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School of Mike Knox 

January 9, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: Uhh…So I was sick, and then took a little vacation. So…What happened last week? I guess Shawn Michaels was broke still, and he laid down for JBL. Also, people got into the Royal Rumble or something. I’m pretty sure that I’m going to get into the Rumble this year. And I’m going to qualify…TONIGHT!
(Opening Credits)

Hey! It’s Randy Orton and Chris Jericho. Maybe they’re out here to wish us a happy New Year! Aw shucks, you guys! You didn’t have to come out to the ring to do that. I would’ve taken a personal check.


Randy Orton: It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan! Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the USWF Girl’s Chocolatechip. And I’m out here to fish everybody a Harpy New Clear! Here’s to a grape 2099!

Chris Jericho: We didn’t come out here to wish everybody a Happy New Year, Randy. We came out here to bitch about Shawn Michaels taking a dive last week, costing us a chance to win the WWE World Championship at the Royal Rumble.

Orton: The Roller Rumple! Right! I for not all about that!

Jericho: Maybe you should let me do all the talking, Randy. We’re filing a formal protest with Stephanie McMahon, who I can’t tell if she’s a the GM or not, but whatever. I’m sure she’ll listen to common sense.

Orton: Yes, that sounds like Steppenwolf. She lovers you! Maybe you should let me clock to her.

John Bradshaw Layfield: Stephanie hates both of you! Besides, I won the match last week. Tell me you two haven’t ever won a match through stupid circumstances! Didn’t you beat up a midget Goldberg one time, Chris?

Jericho: Heh. Yeah. You know, now that I think of it, I should’ve hired Shawn Michaels with some of that sweet Redemption Song cash I got. His wife and kids love me! Damn you JBL!

Shawn Michaels: The only thing that allows me to sleep at night is the fact that I’m going to win an Emmy for this performance. You can win an Emmy for this, right?

JBL: Totally.

Jericho: I think I won a Cable Ace while I was in WCW….

Michaels: Aw hell, I don’t think they even have those anymore. You told me I’d win awards for this performance, Vince! Now I’m broke and awardless. This is the worst Christmas ever.

Stephanie McMahon: All of you shut up. I’m tired of hearing you talk about the World Title like it’s some kind of world title. It doesn’t even spin!

Jericho: You have legs!

Stephanie: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Jericho: The camera angle…Oh, never mind. What are you going to do about the title situation? You can’t deny that Shawn and JBL were in cahoots.

JBL: Heh. Cahoots.

Shawn: Actually, saying “Cahoots” makes this whole situation a lot more palatable to me.

Jericho: Ok, guys! This is serious business!

Stephanie: Maybe you shouldn’t have said “cahoots” then. Anyway, I’ve got an idea that should appease everyone. Everybody in the ring that isn’t wrestling for the World Title at Royal Rumble? You’re in the Rumble match.

Lillian Garcia: Yay!

JBL: Not so fast, Stephanie! I want Shawn Michaels out of the Rumble Match.

Shawn: But why?

JBL: Because I’m kind of a jerk.

Stephanie: Also, Shawn is teaming with John Cena tonight against Jericho and Orton. Because I’m also kind of a jerk. And also I want to see John Cena kicked in the face.


Goldust and Melina vs. Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix

Hey, look! It’s Rosa Mendes! Who’s that you ask? I have no idea, but I think it’s funny that they’re wasting a front row seat on a fan plant. Beth beats up Melina for a while until Santino tags himself in. His whole head is covered in hair now, he’s like the world’s most adorable Wookie. Goldust is moving a lot more nimbly now than I remember. Maybe he’s really motivated for getting fired in a few months when he gets fired again. Melina rolls up Beth for the win. That’s her…Wait, Melina actually has a move, so I guess it’s just a roll-up. After the match, Rosa jumped the barricade and attacked Melina before being dragged off by security. I miss their big fat bald guy security guard who feuded with Steve Blackman. What ever happened to him? I don’t know if I’m talking about the security guy or Steve Blackman there. Is this really something we want to teach our fans though? Go ahead and jump the barricade if you hate Vladamir Koslov, folks! If you wake up before he leaves, that is.

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with CM Punk.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with CM Punk. And Punk, tonight you get your Intercontinental Title Match against William Regal. That wasn’t really a question so much as a statement.

CM Punk: Todd, tonight is the next step in my epic feud for the ages with William Regal!

Grisham: Your what?

Punk: Feud for the ages, Todd. There will be volumes of DVDs produced on the epicness of this feud.

Grisham: Uh…Yeah. I’ll bet. So, you were a World Champion once, don’t you kind of feel that this is a step down? Like…a huge step down? You can’t be excited about this.

Punk: Hey, man, lots of people have been Intercontinental Champion. Even if it is a step down, it’s an honor to join a list including men like Bret Hart, The Rock, uh…Chyna, A-Train? Oh my God! This is the worst thing ever. What happened to my career?!

Grisham: Yeah, have fun.


CM Punk vs. William Regal (w/ Layla El)

For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Punk looks kind of depressed coming out here. Damn that rascally Todd Grisham! Punk kicks Regal in the knee, so William bails. Truly, this is a feud for the ages. Punk goes for a baseball slide, but Regal pulls Layla in front of him. Surprisingly, Layla actually gets pissed about that. I didn’t think the girl ever got pissed about being pulled into a baseball slide. Regal’s “I’m sorry that I’m not really sorry for trying to kill you.” Regal gets tired of the match, so he punches WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan in the face. That’s a DQ. Way to build that Intercontinental Title Tournament, you guys. I guess the DVD has run its course, so we can all go back to not giving a crap about that belt. Wait, here’s Steffers on the TitanTron.

Stephanie McMahon: Wow, what’d I book that Intercontinental Title tournament for in the first place? Oh well, I’m sure I must have had a reason, so we’re going to have this match again next week. And no getting DQ’d, King Regal, or we’re not giving you your blood for the week!

William Regal: Truly, this is a feud for the ages!



John Bradshaw Layfield: Hey man, do you think you could kick John Cena in the head for $500? $550 if you make his eyes bug out or if he accidentally bites his tongue.

Shawn Michaels: Uh…Make it $1,000 and I’m in. I’m kind of hard up for cash right now. Well…I guess you know that, right?

JBL: A thousand bucks? What the hell happened to all the money I’ve been giving you?

Michaels: Here’s the thing, mirror chaps aren’t cheap.

JBL: You’re blowing $8,000 a week on mirror chaps?! Maybe Ric was doing you a favor….


Randy Orton: Ah, if it isn’t the Lemony! Couchy, Sid, and Moby! I wish I could say I wharfed your matches, but I was too busy building a spine to Karly Karly Karly. Retort!

Sim Snuka: I won my match! Ey! Fuggettaboutit!

Cody Rhodes: Me too. And hey, Sim, you’re not a shiftless 50s drifter anymore. You can come with a new catch phrase.

Snuka: I’m Jimmy Snuka’s son. What the hell is my catch phrase going to be?

Sim Snuka mumbles unintelligibly.

Cody: Take me to tha mothaship if you wheeeeeeel!

Manu: Uh…I lost my match. Sorry, boss.

Orton: Moby, I’m soapy, but you have been eliminatrix.

Manu: What? Because I lost? By that logic you should be kicked out of the group too.

Orton: Maybe so, but I won’t not! Bedsides, my dad can beat up your dad!

Manu: Cowboy Bob? What was his great career accomplishment? Breaking his arm?

Cody: Enough of this fighting! Sim and I have to go get prepared for our match. Manu, man, I’m sorry. But there’s no room for losers in The…uh…”Lemony.”

Manu: Man, screw you guys. Good luck being Manu and the Tough Guys without Manu, bitches.


Dolph Ziggler: Hi, I’m on TV.

Alexis Laree: Get away from me. And tell Kenny I want my Jewel CDs back.

Kofi Kingston: Don’t mind us, we’re just walking through your shot.

Rey Misterio: Why are we walking together if we get separate entrances?

Kofi: One of the great mysteries of life, mon.


Kofi Kingston and Rey Misterio vs. The Miz and Morrison

This is non-title, of course. God forbid they defend their titles. Rey takes, like, a half hour to get to the ring now. He’s like Sandman, except instead of drinking a case of beer and beating himself up, he goes out and hugs little kids in Rey masks. So he’s nothing like Sandman. I do always kind of wonder what he’s saying to these kids. So much so that I want to buy a Rey mask and a front row ticket. He probably can’t see very well with those contacts in, so I can probably pass for a five year old. Though I imagine it’d just go something like:

Rey Misterio: Hey, man, thanks for buying the merch. I get a 10% cut of that. Anyway, I’ve got to go lose this match.

How depressing!


Kofi Kingston is a house afire when we come back, which is why he should’ve learned not to Thunder Clap in the house! He probably should’ve learned not to be Shelton too. Unfortunately, his mom is from Ghana not some sitcom. Rey gets the hot tag and takes it to Morrison whose hair never moves throughout the course of the match. Impressive! I wish he’d wrestle a whole match in slow motion, though. Rey tries…something….off the top, but Morrison kicks him in the face for the win. Mike Knox comes out and is MIKE KNOX which is a double blow to Rey. It’s a bad night to be a kid in a Rey Misterio mask.


Shawn Michaels: Man, some of these mirrors are getting pretty worn down, I should get a new pair pretty soon.

John Cena: Not at the expense of my face, I hope?

Shawn: Uh, well….

Cena: You know, I was going to come in here and do a rap about how tough it is to be a poor kid living in a mansion, but maybe Chris Jericho is right. My jaw is serious business. Don’t kick it.

Shawn: Hey, what does my past history tell you about me?


Shawn: Err…Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t have put it that way.


Jillian Hall vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly

Did you know Kelly’s dating Randy Orton? Their children will be almost beautiful but weirdly off-putting. Could you imagine Randy with kids? They’d never learn how to walk, because he’d always be making them fall down. Kane was right about you, Kelly! Jillian comes in singing “When the Saints Go Marching In.” Hasn’t the city of New Orleans suffered enough? Do they really have to be reminded how awful the Saints were this year? Kelly with what can be charitably called “some kind of move” for the win. That’s her move! And hey, speaking of Kane….

Kane: Kelly, I can’t believe you lied to me a couple weeks ago. You’re dumping me for Randy Orton? What the hell is that all about?

Kelly Kelly Kelly: I just don’t want him taking any dumps in my bag! I’ve got a lot of expensive cloths in there!

Kane: Well, I’m going to come out here next week and kill him with his own liver. How about that? How does that make you feel?

Kelly: Fine, I guess?

Kane: Well…Ok then. Nice seeing you.

Kelly: Yeah. You too. Say hello to your brother for me.

Kane: Yeah, hey. I will.


Cody Rhodes and Sim Snuka vs. Cryme Tyme

Is it wrong that it bothers me that they’re still entering to DiBiase’s music? The guy isn’t even here, you guys! He’s filming The Marine Two: Marine With a Vengeance! Don’t dishonor his music by giving it to a guy named “Sim.” I wonder how much JTG had to pay for that jacket. I suddenly want a jacket with my picture airbrushed onto the back. I can be an 80s rock star. Cody hits that swinging neck breaker that I swear has been every wrestler’s finisher at one time or another over the last ten years for the win. I think it was Orton’s for a while, so maybe Cody’s just trying to impress him. Remember when Orton’s finisher was a cross body, and he was supposed to be a high flyer? Yeah. Ha!

Meanwhile, JBL is coming out of Stephanie’s office. What could they possibly have been discussing. OH! OH! I know! The crisis in Gaza!


Hey did you know Mr. Kennedy was in a crappy movie? Well…now you do!


Randy Orton: Couchy Rolls, you do your father Doughy proud. You are continued suckfest does The Lemony proud.

Cody Rhodes: Thanks, Randy! I really think I’m getting this heel thing down!

Orton: Sid, I’m sorry, but you have been heathledgerated.

Sim Snuka: Uh…What?

Orton: Yeah, I forgone to tell you. It only counts if you store the pins.

Sim: That’s a stupid rule. What is this, TNA?

Orton: Ha! You whiff! If this were DNA, this ankle would’ve taken eight moths and Hackmaster Jeff Doogan and The Googleman would’ve been the furniture of the business instead of you two.

Cody: So…wait. Our stable is just two people now? That’s a stable?

Orton: I can’t court past two.

In Stephanie’s office….

Santino Marella: I can’t believe you’re banning our obvious fan plant from ringside! Now who will love Beth Phoenix?

Beth Phoenix: OBJECTION! Everybody loves me!

Stephanie McMahon: I’m sorry, I can’t focus on the two of you so long as Santino continues looking like an Ewok. Besides, Rosa sets a bad example. During one of the commercial breaks earlier, a seven year old in a Rey Misterio mask jumped the barricade and beat up Mike Knox. I can’t have that on my show.

Chris Jericho: I’m sorry, did you say “your show?”

Stephanie: No, I said “my show.”

Jericho: Er…Right. Anyway, I think you forget who owns this company.

Stephanie: Oh crap, are we running this angle again? All right, who bought us this time? Was it Shawn Michaels? Wouldn’t that be a hilarious twist of irony?

Jericho: No! I’m talking about your dad, alright? Remember? The guy who almost died when a million dollars fell on his head? Yeah, well I talked to his secretary and he’s coming back in two weeks.

Stephanie: You talked to Coach? How is he?

Jericho: Just shut up and look shocked, ok?

Stephanie looks shocked. Meanwhile, John Cena is backstage eating nachos.


Randy Orton and Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels and John Cena

The story of the match, of course, is that John Cena is conflicted about whether or not he can trust Shawn Michaels, Shawn Michaels is conflicted about whether or not he’s actually trustworthy, Chris Jericho is conflicted about what to do about his Royal Rumble spot, and Randy Orton is thinking about cheese. JBL comes out to give Shawn some time to ham it up with the, “Oh, I’m so conflicted about whether or not I hate this jerk face rapper who’s kind of an asshole to everybody but women and little children.” Get this man a Cable Ace! What do you mean “defunct?” Aw, man. I was sure I was going to get nominated for “Best Parody of a Show on Cable” this year too. I never would’ve won anyway. Damn that guy that does the Entourage Satire.


Michael Cole is going nuts. His word of the day calendar must’ve been “Vintage” today, because he’s said it about 87 times in the last five minutes. I think he called a punch “vintage John Cena,” which…I guess Cena has punched people before. Is anything “Vintage Matt Hocking?” I guess “Needs More Kane,” maybe? Ugh, see this is why I don’t hire Michael Cole to follow me around and call me life. I would hire West and Tenay anyway, so they can register mock confusion and amazement at everything I do. “He’s getting in his car! That’s his CAR! Why is he getting into it?!” Shawn fakes like he’s going to Superkick Cena, but then takes out Orton and Jericho. Afterwards, Shawn looks kind of depressed like he knows that he won’t be able to afford enough mirror polish to get him through the week, while John Cena does an amazing job of trying to hug Shawn from, like, the fourth row.

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with JBL.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with JBL, and John, I’ve got to ask you, what the hell is this angle all about anyway?

John Bradshaw Layfield: Shut up, Todd. We don’t have time for this. We’re already in the overrun. Suffice it to say that there will be no mirror chaps this week for Shawn Michaels. He failed to attack John Cena, even though you won’t find a single guy in this building who doesn’t want to beat the crap out of him.

Grisham: That’s probably true. I know I do.

JBL: So next week, I asked Stephanie to put Shawn in a match against John Cena. So that they have to attack each other.

Grisham: That plan actually makes sense, in a way that totally doesn’t make sense. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have something I want to try.

Todd Grisham dashes out into the crowd, puts on a Rey Misterio mask, and jumps over the barricade. WWE’s trained sniper takes him down in one shot. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Next Week: What will Shawn Michaels do when he’s faced with the prospect of having to wrestle a match?! Plus, Mike Knox is MIKE KNOX in the MIKE KNOX STORY. And also, Randy Orton has to fight a valiant fight for the girlfriend he doesn’t even care about, against Kane, while Sim Snuka and Manu plot their revenge at the gas station they work at now.


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