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John Cena's Dad Was Never This Big a Pussy

Januay 22, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: Chris Jericho got fired to make room to hire, and then subsequently fire, Tyson Tomko. The referees took their cue from the NFL and awarded a win to the Baltimore Ravens, errÖRavenÖThat doesnít work either. Also, Shawn Michaels did what we all wanted him to do and kicked the crap out of John Cena. But what will he doÖTONIGHT?!
I salute WWE for doing this video of Martin Luther King Jr. every year, I really do. But they should maybe not do random cut-aways to Michael Hayes dancing every other clip.

(Opening Credits)


Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Kane vs. Santino Marella vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Ted DiBiase
In a Six Man Battle Royal

Kofi has an unfair advantage because heís also Shelton. Though, Shelton hasnít won any of these things ever, so maybe thatís an unfair disadvantage. Man, they changed DiBiaseís theme and made it more horrible than you could possibly imagine. This isnít even a hip dance club remix. This battle royal needs more Kane. Santino is tossed in about ten seconds, which is too bad. I thought he was going to win. Oh well, thereís always the Rumble itself. Then everybody else gets thrown out within the next thirty seconds, and Randy Orton wins the match. That wasÖUhÖGiving Vince a big buffer for his return tonight, eh? RANDY ORTON IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA~!


Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix

Kellyís had to resort to the Local Sports Jersey gimmick to stay over in the wake of the admission that she slept with Randy Orton. Oh, Kelly. I hope it was worth it. Then again, she also slept with MIKE KNOX! Sheís only one unfortunate relationship from becoming Chilly Willy. Thereís still hope, Kung Funaki! HOLD IT! Beth drops Kelly on her face for the win. This match lasted almost as long as that battle royal earlier. How the hell long are they planning on letting Vince go tonight? Geez.


Randy Orton: The Lemony Regains supreme!

Ted DiBiase: Was that the worst battle royal ever or what? Two minutes for six guys? Including Kane and you? I donít really buy it.

Orton: Todd, I hate to bleak it to you, but Iím so awe inscribing, that everyone just junked out of the wing. Thatís how itís going to be at the Regal Rumpus, Todd. Itís going to be the short bus Rumple ever.

DiBiase: Short bus?

Orton: EVER!

Cody Rhodes: Hey, WWE.com says that Manu and Sim were in Stephanie McMahonís office. It says that theyíre trying to convince her to have Randy fired!

Orton: How dare hey! Moby and Jim will never flier me! WaitÖwho are they again?

DiBiase: Even more important than that, why the hell are you reading WWE.com?!


Hey you know who got a Spinniní World Title? George Bush. Heís not even the worst person to hold that title. He looks sort of freaked out by it, and I think Cheneyís going to steal it.


Santino Marella: Beth-a, I have-a to tell you-a that you are a beautiful-a and talented wrestler-a and lawyer-a!

Beth Phoenix: Thanks, Santino. Iím sorry I kicked you in the balls all those times.

Santino: But I think-a you need an assitant-a! Someone to help-a you do things-a and win the matches-a!

Beth: Thatís the whole reason Iím dating you.

Santino: I meant-a somebody competent-a!

Beth: Oh, well, thatís a whole different thing then. What did you have in mind?

Rosa Mendes: Itís me! Your biggest fan! Remember me? From all the times in the crowd when I was a front row fan plant?

Santino: What do-a you think-a? Do you want-a to have-a the threesome-a?

Beth: Santino! This is a family show!

Santino: What? Iím-a European!

Rosa: By way of the U.S.

Beth: By way of Canada.

Santino: By way-a of my motherís-a womb!

Rosa: You really didnít need to go there, Santino.

Santino: Come on-a everybody, letís-a go pick-a out matching-a outfits!

Beth: Ooh! Shopping trip!


Stephanie McMahon: HunterÖHunter, put the baby down. No I donít think itís ok if The Barbarian baby-sits Aurora Borealis and Murphy Brown. Because heís going to throw them across the room. You know full well he is, thatís what he always does. I donít care if you want to go see Gran Turino. No, itís not about the car racing game. Itís about Clint Eastwood being old and racist. Donít forget to give them their juice before you start your jazzercise.

Randy Orton: How domesticerly of you, Stabaknee. Iím sure my old fiend Triopoly H is proud of you.

Stephanie: Hey, Iíve got to go. Randy Orton just sat his oily ass on my new leather couch. Tell the babies momma loves them.

Stephanie pulls out a spray bottle and sprays Orton until he gets off the couch.

Orton: It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WWE Girlís Chocolatechip! And I will not be fryered like Iím some kind of Bad Feely!

Stephanie: Iím not going to fire you, Randy. Beating up Manu and Sim Snuka is nothing compared to some of the crap youíve pulled around here. And sadly, I mean that both figuratively and literally.

Orton: Great! I also think you are a whole of a prostitutes who only got the gentile margerine is because your last name is McDonalds-Harmsley.

Stephanie rolls her eyes and slaps Orton.

Orton: I deed served that, I admit it.


Hey you know who filmed a new movie while he was out with a neck injury? John Cena! What is it? The Marine 3: Holy Crap, Itís That Marine Again!

CM Punk vs. William Regal (w/ Layla El)
In a No Disqualification Match for the WWE Intercontinental Title

If WWE wrestled every night in Chicago, CM Punk would be the biggest superstar in the history of our great sport. Heís carrying the flag of Chicago, which is pandering on the same level of Kelly earlier, but even worse because I didnít even know Chicago had a flag. Do they really need a flag? He shouldíve just been carrying a big picture of Oprah. Anyway, heís already celebrating the Intercontinental Title victory and the match hasnít even started yet. He starts things off with move 395 (arm-BAR), and wonít break it. Itís No DQ! Feud for the ages!


Punk now basically has a leglock on the ropes, and Iím not sure what he hopes to accomplish with that, but Layla breaks it up anyway. Thanks for coming out tonight, Layla! Regal busts out a Dragon Suplex, which is pretty fantastic except that he ends up dropping Punk on top of his head. Somehow, he doesnít die, though, and he gets regal up for the GTS and the win. Congratulations on your big step back, CM! The crowd, of course, goes nuts because heís their hometown boy. Oh, DíLo, you were fired a week too early! Punk continues to celebrate for likeÖa half hour. Oh, so thatís where all the extra time is going.


Ooh, the red carpet is out in the ring. Either Obama is going to address the audience or weíre going to have a contract signing. Aw, thereís the contract.

Jerry ďThe KingĒ Lawler: I was asked to host this contract signing. This is the first and last involvement Iím going to have with this segment. Laters.

Thanks, Jerry! JBL and Cena sign the contract. Suprisingly, Shawn Michaels doesnít Superkick one of them and steal the contract.

John Bradshaw Layfield: So thatís it then. Weíre finally moving ahead with this whole thing. And with Shawn Michaels in my corner at the Royal Rumble, Iím going to totally win the title, go to Wrestlemania, and lose to whatever face flavor of the month they put me up against! Kofi Kingston here I come!

Shawn Michaels: Why the hell canít you ever remember that No Way Out is between the Rumble and Wrestlemania?

John Cena: So run this by me again, Shawn. Youíre going to be in JBLís corner at the Rumble?

Shawn: Right.

Cena: Because youíre poor?

Shawn: Sounds like me.

Cena: Because you squandered away an eight digit fortune letting Ric Flair give you improbable financial advice and then blowing $8,000 a week on mirror chaps?

Shawn: That about sums it up, yeah.

Cena: I hope you realize how ridiculous that all sounds! Youíre the Show Stopper! The Main Event! Here, Iíll tell you what. Iíll donate the proceeds from my new movie, Somewhat Less Notorious to your bank account. That way, you can work for me instead of JBL!

Shawn: First of all, no. Second of all, hell no. Third of all, I donít think your movie is going to make any ďproceeds.Ē

JBL: Guys! Guys! Whoís feuding here? Me and Cena or you two?

Shawn: You stay out of this!

JBL: Ok! Fine! Geez.

Shawn: You donít know what itís like to have no back, two kids, and a money whore of a wifeÖerÖHi, honey! You donít know what itís like to have to tithe away your fortune while youíre off buying mirror chaps for yourself. You donít know what itís like to invest heavily in a million different kinds of hair regrowth treatments. And more importantly, you donít know what itís like to give all of your money to a crazy old wizard, only to see him go and lose it all playing Bingo in Vegas. Youíre just a silly rapper wannabe who will never know the perils of being an ornery old man! NOW GET OFF MY LAWN!

Shawn goes to punch Cena, but JBL is there first. Shawn goes to kick Cena, but JBL kicks him first. Then, JBL hits the Clothesline from Hell on Cena. Shawn just kind of shrugs and walks off. Boy, talk about a little bit of Stockholm Syndrome. Do you suppose Bradshaw keeps Shawn Michaels locked up at night? Who is he? Boy George?


Hey! Itís Kevin Grevioux! No, I donít know who he is either. Heís a walking billboard for Underworld 3: No Kate Beckinsale So Why Did We Bother?

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Mike Knox.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and Iím standing by with Mike Knox, and Mike, Iíve got to ask you whatís your problem with Rey Misterio?

Mike Knox: UhÖI donít have a problem with Rey Misterio.

Grisham: Then why are you such a jerk to him?

Knox: Because the only way Iíll get on TV is if Iím a jerk to somebodyÖSo why not Rey Misterio?

Grisham: Huh. ThatÖActually makes a lot of sense. Thanks for your time, Mike.


Then, a stage carrying a million dollars falls and crushes Todd Grisham. Todd Grisham has fallen. Wait, wasnít Kevin Grevioux the villain in Revenge of the Sith?

Rey Misterio vs. Mike Knox

Reyís gotten to the point where, every kid under 50 is wearing a Rey mask now, so he doesnít have time to talk to every one of them, and some of them are starting to get pissed off. It doesnít help that heís come out wearing an extra mask to give away now either. I wonder how much those things cost. You better watch out, Rey, or youíre going to be JBLís next indentured servant! Rey knocks overÖUghÖThat was horrible. Ok, Rey trips up Knox and goes for the 619, but Mike catches him. He still gets a bloody lip though, so he punches Rey in the face. Thatís a DQ. It is? Really? Really, WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance?

In Stephanieís office.

Chris Jericho: Are these prunes? Who puts prunes in their fruit tray?

Stephanie McMahon: Iím a little backed up, ok? What the hell do you want anyway? Didnít I fire you last week?

Jericho: Yeah. But thatís never stopped anybody from coming to the show, has it?

Hardcore Holly: Nope.

Jericho: And they werenít filming another episode of Redemption Song ever, so I just figured Iíd come and chill on your couch for a while. And eat prunes apparently. Because thatís what weíre ordering on our fruit tray.

Stephanie: I donít think Iíve made totally clear my irrational and seething hatred for you, Chris.

Jericho: And I donít think Iíve made clear to you how much Iím still going to be sitting on your couch for the next 30-45 minutes.


Hey, you know whatís happening on Smackdown? Jeff Hardy is dying.

The Miz and Morrison vs. Cryme Tyme
If Cryme Tyme Wins They Get a Title Shot, but if They Lose They Go Back to Being Cryme Tyme

Ok, so the set up for this match is that Miz and Morrison wanted to wrestle ďHacksawĒ Jim Duggan to prove their superiority over ancient Royal Rumble winners. However, if youíll remember (you wonít) Cryme Tyme kidnapped Hacksaw a few weeks ago, never to be seen again. So, instead, in honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day and the Obama Inauguration, hereís the only two black guys on RAW, and theyíre wrestling Cryme Tyme. Sorry, thatís not really fair to Kofi or Charlie Haas. JTG fakes an arm injury to draw Morrisonís attention away from him, allowing Shad to hit him withÖSomething. Thatís his move! Cryme Tyme wins!


Hereís a bunch of numbers that have to do with the Royal Rumble. They did this last year, too. I still donít see Benoit, in there, so thereís still that. I do so love how they make it seem like anybody can win this match except in this particular video packages. Itís all, ďLook at all the main eventers that have won the past twenty years. So, The Brian Kendrick? Not so much.Ē


Alexis Laree: Öand thatís how I broke my addiction to Raven and Trish Stratus and struck out on my own!

Cody Rhodes: And thatís why youíre not on TV any more except to share random backstage interviews with me for some reason. Why do I talk to you again?

Alexis: Because Iím a four time WWE Womenís Champion, which is more than youíll ever accomplish?

Cody: Right. I want to win the Womenís title.

Goldust: Hey, bro. Whatís going on?

Cody: ErrÖNot much, Dustin. Why are you being all normal? Arenít you supposed to be biting people and feeling up your nipples?

Goldust: Not when Iím shilling for the new Starcade DVD! It has all the stars from WCW past! Sting, Mick Foley, Jeff Jarrett, Kevin Nash-

Cody: So basically itís a TNA DVD.

Goldust: Yeah, except it makes more sense. So whatís the deal with you and Randy Orton? You donít really like hanging out with those guys in ďThe Lemo-

Cody: Iím sorry, man, I just cannot have a serious conversation with you when youíre painted up like that.

Goldust: Understandable. But know this, youíre staring into the face of your future.


Hey look! A limo!


Jillian Hall vs. Melina

How many womenís matches are we going to have on this show? Ugh. Jillian tries to go with a sidewalk slam, and ends up hobbling around the ring trying to keep Melina more than an inch off the ground. Ah, I love these matches. At least Melina didnít break her shoulder again or anything. Hey, you know what I just realized? With Victoria gone, and her music with her, the last vestiges of Stevie Richards have finally been wiped from WWE! Thatís really depressing. Melina with a really awful power bomb for the win. You have a long way to go, ladies! After the match, Team Glamerella comes down to ringside to get in some stariní time, but Rosa ends up jumping MelinaÖveeeerry slowly, yet Melina is powerless to stop her! Beth doesnít seem to happy with any of this. Sheís either pissed because she doesnít need Rosaís help to beat Melina, or pissed because this segment just made everybody look awful.

Elsewhere, Boobsie is talking to Dolph Ziggler. We got all the women on the show tonight! Yaaaaay!

Boobsie McTitsalot: I have boobs!

Dolph Ziggler: Iím Dolph Ziggler!

Vince McMahon: Whatís going on over here? Boobsie! Nice to see you! And you areÖWaitÖI know you! Werenít you one of my cheerleader?

Dolph: I donít know what youíre talking about! Iím Do-

Vince: Yeah you were. The cute one. No, wait that was Kenny. UhÖWere you Mitch?

Dolph: Mitch didnít even wrestle! Do I look like Mitch?

Vince: Didnít you used to be my caddie too?

Dolph: Ugh!


Hereís Vince, rocking the Rod Blagojevich haircut. Not really, but that wouldíve been hilarious. Whereís Tony Schiavone when we need him? Thatís a guy that could grow a hair helmet when he wanted to.

Vince McMahon: Thatís right! Iím back! Youíd think being killed by a million dollars would stop me, but you all know better than that. I took a six month vacation and I was fine. But apparently, Iíve got things to do here tonight, because my kids have really made a mess of running the show since Iíve been gone. We fired Chris Jericho, I guess, so why donít we have him come out here and say a few words about how unfair that was. Chris?

Chris Jericho: Thank you, Vince. To be honest with you, I think it speaks for itself. Your daughter is a terrible general manager. Meanwhile, Iíve won two world titles and should be in the Royal Rumble. But instead I got fired.

Vince: You won two world titles? Who the hell let that happen? I have been gone too long.

Stephanie McMahon: Yeah, sorry about that. I blame Shane and his demon children.

Vince: Damn them!

Stephanie: But I still think Chris Jericho should be fired.

Jericho: Aw!

Stephanie: Unless he begs for his job back.

Jericho: Why in the hell does this always happen. I mean, every frigging time I get fired from this stupid company. All right. May I please have my job back, Stephanie? You are not at all an attention whore with ridiculous fake breasts and a weird looking cleft chin. And your hair is as perfect as ever.

Stephanie: Ok, now beg the crowd.

Jericho: Iím sorry ďWWE UniverseĒ that youíre all a bunch of simpering morons who donít know their heads from a hole in the ground. Iím sorry you purchase John Cena merchandise and have to put up with Shawn Michaels acting mopey all the time. And mostly, Iím sorry for The Boogeyman. I donít know why. I just am.

Vince: Chris Jericho! Youíre HIIIIIIRRRRRRRRED!

Jericho: I donít know if that was more or less humiliating than when Trish Stratus had to bark like a dog.

Randy Orton: Did someone say humanization?

Jericho: No.

Orton: Because, I belabor that it is my DESTINY~! to come out here tonight. Because quiet funky, Iím tired of having Steppenwolf here as the genial merger of Monkey Night Ron! Thatís right! I think sheís just a stupid whole who happened to have a couple of graham kids for you, Vance! And now I want an apocrypha.

Vince: You know what, Randy? If it werenít for me and Stephanie, youíd be living in a van with a dude named ďRelish,Ē trying to score blow and high school chicks on your way to your next ďgigĒ which doesnít actually exist.

Orton: Thatís actually my life in a nut spell.

Vince: So I want you to apologize to me for wasting time that could otherwise have been given to one of the womenís matches earlier tonight.

Orton: NADER!

Then Randy punches Vince in the head, and after lining him up, delivers a punt to the temple. THATíSÖNot really his move, but close enough. Randy puts on a pretty great, ďOh, crap. I just did that, didnít I?Ē performance, while Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase swoop in to take him away. Johnny Ace and Dean Malenko, of all people, make the save. I wonder if Sergeant Slaughter wouldíve been the difference maker here. As it is, Orton bails, Dean and Ace soak up the screen time theyíre getting, and Stephanie bawls like her dad just died again. Geez. What a drama queen. John Cenaís Dad took this move and heís fiiiiine.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Randy Orton will still, inexplicably, not be fired. Chris Tian will make his shocking return that will shock absolutely no one. And, in an even more shocking turn of events, R-Truth will accidentally win the Royal Rumble. R-TRUTH IS GOING TO (be fired before) WRESTLEMANIA!!


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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