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RAW SATIRE    
The Bodyguard 

February 11, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Last week was really just kind of wasted on building up this week, wasn’t it? I mean, sure, Randy Orton booted Shane McMahon in the ribs, but what else happened? Chris Jericho goaded Ric Flair into appearing. This week. And Kane summoned the spirit of The Undertaker to appear when? Say it with me now: TONIGHT!
 
(Opening Credits)

Wooooooo! It’s Ric Flair! You can almost feel the tension as the dog show people don’t know whether or not this is their show or not yet. I’ll say one thing, if Mr. Hufflelumps doesn’t win this year, it’s all rigged. Those judges are so racist against Shar-Peis. Speaking of Shar-Peis, Flair’s looking a little rough since the last time 

we saw him. At that signing at the Dairy Queen by your house. Michael Cole promptly directs any dog show lovers to tune into CNBC for coverage of the Daschunds. Yes, because it’s not like there’s any economic news to report on lately. Speaking of Daschunds…Sorry, I lost it there. Anyway: Ric Flair.

Ric Flair: WOOO! It’s good to be back in a building that has a fire capacity of more than 24! After I retired and quit my job lurking around backstage waiting for Vince to ask me to wrestle again, I thought I’d never be back in this ring!

Chris Jericho: And you never should’ve been! I thought they’d put you in a home once and for all so that you could play bingo with the rest of the blue hairs and not tarnish your legacy any more with $5 shoot tapes filmed in some guy’s mom’s basement.

Flair: That’s pretty rich coming from a guy who punched a girl last week.

Jericho: She was asking for it! Besides, what do I look like, Chris Brown here? It was just a little shove!

Flair: I don’t know who that is.

Jericho: The guy that tried to eat Rhianna? No? Nothing?

Flair: Stylin’ and profilin’, jet flyin’ limo ridin wheelinanddealin sonofagun takeyouroldlatdyforarideonspacemountainfatboy! WOOOO!

Jericho: Uh…Ric, I know you haven’t been here for a while, but quit going off script.

Flair: SCRIPT ME?! I’ll never be scripted! SCRIPT ME?! I’ll never be scripted!

Jericho: Yeah. So you’re saying that the fans still respect you?

Flair: Well, I haven’t pawned my retirement watch off to Cash4Gold. Yet.

Jericho: It’s going to be so depressing when you come out of retirement to defend the honor of Mickey f’n Rourke. It was such a nice ending to your career.

Flair: How much do you think I could get for this? $40? Embezzling from Shawn Michaels doesn’t bring in the kind of dough you’d think it would. Did you know he spent $150,000 every year having a guy follow Marty Jannetty around with orders to drug him and mail him to Qatar if he comes within 500 miles of Texas?

Jericho: Shawn is here tonight, you know.

Flair: Gotta go!

Flair punches Jericho and runs off into the crowd.

Jericho: Security?! Geez! Can anybody around here protect me from unnecessary violence?

Ralphus: I’ll protect you, Mister Jericho.

Jericho: I…Uh…Oh, what the hell. Get me out of here, Ralphus!

Ralphus carries Jericho from the ring while they make moon eyes at each other.

(ads)

Jillian Hall and Beth Phoenix (w/ Santino Marella and Rosa Mendes) vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly and Melina

Melina is the women’s champion! Bet you didn’t know that! Or maybe you did. I don’t live inside your head. Though wouldn’t that be cool? It’d save me a lot of time writing the Satire, let me tell you. Sadly, Jillian didn’t win any Grammys for her album this year. I have no faith in the Grammy system now! You can’t tell me she’s worse than whoever Adele is. Rosa grabs Melina, and Beth uses the distraction to hit the Glam Slam for the win. Best match on the show so far!

(ads)

Backstage….

John Bradshaw Layfield: Well, I guess this is it. One way or another, we’re going to settle your contract at No Way Out.

Shawn Michaels: Yeah. You know, I’m going to miss you, John.

JBL: Really?

Shawn: Yeah. For as much as I hated every minute of working for you, you’re still less of a jerk than Verne Gagne.

JBL: Well, thanks, Shawn. That means a lot coming from you.

Shawn: And you’ve got nicer tits than Shari.

JBL: Don’t push it. Anyway, I was thinking, tonight you’re going to wrestle Mark Henry. Actually, that’s not really a thought. Tonight I’m making you wrestle M-

Shawn: Hold that thought. RIC FLAIR! YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Flair: Ah! Hehe…Uh…Shawn! Wooo. Long time no see, buddy! How’s it going?

Shawn: I lost my entire life’s savings and everything I own because of Ric Flair Financial, and all you’ve got for me is “How’s it going?” Give me one reason I shouldn’t Superkick your face off right now!

Flair: You still got that watch Hunter gave us when I retired?

Shawn: Uh…Yeah?

Flair: Well I just called up Cash4Gold.com, and if we send these things in we can get $60 a piece!

Shawn: Really? Sixty bucks, huh? You know, mine doesn’t even tell time, it just has a couple of little balls that you roll around in there and try to get them into little holes.

Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ! Then what we do is we pool that money together and use it as seed money in a hot new investment tactic called a “Potsie Scheme”-

JBL: I think you mean a Ponzi-

Flair: WOO!

Shawn: And I’ll get back all the money of mine that you lost?

Flair: Or my name isn’t Ric Flair Financial!

JBL: Your na-

Flair: WOO!

Shawn: Ok, so what’s the deal?

Flair: We take the cash and buy a leather jacket like The Fonz wears. Then, we get a bunch of terrible NBA Players to buy fine leather jackets from us. Then we just take the money and run! They’re NBA Players! They’ll never notice!

Shawn: That sounds like a sound financial investment.

JBL: You’re going to be working for me forever.

Shawn: Hey! Tough Enough Jessie! Would you like to buy a leather jacket from us?

Tough Enough Jessie: Su-

Chris Jericho: No! It’s a trap!!

Jericho knocks Tough Enough Jessie away from Shawn Michaels.

TE Jessie: WAAAAAAAAAH!

JBL: What have you done?

Jericho: She was…but I was…I was just trying to save her! Come on! You saw it! I barely nudged her!

JBL: Uh huh.

Ralphus: Come on, Mr. Jericho. Before the fuzz shows up.

Flair: The police are coming? The gig’s up! Every man for himself!

Flair runs off, Ralphus leads Jericho away, and Tough Enough Jessie goes back to doing whatever it is she does.

Shawn: Hey! He took my watch!

Meanwhile, in the ring….

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the PDF Girl’s Chocolatechip, and people around here seem to have forgiven that I won the Regal Rumple back in Joinery. Well, I haven’t, and I can challenger for any typo in the whole YMCA! So, Melinder, CP Monk, Sharon Benderman you better watch out, you better not cry, you better not punt, I’m-

Cody Rhodes: Er…Randy? Why are you even out here? This is our match.

Orton: Oh! Right! So, in confusion, sorry for almost kicking Steppenwolf last week. I didn’t mean it. See you later, Takerster!

(ads)

The Lemony vs. Cryme Tyme

Tag teams? On my show? Get out! Seriously, though, it just took me, like, ten minutes to remember that Miz and Morrison are the tag champs. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the little dog show ads they’re running at the bottom of the screen, complete with a little dog just in case you might be a little unclear on the concept of what might be taking place at these dog shows. You know, though, I wonder how many viewers RAW lost every time that came on. “Hmm…The Lemony or poodles…” Cody Rhodes with the “Crossroads with Britney Spears” for the win.

You know who hangs out with celebrities? John Cena. Marvel as Tiger Woods has no idea who Cena is and refuses to speak directly into a WWE microphone! Thrill as Derek Jeter openly wonders whether or not Cena could throw A-Rod out of a window. And Chill, comfortable in the knowledge that, with Ronaldo there, at least one guy in that room is less known to American fans than John Cena.

(ads)

Hey, it’s the Oakland Raiders and they’re pretending to fight! Maybe they’re all looking for new jobs! Of course, you would too if you were a member of the Oakland Raiders.

Kane-

(ads)

Kane, Mike Knox, and Chris Jericho (w/ Ralphus) vs. Rey Misterio, Kofi Kingston, and John Cena

I’ll let it go this time, show, but only because I needed some more Kane tonight. Kofi is Shelton to start. You know, it’s actually nice that the Raiders decided to show up to a show. It’s not like any of them were in Hawaii for the Pro Bowl or anything. And no, I can’t spell Nnamdi Asomugha so don’t get me started. Besides, he’s a Raider in name only. Just like Mike Knox is MIKE KNOX in name only. Cena goes for the F…I’m sorry “Attitude Adjuster,” like ten seconds into the match, but, shockingly, that doesn’t work. Then Kofi tries to double jump off the turnbuckles, and Jericho catches him with a Code Breaker for the win. Jericho wants to celebrate, but Kane and Knox menace him away. Don’t be such jerks, guys. In his haste to get away, Jericho accidentally slams Lillian Garcia off the ring apron, and Ralphus drags him away.

Backstage….

Stephanie McMahon: No, there’s no camera in here. Yes, well, I don’t think this match is such a good idea. Why does Shane always get to wrestle on pay per view? What if I want to do it? I could be the star of WWE No Way Get Out! Just think about it, all right? Or else I could just go ahead and make the match myself. I am the RAW General Manager. Well, Shane’s probably going to need some back-up. Who’ve we got in reserve that could do it? I know! What about Chris Tian. WHAT? Really? Ugh. Poor guy….

Elsewhere, Shawn Michaels is storming around backstage. Look, I know those little fake watches are fun, but give it a rest!

(ads)

Shawn Michaels (w/ John Bradshaw Layfield) vs. Mark Henry (w/ Tony Atlas)

Hahaha! It’s fatty managers night on RAW! I still love seeing Tony Atlas out here, shilling his grills and trying to be friends with Mark Henry. Sure, they could’ve fired him and use that paycheck to keep Paul London employed, but honestly, I think it was well worth the payoff. Shawn just goes ahead and kicks a chair at Henry for the DQ about five seconds into the match. Sombody’s been watching RVD tapes again! And seriously, why not? Save yourself from having to wrestle Mark Henry.

John Bradshaw Layfield: Wait…That’s it? I scheduled this horrific match for you just days before our classic confrontation at No Way Out, and you just go ahead and kick a chair at him after five seconds and it’s over? That’s hardly fair!

Shawn Michaels: Look, you want me to suffer through the indignity of having to try to pull a good match out of you, I’m not going to try to do the same damn thing with Mark Henry.

JBL: Ugh. We even broke the brand barriers to bring him over here! Oh well, whatever. Listen, the important thing is that pretty soon, I’m going to own everything Shawn Michaels. In lieu of that, I’d like you to bring Whyspyr to No Way Out so that she can get a good look at what the real Shawn Michaels looks like. When he’s me!

Shawn: Nah, I’m not bringing Whyspyr. Jericho’ll just punch her again.

Chris Jericho: Oh come on!

Ralphus: Deny everything, Mr. Jericho! You weren’t even there!

(ads)

Hey! It’s CC Sabathia! He may have just signed one of the biggest contracts in baseball, but he’s slumming it down here just like us! And the Oakland Raiders! Have fun on the Yankees, CC! Where all stars go to die!

William Regal (w/ Layla El) vs. CM Punk
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Re-match clause! Epic feud for the ages! Punk/Regal should be headlining Wrestlemania! But neither of them will probably be on the card! Unless Punk is in the Money in the Bank match again! Exclamation point! Punk goes for a Go to Sleep after thirty seconds. Did Stephanie bake everybody a batch of brownies or something? What is the big rush to get these matches over with tonight? “You know what? It’s been less than a minute, time to see if I can hit my finisher.” Punk does hit the Go to Sleep at three minutes, though, for the win. EPIC FEUD FOR THE AGES~!

(ads)

Hey, you know who won another award? Mickey Rourke. It’s still hilarious to see what kind of backtracking WWE is doing on The Wrestler now. Especially given what a horrible view of the industry it gives. All of this is pretty pointless though, considering at this point that he might not even show up to Wrestlemania.

You know who else might not show up to Wrestlemania? Randy Orton! Actually, he probably will. Sorry. He’s going out to the ring right now, maybe he’ll just stay there.

(ads)

Randy Orton vs. The Disemvoiced Body of The Undertaker

Ugh…I wonder what’s going in the Dog Show. Eh. I’m too lazy to look. Probably the swimsuit competition anyway. I can’t believe they’re letting them wear two piecers this year! Scandalous! Did Undertaker get a new entrance? I haven’t seen Smackdown in, like, a year. This is new, right? Every time Taker’s body appears on RAW, it’s a special event. I tried to call up my friends to tell them so that we could have a party, but none of them cared. Michael Cole cares! Actually, I think Michael Cole and I are the only ones that care. Undertaker goes for the Chokeslam…OH COME ON!

(ads)

Those had better be some damn good brownies. I mean…geez. Orton locks in the CHINLOCK~! to slow things down. He must be trying to cut back on his sugar intake or something. Randy Orton: Health Nut. Amongst other things. You know, if there was any guy who I thought I’d be able to make a string of jokes about hitting a girl, I really thought it’d be Orton. He’d hit a girl and he’d like it. He’d like it. Somebody call Weird Al! I think we have a hit on our hands! After a few more minutes of this song and dance, The Lemony runs out and assaults Taker for the DQ. Some people just can’t wait to get their brownie on, I guess. Cody actually looks like he could use a brownie or three, so I’ll give him a pass.

Orton is slinking around the ring, waiting to see if Taker’s body falls over, but before anything can happen, Shane McMahon dances out and hits Randy with the Spear. Taker and Shane make quick work of The Lemony, and soon it’s just DiBiase in the ring alone with Shane. Shane sets him up in the corner with a trash can and hits the Van Terminator while Randy Orton looks on with vague disinterest. Um…For No Way Out, might I suggest a bigger trash can?

Sunday Sunday Sunday: In an act of self defense, Chris Jericho will hit Kelly Kelly Kelly with a Code Breaker. Also, Shane McMahon will join The Lemony, if for no other reason than because none of the rest of that storyline makes any sense. And also? Chris Tian will show up just to cry.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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