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RAW SATIRE    
Financial Flashback~! 

December 20, 2008

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: So…Pretty much nothing happened with John Cena and Chris Jericho. And Shawn Michaels is apparently still poor. Look, I know it didn’t happen on this show, but can we talk for a second about Jeff Hardy? I mean, what was up with that?! We probably won’t find out…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Kelly Kelly Kelly and Melina vs. Jillian Hall and Beth Phoenix (w/ Santino Marella)
 

Uh…Is this really what you want to kick off with, show? Really? I love how Beth recoils in terror every time Santino tries to bite her arm now. It’s a little late to be calling him out on that particular fetish, dear. Then again, I’m still pissed off from that time two years ago, when you hooked up with that bitch Iris instead of Maya. What?

Please do not tell me you were interested in play by play on this match. Please. Kelly with a roll-up (that’s her move!) for the win. Afterwards, Kane shows that he and I are on the same wavelength in wondering why the hell they lead off with the women’s match, so he chases them all out of the ring. Needed more Kane about five minutes ago, bro. He offers to give Kelly a hug, though, and I don’t hate him for it. She takes off though, because women are kind of jerks.

(ads)

Backstage….

Kelly Kelly Kelly: Help! Kane is slowly shambling after me!

Jamie Knoble: Do you want I should kick him in the balls?

Kelly: Ew! Jamie Knoble? You’re worse than Kane!

Kane: I’m going to get you! Well…If you stop that is. If you just keep running, I probably won’t catch up.

Kelly smartly decides to hide under a lampshade.

Kane: What an odd lamp! This is perfect though, this hallway could use a little more light. Wait a minute. Kellyyyyy!

Kelly: I knew I should’ve hid behind that lifesized Kelly Kelly Kelly cut out! What do you want?

Kane: I just want to talk to you.

Kelly: Oh. Ok then.

Rey Misterio vs. Sim Snuka

So, yeah. He’s still just Deuce. Sorry, dude. I thought his name was “Jim” anyway? Maybe Lillian got it wrong? It wouldn’t be the first time. See, this is the thing though. Domino wanted to come back apparently as some kind of low rent Internet TV Show host, but that’s so played out right now. He should’ve just told everybody that Jake Roberts was his dad. Who’s going to check that? I bet Jake wouldn’t even know! Anyway, somebody backstage notices that Sim’s bladder score is getting low, so The Lemony (well, Cody and Manu, anyway) makes their way to ringside. Who will they side with? Rey Misterio Jr or The Deuce?! It’s Sim, of course, and he, Manu, and Cody chase Rey off while sharing meaningful glances. I think I liked DiBiase better. Is he even in The Lemony? Rey’s backing out of there, when Mike Knox comes out and declares that he is MIKE KNOX, causing Rey to fall ove in terror. Orton wins!

(ads)

And now, it’s time for DX!

Triple H: Hey! It’s cold out, even in California, so now’s a perfect time to grab a DX Sweatshirt! This thing is, like, paper thin, but it’s got a hood on it. And a big ugly patch that says “WWE” in case you don’t get ridiculed in public enough.

Shawn Michaels: Yeah. I guess. Maybe if somebody bought a billion of them.

HHH: Still down on your luck, Shawn?

Shawn: Yeah. Totally.

HHH: Want me to sell Aurora Borealis and give you the proceeds?

Shawn: No way, Hunter! I’m going to make it on my own! These DX commercials will turn this frown upside down!

HHH: Yeah, except that when you split the profits between you, me, Chyna, X-Pac, Billy Gunn, Road Dogg, Stephanie, and Rick Rude’s estate, you’re only making like…two cents for every shirt we sell.

Shawn: Aw man! I didn’t know those guys were still getting a piece of this action. I hate this merchandise now.

HHH: Well, at least you still get all the profits from this HBearK teddy bear!

Shawn: As seen in The Lord of the Reign epic!

HHH: We…actually can’t talk about that anymore.

Shawn: Why not?

HHH: Because Bris Cenoit was the star of that.

Shawn: Ooooh, right. I was only in, like, ten minutes of that thing. I forgot.

HHH: Yeah. I had to spend four hours on top of a building with Raven and Flair. Not a great day, let me tell you.

Shawn: Raven? I love her show! Did you get her autograph?!

HHH: Err…No…I forgot.

Backstage….

Kelly: -and that’s why Lord Liverpool decided to pull back the British Navy.

Kane: I think I wrestled Lord Liverpool once. Anyway, this isn’t about the War of 1812, Kelly. This is about us. Do you think it’s coincidence that we presented the best couple award last week? We really are the best couple.

Kelly: Are you sure about that? I mean, you haven’t exactly had a lot of success in relationships, you know?

Kane: Listen, it’s…do you like chicken parmesan?

Elsewhere…

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with Randy Orton, and I really don’t want to be.

Randy Orton: Toddster, it is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, former holster of the UPW Headyweight Chocolate Chip, and leader of the Lemony! Last night, I didn’t get any of the armors. Now where will I store my pints?

Grisham: You know what? I’m going to go ahead and leave now.

Orton: You go ahead and lead, Toddster! And tell The Tista that I want my armor!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I was standing to the side the whole TIME!

Orton: The Tista! My normal cyst! I’m walking down to the wing, and I dare you to fallout me!

Batista: I will do THAT!

Orton runs down to the ring, followed closely by Dave. But, shockingly, The Tista is waylaid by Manu and The Tough Guy. What a RUSE~! Just when it looks like it’s all over for Batista, John Cena runs out. And yes, Cena’s presence is enough to scare off The Lemony. Except for Orton, but I don’t think he even really noticed.

(ads)

Backstage…

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Thank you for saving ME!

John Cena: Yo, no problem, Big Dave! I hate The Lemony just as much as anybody. Randy Orton kicked my dad in the head once, you know? He hasn’t been able to do a Jumble since! And you don’t know my dad, but his life isn’t worth living without a Jumble or two!

Batista: I love JUMBLES! And I want your BELT!

Todd Grisham: You guys are taking on the Lemony in a 2-on-3 handicap match tonight. I just thought I’d let you know.

Cena: Do you want to be our tag team partner, Todd?

Grisham: Nope. I have plans for tonight.

Todd Grisham takes a swig of rat poison. Todd Grisham has fallen.

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan vs. Chris Jericho

And that match isn’t going to happen.

Chris Jericho: Hell no. What is this, Internet Heat?

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan: Let’s wrestle, Tough Guy! HOOOOOO!

Jericho: Look, I won a Slammy and am a former three time world champion. I’m not wrestling friggin’ Hacksaw. Wrestling is supposed to be serious business, and there’s nothing serious about this guy’s business. So, I’m going to go ahead and leave.

Hacksaw does that “Everybody’s making fun of me” frown that he makes every few days now. Seriously, how many times is it now that they’ve run the nobody is taking Jim Duggan seriously angle? Even he must be sick of it now.

Meanwhile….

Kelly Kelly Kelly: -which led to the Smoot-Hawley Tariff being enacted in 1930.

Kane: Heh. Smoot. So, hey, are you seeing anybody right now?

Kelly: Who aren’t I seeing? I really had a thing for Punk for a while, Balls Mahoney-

Kane: Wait, really?

Kelly: Uh-huh. Um-

Mike Knox: MIKE KNOX!

Kelly: Oh, yeah! Mike Knox! Teddy Long, Kofi, Val Venis-

Kane puts his head and his hands.

(ads)

Backstage….

Kelly: Do you know Steve the Accountant? Whatever. WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance.

Kane: You know what? I’m going to go.

Kelly: Please, Kane, don’t hurt him!

Kane: Wait…Which one?

Kelly: Err…Marty Alliance.

Kane: I really miss Lita.

CM Punk and Kofi Kingston vs. Miz and Morrison
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

In case you were wondering, apparently Kofi and Punk lost the belts on a house show, which should tell you what WWE thinks of them. Kofi should be used to it though, he is Shelton after all. Miz and Morrison still act like the Slammys are more important than the belts though. Weirdly, I kind of wish they used them like belt dongs like MNM used to do. Wait…Why the hell do I want them to do that? I really hate this show sometimes, you know that? Miz and Morrison bail to regroup, so Kofi throws Punk at them.

(ads)

Kofi is a house afire. You shouldn’t smoke in bed, Kofi! Regal and Layla are out on stage by the way. Even Layla’s dated Kelly. Punk kicks everyone in the head because he’s the one having the Feud for the Ages with Regal, here. This is almost as entertaining as my feud for the ages with Dave Meltzer. Except that Regal actually knows that Punk exists. Morrison hits a neck breaker on Kofi for the win. After the match, Kane runs…er…walk…shambles? Yeah, he shambles out and frowns at everybody. Then he hits a chokeslam and a Tombstone on The Miz. This match needed more Kane, and earlier.

(ads)

Hey, it’s the Pittsburgh Steelers! Don’t you all have a game to prepare for? Hey! It’s JBL!

John Bradshaw Layfield: Some of you have said that it’s hard to believe that Shawn Michaels is in the poorhouse and needs to work for me even though he’s been making seven figures easy for the past couple years and is constantly hovering around the main event. Here’s this video that proves it.

After Wrestlemania….

Shawn Michaels: Man! What an amazing match! I’m sorry your career is over, Naitch, but thanks for the memories.

Ric Flair: WOO! Retire me?! I’m already retired! Retire me?! I’m already retired!

Shawn: Did you see all those people in that crowd? I can’t wait to see that check! Got a lot of bills coming due this month.

Flair: Have you been saving up?

Shawn: Every penny! A few more years and I’ll be set for life! I’ll be able to finally give my back and knees a rest, and not have to worry about the future for Whyspyr and the kids!

Flair: A few years? A few YEARS?! How about months, my friend? Now that my wrestling career is over, I’m branching out! The economy is solid as it’s ever been, so I’m going to start my own financial firm! I’d be honored if you became the first and only customer of Ric Flair Financial, where the most important customer is WOOO!

Shawn: I dunno, Ric. Didn’t you just get tagged for owing, like, $100,000 in back taxes?

Flair: No, that was some other Ric Flair.

Shawn: Ok, I guess I’m in then. I can’t wait to retire! I’ve got so many plans for my life, you know?

Flair: Yeah, I know what having plans is like! Ok, let me introduce you to my five step plan for a better you! First, we’re going to Vegas and laying down $10 million that the Detroit Lions win the Super Bowl this year.

Shawn: The-

Flair: They’re due! Secondly, we’re going to invest heavily in the U.S. housing market. There’s never been a better time to buy! We’ll also be buying stocks in American motor companies. There’s nothing more solid out there than Ford and Chevy, right?

Shawn: I guess?

Flair: Finally, I’m giving whatever’s left over to my good friend John WOO BY GOD McCain! And when he gets elected, we’ll get billions in tax breaks and federal pardons for any crimes we’ve committed!

Shawn: Err…Didn’t you say there were five steps?

Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

Backstage….

Kelly Kelly Kelly: Ok, I’m getting out of here. RAW has been really awful tonight. A women’s match to start? Really?

Boobsie McTitsalot: You know what would make it better? Boobs.

Alexis Laree: Shut up, Boobsie. So, Kelly, aren’t you afraid that Kane will come after you?

Kelly: If I was, would I be sitting here chatting with you two?

Alexis: Good point.

Boobsie: Well then why didn’t you tell us you were dating Miz?

Kelly: Um…first because I hate you, Boobsie. And second because I’m not. Do you know how long I’ve been looking for somebody to finally beat that jerk up for enslaving me back in ECW? I mean, Jesus. Finally.

Alexis: Wow, you really know how to hold a grudge, Kelly.

Kelly: Yeah, well I’ve got the memory of an elephant and occasionally I read my Wikipedia page.

(ads)

Dolph Ziggler vs. Santa Clhaas

Isn’t Santa Clhaas some kind of horrible demon? Whatever. Dolph Ziggler will introduce himself to any demon. I can’t believe they’re blowing Charlie Haas as Santa here instead of at the Tribute to the Troops. Unless Joey Styles was Santa, and him beating up JBL was my present. I asked for clean coal in my stocking, but that’d do. Wait…Is Joey Styles Jewish? Oh whatever. I’ve already gone too far for that joke. The crowd loves Santa, which has to make Haas happy, but Dolph hits him with his move (That’s his move!) for the win. After the match, Dolph tears Haas’ costume apart, while WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance begs Dolph to stop beating up Santa and think of the kids. I can see what Kelly sees in him!

I don’t recognize anybody in Behind Enemy Lines: Columbia except Ken Kennedy, and even that’s kind of a stretch.

(ads)

Backstage…

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan: I’ll never amount to anything.

Shad Gaspard: You’re probably right.

JTG: No, he’s definitely right.

Elsewhere….

Chris Jericho: Does it bother you that Cryme Tyme and John Cena don’t hang out any more? Because that kind of bothers me.

Stephanie McMahon: A little bit, yeah. But what bothers me even more is that you undermined my position! If I want to humiliate you over and over and over again by having you wrestle Jim Duggan, then you damn well better do it. I thought that you would’ve known by now, Chris, that your WWE tenure is pretty much just for my personal amusement.

Jericho: Wait…if you’re here, and Triple H is lurking out by the production truck, who’s at home watching your kids?

Stephanie: Oh no!

In Stamford….

WWE Chief Babysitter Dr. The Boogeyman: I’m WWE Chief Babysitter Dr. The Boogeyman and I’m coming to BABYSIT Yoooooooooou!

Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: *sigh*

Meanwhile….

Cody Rhodes: I’ll tell you what, being a heel isn’t all its cracked up to be. If I’m not getting beaten up by The Tista, I’m getting run off by John Cena. First having to hang out with Bob Holly, now this! I just can’t buy a break.

Manu: Don’t look at me for any sympathy, man. I’m just chillin’ over here in my leather jacket. I’m just waiting for my own VH1 reality show to start happening around me.

Randy Orton: Oh no! The Lemony is failing apart at the steams! I hatched my horse to the wrong dragon!

Cody: This group was your idea!

Orton: This interlude is OVER!

“Da-

(ads)

“Dave” Batista “Davidson” and John Cena vs. The Lemony

You know I hate it when you do that to me, show. Jericho is right, by the way. It kind of bothers me that Cena and Cryme Tyme don’t hang out anymore. What happened there that made them stop being friends? Did Shad and JTG suddenly realize that Cena was killing their street cred? OH! What if he introduced them to Tha Trademarc?! That association would be over right then and there, let me tell you. The show goes into the break with Orton tagging Manu in, which has been the most thrilling thing that’s happened so far.

(ads)

I wonder if Cena’s really mad at these guys because Ted DiBiase stole his roll in The Marine 2: Even Marinier. Mariner? What the hell do you even call that? When an even lower rent version of a wrestler takes over a direct to DVD wrestling movie series? Oh, that’s right. Behind Enemy Lines: Columbia. Seriously though (with all deference to Chris Jericho), who is going to see this movie on NetFlix and say to themselves, “Holy crap! Ted DiBiase is in this movie! I have to see it RIGHT NOW!” Unless they thought it was his dad, maybe?

Lt. Armyface: Sir! Your wife has been kidnapped! Again! For the eleventh time! By Columbian warlord Kolonel Kennedy! And he’s demanding a $10 billion ransom!

The Marine: Every man has a price! Hahahahahahaha!

Lt. Armyface: Sir, have you ever thought about, you know, not taking her to Columbia?

(The Marine kicks the lieutenant’s basketball away right before he dribbles for the tenth time.)

Randy kicks Dave in the head and punches WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda, which is no beating up Santa Claus, but it’s still enough for a DQ. Cena chases them all off, but the damage has already been done. Dave will never do a Jumble again!

Next Week: Defying all expectations, starts on the recovery trail and manages one third of a Jumble. Also, Kelly Kelly Kelly goes on a triple date with Kofi Kingston, Ken Kennedy and Kane or as I like to call them, KKKKKKKK. Also? Shawn Michaels bets the rest of his savings that CM Punk/William Regal wins Feud of the Year at next year’s Slammys.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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