (AND KIND OF GROSS) SWERVE! The rub some frosting into each other’s nipples, which might constitute legal marriage in the state of California. Then WWE Chief Baker Dr. The Boogeyman is out and he is pissed. I mean, you don’t just go frogsplashing a guy’s Satireversary cake like that. Dick excuses himself, and Boogey sees Pontius in the midst of the cake, giving him the wrong idea. That? Is a mouthful of worms. On second thought…I didn’t really need a piece of sweaty fat guy worm cake. I had that at my cousin’s wedding.

Johnny Knoxville: Well, this was an interesting segment anyway. Hey, did I ever tell you guys about the time that The Rock and I were in a movie? Ha! That means I’m way more awesome than any of you. I mean, who else can claim to be in a movie with The Rock?

Hey! It’s The Great Khali! Next time, check IMDB better, dude. Khali basically just comes out and drops Knoxville on his head and leaves. Heh. Keep trying to paralyze him, guys!

Backstage, Cryme Tyme and Kelly Kelly Kelly are rifling through people’s personal effects.

Shad Gaspard: Man, remember when we used to be aligned with John Cena? What ever happened to that?

JTG: Shut up, dude. I’d rather be hooked up with Kelly here than that no good whitey.

Shad: Even if you have to sit through women’s matches?

JTG: Even…Ooooh…Good point!

Kelly Kelly Kelly: Geez! I’m right here, you guys!

JTG: I know, sweetie. Hey, this segment has gone on for a little while, why hasn’t Dolph Ziggler accosted us, yet?

Shad: Tell me you did not just use the word “accosted.”

Kelly: He got suspended. So, guys, would you like to hear the true story of Columbus Day?

JTG: Nah. Chris Jericho already told us that.

Kelly: Really? Wow. Ok. Who wants to hear about the origins of the Satireversary?

Cryme Tyme: Not us!

(ads)

Mike Mizanin, John Morrison and Jillian Hall vs. Cryme Tyme and Kelly Kelly

Look! It’s RAW’s best announce team to date! Jillian starts things off by singing happy birthday to the Satire, which is always nice. Thanks for giving back, Jillian! JTG is wearing a Mighty Ducks Halloween mask, which I’ll also take as a shout out to me, because my aunt was in one of those movies. And I went to high school with somebody who was in Grumpier Old Men. This is pretty much the extent of my connection to Hollywood. They’re not even the Mighty Ducks anymore, are they? They’re just the Ducks. RAW has quite enough Ducks, thank you. We need some more Kanes though, if you know any. Anyway, Cryme Tyme and Kelly win. Good for them. Even if they don’t respect the proud and storied tradition of Satireversary.

(ads)

Chris Jericho is walking around and…Oops? Is that it?

(ads)

Chris Jericho vs. CM Punk

With Special Guest Referee “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! How perfect is it that Dave gets to go with anybody in WWE to punish Jericho, and this is the best he can come up with?

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I choose you CM PUNK!

CM Punk: Are you sure, because there’s tons of guys…Mark Henry, Triple H-

Batista: SHH! I am READING!

I mean, even if he is the guest referee. It’s…still CM Punk. Maybe this is Dave’s Satireversary present to Jericho. Anyway, the match itself is pretty back and forth, as you might think, but Dave’s obviously calling the match in favor of Punk, as you might think. Dave’s like our Ed Houchuli. And just because I know it bothers Rick that I haven’t mentioned it, I just saw Dave’s appearance on Iron Chef America. And I’m still not going to mention it! Bwhahahaha! Dave gets a piece of Morrison’s glitter in his eye, and can’t count the three for Jericho. When Chris takes issue with Dave not treating wrestling like Serious Business (tm), Dave hits the OSPREY BOMB TO JERICHO! Because he’s a JERK! Punk wins!

Next Week: Dave hits the OSPREY BOMB TO SOME RETIRED NAVAL VETERANS~! Plus, Shawn Michaels learns to deal with life without Lance Cade. Also, Johnny Knoxville accidentally shows up to a TNA show and hilarity ensues when they try to convince him that Sonjay Dutt is the Great Khali!

 

 

After the show….

Triple H: Another year, another ruined cake. This is the seventh time, you guys.

Randy Orton: Don’t go bladdering it on us, Hunker! You were in charles of it this year!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Why do we have to FIGHT?!

Ric Flair: Pass the potatoes! WOOO!

Batista: You came BACK!

Flair: I came back to plug my new shoot tape! Buy it today and watch me shoot on that no good asshole Tully Blanchard! SHOOT ON ME! I’VE ALREADY SHOT! SHOOT ON ME?! I’VE ALREADY SHOT! Styleandprofileand-

HHH whacks Flair with the potato spoon.

Flair: WOO!

HHH: See? This is nice. Like family. I…I love you guys.

Batista: I love you TOO!

Flair: I love you! WOO!

Randy Orton: I loaf you, Jewel!

Shawn Michaels: I don’t not hate any of you.

The Great Khali: AAAARCGGHHPP!

Chris Jericho: This whole group frightens and confuses me.

Shane McMahon: YoYoYoYoYo! What’d I miss? My cell phone is off and I missed the whole show!

Mike Adamle: Shane, you missed the magic of the Satireversary. Carly Carly told me all about it.

Shane: Satireversary? Booyah! Hand me some cake!

HHH: Yeah, about that….

WWE Chief Baker Dr. The Boogeyman: I’m WWE Chief Baker Dr. The Boogeyman, and I’m coming to BAKE FOR YOOOOOOOU!

Batista: The Satireversary is SAVED!

Rob Van Dam: Yeah! All right!!

Tommy Dreamer: God bless us, every one.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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