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RAW SATIRE    
The WrestleMania Fall-Out...
from August 2021! 

April 11, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Another quick n dirty one this week, and pretty much until these start getting posted on OO again, which…checking my solar calendar is…August, 2021. So, cool. I’ve got some time.
 
 
Last Night:  Say, maybe you’ve heard of this “Wrestlemania” thing? Triple H suffering through the many chinlocks of Randy Orton? The Undertaker pretty much just refusing to have a bad match with Shawn Michaels? A Million John Cenas coming out to “Word Life?” No? Uh…Ok. Well, maybe you’ll find out…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

 
Woo! Wrestlemania! Michael Cole literally cannot WAIT to tell you exactly how many people are in the arena tonight, down to the old lady selling popcorn in aisle 17. Then, Randy Orton comes down to the ring. Anything interesting to say, Randy?

Randy Orton:  It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the NCAA Girl’s Chocolatechip, and last fight at Wigglestralia, Triopoly H hit me with a sludgehammer.

Nope. Anyway, he bitches a little more about how much he hates the McMahons, despite the fact that he’s still employed there after attacking them all, and even insinuates perhaps desecrating the corpse of Linda McMahon or punting Aurora Borealis. That’s enough to bring out Vince, because you just don’t talk about Aurora Borealis like that. Maybe Vince will offer to trade Randy to TNA for picks. Worked for Jay Cutler, right? Orton ends up challenging Vince to a match, which would’ve made that Cutler feud awesome actually. Vince makes a six man tag match for Backlash with the McMahons (including Hunter) vs. The Lemony, and agrees to the match tonight.

(ads)

The Miz and John Morrison vs. The Brothers Colon
In a Lumberjack Match for the WWE Unified Tag Team Titles

Carlito and Primo won? Really? Really guys? The Lumberjacks are the Rest of the Roster which includes about thirty people I don’t know and Tommy Dreamer. Thanks for coming out tonight, Tommy! I also see the grizzled beard of Mike Knox out there, so there’s that. Isn’t this his first appearance in, like, ten years? Remember back in February when he was main eventing? Yeah, me neither. Morrison gets tossed, and everybody beats him up. They live for these little moments.

(ads)

So, is Ricky Ortiz one of the Colons? I’m just asking. The world owes me a coke for having to put up with this match. I may be the only person in the world, by the way, who thinks unified tag team titles are a horrible, horrible idea. Unified titles of any sort, really. There’s already nothing for the guys on the undercard to do. Speaking of which, is that The Hurricane. Wow. Thanks for coming out tonight, Suga Shane. Morrison attacks the lumberjacks for absolutely no reason with a billion backflips. Cool. Stupid, but cool. Carlito hits the Backstabber for the win, much to the delight of Mike Knox and Goldust for some reason. I can only believe they bet money on this match. Isn’t it the time of year for Carlito to threaten to quit again? Whatever. Tommy Dreamer is just happy to be out here tonight.

Backstage, Vince and Shane argue about how frigging stupid it is for a ninety year old man to be fighting the guy that just nearly killed him a couple weeks ago. Vince isn’t buying it because he’s taken way more roids than anybody.

(ads)

Jillian Hall, Layla El, Kelly Kelly Kelly, Alexis Laree and Melina vs. Eve Torres, Natalya Neidhart, Gail Kim, Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella), and Maryse

See, now they’re not even trying. Even Michael Cole is like, “These girls don’t even like each other!” Gail Kim is wearing half of a French Maid costume, which is an interesting choice. This is even more demeaning than having the women’s match from Mania specifically put over Kid Rock and Santino, because Cole is spending the whole thing plugging brand loyalty and the draft, and Lawler’s staring at Maria’s ass. But I really, really just don’t care. Alexis DDTs Natalya for the win.

Backstage, Shane and HHH are hugging, because that’s what bros do when it’s all the sudden revealed that they’re bros. Shane asks Hunter to try to reason with Vince, which is funny because they hate each other. Right?

(ads)

This is…yeah.

(ads)

Rey Misterio, Jeff Hardy, CM Punk, Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat and John Cena vs. .Kane, Chris Jericho, The Big Show, Matt Hardy, and Edge

I am not recapping ten minutes of advertisements. So they’ll bitch about the Divas getting along for an hour, but Matt Hardy teaming with Edge? No problem! You know, I saw Mania, and I completely forgot that Rey had even won a title. The crowd is essentially not even paying attention to any of this, but to salivate over the possibility of seeing Ricky Steamboat. He tags in and things get Crazy Go Nuts. Dude’s old, though. Actually, this kind of reminds me of Flair the last couple years. Finally, Big Show steps in and puts the clamps down, but when Jericho tags in to finish him off, Steamboat tags out. That kind of deflated the crowd.

(ads)

Seriously, though, this might be the most over anybody’s been in years. So, with no reason to talk about brand loyalty, this gives Cole a perfect opportunity to talk about how any of these guys could appear on any show! As if that were any different than usual! It’s honestly kind of making me miss the total brand split! Rey and Steamboat hit dueling cross bodies, and Ricky bails to let Rey get the pin. After the match, everybody’s too busy watching Steamboat celebrate to notice Punk making moon eyes at Cena’s title. Everybody, that is, except Jerry Lawler (?!) who has to sit down and explain why Punk is doing that to Cole. Somebody should probably explain it to Cena too.

Triple H is backstage. He asks Vince if he’ll reconsider fighting Orton. Vince says, “No.” So, Hunter takes a nap.

(ads)

Vickie Guerrero and Chavo come out on stage. Vickie says that she’s decided to stay on as RAW General Manager, to be closer to her true love (John Cena) and because nobody watches Smackdown. She says that she’s ready to help out the stagnant and boring RAW, which makes her at least as good at this as Mike Adamle. Her first order of business? Turning the McMahons/Lemony match into a title match. If the McMahons win, Hunter keeps the title. If the Lemony wins, Orton gets the belt. Yes. Because you know what would shake up RAW? If it was booked like TNA. After about ten minutes, Vickie comes out and says “Excuse me!” She’s quite the promo cutter, folks.

Backstage, Orton, DiBiase, and Rhodes are eating pickles.

(ads)

Youuuuuuu Look Soooooo Good to Me! If there’s one good thing about putting Santino in drag, it’s bringing back the Billy and Chuck theme. Some where, Rico Constantino is shedding a single tear. Santina is easily as over as Ricky Steamboat. If there’s a second good thing about putting Santino in drag, it’s that he’s pretty hilarious. Beth Phoenix and Rosa Mendez storm out and demand that Santino stop being such an idiot. Hey! It’s an alternative lifestyle, bitch! Don’t judge him! WWE RAW Referee John Cone comes out, so I guess we’re having a match.

(ads)

Santina Marella vs. Beth Phoenix (w/ Rosa Mendez)

Surely Beth can beat Santino. In drag or not. Here’s a “WWE.com” exclusive of Santina dancing around during the ad break. That was…not really exclusive to WWE.com. Unless I’m watching this show on WWE.com right now? Holy crap. Am I? This is an existential crisis that will alter my life forever. Kind of like seeing Santino in drag. He wins with a roll-up.

Backstage, Vince is looking for his walker.

(ads)

Randy Orton vs. Vince McMahon

Vince gets the better of Orton from the start, which is…ridiculous. Really. Like, I guess Hunter beat up Orton pretty good last night, but still, Vince is…well…Vince. Anyway, Orton takes control after a few minutes, and Vince falls over. Well, that’s Vince McMahon for you. Orton’s about to kick Vince in the head again, but Shane makes the save. I do think it’s funny that the whole roster is here tonight, but nobody else wants to bother saving Vince. Think of the bonus you could’ve earned, Great Khali! The Lemony pulls Shane away, but by that time, Hunter has hit the ring. Pretty soon, however, Orton and his Lemons are able to waylay Hunter. Who’s left in the locker room that doesn’t absolutely hate these guys? R-Truth maybe? Nope, it’s “Dave” Batista “Davidson!” Of Course! And The Tista hasn’t missed any meals, it seems. Anyway, Dave storms the ring, and Orton and DiBiase bail. Cody Rhodes, however, is too entranced the all that is “The Animal.” OSPREY BOMB TO RHODES~! Orton does not look pleased. Oh come on, man. It was just Cody.

Vince McMahon:  You’re right, Randy! I’m not going to make it to Backlash! I’m getting my nails done that day. Can’t miss the appointment, they charge you for that. But you know who will be there? “Dave” Batista “Davidson!”

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”:  I bought a TICKET!

Next Week:  Batista’s reign of terror continues when he tears his hamstring looking at Randy Orton funny. Plus, Shawn Michaels returns to RAW, sees Santina Marella and promptly leaves again. And also…Some sort of “Draft.” Whatever that is.
 
 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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