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Oh My Gottfried~!~!~! 

December 11, 2008

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: Chris Jericho won the opportunity to get some Armoires. Also, he formed Team Jericho, which was pretty much just him and a couple other guys who hate him. Also, apparently Shawn Michaels went broke within the past couple days? I guess? Will he still be broke…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Hey! It’s time for the Slammys! Wasn’t this supposed to be its own special? Quit trying to get in the way of the storylines, guys! Next thing you tell me there’s going to be another Christmas in Iraq. What? Really? Oh. Anyway, here’s Maria and Festus.

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella): Were’ here to present the award for tag team of the year. I don’t know about you, Festus, but I think my breasts should win the award for tag team of the year!

Festus: ….

Maria: Ha ha! Right you are, Festus! You know, I just want to get real for a minute. Nobody deserves to win Tag Team of the Year. There weren’t any tag teams at all this year, except Manu and the Tough Guys and Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang. But whatever. The winner is….

Festus: ….!

John Morrison: I’d like to thank everybody for this Slammy award. In the proud tradition started by Owen Hart back before most of you were born, I’m going to carry this thing around to all my matches and hit people on the head with it. I’m going to shut up now and pose in slow motion while I cry.


Morrison: Dude. Settle the hell down, would you? I’m trying to pose cry back here and you’re ruining my flow.

The Miz: Sorry. I never thought I’d win an Emmy. This is such a wonderful moment for me.

Morrison: Uh…Slammy, dude. We won a Slammy.

The Miz: What the hell is a “Slammy?”

John Morrison vs. CM Punk
In an Intercontinental Title Tournament Match

Convenient that Morrison was already out here, eh? It’s too bad he’s not having a feud for the ages with William Regal, or he’d actually have a chance at winning this match. Miz and Morrison also won a Slammy for “Best TV Show on WWE.com,” earlier tonight at the Scientific and Technical Awards dinner earlier tonight. I hear they got Gilbert Gottfried to MC. Did you know he was still alive? They never did give me my Slammy or a vote, by the way. Pretty classless, guys. Regal and Layla are watching this match backstage with…vague interest. Punk lands on his ankle outside the ring. Ouch.


You know what? I’d pay just about anything for RAW’s commentary team to be Gilbert Gottfried and Joey Styles for just one night. Think about that for a minute. Awesome, right? Either that or Gilbert and Rhonda Shear. The WWE Universe is UP all night! I wonder how many people have stopped reading here and gone to check the WWE website for video of the Scientific and Technical portion. It’s not there, sorry. Nobody cares who the best camera man is! WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan won for Best Referee, which was well deserved though. I think Punk just said “I’m flying” doing a move off the top, which is either the best or worst thing ever. Morrison tries a roll-up, but Punk kicks him in the face and shoots into a GTS for the win. Match of the night so far.


Todd Grisham: How in the hell did I win the Slammy for “Least Depressing Character in a Supporting Role.” That’s…stupid. And highly selective.

John Cena: Todd, winning a Slammy is all about Hustle, Loyalty and Respect. Three things which you show by not being depressing on our shows ever. And hey! You won for “Best Commentary Team” too!

Grisham: But that makes sense, because Matt Striker and I really are the best commentary team.

Cena: Of course you are, big guy. Of course you are.

Grisham: No. You know what? You’re not going to ruin my one moment of glory. Screw you, John Cena! I hope Chris Jericho breaks your neck again!

Todd Grisham bashes himself with the Slammy. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Cena: You see that, Chris Jericho? Hustle. Loyalty. Respect. These are all words. I’m sorry your son is a John Cena fan, and wants to buy John Cena wall clings and body wash (available at WWEShop.com, but you know what? My dog is a Chris Jericho fan. That’s right, for my dog, wrestling is serious business. He wears a suit and tie whenever he watches the show, and he stops licking his ass long enough to watch everything but the women’s matches. In any event, I’m pretty much just going to tell you that I’m going to find you and punch you later tonight. Try to act surprised though. Laters.

Tough Enough Jessie: “Least Depressing Character,” huh? Yoink.


Another Slammy! It’s…Best Finisher? Aw man. This is just like that “Best Foreign Short Cartoon” crap they make you sit through. Did they at least get Natalie Portman to present or something? Nope. It’s Boobsie and Cryme Tyme.

Boobsie McTitsalot: Hello,. And welcome to the 2008 Slammys. JTG, Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo. Shad, Yo. Boobsie, I like boobs. And the nominees are.

Shad Gaspard: Hey, J, remember when we had Kim Kardasian at Wrestlemania?

JTG: Hell yeah.

Shad: How in the world did she end up being a better actress than Boobsie?

JTG: Maybe it’s all about the money, money-

Shad: No, I don’t think that’s it.

JTG: I don’t know then. Want to leave?

Shad: Yep.

Boobsie: And the boobs go to…EVAN BOURNE! Unfortunately, Evan Bourne is dead. Here to accept the award is this guy.

Mike Knox: MIKE KNOX!

Randy Orton: Ever Bored? My Cocks? Really, OOW Juniorverse? Cleverly, the best finishing in WWW belongs to I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the BWO Girl’s Chocolate Chip. The Fallen Over is the only moved good enough to beat all the Sugar Stars this year! And with that, I’m naming by new Staple. DESTINY~! I mean Lemony! Deslemony!


Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Montel Vontavious Charlie

Oh, Charlie Haas. Is there anybody who you can’t impersonate. Wait! Don’t answer that or you’ll get fired. MVP whines about his losing streak to start. Maybe don’t yell at the drug testing people next time. Geez. He also tries to start a fight with Philadelphia Philly Jimmy Rollins, who gets way too much camera time for a guy who was gifted front row seats. Who does he think he is? Hat Guy? Anyway, MVP starts off with his normal moveset and Charlie Haas counters with the exact same moveset, and the crowd goes nuts. If there’s anything a Philly crowd loves, it’s second rate knockoffs of other guys. Haas wins with a roll-up. THAT’S HIS MOVE! Ballin’!


Extreme Moment of the Year?! Please be Vince’s desperation Million Dollar Grab bag! Please be Vince’s desperation Million Dollar Grab bag! Why are Matt Hardy and Some Blonde Girl doing this award?

In a box…

Tommy Dreamer: Guys! I’ve got this one! Guys?

Ok, back to Matt and the other one.

Matt Hardy: Tiffany, do you even talk?

Tiffany: No.

Matt: Fine. Then I don’t have to give this award out to who it says on the card. Who’s going to complain? So the winner is my brother, Jeff!

Oh man! Pushing Daisies got robbed! No Zombie Paint for Jeff, huh? Maybe Jericho’s allergic?


Jeff Hardy vs. Chris Jericho

This ma-


AHEM…At least let me get a sentence out before you cut me off, show. Man, I lost where I was going with that too. It was a sure-fire, awesome, twelve page diatribe that would’ve been totally Wikipedia referable. Whatever. Now I’m just frustrated by this match. Also by the fact that, tonight, we’ve got Cole and Lawler on commentary, and J.R. and Tazz, but Cole and Lawler haven’t let the other two say a word. And why isn’t Matt Striker out there? He’s the commentator of the year! Jericho goes for the Liontamer, but Jeff rolls out, much to the dismay of the ten people in the arena who immediately turned to the people behind them and said, “That was the <I>Liontamer</I>, not the Walls of Jericho. The way he <I>should</I> do it.” To which the ten year olds responded, “WOOO! JEFF HARVEY!” Jericho with a Codebreaker out of nowhere for the win. That’s not even his move! His move is the <I>Liontamer</I>, you guys! Totally.

Backstage, Manu and The Other Guys are walking out of Stephanie McMahon’s office.

Manu: Man, I thought you said she’d be here.

Randy Orton: Well it is a three whore long show, maybe she’s talking a nap.

Cody Rhodes: Yeah, I can barely stay awake for…wait, what did you just say?


And now for couple of the year, here are Kelly Kelly Kelly and Kane. Couple of the year! Kelly’s always looked like she could use a little more Kane. Wait, how are Finlay and Hornswoggle up for this award. That’s…Disturbing. Isn’t that supposed to be his kid?

Kelly Kelly Kelly: Wow Kane, the Slammy for “Relationship” of the year. This seems like the award Maria and Festus should’ve given out.

Kane: Are you saying you don’t want to couple with me, Kelly?

Kelly: That’s not it at all. Actually, I have a thing for malformed men who play with fire. Witness my relationship with Balls Mahoney.

Kane: Yes, yes. I vaguely remember something like that!

Kelly: Did you know, Kane, that the Slammys were founded in 1986, and winners included Junkyard Dog and Cyndi Lauper? And that we even had sponsors one year? Think about it! This could’ve been the “Motorola Couple of the Year” award!

Kane: Will you have my Chicken Parmesan?

Kelly: Oooh, sorry! Lactose intolerant! And the winner is…Edge and Vickie Guerrero? Really?

Vickie Guerrero: That’s right, bitches! Me! I won! Well, and Edge too. But all he did was grow a scruffy beard and push over my wheel chair, so I’m not sure that counts. So this is going into the Guerrero Hall of Fame between the Gobbledy Gooker Head and Kerwin White’s Golf Bag.

Santino Marella: That’s-a not right-a! We got-a robbed!

Beth Phoenix: Yeah, you don’t even have a clever name!

Santino: Besides-a, you know-a that Edge is going-a to get back with-a Chris Tian when-a he comes back!

Vickie: How dare you!

Santino: I’m-a the fiesty Italian-a!

Beth: OBJECTION! That statement is full of contradictions. You’re not fiesty and you’re barely Italian.

Santino: But I-a do get-a hit in the groin-a!

Beth: Well…That’s true.


Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix vs. Dave Finlay and Hornswoggle

Now look, unlike the state of California, I support a man’s right to marry a leprechaun. That’s none of my business. But when that leprechaun is his pretend wrestling son? That’s just too far. Beth tries to pass a court order to have Hornswoggle bared from the ring and Finlay slaps Santino to start. Too bad this is happening tonight, or it would be the match of the year. Hornswoggle with a DDT on Santino for the win. Really, show? Is that where we’re going with this?

Theodore Long: So now it’s time to give out the award for Diva of the Year! Holla Holla!

Melina: Can I be the Diva of the Year?

Long: Hell no! Who do I look like, Rick Scaia? You’re not cool enough to be Diva of the Year. Buhleedat. And the real winner is!

Melina: My nemesis, Beth Phoenix?! No way!

Beth Phoenix: This is clearly the most deserved award of the night, for at least six different reasons.

Then she and Melina get into a catfight which somehow ends with Santino getting drilled in the crotch with a football. Then, a twenty minute long camera shot of him bent over pretending he’s going to puke. He…He’s gonna PUKE! He’s gonna PUUUUUUUKE! Hey, shut up. We’ve got three hours to kill here.


Now it’s time for the Oh my GOD! Moment of the year. I’ve got money on it being “The Great Khali was actually involved in a good match.”

Alicia Fox: Hi, did you know I dance around on ECW? I’m Extreme!

Joey Styles: That’s not ECW. That’s a farce! A farce of a farce!

Alicia: Pfft. What do you know about ECW? You got fired for being such a crappy announcer! Just say your line.

Styles: OH MY GOD! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go backstage and find somebody to punch.

Alicia: And the winner of this year’s OMG moment-

Styles: It’s “OH MY GOD!”

Alicia: Is…CM Punk? For existing?

CM Punk: Yes! Somehow I haven’t been fired or killed by one of the fifty people I’ve pissed off backstage! And I managed to win a world title despite looking like a shiftless drifter! And hold it for a couple months despite never winning a match while I held the title! And I never even lost it! So in your face, America! I’d just like to thank all my friends out there on My Space, like Tom, T-Boz. Jerry the Geek, Colt Cabana, Colt Cabbage-not to be confused with Colton Cabbage, Colton Cabbage, that duck, Percy, the Williams sisters, Terry in 118, and, of course, last but not least, Billy Two Tones.

Styles: Goodness gracious me!

Kofi Kingston vs. Rey Misterio
In an Intercontinental Title Tournament Match

Kofi barely acknowledges his tag team partner’s presence as he comes out, but I blame that mostly on the fact that the stage set up prevented them from launching his pyro. There’s nothing worse than doing the Thunder Clap for nothing. Kofi won the Slammy for “Shelton of the Year” over Shelton Benjamin earlier. That can’t even be considered an upset any more, can it? Regal and Layla are backstage playing cribbage. Um, I know you’re not having a feud for the ages with these guys or anything, but can you at least pretend to be interested? Misterio comes to the ring, rolls up Kofi for the win and the leaves. Well…Ok, then.


It’s time for match of the year! OH! So many candidates, which one will they choose?!

Eve Torres: No, I don’t know who I am either.

Ken Kennedy: Well everybody knows who I am! I’m MI-

Eve: Wait, didn’t you fix my computer last week?

Kennedy: Yeah. Times are tough. I had to take a second job at Best Buy. That’s why I grew this douchey goatee.

Eve: Ok, then! And the winner is Cryme Tyme vs. The Highlanders from August 11th!

Kennedy: What a memorable contest! Unfortunately, the Highlanders got fired and couldn‘t be here tonight. So we’re giving it to Shawn Michaels and Ric Flair instead.

Shawn Michaels: Wow! This is awesome. How much do you think I could get for this thing on eBay? Like…$20, at least, right? Oh! Maybe it’d be worth more if I melted it down. What’s it made of? Brass? Chocolate? Chocolate is getting pretty expensive these days. I’m keeping this though. Sorry, Naitch, but your shady dealings have cost me all my earnings for the next ten years!

John Bradshaw Leyfield: Ah-ah-ah-ah! Who won that award, Shawn?

Shawn: Sigh…JBL won that award. I hate living in the poor house.

JBL: I’d like to thank Ric Flair for that awesome match we apparently had at Wrestlemania. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go eat this trophy.

Kennedy: TROPHY!


Triple H and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. The Lemony

I kind of hope they don’t have those T-Shirts printed out already. And if they do, is DiBiase on there? Maybe he can be on, like, the back of one of the sleeves crying. I miss Manu and the Tough Guys already. Cody gets the start in this match, which is a little ridiculous. He quickly tags out to Manu, who proves that his most useful skill in WWE is still looking awesome in a leather jacket. Somebody get him Chuck Palumbo’s motorcycle and just have him drive around the parking lot for the whole show.


I would seriously watch that show. You know what? Screw this wrestling show. You want ratings to go back up, WWE? Cancel RAW and replace it with two hours of Manu driving around in the parking lot wearing a leather jacket. Then at the end of the show, Randy Orton and Cody Rhodes come out and high five. That’s Manu and the Tough Guys. I hate having to give these ideas away for free on the Internet, but they stopped taking my phone calls. Hunter and Dave take turns pushing Orton around, but Manu and Rhodes distract them, and Dave slips on an awesome leather jacket and falls over. Orton wins! It really is the birth of Lemony!


Now it’s time for the “Damn Moment of the Year.” Whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. Is the moment itself damned? Is this the Moment of the Damned Award?

Alexis Laree: And now it’s time for the Damn Moment of the year, the award for the weirdest stupidest thing that happened on this show this year. In other words, a moment that makes you say….

Ron Simmons: Why in the hell am I still watching this crap?

Alexis Laree: And the Slammy goes to…

The Great Khali?


Runjin Singh: The Great Khali is terribly disappointed that a gigantic Indian man making out with older white women makes you say “Damn.” In this time of societal change, isn’t it time for the WWE Universe to accept the Great Khali how he is?


Alexis: I’ll make out with you, Khali!

Jillian Hall: I can’t believe I didn’t win a Slammy even though that was my whole gimmick! Oh well! Here’s a song!

Jingle Bells!

Jingle Bells!

Jingle all the way!

Kung Funaki: Hey guys, what’s going on? I know Kung Fu!

Howard Finkle: No you don’t! You’re just wearing some old pajamas.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan: What’s going on out here? Kissing? I’m down! Which one am I supposed to kiss? HOOOOOO!

Sergeant Slaughter: Does that guy have a bigger chin than I do? My career is over!

And Alexis and Khali kiss.

Simmons: You see? This is what I mean.


R-Truth vs. Dolph Ziggler

What’s up? This is kind of hilarious, because I could’ve sworn both these guys got fired. R-Truth apparently won a Slammy for Best Musical Performance, which is how you can tell fans aren’t voting for these. What’s up? On the other hand, I bet that Slammy is probably worth more than the NWA Title nowadays. What’s Up? I did find it kind of interesting that this is the match that J.R. chose to get all indignant about Cole not allowing him to call any matches. Really, J.R.? Is this the match you want to call? What’s up? Dolph kicks Truth outside the ring and runs to the ring to win by count-out. Awesome. Even Tazz is bitching about how nobody knows the rules for count-outs. What’s up?


It’s that time! Time for them to announce the winner of Wrestler of the Year. I’m really hoping they finally honor the contributions of Bam Neely.

Stephanie McMahon: Hey everybody, I just showed up. How much did I miss? Nothing, right? Ok. Great. I’m here to announce the Superstar of the Year. The best, brightest, and most popular WWE Superstar in 2008. Is it going to be Triple H? Maybe John Cena? Come on, it’s not going to be anybody else, and one of those guys is having sex with me. And it isn’t John Cena. Yet. Anyway, your winner is…Chris Jericho?!

Chris Jericho: Hahaha! How hard was it for you to say that? Yeah, I replaced your card with one of my own. Because, let’s face it, I was the best superstar this year. From rebounding from Redemption Song, to padding my stats with two meaningless title runs, to re-debuting the Liontamer and finally treating wrestling like serious business, this truly has been the year of Jericho. And hey! Guess what? I did it all without having to resort to wearing a silly ponytail and calling myself “Y2J!” Best year ever. The only thing that would make it better is if I could beat John Cena and take home some Armoires. It’s not going to happen, but that’s be pretty great.

You know what else is pretty great? APPLE DOUGH!!

John Cena vs. Edge

Jericho hightails it out of there and Edge-


AGH! What the hell did I say earlier? Don’t mess with my flow. Anyway, Jericho left so as not to get beat up by Cena, and Edge still has a weird beard. His beard is weird. Maybe he just needs some Just For Men. Cena basically beats the hell out of Edge for five minutes, which is kind of ridiculous, including getting him locked into the STFU. But then, Chris Jericho runs out and attacks Cena for the DQ. It’s a preemptive strike! “You want to say you’re going to attack me? Take THIS!” Then Triple H runs out and knees Edge in the head, pretty much just because he’s kind of a jerk. What is it about WWE faces that makes them all huge jerks? As if to further prove my point, Jeff Hard runs out and dropkicks Edge in the face. Poor heels.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: It’s a Battle of the Horrible Music Stars, when John Cena and Chris Jericho fight it out for control of the Armoires! Also, The Tista attempts to combat The Lemony all by himself. And CM Punk and Rey Misterio come to blows over a title neither of them really give a crap about.


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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