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The RAW at the End of the Universe! 

November 15, 2008

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: Three friggin’ hours, man. Three hours. Chrius Jeuricho won the World Heavyweight title much to the surprise of pretty much everybody ever. EVER! Wait, that one doesn’t make sense. Anyway, also Shaune McMauhon came out and did a dance. It was pretty awesome.

(Opening Credits)

Hey! It’s TheTiusta!

“Dauve” Bautista “Dauvidson”: I am in ENGLAND! I like fish and CHIPS! Now I want my belt BACK! It was pretty SHINY!

But wait! On the TitanTron! It’s Stephanie McMahon! Who is apparently coming to us from the janitor’s closet in Stamford.

Stephaunie McMauhon: Ok, shhh, I’m not supposed to be here, but I’ve stolen this camera and I’m going to pretend to be GM of RAW tonight. Which I wouldn’t have to do, but Miuke Adaumle quit on us like a little baby because nobody was rolling around in a big metal ball on RAW. Also, because I’m kind of a bitch.

Bautista: Get to the POINT! I want to play CRICKET!

Stephaunie: Ok, look. You’re not getting your rematch. Not for a month anyway. Jouhn Ceuna has dibs. Also, I’m really sick of all the feuds on RAW. What’s with all these storylines anyway? Forget PPVs, though. We’re going to blow all this off right here in a random match on a random English RAW. So, it’s going to be Reuy Misteurio versus Kaune for the one millionth, and last, time. Also, Shauwn Michauels will be having a Last Man Standing match, to end that feud everybody thought would still be going on at Wrestlemania next year. Yeah. Sorry about that.

Batista: What about ME?!

Raundy Ortoun: The Toaster, I, Raunky Q. Mourgan, Legend Kill Guy, would profoundly wrestle you! After all, we were in Restitution together, and are therefrom breast of fiends!

Bautista: Is this the best I can GET?

Ortoun: Yeah.

Bautista: That is very DEPRESSING!

Those Brits love them some Raundy Ortoun.


Sauntino Maurella (w/ Beuth Phoeunix) vs. Williaum Regaul
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

So, yeah. This is a match. For some reason, Sauntino and Regaul are both over in England. I don’t think these guys understand the concept of heels. I’m sure they’d get a kick out of TNA, though. I guess I don’t blame them for liking Regal, because he’s from the same general geographic area as them. Regal wins the Intercontinental Title in about ten seconds with a knee to the face. Well…That’s pretty much all I’ve got to say about that. Huh. So much for all that Sauntino posturing and Hounk-a-Meters and whatnot. It truly is a NEW DAY FOR WCW! I MEAN TNA! I MEAN WHATEVER ONE THIS IS~!

Williaum Regaul: I’m proud to represent my country by carrying this belt that everyone, including me, will forget that I have in two weeks, until I lose it to Jaumie Knouble at a house show in some bar in Alabama.



Kaune: I cannot believe Roun Pauul lost. It’s just a travesty. Maybe I’ll stay over here in England. You guys still use the gold standard or whatever right?

Sheulton Benjaumin: Yeah! Ain’t no stoppin’ me-

Kaune: Shut up. So, hey! I’m wrestling Reuy. Again. That’s…Great. Just what I needed. I can’t get enough of this match, where one guy is really big and the other is really small. Pretty awesome. Look, I’m really hungry. Is there a place to get a decent burger in this country?

Sheulton: Well there’s Mc-

Kaune: I said decent burger.

Sheulton: Then no.

Kane: Damn. I guess I’ll have to have some of these…”Chips.”

Sheulton: NAH!

D’Lou Brouwn vs. Miuke Knoux

Miuke Knoux? Really, guys? This is your solution on how to fix RAW? Seriously, though. Miuke Knoux. Let that roll around in your brain for a few minutes, and I think you’ll see the problem with that. I do think D’Lou should keep that name when he comes back Stateside, though. I havn’t met a D’Lou I didn’t like. Or one that I did like, for that matter. Knoux hits the Knoux Out (I can’t believe that’s actually the name of it!) for the win. After the match, D’Lou just lays on the mat and cries. Can we get a stretcher out here for him, please?

Hey! You know Wrestlemania? Well, people still like to go to that one.

Meanwhile, backstage….

Sauinto Maurella: I don’t-a understand why-a they add-a the Us to every-a word in this-a country.

Beuth Phoeunix: Yeah. I have an OBJECTION! to that too.

Sauntino: So I called-a Shaune-O-Mac to bitch-a about my losing-a the Intercontinental-a Title with little-a or no payoff-a.

Beuth: And what did he say?

Sauntino: He-a yelled at-a me for waking-a him up and put-a you in a match-a against Aleuxis Lauree. Apparently-a, it’s a whole-a different time zone-a over there-a.

Beuth: But it’s actually later here tha-

Sauntino: Shut up-a you face-a!



Hey! Remember when Jouhn Ceuna got drafted to RAW, and we were all hoping that being on the A-Show would make him entertaining again? Yeah, whatever happened with that?


Chrius Jeruicho: Wow, I never remembered John Cena sucking that much. Not even when he got me kicked off of RAW and I cried and tried to hump Eriuc Bichouff’s leg. Not my finest moment, let me tell you. Actually, that kind of brings up a good point. Why am I losing to this guy again? I mean, sure he’s “over” by whatever arbitrary standard of “overness” we’re using right now, but every male over 4 hates him. I mean, everybody loves me. I’m the only one around here with the decency to treat wrestling like serious business. Ugh. I guess I’ll just have to hold out hope that Freuddie Priunze forgets which one of us is supposed to win again. Hey, it worked with Michaeuls and Bautista!

Elsewhere, Reuy Misteurio is trying, unsuccessfully, to gain entry to a pub.


Reuy Misteurio vs. Kane
In a No Disqualification Match for the Last Time. No! We Swear This Time

Poor little guy! I bet Hournswaggle has been inside a pub! The one thing England clearly needed more of was Kaune, so it’s good that he made this trip. Hey, wasn’t this feud supposed to be about Kaune taking Reuy’s mask? Or something? I forget. I guess it really doesn’t matter, but if this is supposed to bring me closure, I’d like to be reminded of what exactly it’s supposed to be closing. I guess they don’t have enough time in a two hour show to recap the whole feud. They should’ve done the three hour show this week. Reuy does a backflip into somebody’s shepherd’s pie.


That ad for Smackdown vs. RAW bothers me for some reason. Maybe because I think Triuple H probably really could win a match with Keully Keully Keully as his partner. I wonder how Stephaunie feels about that. Or Niubblins. I think I just chipped my tooth, which is honestly more pressing than this match. Stupid fries. Oops. I mean “chips,” sorry. A lot of this Satire has been food related, hasn’t it? Sorry, that’s all I know about British people. BBC America isn’t very educational. I’ve made the whole country into one continuous loop of Keuira Kniughtley, Jouhn Cleeus, and Gourdon Raumsey. And for that, I apologize. Ok, not really. Reuy kicks Kaune’s head into the turnbuckle bolt for the win. That’s as fitting an end to this feud as any.


Coudy Rhoudes: Did you just think that we’d forget about what you did to Teud DiBiause? Did you?

Raundy Ortoun: Honorably? Yeah. I doubt even remembered what I did to Toudd!

Rhoudes: You kicked him in the head! He’s in the hospital with a concussion because of you, Raundy!

Manuu: Can I just interject and say that I didn’t care?

Rhoudes: Yeah? Well what are we going to do with all these leftover Manuu and The Touugh Guuys T-Shirts and tour jackets?

Ortoun: Those are preening cool, Mouby.

Manuu: Well, I guess we’ll just have to find another Touugh Guuy, won’t we?

Touugh Enouugh Jeussie: What about a Touugh Giurl?

Rhoudes: Don’t be ridiculous.


Manuu: I really, really wish they would’ve kept me in FCW.

Ortoun: FCW almost won the Monkey Night Warps! Except they stucked!

Coudy slaps Ortoun.

Rhoudes: My dad was in FCW! Er…Wait….


Raundy Ortoun vs. “Dauve” Bautista “Dauvidson”

But wait!

Coudy Rhoudes: Apparently, now they’re worried we won’t have any matches left over for any upcoming PPVs, so I’m out here to job to Bautista. I mean “Challenge Bautista.”

“Dauve” Bautista “Dauvidson”: I don not know who you ARE!

“Dauve” Bautista “Dauvidson” vs. Coudy Rhoudes (w/ Manuu and Raundy Ortoun)

I’m already calling this my Match of the Year. It’s just too bad I forgot to vote in the RSPW awards again this year. Oh well. Just pretend I voted Coudy Rhoudes “Wrestler of the Year.” Wait…The voting ends December 1st for that. Never mind then. I will have to remember to vote this Match of the Year next year though. Coudy punches Dauve in the knee and then Bautista frowns and hits the OSPREY BOMB TO COUDY~! for the win. After the match, Dauve takes exception to Manuu watching on in apathy, so he gets a SPEAR TO MANUU~! Ortoun napped through this whole thing, but that’s ok, because The Tiusta understands the importance of an occasional nap.


Aleuxis Lauree vs. Beuth Phoeunix (w/ Sauntino Maurella)
For the WWE Women’s Title

I think Aleuxis won the rights to this match by dressing up like Laura Crouft at Cyber Sunday. Laura Crouft is British, you see, and…Oh never mind. Where’s Kautie Leau Buurchill anyway? Or Pauul Buurchill, for that matter. And don’t you dare say “Internet Heat.” You know how much I loved that show. Not that I ever actually watched it. All I’m saying is that it’s about time some native Brit got ridiculed in his or her home country, isn’t it? Anyway, Sauntino smacks Aleuxis’ head against the ringpost, and Beuth picks up a win. Then they do a little dance. Aw! I like it when daddy and mommy aren’t fighting. I don’t think Sauntino wants to get a divorce anyway. I hear Beuth knows a good lawyer.


Shauwn Michaels vs. Chr-


Shauwn Michaeuls vs. Chrius Jeuricho
In a Last Man Standing Match for the Last…Oh You Know the Drill

Way to screw me up there, guys. So, I watched Chrius Jeruicho’s show Redemption Song yesterday (no, you may not ask me why). And mixed in with your usual band of strippers with hearts of gold and over-privileged Coasties, was a woman with the greatest gimmick of all time. She was the Keytar player for the band Coubra Staurship (they did the title track for Snakes on a Plane) until she got kicked out for stalking the lead singer. Isn’t that something you wish you could put on your resume? The show sucks by the way. I’d give it another shot if they brought in Shauwn Michaeuls and Stephaun Bauldwin as smarmy life counselors, though.


So I thought Shauwn was over the whole wife-punching thing. No? Good to know, I guess. Jeuricho tries to hit Shauwn with a ladder, but HBK reverses field, and ends up with a DX splash off the top through Jeuricho and the table. I think the crotch chop really sold how mad he was. That’s some Riuc Flaiur Retirement Match level emotions. Suddenly, Jouhn Braudshow Lauyfield pops out of the crowd in a neck brace (for some reason) and punches Shauwn in the face. And then hits him with a steel chair. Then with two steel chairs. Then he runs over him with one of those double-decker buses. AHA! I do know something else about England! Or at least…portions of London. Anyway, Shauwn’s not getting up anytime soon. Jericho wins!


Next Week: Chrius Jeuricho gets another improbable win, making his inevitable loss to John Cena even more inevitable. Plus, CM Puunk decides to show up to work. And don’t be surprised if they sneak in another Reuy/Kaune match, just to mess with you.


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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