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Needs More Chicken Parmesan 

March 21, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker reminded us why Taker isnít allowed to do live promos anymore. John Cena declared his undying love for stupid romance angles. Also, Triple H and Randy Orton took part in the most hilarious episode of Cops ever. EVER?! TONIGHT!!!!
(Opening Credits)

Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker vs. Vladamir Kozlov and John Bradshaw Layfield

Yes, I realize that my question in the intro wasnít really a question. What do you care anyway? I still think they made a mistake changing Kozlovís music. The track that he had on the old WWE The Music CD was this perfect Russian anthem circa 1988. 

This song just makes him sound like heís coming home from a gay disco scene in a Transporter movie. I just took that metaphor about six levels too far, but I think you know what I mean. Shawnís been in the match this whole time. Hey! Theyíre in San Antonio!


Taker apparently finally tagged in during the break, stood around for a few minutes, and then tagged back out when the commercial was over. Shawn and JBL fight for a while. Remember when that was a thing? Heh. Iím so glad weíre past that. Taker finally tags in and beats up Kozlov for what seems like a half hour. This is the Wrestlemania match you know Taker wanted. Gotta fight the mid-card heel flavor of the month to pad the stats! Taker with the Chokeslam, but Michaels tags back in and hits a Superkick too, and then steals the pin for himself. HA! Heís still got it! Taker chases Shawn out of the ring, but when they get to the top of the ramp, Shawn levels him with a Superkick. The crowd goes nuts, not just because itís his home town, but because Shawn Michaels being a dick rules.


Backstage, Vickie Guerrero is talking to Edge, and I really hope she promos the hell out of this segment without just quoting The Rock.

Vickie Guerrero: Edge, Iím sorry Iím having sex with John Cena and The Big Show.

Edge: Eh, I canít stay mad at you, Vickie. After all, Iím still having sex with Lita and my ex-wife. Besides, if Randy Orton can get married a couple months after having a relationship with Kelly Kelly Kelly serious enough for Kane to get involved, this can happen to anybody.

Vickie: Yes, yes. Needs more Kane.

Edge: Shh! Donít actuallyÖsay that out loud, ok? Heíll probably come down here and start you on fire, or give you some chicken parmesan or something.

Vickie: But I love chicken parmesan!

Edge: Not this stuff. Trust me.

Vickie: Big Show does have a big penis though.

Edge: I really didnít need to hear that.

Vickie: I know. Iím just saying.

Edge: Well, how about just not.

Vickie: I love you, Edge.

Edge: I love me too, Vickie. I love me too.

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with The Lemony.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and Iím standing by with The Legacy, and guys-

Ted DiBiase: It actually really is ďThe Lemony,Ē Todd.

Grisham: Really?

Cody Rhodes: Yeah. It doesnít make any sense to us either.

Randy Orton: Toddster, it is I, Ranky Q. Morgan! Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WOG Girlís Chocolatechip. And Iím shore youíre aspirating to your self, ďToddster, why didnít Ranky press churches against Triopoly H after his asphalt last week?Ē

Grisham: Sort of.

Orton: This is progressional wrestle wings, Toddster. Donít be stupid. Pinapple asphalt each other all the times. Plus, did you see my wipe? Sheís totally haunt!

Grisham: And brain-dead.

Orton: Sheís portrait for me! Anyway, 888, at Wigglestralia, Iím going to end your carís ear, you hog styled maniac!


Layla El, Jillian Hall, and Beth Phoenix (w/ Santino Marella and Rosa Mendez) vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly, Alexis Laree, and Melina

Santinoís on commentary, which is nice. The guy hasnít cut an extended promo since, like, July of last year. Howís he supposed to stay over? His eyebrows can only do so much! Look, I know thereís only, like, five face women on this roster, but would it have been too much to ask for to give Kelly the night off here? Really? Beth and Alexis start, go about three minutes, and then Melina sneaks in and rolls Beth up (Thatís her move!) for the win. Jillian and Layla were just happy to be out here tonight. Kelly, probably not so much.


Triple H vs. Cody Rhodes (w/ Randy Orton and Ted DiBiase)

Hunter hits the PEDIGREE TO RHODES~! and then spends ten minutes wandering around waving a sledgehammer at Orton and DiBiase. He finally gets sick of that, so he has the gods from on-high lower a steel cage onto the ring. Orton and DiBiase, brilliant minds that they are, cannot figure out how to keep Hunter distracted long enough for one of them to attack him, especially when heís wielding Cody Rhodesí lifeless body as a weapon. Oh, so itís going to be one of those feuds, is it? Hunter finally gets sick of this too, so he just pins Cody. Then he goes up to the top of the cage and dangles his feet down, and essentially getting himself stuck and probably seriously injured if he was fighting a group with more than one brain cell to pass around. Hunterís seriously the fourth dumbest person in this feud. It did let me get a good laugh at the thought of Hunter trying to jump off the top of the cage at Orton though.


Ric Flair is currently styliní and profiliní at an autograph signing in Joshís momís basement.

Rey Misterio vs. Dolph Ziggler

You know? What the hell, right? The announcers talk about how Rey gets injured before Mania every year, and poor Rey doesnít even get a promo to challenge JBL to a match. Michael Cole does it for him. Hell, they donít even getÖan angle. Rey is clearly trying to decide on a Mania outfit one item at a time. Heís seriously wearing ten different outfits right now. Just go dressed as Batman, Rey. Just like everybody knows you will. Rey with a 619 and the faux frogsplash for the win. See you next month, Dolph! Hopefully youíll have a character by then!


Chris Jericho is out, and given the lack of referee, match announcement, or chance in hell that this match is going to happen, Iíd guess this match probably isnít going to happen. Letís let Chris Jericho justify this segmentís existence, shall we?

Chris Jericho: I know what youíre all thinking, but I donít have to justify this segmentís existence. I knew that Ric Flair wouldnít be ďThe ManĒ enough to show up here tonight. Heís probably sitting in some guyís basement right now signing autographs and hitting on his teenage daughter. How dare you, Flair? How dare you honor your stupid fakey retirement and refuse to wrestle me at this random RAW? This is serious business right here!

Ric Flair: WOO! Retire me? Iím already retired! Retire me?! Iím already retired!!

Jericho: Then why did you bother showing up? Just to look old on national TV?

Flair: I may not be able to beat you in a match, but I know some people that also are not capable of beating you in a match!

Why, itís Superfly Jimmy Snuka, Ricky ďThe DragonĒ Steamboat, and Rowdy Roddy Piper! All the people heís ďwrongedĒ over the past month. What are the odds of this? The oldies surround the ring, very, very slowly, and take their positions. Piper is the first to act, rolling into the ring and disjointing his fake hip. Snukaís soon to follow, mumbling incoherently and wandering off into the crowd. Steamboat and Flair hit the ring to beat down Jericho, but he had already left a half hour ago while he was waiting for the legends to get to their spots.


Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Chris Jericho.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and Iím standing by with Chris Jericho, and Chris, I have to ask you, what the hell was that all about?

Jericho: Hell if I know, Todd. Look, I guess Iím supposed to be here challenging all three of them to a match, and thatís all well and good, because thereís no reason I canít beat three pensioners into submission, but Iím legitimately afraid Iím going to break one of them. Did you see Piper out there tonight? That guyís hip might break off in my hand! Whatever. Look, itís going to be awful, so why doesnít Flair come down to dance around outside the ring every time one of them tries to gum my face off, and then weíll put Mickey Rourke up there front and center to maximize the spectacle. At least Jeff Hardy will have someone to talk to.

Grisham: That doesnít sound like serious business at all, Chris.

Jericho: You know what else doesnít sound like serious business? Your face.

Grisham: Oh. Good one. Zing.

Shelton Benjamin, Kane, and Mark Henry (w/ Tony Atlas) vs. Kofi Kingston, Montel Vontavious Porter, and CM Punk

Chris Tian, Finlay, and Hornswoggle are on commentary, which isÖinteresting. So what, weíre not going to get the Brothers Tian reunion tonight? Pfft. I also notice that they didnít really do a good job splitting the Faces/Heels for this match, and also, I had no clue that MVP was a face. When did that happen? Kofi and Shelton start the match, and my head just exploded. Seriously, did they do that just to blow my mind?! How can you wrestle yourself?! Is thisÖlike an existential crisis heís going through or something? Even WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance doesnít seem to know quite how to deal with the cold reality of this situation, so he asks another two, any other two, start this match.


Itís Kane and Kofi now, which makes more sense. Chris Tian and Hornswoggle are having a fistfight at the announce table, which lets me realize theyíre about the same size. Things devolve and Mark Henry gets involved, which is fun because this is the first time Tony Atlas has even paid attention to this match. And MVP gets in there too! I forgot he was even in this match! Punk with the GTS on Shelton, which makes Finlay happy, because somebodyís finally attacking their own teammates. Punk, MVP, and Kofi win!


Vickie Guerrero: How did I manage to look even more frumpy in this refereeís shirt? I thought referee shirts were supposed to make everybody look amazing.

The Big Show: Yeah, well, not you or Mick Foley, I guess.

Vickie: Show, are you just using me to advance your career? Or are you just using me for my hot bod?

Show: Vickie, Iím just using you to make my wife jealous so sheíll stop hiding my cookies.

Vickie: I can respect that.

Show: But I think Edge is using you to further his career.

Vickie: I know, right? True love!


Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Triple H.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and Iím standing by with Triple H. Hunter, before you get into your stupid looking black Hummer, I have to ask you, what dark magicks did you use to make that cage that nobody noticed earlier appear and then lower down onto the ring?

Triple H: Todd, get out of my way before I run you over with my car.

Grisham: No!

Hunter climbs into his ridiculous Hummer and makes out with Stephanie McMahon, who apparently was faking her horrible injury from falling over this whole time! Grisham stands defiantly in front of the vehicle, but HHH manages to avoid running him over. Grisham looks a little disappointed, but heís quickly flattened by a speeding rental car. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Kane: Aw dammit. Sorry, Todd.


Edge vs. John Cena
With Special Guest Referee Vickie Guerrero

The story of the match is that if John even so much as touches Vickie, heís out of the Wrestlemania match. I guess thatís what he gets for playing all his cards last week. I canít tell if John Cena is even stupider than Triple H or not. Unless Cena has some other dirt on Vickie or something. She has a third nipple! She shops for clothes at Walgreens! Big Show rambles out and he and Edge beat on Cena for a while. What a nice couple they make! Show goes to punch Cena out, and Edge Spears him. What a jerk! All he was doing was trying to help you! And have sex with your wife! AndÖThatís it, I guess. Cena wins by count out, then?

Next Week: Kofi and Shelton have a singles match to really mess with my head. Cena one-ups Vickie Guerrero by threatening to not participate in the match if Big Show or Edge touch her. And The Undertaker attempts a live promo again, and ends up challenging Hornswoggle to a match at a ROH show somehow.


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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