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RAW SATIRE    
Mike Knox: Master and Ruler of the House Shows 

February 6, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: In the most shocking event in the history of our great sport, Shane McMahon single-handedly beat up the RAW Roster to defend the honor of a sister and father who he hates. Also, Chris Jericho challenged an actor to a match at Wrestlemania. And something important happened on a house show. Maybe they’ll have a house show…TONIGHT!
 
(Opening Credits)

Hey, it’s Shane McMahon! And he’s dancing around. It’s nice to see that everything’s turned out all right. Shane’s got his groove back.

Shane McMahon: Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo! Booyah! I’m feeling great! I beat up the whole RAW Roster last week, and at No Way Out, I’ll have the chance to beat up Randy Orton in a No Holds Barred match. Yeah, last week after RAW, while I was filling out the 347

pages of documents allowing me to punch Randy Orton in the nads, Beth Phoenix approached me and told me that Mr. Orton was challenging me to a match at No Way Out. So I was like, Boyah! You know? Two birds with one stone, right? So now I’m going to punch Randy Orton in the nads so hard that he’s not going to be able to be GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA~! Then maybe I’ll be in the main event!

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WIL Girl’s Chocolatechip! Shawn Michaels, it is come to my attrition that you’ve signed pauper walk that you and I should fright at No Way! Get Out! Last week you got lurky! I told Couchy Rolls and Todd Degrassi not to attach you! Why, you might asp?

Shane: ….

Orton: ….

Shane: Why?

Orton: Simple, the proof is in the pancake! If the Lemony attacked, then the OUR Roster and Chad Jelloshow would have fought back! And I don’t like our ox against the likes of Chainsaw John Douglas or Coffee Caneson. So call your dad Vance, and teller him that he’s going to have some country in the hospital bed next to him! It’s going to be you. I’m talkering about you there.

Shane: Oh yeah? You and what army?!

And with that, The Lemony attack. Things seem to be going in the Lemony’s favor, but Shane pulls a Kendo stick out of his pants and runs them off. That’s…different. What is he, an adventure game? Does he have the secret of Monkey Island down there too? On second thought, don’t answer that. Well, at least he has an answer now if somebody asks him, “Is that a Kendo stick in your pocket or are you happy to see me?” The answer, of course, is “Yes.”

(ads)

CM Punk and Alexis Laree vs. William Regal and Layla El

EPIC FEUD FOR THE AGES~! I can’t tell if I’m talking about Alexis and Layla or Punk and Regal there. It’s nice to see Raven’s old crew back hanging out again. Actually weren’t they supposed to debut together as an 80s pop duo? If Punk was still going around wearing He-Man jammies, he’s still be World Champion. Regal tries to use Layla as a shield again, but it’s ok if girls attack girls, so Alexis knocks her away. Punk tries to take advantage of the momentum shift, but Regal knees him in the face for the win. Feud for the ages, folks!

(ads)

The Lemony vs. Cryme Tyme

This is the Cody Rhodes/Ted DiBiase Lemony here. Randy Orton will have none of facing Cryme Tyme. Shad’s gotten onto the Catchphrase Delayed Move train. I don’t know if the “Money Money Elbow Drop” is as cool as the Ballin’ or You Can’t See Me. Cody takes out JTG and then The Lemony start beating on Shad. That’s…a DQ? Really WWE RAW Referee David Cone? Because I’m pretty sure dudes kicking is not really grounds for disqualification in professional wrestling. Except in Ring of Honor or whatever.

Chris Jericho is wandering around backstage. Probably looking for more actors to assault.

(ads)

Backstage, The Lemony is going over the plot to the movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. And now, here’s Chris Jericho.

Chris Jericho: Yeah, so in case you hadn’t heard, I went on Larry King last week and totally cut a promo on Mickey Rourke. I thought that was supposed to be a sort of “newsy” show. I can’t believe they actually let me go on there and do that. Anyway, now Mickey has decided he doesn’t want to wrestle me. So I guess I’m just going to throw out a bunch of names of old homeless wrestlers, and maybe one of them will show up to Wrestlemania. Jimmy Snuka. Rowdy Roddy Piper. Ric Flair. Koko B. Ware. Uh…Val Venis. I mean, what the hell is the deal with these guys? Doing signings in high school gyms? Filming lame shoot tapes for a couple grand? And what’s with whoring out your kids to the Florida State Fair? I mean…David I understand, but Reid? That’s just awful. You should just do what I did and return to your crappy band and host awful reality shows! It’s time we cut these guys off by getting rid of the Legend Contracts. If…you know, we haven’t already.

John Cena: Chris Jericho, I’m tired of you coming out here and insulting actors! I’m an actor!

Jericho: Really?

Cena: No. I’m pretty much the worst actor. But listen, if it weren’t for these legends like Ric Flair, where would you be, Chris? Where would you be?

Jericho: If it wasn’t for Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan, I probably would’ve been able to actually do something in WCW. So I’d probably be doing even better if they weren’t around.

Cena: You know what? They were right. I hate you and I’m going to beat you up later.

Jericho: And you’re the face. See this is why I quit wrestling all the damn time.

Backstage, Kofi Kingston and Rey Misterio are watching “Chuck in 3D.” Me too actually. I’m just making this all up. But these 3D glasses are giving me a headache.

(ads)

Rey Misterio and Kofi Kingston vs. Kane and Mike Knox

There’s a lot of talent in this ring what between Kane, Shelton, and MIKE KNOX! They take us to pictures from some dude’s cell phone of Mike winning a battle royal, and therefore somehow making it into the Elimination Chamber match. That’s…an interesting choice. Really, is there a single person out there that believes that Mike Knox has a shot in hell of winning that match? Including Knox? This is just like the time they tried to sell Abe Orton as a threat to John Cena, which ended up lasting about twelve minutes. And Mike Knox is no Abe Orton.

(ads)

You know, the RAW Elimination chamber is kind of all like that, isn’t it? It’s John Cena, and then some other guys. I could…maybe buy Jericho winning, but he’s not going to defend it against Koko B. Ware or whatever, so he’s out. Actually, I want them to put it on Kofi, just to see what happens. Kofi basically disappears for a while, so when Rey goes for the 619, Mike Knox catches him. Such is the power of MIKE KNOX! Kofi finally appears to take Knox out, but Kane hits the Chokeslam on Rey for the win. Kane won a match! I do believe in miracles!

Hey! It’s Shane and Stephanie!

Shane McMahon: What a great Super Bowl right? The Cardinals and the Steelers! James Harrison donkey punching some guy…Koalas getting knocked out…I love football.

Stephanie McMahon: Shane, aren’t we supposed to hate each other? I forced you off RAW a couple months ago, remember? Right after Mike Adamle quit?

Shane: Yeah, I know. But…Here’s the thing. Flair gave me an insider tip before he left, and I kind of bet a bunch of money on the Lions to win it all this year, and…well…You know. They were due!

Stephanie: So you’re buddying up to me again because you need a loan?

Shane: Don’t think of it as a loan, think of it as an economic stimulus package.

Randy Orton: DESTINY FOR ORTON~!

And Randy comes crashing into the camera shot, scaring the hell out of Stephanie and forcing Shane to fall over. Orton wins! The Lemony comes in to back him up, and before long, Shane is out of the picture. Randy lines up Stephanie for a kick to the head, but Shane intercepts it with his ribcage. I’m pretty sure that’s roughing the kicker, dude. Dean Malenko shows up to scare The Lemony off (of course!) while Stephanie tends to her fallen brother. This segment…didn’t make any sense. But I’m all for any situation which involves causing grievous bodily harm to one or more of the McMahons, so, huzzah!

(ads)

Backstage, JBL is looking kind of sleepy. This is the entire segment. Shane probably should’ve gone to Bradshaw for the loan, now that I think of it. He and Shawn could’ve pranced together between jobs!

(ads)

Boobsie McTitsalot vs. Beth Phoenix (w/ Santino Marella and Rosa Mendes)

Beth looks concerned about the legal ramifications of Orton’s win earlier. She shouldn’t take her work baggage to…work. Whatever. You know, I was about to make a comment about how this is the match WWE should provide in stunning, gimmicky 3D, but it isn’t really. I don’t know if I could take Boobsie’s lips or Beth’s mullet flying at me. Though it’d really do wonders for Santino’s trombone. I can’t tell if that was a double entendre or not. Beth busting out a Torture Rack (!), and an admittedly pretty swank springboard suplex. Beth with her move (that’s her move!) for the win. Sadly, nobody was made to kick themselves in the head tonight.

Backstage, Chris Jericho is watching the only known copy of Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man on DVD. Hey! Ric Flair is going to be here next week! I guess he got that vacation time from Wendy’s after all!

(ads)

Here’s JBL out to talk about American Idol no doubt. I’m voting for either the crazy gay guy or the girl who apparently owns no shoes. She has no shoes, America! This is a girl we must help!

John Bradshaw Layfield: I know what you’re all thinking, but no, I’m not out here to talk about American Idol. Quite frankly, I don’t even watch this show, not even to see Kara Dioguardi’s cleavage. Ok, maybe once. A week. Or twice. But that’s not important. What’s important here is Shawn Michaels. Now, I’ve decided to give Shawn’s performance review here tonight, so Shawn, come on down here so we can get started.

Shawn Michaels: Thank you for having me.

JBL: My pleasure, really. Now, Shawn, where do you see yourself in five years?

Shawn: Selling HBearKs at below market values on eBay and sitting next to Virgil at random conventions and armories throughout the country.

JBL: Good. Now, what would you say your best qualities are as an employee?

Shawn: I’m…punctual. I can multitask. I know how to use the Googles. Also, I smell minty fresh.

JBL: All great qualities, to be sure, but do you think you’ve done a good job as my employee? Can you give me any examples of any good jobs you’ve done?

Shawn: Well, I mean…I jobbed to you right before the Rumble, which gave you the number one contendership. And then I jobbed to John Cena last week. That was a pretty good one.

JBL: Ok. If you were a fruit, any fruit in the world. Go ahead and take your time with this one. Mangos, pears, grapes. There’s a lot of fruits in the world, Shawn. If you had to be any fruit, which one would you be and why?

Shawn: Oh! A peach! Because I’m sweet and fuzzy.

JBL: Ok, Shawn, I’m going to level with you. I don’t think this is working. In fact, I was thinking about terminating your services at No Way Out.

Shawn: No Way! Er…Out! Is it something I said?

JBL: No, Shawn, it’s not that. But in order for me to qualify for a government bailout, I have to trim some of the luxuries out of my life. And quite frankly, I can’t justify spending $8,000 per week on my own private professional wrestler any more. Who do I look like? Tom Daschle here?

Shawn: Oh no! What will happen to my 401k?!

JBL: I never gave you a 401k! Now look, I’m not just going to let you ride off into the sunset. At No Way Out we’re going to have a match. If you win, you get a lovely severance package including a year’s supply of Garlique brand garlic tablets, the world’s leader in product potency, and a copy of our home game.

Shawn: And if I lose?

JBL: I get the rights to the Shawn Michaels character. Including dressing up in mirror chaps, having pyro, hanging out with Triple H, coming out to “Sexy Boy”-

Shawn: Deal!

JBL: -losing my hair, always talking about my close, personal relationship with Jesus Christ, averting my eyes whenever Divas are around…HEY!

Shawn: See you, sucker!

JBL: Well, at least I’ll be able to make a movie called The Heartbreak Kid that I can star in.

Ben Stiller: We made that already, and it sucked.

JBL: MIIIIIIICHAAAAAELS!

(ads)

Backstage….

Stephanie McMahon: So you got it? If you can get The Undertaker to come here next week and beat up Randy Orton, I’ll put you in the Elimination Chamber.

Kane: Seriously?

Stephanie: Absolutely.

Kane: Wow. I thought you guys would have his phone number already, but whatever. Yeah. I’ll call him.

Stephanie: Err…Thank you!

Kane: Hey! Taker! You still lurking around here?

The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: I’m trying not to. What do you want?

Kane: You want to sic your body on Randy Orton next week?

Voice of Taker: Why the hell would I do that? We hate each other! We killed each other’s fathers and tried to kill each other in the process.

Kane: If you do it, I’ll buy you a Coke.

Voice of Taker: Really? Well…That’s pretty decent of you, Kane. Sure. I’d love to beat the crap out of Randy Orton.

Stephanie: Really? That’s all it would’ve taken?

Kane: Shh…go away, Stephanie. My pod cast is about to begin. Tonight, I’m discussing the importance of the Britain/China trade talks in the Obama presidency!

Chris Jericho vs. John Cena

Wait…Didn’t Kane just lose a qualifying match to get into the Elimination Chamber? I guess the figured that it needed more Kane anyway. I think it’s kind of dumb that ECW isn’t getting an Elimination Chamber. Tommy Dreamer’s gotta earn his paycheck this month some how. And I’ve never even heard of Jack Swagger. That sounds like a pretty bitchin’ cocktail actually. Somebody mix me up a Jack Swagger. Jericho dumps Cena to the outside, so that’s as good a place to any to take an ad break. What’s the over/under on the ads during RAW being as good as the ones during the Super Bowl?

(ads)

Eh. The Super Bowl only wins because of the 1 second Miller Hi Life ad. Jericho rolls Cena up on a “You Can’t See Me” attempt. See, Shad? Those will only work for so long, unless you’re the Rock. Cena picks Jericho up for, “The Attitude Adjuster (tm Michael Cole). Now look, I applaud them for finally getting rid of the name that was just a six year old pun on the F5, but really? “Attitude Adjuster” was the best you could come up with? And I know the real reason why it’s changed is because kids might be watching, but are you telling me that “FU” isn’t PG enough? This is the age of the Internet (not to be confused with the Age of Orton), kids are texting nastier things than FU by the time they’re four. So STFU, WWE! Er…Wait. That does sound really lame, doesn’t it. Ok, never mind. Jericho tries to put Cena into the Walls of Jericho, but Cena handstands out of that. That’s both impressive and kind of depressing. An STF later, and Cena has won the match.

Next Week: Ric Flair shows up to RAW, and he’s got some ‘splainin’ to do! Also, The Embodied Body of the Undertaker makes a rare RAW appearance to collect on his soda. And we’ll make you believe that Kofi Kingston and Mike Knox could win the Elimination Chamber. No. Seriously, guys! Guys?

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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