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RAW SATIRE    
Serious Vacation Business 

April 11, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Dear Online Onslaught,

I am on vacation. As such, I can’t even begin to pretend that I’m giving this half as much attention that it deserves. It’s not my fault WWE Scheduled a really awful “Go Home” show when I wasn’t home.

Anyway, I promised myself that I’d do a column anyway, so here is the RAW Satire: Vacation Edition. Let’s see how much I can half-ass this, shall we?

-Matt Hocking, Esquire

 
Last Week:  Something with Randy Orton making out with Stephanie McMahon. Also, Big Show and Edge fought over Vickie Guerrero’s handicap spot. And John Cena challenged The Rock to a box office battle, and Rock didn’t even notice. Will he notice…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

 
Melina, Alicia Fox, Brie Bella, Kelly Kelly Kelly, Alexis Laree, Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella), Gail Kim, Eve Torres, and ECW Assistant to the General Manager Tiffany vs. Maurice, Layla El, Michelle McCool, Nikki Bell, Beth Phoenix, Rosa Mendes, Natalya Neidhart, Katie Lea Burchill, and Jillian Hall

Oh, screw you, Show. Is this Gail Kim’s return match? And I get it! Even your stupid assistant (to the) general managers can wrestle. Yay women! Tiffany rolls up Katie Lea about ten seconds in, and then Santino comes out in a thong and challenges John Mayer and Jack Tunney to a match. *****

(ads)

Chris Jericho vs. Jerry “” Lawler

Lawler gets way too much offense in in three minutes time while Michael Cole goes over the rules for Jericho’s Wrestlemania match. Apparently, it’s just a gauntlet match, which is a relief. I thought for sure Piper’s hip would go out ten seconds into the match, and Jericho would get an automatic win. Jericho with the Walls for the win, but when he gets on the mic to bitch about how Mickey Rourke chickened out on their match, Lawler jumps back up and punches him. Way to sell it, Jerry.

Backstage, Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase are trying to chase some emus away from Randy Orton’s turnip garden.

(ads)

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with John Cena.

Todd Grisham:  Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, for some reason we’re really rushing through RAW tonight. Do you have anything new or interesting to say about your Wrestlemania Match?

John Cena:  No.

Edge:  Really? You don’t want to take out Big Show tonight?

Cena:  Not really.

Grisham:  12 Rounds was a huge failure and I hate you!

Todd Grisham shoots himself with twelve rounds…of bullets! Todd Grisham has fallen.

Cena:  I don’t get it.

Elsewhere, Shawn Michaels is laying in a coffin and we can’t hear him.

(ads)

It wasn’t important.

Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussy Cat Dolls will apparently be at Wrestlemania. No, I don’t know either.

Rey Misterio vs. John Bradshaw Layfield

Hahaha! Screw you people who bought the Pay Per View…wait…it hasn’t happened yet? Well then why…Oh never mind. I’m not going to think about this right now. It’s not like anybody was going to buy the show to see Rey/JBL anyway. Why did I watch this thing on vacation?

(ads)

JBL beats on Rey for a while, but gets caught with a 619 and a splash. Rey wins! That means you’re losing at Wrestlemania, sucker! JBL’s Mania surprise is going to be that he’s getting rid of everything in his music but the cow mooing.

Backstage, Big Show is grilling an emu.

Tough Enough Jessie:  This is why 12 Rounds failed! WAAAAH!

(ads)

Some Dallas Cowboys (including, for some reason, Michael Irvin) are in the front row. Always up on his topical humor, Jerry Lawler makes a crack about T.O.

John Cena vs. The Big Show

The story of the match, of course, is that Big Show is sad because John Cena called him fat. He’s been trying to lose that weight lately, John! Show’s got a bit of a complex about it now. Ten years of near constant ridicule from noted fatty Jim Ross will do that to you. Geez. Cena goes for the STF, but Big Show is JUST TOO FAT! So, maybe Cena has a point.

(ads)

Show beats on Cena like the Box Office on 12 Rounds, but Cena makes a big comeback and…I think that’s where that particular analogy ends. Cena goes for the STF again, but is thwarted, so he goes for the Attitude Adjuster, but Big Show is JUST TOO FAT! OK! I GET IT! Geez. See if I ever defend the guy’s weight ever again. Show with a Chokeslam and the win. I thought his finisher was punching guys now? Anyway, Edge runs out to punch Cena in the head for a while Show goes backstage and sneaks into Vickie’s Handicap Spot, if you know what I mean. Wait…what do I mean?

Backstage, Shawn Michaels’ lazy ass is getting carried around in a casket by some dudes who don’t look particularily happy about it.

(ads)

Shawn Michaels surfs his casket to the ring, which would kind of make this show worthwhile if I couldn’t be drinking or watching the hotel’s “Hotel Advertisement” channel right now. Shawn bitches for a while about how everybody knows he’s going to lose even though they’re trying really hard to make it seem like he might just win. The crowd isn’t buying it, though. Undertaker appears mid-ring to respond, but Shawn Superkicks him instead. Shawn heels it up for a little while, and this really would be the best feud in months if not for that pesky “Shawn’s totally losing” thing.

(ads)

Backstage, The Lemony is drinking and watching a “Hotel Advertisement” channel. DAMMIT!

Kane-

(ads)

Kane, CM Punk, Fit Finlay (w/ Hornswoggle), Shelton Benjamin, Chris Tian, Kofi Kingston, Montel Vontavious Porter, and Mark Henry (w/ Tony Atlas)
In an 8-Man Battle Royal

If that were anybody but Kane right there, I would be so pissed right now. I guess they ran out of match ideas for these eight. You’ve got two more shows to do before Mania guys! You better not just be running Battle Royals from here on out. That would be so…disappointing. Thankfully, this is awfully short, as everybody teams up to throw Mark Henry out, and then Kane throws Punk at Chris Tian, which results in a win. Is that going to be a move in Smackdown vs. RAW this year?

Backstage, The Lemony is going over security for tonight. Apparently, they’re afraid that Hunter is Batman.

(ads)

Randy Orton is in the ring. Let’s listen to what he has to say.

Randy Orton:  It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the OOT Girl’s Chocolatechip, and Humper, Some day at Wigglestralia-

You know what? Why don’t I give you the Cliff Notes for this too. Apparently, he was lying about his IED, apparently he just made that up (gasp!), and his lawyers weren’t even really lawyers (Beth Phoenix is going to be so pissed!), and that he meant every single attack on the McMahons and Hunter. But he also “talked to Vickie Guerrero” (which I’m pretty sure is code for “forgot to write something to close this plot hole”) and if Hunter gets Disqualified at Wrestlemania he loses the title. What is this, TNA? Apparently, he’s no longer afraid of getting fired by Vince, because the statute of limitations on these things is only seven minutes.

A limo pulls up backstage, and The Lemony converges on the ring. But it’s not Triple H that attacks. Well, ok, it is, but it’s also Vince and Shane McMahon! What a shocking swerve! And despite two of them not being wrestlers, and one being nearly 70, the McMahon-Helmsleys have no trouble barreling through Orton’s personal security force and taking out the Lemony. The show closes on the three McMahons laying out their rivals, and I have to admit, I can sort of believe that a 70-year old man with no knees could beat up Cody Rhodes.

Sunday Sunday Sunday:  It’s the Shock of All Shocks when somehow Floyd “Money” Mayweather walks out of Wrestlemania with Vickie Guerrero and the WWE World Heavyweight Title. Also, Mickey Rourke cries a river of tears over his dead dog and Chris Jericho slips on it and loses his match! What an angle! Also, Randy Orton and Triple H admit they were in cahoots all along, and reveal the real power behind WWE: Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley!

Now, back to bed and relaxation. I hope you enjoyed this edition of RAW: Some of What You Didn’t Need to Know. I’ll see you all next week.
 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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