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Break the (cardboard) Walls Down~! 

March 4, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: John Cena fought Chavo Guerrero in the most competitive RAW main event in a long, long time. Seriously. Check it back. It was a womenís match a few weeks ago. Also, CM Punk won a spot in the Money in the Bank match, much to the delight ofÖone person? And also, Triple H engaged in a hilarious chase with The Lemony. Who will chase themÖTONIGHT?!
(Opening Credits)

Iím hoping they get chased off by some Geese. But then again when was the last time this show gave me what I wanted? Hey! Piperís Pit! I didnít want this either. But itís Piperís Pit done as it was always meant to be done. By Chris Jericho. If Jericho doesnít push over this set by the end of the segment, I quit.

Chris Jericho: So you know everything Iíve said over the last few months about old people being old and selling out and going out of their way to relive their glory days? Well, now Iím hosting Piperís Pit, and I donít know what that says about me, exactly, except that Iím just as much of a whore as any of them, Iím just younger and hide it better. Anyway, Iím pretty sure Iím just doing this to hawk the video game, which is kind of cool. At least I didnít have to dress up in a costume and call myself ďSuicideĒ or anything like that. Now, for the next stop in the Chris Jericho, Legend Kill Guy tour, hereís Superfly Jimmy Snuka!

Superfly Jimmy Snuka: WWFFaaaaahuuuuush!

Jericho: Yeah. I remember when you got hit by a coconut. ThatísÖkind of the thing weíre playing up here.

Snuka: Hannnnnnahhhhhmontannaaaaaaah!

Jericho: UhhÖYeah, I realize that I said that Iíd never host a talk show again because wrestling is serious business. ButÖwho are you to complain? Nobodyís understood a single thing youíve said in twenty years, man! And yet you still go to all these Indy Showcases and backyard wrestling events in your tiger print pajamas and expect people to want to cheer for you. Canít you just go back to Fiji and chill out for the rest of your life?

Snuka: Caaaaaaptaiiiiincaaaaaveman!

Jericho: Itís different for me! Iím from Canada. Nobody wants to go to Canada. Ok, whatever. Iím done with this. I canít believe you actually came out here to do a civil interview with me after Iíve kicked everybody else in the crotch. Hereís a bag full of props. Carrot Top it up.

Snuka goes after the coconut (of course!) and very slowly menaces Chris Jericho. Iím not saying that Jimmy Snuka chasing after me with a piece of fruit wouldnít be a terrifying experience, but heís kind of justÖshambling after Jericho, and Chris looks kind of bored. Poor Jericho. Itís going to be so sad when he ends up jobbing to The Repo Man at Wrestlemania. WaitÖis Repo Man in the video game? And when exactly did this feud stop being about that movie? I was really hoping Marissa Tomei was going to show up at Mania this year. Thatís been my, like, life long dream.

Anyway Jericho runs back behind the cardboard Piperís Pit set and pushes it down on top of Snuka. I totally called that. Break Down the Walls, Jericho! Snuka acts like he got killed as the wall sort of justÖbends around him. Then, hilariously, an even bigger chunk hits Jericho and he totally no-sells it. Maybe it was because he saw it coming. The shock of being hit by 8 feet of cardboard is worse than the impact. Speaking of Impact, this segment wouldíve been a lot more entertaining of Don West was trying to sell pieces of the set as they were falling on top of Snuka. Jericho kicks Superfly in the balls, and then feeds him a banana. See? Heís not all bad.


Jamie Noble: Arenít you going to go do something?

Sim Snuka: Hecks no! Iím not allowed on this show. Besides, heís not even my real father!

Tough Enough Jessie: But he is mine! WWAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Sim: WaitÖReally?

T.E. Jessie: No! I donít know who my real father is! WAAAAAAAAAAH!


Rey Misterio vs. Mike Knox vs. Kane
In a Money in the Bank Qualifying Match

Youíll remember from earlier in the Satire, that CM Punk qualified last week. And if you donít wellÖitís all still up there if you want to go back and read it. Otherwise youíll just have to take my word for it. Hey, remember when Kane was in a movie? Well, See No Evil has finally gone into syndication. Just in case you wanted it to be in more venues for you not to watch. And thereís the double boot to the face to take out Knox and Kane. Itís just too bad Rey is still wandering around the arena looking for kids in Rey Misterio masks to butt heads with. Dude! Thereís kind of a match going on right now, and youíre kind of in it. Hello? Rey? Oh forget it.


Sadly, I donít think you can get counted out in a triple threat match. So the story of the match is that each guy has a chance to win, but theyíre having trouble keeping both guys down long enough to score a pin. Actually, thatís the story of every one of these matches, Iím just filling space because thereís nothing going on. You know who would be an awesome opponent for Jericho at Wrestlemania? Todd Bridges. Think about it. Who better fuses the celebrity culture of The Wrestler with the legendary glow that comes from being trained by Hulk Hogan. I mean, besides Trishelle. And everybody else. OH! You know who Jericho should wrestle? John Cenaís character from 12 Rounds. Think about it! Knox takes out Rey, but gets hit with a choke slam. Kane wins! Kane is going to Wrestlemania! I guess Knoxís beard shield didnít do its job.

Backstage, Vladimir Kozlov is enjoying a nice, romantic staredown with a wall.


Todd Grisham is standing by with Shawn Michaels.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and Iím standing by with Shawn Michaels, and Shawn Iíve got to ask, what are you thinking?! The Undertaker? Oh yeah, that guyís going to lose. Good call, man! Why not wrestle Jericho again or something? This is just dumb on your part.

Shawn Michaels: Let me put it to you this way, Todd, itís either this or wrestle JBL again.

Grisham: Touche.

Shawn: So now itís up to me to go down to that ring and do what no one, save for eleven other guys in non-singles matches, has ever done! Beat Vladimir Kozlov.

Grisham: Never heard of him.




Alexis Laree and Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Jillian Hall and Beth Phoenix (w/ Santino Marella and Rosa Mendes)

Do you really think a womenís tag match is the best place to test my patience, show? Really? Even worse, they have Melina and Maryse on commentary for this match. Melina has literally nothing to say, and Maryse just giggles in a French accent for the entire match. ItísÖHonestly more insightful than Lawler and Cole. But still. The thing I like most about Kellyís offense is how deliberate it is. Watch her wrestle next time (Iím really sorry Iím making you do this, but if I have to, so do you), they pause for, like, ten seconds, after every move! Even if itís a kick. Kelly wins with a roll-up off the top (!). After the match, Rosa, Beth, Jillian, Kelly, and Alexis all get into a brawl while Maryse takes a break from not talking to DDT Melina. Way to devalue RAWís top champion guys!

Hey! The Lemony are walking with their lawyers and The Police. I guess Sting will do anything to get away from Kurt Angle.


The Lemony has taken up residence in the ring. Beth looks kind of rough. I hope she can lawyer after that thrilling brawl she just had with Kelly.

Randy Orton: It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan! Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the HGH GirlsĎ Chocolatechip! And I donít know who Chad Jeritron thinks he is, but thereís only one guy who kills Legends here! And it is I, Ranky Q. Morgan! Legend Kill Guy and-

Cody Rhodes: Randy, maybe you should move on.

Orton: Right! Iím challengering the winner of the Hudge and Joe Cedar match tonight at Wigglestralia! Oh yeah! You thought Iíd challenger Triopoly H, but I wonít! Because heís he tried to kill me last week, and thereís only one guy who kills Legends here! And it is I-

Ted DiBiasi: What Randyís trying to say is that weíre afraid of Triple H.

Beth Phoenix, Ace Attorney: And for that reason, weíre filing charges against him for assault with a deadly weapon.

Rhodes: Really? We can do that? I mean, this is pro-wrestling. We assault people with deadly weapons all the damn time.

Beth: Shut up.

Triple H: Randy, I donít know what your deal is, man. Are you still pissed off about that time where I kicked you out of Evolution because you won the title instead of me? Or all those PEDIGREES TO ORTON~!? I meanÖI guess theyíve clearly had an effect on your mental state, and Iím sorry about that. I really am. And you know what? I donít blame you for trying to kill Vince. Iíve tried to do it a billion times. And I donít even blame you for trying to kill Shane, Iíve wanted to do that for years. And I should probably thank you for making Stephanie fall over. Heh. I have to admit that was pretty neat. But what are you trying to prove here exactly? That you can lose to me at Wrestlemania too? I mean, I guess we have been trying to have this match for five years now. So why not wrestle me?

Orton: I donít leanto.

HHH: Come on!

Orton: No!

HHH: Come oooooooon!

Orton: OK! Frown! Iíll westfall you!

Shawn Michaels vs. Vladimir Kozlov

For the ďHonorĒ of Losing to The Undertaker at Wrestlemania

Kozlov already beat Undertaaker once, so thatís supposed to mean something, I guess. You know who else beat Undertaker? A-Train. Iím just saying. And at least A-Train was Intercontinental Champion! Vlad pretty much beats the crap out of Shawn for about fifteen minutes. Including reversing the Figure Four about twelve seconds after Shawn tried to put it on. Wow they really want this guy to get over, donít they. Heís worse than Cena! Shawn bails and reconsiders whether or winning his life back was worth jobbing to Vladimir Kozlov. JBL never wouldíve made him do this!


Shawn goes for the flying forearm, and Vlad head butts him out of the air. Well geez. Usually guys have the manners enough to let him hit his five moves, even if theyíre going to beat him. Torture Rack! Love it! Vladamir Kozlov is the most ridiculous wrestler in the world. If this was 1985, he would be my favorite guy on the roster. Bearhug! Did Warlord train this guy or something? Shawn finally knocks Vlad off his feet and gets the elbow drop. Superkick to Kozlov and thatís it. Good to see you getting some offense in there, Shawn! After the match, The Disemvoiced Body of the Undertaker storms out and stands next to some pyro while Shawn kind of just shrugs in the ring. Feud for the ages!

The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: I donít care what any of you say. Iím challenging Kung Funaki.


John Cena stars in 12 Rounds. I thought the plot to 11 Rounds was better, but maybe the series will take a turn with this one.

Next entrant into the Hall of Fame? Bill Watts. Does this mean Erik is going to get in? Hey, Jim Ross is doing the induction speech! Maybe heíll quote the Satire! Hereís a good line, Jim: ďThe Hall of Fame needs more Watts!Ē Thanks ahead of time for the shout out!

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Edge.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and Iím standing by with Edge, and Edge, Iíve got to ask you, manÖWhy? Generally, youíve been a pretty cool guy over the years, why come crawling back to RAW to fight John Cena? Youíre above this! Stay hidden over on Smackdown where no one will ever see you!

Edge: You donít know what itís like over there, man! I have to hang out with Kizarny! Wrestling is halfway serious here on RAW! Can a girl get a salad here?

Grisham: ItísÖeven worse on Smackdown? How is that even possible?

Edge: Youíve got it good over here, man. I didnít really appreciate what I had here on RAW until I came back last week.

Grisham: RAW really is the best brand. My God.

And with that, Todd Grisham explodes. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Edge: So is that a no on the salad?


John Cena vs. Edge
For the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

An actual main event? Holy crap! They even do the serious ring introductions and everything. Well, as serious as Lillian Garcia ever gets, anyway. Cena gets a mixed reaction, which is too bad because West Blueberry is, like, right outside the arena. Lawler says that John Cenaís Dad is in the crowd tonight, but I donít believe it. You know full well heíd make sure to get on camera at some point. I imagine they couldnít pay his appearance fee. John Cenaís Dad commands a huge number. Heís the Albert Haynesworth of professional wrestling dads.


Cena with the Throwback. Wow, he must be really serious about this match. I havenít even seen him try that move in a couple years. Of course, he ruins it by going for the Five Knuckle Shuffle immediately thereafter, which is dumb. He takes so long, that Edge pops up and takes him down. They trade submission holds for a little bit, and Edge finally gets sick of it. As much as he hates Smackdown, he canít stand to have these endless feuds with John Cena. He goes outside the ring and grabs his belt. WWE RAW Referee Mi-mi-mi-mi-miiiiike Chioda stops him from hitting Cena, and John gets him up for theÖahemÖĒAttitude Adjuster,Ē but Edge manages to get the belt back and nails Cena in the face for the DQ. Thatís how much he wants this damn feud to be over. Poor Edge. He leads such a hard life! Hey! Itís Vickie Guerrero! I wonder if sheís going to cut one of her awesome promos this week!

Vickie Guerrero: Excuse me! Excuuuuuuuuuse me! Big Show is the new number one contender.

Edge looks kind of shocked, but Iím not. Theyíve got to justify Showís contract somehow!

Next Week: John Cena desperately tries to qualify for the Money in the Bank match so that he can win the ECW Title. Also, Chris Jericho attacks The Berzerker. And Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker play skeeball to kill time until Shawn jobs to Taker at Mania.


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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