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RAW SATIRE    
So NOT Like a Movie 

March 27, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Shawn Michaels shocked The Undertaker by actually acting like Shawn Michaels for once. Triple H used the power of Stephanie McMahon to lower a cage on…Cody Rhodes, which is kind of a waste if you think about it. And Edge, Big Show, and John Cena agreed to share custody of Vickie Guerrero. Who will get her…TONIGHT?!
 
(Opening Credits)

Ric Flair is already in the ring when we get here, so this must be an action packed episode. You don’t short Ric Flair his entrance, you guys.

Ric Flair: They sent me out here before the show even started so that I could STYLE WOO! AND BY GOD PROFILE! Chris Jericho? CHRIS! JERICHO! I accept the challenge that I, myself, 

basically made to you last week. You’re going to take on Rowdy Roddy Piper, “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka, and Ricky Steamboat in a “Retirement Home Match” at Wrestlemania. It’s not exactly Jericho/Michaels, but WOO! Retire me? I’m already retired! RETIRE ME?! I’M ALREADY RETIRED!

We cut to Chris Jericho walking backstage.

Chris Jericho: That’s great, Ric. In your fantasy world, I’m sure this is going to be an awesome match, but this is the real world.

Two crew members walk by carrying a “New York City Skyline” set piece.

Jericho: This isn’t like the “movies,” Ric. Mickey Rourke isn’t going to come out here and do a “Ram Jam” and get a lap dance from Marissa Tomei.

A handler leads a flock of emus past Jericho.

Jericho: Ric, this is serious bus-Emus? Really?

Tough Enough Jessie: How else are we going to promote John Cena’s new movie 12 Rounds?

Jericho: There are emus in 12 Rounds? Is that one of the rounds? Emus?

T.E. Jessie: We couldn’t find any ostriches on such short notice! WAAAAAAAAH!

A man in a banana suit dances into the shot.

Jericho: You know what? I’m going to go ahead and go out to the ring.

Jericho walks past the Tiki bar and the Rockettes out to the ring.

Jericho: Just like Mickey Rourke blew the Oscars, your team of Legends is going to blow at Wrestlemania, Ric. And then we’ll see who the real legend is.

Flair: Jericho? JERICHO! The old men will beat you in the most embarrassing loss in Wrestlemania history! And then Mickey Rourke will put you in a pink fur coat and cry about his dead dog. WOOOO!

Then Jericho punches him, because Flair’s kind of being a jerk here. All Jericho ever wanted was a match at Wrestlemania, Ric! Geez. Cut him some slack. They brawl for a while, by which I mean that Jericho punches Flair and Ric “Woos” and bleeds all over. Flair is quickly shoeless, in a clear tribute to Jimmy Snuka. The crowd chants “You Suck” because they’re…not so creative. I guess that‘s what you get for living in Kansas City. Weren‘t they supposed to be in the middle of a 900 show stretch in Texas right now? Lawler gives us “indignation” while he’s sitting there drinking a soda. Jericho grabs a camera guy’s camera and smacks Flair in the face with it. This is basically his dream job. Now he only exists to pay Hogan back for what an asshole he was in WCW. Then, Chris steals Flair’s Retirement watch and stomps all over it. Well that wasn’t nice. Cole starts bitching about how Shawn Michaels gave Flair that watch, but I’m pretty sure it was Triple H, wasn’t it? Either way, this segment probably wasn’t the best way to endear yourself to Hunter, Chris.

(ads)

Jeff Hardy vs. Dolph Ziggler
In an Extreme Rules Match

The best way to prepare for fighting Matt Hardy, of course, is taking on Dolph Ziggler. Actually, now that I think about it, it’s not a bad way of preparing to take on Matt Hardy, really. Jeff looks like The Boogeyman if he was a Kabuki dancer. Which is an amusing combination now that I think about it. Dolph has no idea how to sell the Twist of Fate. Pretty much every wrestler does a variation on that move in the Indies. Didn’t he learn it at some point in there? This guy is never going to wrestle Randy Orton at this rate. Maybe he just takes the word “Twist” too literally. Jeff hits Dolph with a chair because it’s *hilarious,* and he gets a Swanton for the win. Afterwards, Jeff has some words for us.

Jeff Hardy: AAAGH! MATT?! EXTREME RULES! YEAAAAAAH!

Jeff Hardy is the best promo giver ever. Meanwhile, John Cena is at “The Tonight Show,” which apparently is still Jay Leno. Hey, do you suppose he could show up at Mania and wrestle Jericho?

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo! YO! YO! YOOOOO!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Vickie’s got a big ass,
And a Big Show too!

Do you love Edge?
Do you love me?
Do you love 12 Rounds?
Coming soon to DVD?

I’m here in Cali,
To promote my new movie,
And Mania, I guess,
And Vickie’s big booty!

Gonna meet the Idol Judges,
And Seacrest, so dreamy!
Giving Simon Cowell a copy,
Of my CD You Can’t See Me!

But Vickie G, I miss you,
You’ll always be my Dear,
And after Wrestlemania,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Er…Will be here, anyway.

(ads)

Montel Vontavious Porter, CM Punk, Kofi Kingston and Chris Tian vs. Shelton Benjamin, Mark Henry, Fit Finlay, and Kane (w/ Tony Atlas)

Please, just don’t let Shelton and Kofi interact in this match. My brain can’t take it tonight. This is, of course, the exact same as last week’s six man tag, but with Finlay and Tian assigned to teams. Given that they’re both faces, they drew straws and Dave was forced to team with Mark Henry. This means that Hornswoggle will be hidden away until after the match, where it’s more appropriate to bring up the fact that Finlay is more Shamrock Shake than Drunken Irishman these days. Not that I don’t love Shamrock Shakes. Ric Flair starts randomly talking over the house mic, which is the greatest production gaffe in the history of our great sport. I think it was actually audio from earlier which is even better. Fire the sound guy? He’s already fired! Fire the sound guy?! He’s already fired! WOOO!

(ads)

People are cheering for Punk again which is weird. When did this start happening exactly? Certainly not while he was champion. This match needs a little more Kane, so he punches Punk in the face. Wasn’t he supposed to start eviscerating people? Isn’t that what he told Kelly Kelly Kelly a couple months ago? What the hell happened to that? Everybody starts hitting “moves” on each other which means we’re getting to the end game. Don’t they know they’re supposed to be doing their finishers? Do most of these guys even have finishers? Mark Henry’s “move” is that he runs into Kofi. That’s a good one! Christian with the Unprettier or whatever we’re calling it now on Shelton for the win. After the match, Tian and Punk have a stare down which is interrupted by Finlay hitting everyone with a ladder. Which is cool. Then he and Hornswoggle dance around singing a song about Irish Spring. Which is not.

(ads)

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Randy Orton.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Randy Orton. Randy, do have anything interesting to say about your match at Wrestlemania?

Randy Orton: Toddster, it is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WHY Girl’s Chocolatechip. And I’m not soggy that I attacked Vance McCans, Shawn-O-Mike, and Steppenwolf! But Humper should be ashamed of himself for asphalting me in my home, scaring my fake wipe, and breaking my lounging room window! Well to fight, I’m going to take him on with my breast fiend Todd DeGrasse in a Handi-wipe match!

Grisham: So, no then?

Orton: Nope.

Todd Grisham is stampeded by a pack of emus. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Tough Enough Jessie: No! Bad emus! That won’t promote 12 Rounds! WAAAAAH!

Edge v-

But wait, first Vickie Guerrero is being pushed out in a wheel chair by Chavo Guerrero. It’s nice to see Chavo finally being useful.

(ads)

Edge vs. The Big Show

Cene agets on the Titan Tron to make fun of them for a few minutes from his green room. Show and Edge trade segments where they punch each other and look over at Vickie for approval, and she ignores them. Dammit, Chavo, why did you push her out here? You’re not useful at all! Show gets Edge wrapped up in the ropes, so Vickie gets Chavo to go into the ring to stop Show from hitting him. WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance gives up the ghost on this whole thing and just leaves. Well, that was nice. Chavo manages to stop Show, and Edge gets untangled and spears Chavo. Ok. That’s kind of rude. Show realizes this, and punches Edge in the face. Thanks for coming out tonight, Chavo!

(ads)

Rey Misterio vs. William Regal (w/ John Bradshaw Layfield and Layla El)

Regal comes out in JBL’s limo to JBL’s music to do JBL’s bidding. Actually, I think he just likes Bradshaw’s music as much as the rest of us. Mooo! Bradshaw is on commentary, and as much as I like him as an announcer, he says absolutely nothing the whole time, which is nice. Regal takes Rey down and while everybody’s checking on him to make sure he’s not injured (again), Rey kicks William in the head. That’s not exactly something I would teach the kids there, Mr. Misterio. Incidentally, if I ever write a rap album, I’m pretty sure I’ll call it “Mister Misterio.” If ICP hasn’t already beaten me to that, I guess. Rey wins and after the match he goes ahead and kicks JBL too for good measure. That’s why the children look up to him, I guess.

(ads)

Hey, it’s The Undertaker. Haven’t we learned better than to let him do live promos, guys? Guys?

The Undertaker: Last week, Shawn Michaels kicked me in the head. Or something. Look, I really don’t remember anything that happened before five this afternoon. Oh yeah! Except for that one time when my ex-wife beat up DDP. And when I broke Shawn Michaels’ back, which caused him to miss five years of wrestling, but only after he wrestled, like, a hundred more matches.

But wait! What’s this on the Titan Tron? Shawn Michaels in a cemetery? You don’t say!

Shawn Michaels: Undertaker! I’m not at RAW tonight. No, instead I thought I’d come to this cemetery because making fun of you from a cemetery worked so well for John Cena a few years ago. But…uh…It’s kind of cold out here, and pretty creepy. Do you…are there vampires out here? I mean what is this, some kind of movie cemetery or something? There’s weird looking old gravestones and a crypt…somebody’s playing an organ…Stop playing that organ, you’re freaking me out!

The Maestro: Sorry! I thought it added ambiance!

Michaels: Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah. So do you think I’m impressed by your winning streak Undertaker? 16-0? Let’s see here who you’ve beaten. Jimmy Snuka at the tail end of his career, or what would’ve been the tail end of his career if he weren’t still wrestling. Jake Roberts, who I’m pretty sure was high the whole match. Giant Gonzales which…uh…yeah. King Kong Bundy just before the rolls of fat overtook his body. Nash, which, and don’t get me wrong, I love the guy, but I don’t think he was trying very hard. Sid, of course, who threatened to attack someone with a squeegee and then crapped his pants. Bossman in a Hell in a Cell match, which I don’t even remember. Kane, twice, which would be impressive if everybody didn’t beat Kane. Then you beat Hunter and then Flair, so I applaud you for having two actual matches, and then A-Train and Big Show which you would’ve lost if not for the help of frigging Nathan Jones. Orton, ooookay. Then Mark Henry in a Casket Match, which sadly didn’t end his career. And what? Dave? Edge? Look, that’s maybe…three and a half actual matches in there, and I’m pretty sure you were juicing for at least one of them. So…you know what? I’ve totally lost my point in there, so I’m just going to Superkick a tombstone and dig a hole and you pretend to be terrified, ok?

Papa Shango: BOO!

Michaels: AH! What the hell are you doing here?

Shango: You’re the one in the graveyard. It’s time once again for Shawn Michaels to come aboard the HOoooooooooooO Train!

Michaels: I don’t think Whyspyr would appreciate that very much.

Shango: What if I tell you the secret to beating The Undertaker?

Michaels: I think I’ve got this one.

Shango: It’s his urn! Take that and he’ll be powerless!

Michaels: That’s…an interesting theory.

Shango: It’s better than these crappy vignettes in a fake cemetery.

Meanwhile, in the ring, Undertaker has fallen asleep. Wake up, Dead Man! You’re supposed to be terrified!

(ads)

Santino Marella (w/ Beth Phoenix and Rosa Mendes) vs. Alexis Laree (w/ Kelly Kelly Kelly and Melina)
In a One Arm Tied Behind Santino’s Back Match

That’s one of Santino’s arms, not both his and Alexis’. Santino starts things off claiming that if he can beat Alexis here, that he’ll have proven that he’s man enough to be Miss Wrestlemania. Actually, I think all the eye liner does a pretty good job of that. So are Canadians just getting hockey scores this whole time? Anyway, she pretends to tie Santino’s other hand behind his back too, and the rope comes off, and Santino just ends up looking like (more of) an idiot just clasping his hands behind his back. He almost makes up for it by trying to climb the turnbuckles with just his ears, but Alexis kicks him in the face for the win instead. King makes sure to mention the fact that Melina and Kelly are there, despite the fact that neither did a damn thing during the match. I’m guessing none of them is going to be in Playboy this year?

(ads)

Randy Orton and Ted-

(ads)

Randy Orton and Ted DiBiase vs. Triple H
In a Handicap Match

Oh, show. Don’t test me. Dammit! I almost made it two whole weeks without mentioning Test. This is all Shawn Michaels’ fault. Lawler spends a good portion of this time challenging Chris Jericho to a match next week. Where is RAW next week? Memphis, Texas? That will sure teach him, Jerry! Sure, you did nothing to stop him attacking Flair, but next week…Oh next week things will be different! So, I just looked up where RAW was going to be next week, and it’s in Dallas (naturally), but Yahoo’s description of the event is fantastic. “World Wrestling Entertainment performs nationally in the country's largest venues. 'Sunday Night Heat,' Monday night's 'Raw is War' and 'Smackdown' on Thursday nights are some of the most popular shows on cable and broadcast television.” What, was that written five years ago? I half expect there to be a listing for Thunder in here somewhere. They don’t even call it “Internet Heat!”

You’ll notice that I’m not talking about the match, mostly because there wasn’t one. Hunter went for the sledgehammer and pulled out Cody Rhodes instead, wearing a Wrestlemania T-Shirt, like he’s Tommy Dreamer or something. Hunter registers disappointment for, like, ten seconds, which is enough time for The Lemony to handcuff him to the ropes and start a beat down. Only, Hunter isn’t going to sell for the lesser Lemons, and he swats them away until Orton kicks him down. The Orton gets the sledgehammer (why doesn’t he just swing Cody?), and threatens to murder Hunter unless Stephanie comes down and saves him.

So…didn’t Hornswoggle see Cody down there? Were they, like, playing cards or something? “Oops, I think I hear Finlay hitting people with a ladder. Gotta go! Nice chatting with you, Cody!” If so, he’s kind of an asshole for not telling Hunter.

Stephanie comes flouncing out, and begs Orton not to hit Hunter, so Randy gets her with a DDT instead. The crowd goes wild, which is kind of cool. I like Kansas City a lot more now. Except the move straight from that to chanting for Shawn Michaels, who is totally in a cemetery right now, hello! Orton looks at Hunter and then figures, “What the hell” and makes out with Steph right there. Well, I mean, I guess if he can get away with an affair with Kelly Kelly Kelly, kissing Stephanie after attacking her will be nothing. HHH is furious despite having taking part in essentially this exact same angle ten years ago. Orton, tired of the hypocrisy, hits Hunter with the hammer, probably breaking his own hand in the process.

Next Week: The world’s best Pretend Girlfriend Swap, when John Cena sleeps with Stephanie McMahon and Randy Orton takes Vickie Guerrero for a ride on the actual Space Mountain. Also, Jerry Lawler acts all self righteous before doing nothing to save himself from a beating by Chris Jericho. And the Road To Wrestlemania nears its conclusion when Shawn Michaels visits the oatmealy grave of Paul Bearer.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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