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RAW SATIRE    
Big Bucks, No Whammies... 

April 18, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week:  The Tista made his big return to RAW, showing once again why people call him “The Manimal.” Also, Santino Marella dressed as a woman, and instantly became the second hottest diva on the roster (after Josh Matthews). Also, Randy Orton beat up Vince McMahon. What old person will he beat up…TONIGHT?!
  
(Opening Credits)
 
Well…Dave’s kind of old. He’s also in the ring. Lay it on us, Dave!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”:  I want to fight Randy ORTON! He kicked me in the HEAD!

Shane McMahon:  Dave, it’s not that I don’t trust you, but you’re a really horrible wrestler. Not that I’m any better, but I’m pretty sure I could beat up Randy Orton better than you. Why don’t you take on Cody Rhodes?

 
Batista:  Don’t patronize ME!

Triple H:  Can I just come out here and remind everyone that Orton attacked my wife? My wife!

Shane:  Yeah? Well she’s my sister.

Batista:  I do not understand the concept of LOVE!

Vickie Guerrero:  Excuse me! The winner of Batista, Shane and Triple H against The Lemony tonight will get to fight Randy Orton one on one next week. That is all.

Vickie cuts the best promos.

(ads)

Rey Misterio vs. Evan Bourne

I friggin’ love the three announce tables. I wish they’d do it every night, because these guys only have something interesting to say about once an hour, so having six of them spreads things out way better. Plus, this is the only way I’ll ever get to hear Matt Striker. This match is nothing but backflips for a half hour. Is this how Ring of Honor is? I guess it’s exciting at least. Rey with the 619 and splash for the win. RAW gets a draft pick! Ok! Rey steps up to the button. No Whammies! No Whammies! Big Bucks! And…STOP! On a new bike! Yay! Rey couldn’t be happier! He rides off backstage. Oh, and they also got MVP. But nobody really cares. MVP does not look to psyched about all this. Dammit, I kind of wish we would’ve gotten Festus.

Wait, does Festus still work here, even? You know who might know? Kane. Kane’s backstage, but I’m not, so I can’t ask him.

(ads)

Apparently, Chief Jay Strongbow has nothing better to do than show up at RAW. I’m so sorry, man.

Kane vs. The Brian Kendrick (w/ Ezekiel Jackson)

Jim Ross and Michael Cole spend about twenty minutes arguing about what level of uselessness the former Spanky is as a wrestler. I think the consensus is that he’s almost as useless as Friar Ferguson, but not much. I wish he would go back to reading Doctor Seuss and quoting Sun Tzu instead of getting beat up all the time. Ross and Cole move on to talking about how awesome Zeke is, until Kane punches him once and he gets knocked out. Kane wins with a choke slam. Fantastic. What’s up RAW? No Whammies! No Whammies! Kane really wants a Roomba. And STOP! On…The Big Show? Ugh. I think Vickie is juicing the draft. Big Show comes out and makes faces at Kane who couldn’t really care less.

(ads)

Backstage, Vickie Guerrero is talking to Chavo.

Vickie Guerrero:  RAW is so much better than Smackdown. Have you seen the cheese tray?

Chavo Guerrero:  Yeah, it’s great. So you’re going to draft me to RAW right?

Vickie Guerrero:  Um…HELL No. We only draft superstars here on RAW.

Randy Orton:  It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WGN Girl’s Chocolatechip. And I’m here to demand a typo match against Triopoly H tonight!

Vickie:  No.

Orton:  Then how about a train to Thor’s Day nights and WUV’s new show Supper Stars?

Vickie:  No! Listen, if I tell you that if Hunter, Shane, or Batista lose, they will have to face The Lemony in a three on one handicap match next week, will that get you to leave my office?

Orton:  Ah! But what, Victor Guerrera, if I wasn’t never really here at all?

Vickie:  Huh?

Chavo:  Hey, Randy! I’m a third generation superstar, can I join The Lemony?

Orton:  Ha ha! No, Churro, The Lemony only acceptorates real supper stars.

Chavo:  You have Cody Rhodes.

Orton:  You are worst than Cody Rhodes.

Vickie:  Oh snap!

Elsewhere….

John Cena:  Hello, there, potted plant. Would you like to hear my new rap album? It’s the sound track to my hit film 12 Rounds which has, at least, made more money than Dragonball. Why, yes, it does feature some hot tracks by my cousin Tha Trademarc? What do you mean, “Then no!”

Jack Swagger:  Sufferin' Succotash!

Cena:  Well something’s sucking that’s for sure.

Swagger:  John, why doesn’t anybody respect me? I’m the All American American!

Cena:  Where to begin? Firstly, your name. Swagger is a word. It’s a verb, a noun, or an adjective. It’s not a name. Secondly, with that damn lisp of yours, you can’t even say it right.

Swagger:  I do not have a lisp!

Cena:  Thirdly, you have the ECW title which makes you…Marginally better than Tommy Dreamer? I guess? That’s nothing to write home about.

Tommy Dreamer:  Aw!

Cena:  And lastly, what kind of nickname is “The All American American?” I mean that’s just stupid. Be “The All American” or whatever, but I don’t care if you’re American. Hell Tough Enough Jessie is an American, and that hasn’t gotten her anywhere!

Tough Enough Jessie:  Waaaaaaaaaaah!

Cena:  Seriously, what’s up with that? Do you just like repeating things? That’s an idiot’s game.

Ken Kennedy:  Game!

Even elsewhereier, the RAW Divas are plotting the demise of that beauty queen Josh Matthews.

(ads)

Maryse, Natalya Neidhart, and Michelle McCool vs. Melina, Kelly Kelly Kelly, and Alexis Laree

The Smackdown divas just can’t get along! Isn’t it adorable? Nobody complains that Natalya is actually an ECW Diva, so I guess this is all fine by me. Like I give a crap anyway. Lawler’s head is about to explode here. But if he was smart, wouldn’t he be fretting over the fact that his team contains frigging Kelly Kelly Kelly? Anyway, it doesn’t matter, because Alexis beats Michelle up for a while, until Michelle hits a Big Boot (Taker taught her that!) for the win. Ok, Big Bucks! No Whammies! Oh, hey! Todd Grisham’s Soul + 1 Spin! That’d be a good prize, I think. And STOP! On Melina? Ugh. I’m sooooo sorry, Smackdown. Cole hilariously asks if Lawler is sad about the Women’s Title moving over to Smackdown, and Lawler could give a rat’s ass. That’s the Women’s Division I know and love!

Cena’s asleep backstage. Come on, John! Jack Swagger is tough! Heh. Sorry.

(ads)

Jack Swagger vs. John Cena

Matt Striker actually tries to make a case for Swagger winning this match. He’s so cute! Can we get him on RAW? Even Josh Matthews knows this isn’t happening. The announcers then spend about twenty minutes pondering whether or not Jack Swagger is the best amateur wrestler Cena has ever faced. Hooooly crap. I’m pretty sure Kurt Angle’s broken neck could out-amateur wrestle Jack Swagger. Though, he tries his best to prove them right by rolling around on the mat and going for chicken wings and such. Didn’t Cena wrestle Lesnar too? Geez.

(ads)

Swagger goes for…something…but Cena falls over instead. The ref must’ve missed it though, because he didn’t credit Orton for the win. Swagger flops onto Cena’s back, and John hits the *ahem* Attitude Adjuster and the STF. Jack couldn’t hold on so he tapped out. Best amateur wrestler ever! Cena hit’s the button and…Big Bucks no Wammies…STOP! Matt Hardy and a Spin! Even Cena can’t help but be a little disappointed by that. Matt’s pretty much got the best coat in the business though. Edge’s pleather jackets are great, but Matt’s Revolutionary war get-up is awesome. I love it. He’s going to save us from…William Regal, I guess. Ok! Free Spin! Free spin! No Whammies! AND STOP! On Triple H. Ugh. Of course. Smackdown didn’t make My Network TV a major network for some reason, so it’s time to come back to the A-Show. Hunter comes out and shows Cena his stupid Spinnin’ Title. John is about to fofer to trade belts with Hunter, but Edge attacks. Cena turns the tide pretty quick, but by the time he does, Edge is already backstage again.

(ads)

Backstage, The Lemony is having issues.

Cody Rhodes:  Is Josh Matthews doing lines of coke at the announce table? Why does he keep touching his nose?

Ted DiBiase:  Maybe Matt Striker punches him during commercials.

Cody:  Wife beater!

Randy Orton:  Couchy! Todd! I need to know, what’s your plan for Triopoly H, The Tista, and Shawn-O-Mark tonight?

Cody:  Uh…we’re going to lose.

DiBiase:  Yeah, that’s pretty much what I was shooting for.

Orton:  But if you win we’ll get a three on gun handicapable match next week on RON.

Cody:  Yeah, but we’re going to lose.

DiBiase:  Yeah. On what planet do you think we’re going to win this match?

Orton:  Planet Stasiak?

Cody:  Uh…Yeah.

Santino Marella-

(ads)

Santino Marella (w/ Beth Phoenix and Rosa Mendes) vs. The Great Khali (w/ Runjan Singh)

Beth and Rosa come out and say that if Santino doesn’t win this match, then his sister Santina will have to kiss Great Khali. Santino doesn’t look too deterred by that, actually. I have to admit, Khali’s a pretty handsome guy when you get right to it. He’s got a good strong jaw. Abe Orton will back me up on that. Santino makes a valiant effort that mostly consists of him hanging onto the ropes while Khali chopped him. Khali wins! He chops the Press Your Luck button and breaks it. Goddammit, Great Khali! How the hell are we supposed to do a draft now?

Backstage, Miz and Morrison are watching themselves on WWE.com.

(ads)

During the break, Smackdown was awarded CM Punk, mostly because he can jump to whatever show he wants should he become unpopular/popular again. They also managed to tape the Press Your Luck button together again, so we’re back in business!

The Miz (w/ John Morrison) vs. Kofi Kingston

Michael Cole is dancing around like an idiot, so I pretty much hope Kofi stays on RAW. I’m also pretty glad that Miz isn’t Shelton. Matt Striker manages to sneak in references to Facebook and The Office into this match, and Lawler has no clue what is going on. This is what happens when you let the cool kids sit at the grown up table, WWE. Kofi goes up top, and Morrison just decides “to hell with it” and pushes him off. Morrison wants nobody on ECW. But wait! No Whammies! Big Bucks! A trip to Jamaica? Ha ha. Very funny, WWE. And STOP! On…The Miz? Morrison goes to hug Miz, but Miz kicks him in the balls and runs away. Way to get rid of the only reason to visit WWE.com, geniuses. Joey Styles is spinning in his grave right now.

(ads)

Big Show, MVP, Shad Gaspard, JTG, Mike Knox, Rickey Ortiz, Tyson Kidd, Paul Burchill, Mark Henry, Fit Finlay, Carlito Caribbean Cool, Primo Caribbean Cool, Chavo Guerrero, R-Truth and Edge
In a Fifteen Man Battle Royal

R-Truth? Really, Smackdown? Was Kung Funaki busy or something? You know it’s tough times when WWE ECW Announcer Tony Chimel has no clue who the hell Rickey Ortiz is. This pretty much goes exactly as expected with Big Show, Mark Henry, and Edge being the last men in. Probably the only surprising thing about it is that ECW actually had the numbers advantage for a while. Show eventually tosses Henry, but when he turns on Edge, Edge just pulls down the rope and Show is gone. Edge wins again! He wins this match every year! No Whammies…Big Bucks and…STOP! On…KANE?! NOOOOO! Trade him back! I need more Kane! And also, Chris Jericho. But Kane! WHY?!

(ads)

Chris Tian vs. Shelton Benjamin

So we’re all in agreement that this is pretty much the only shot ECW has of getting a draft pick, right? Geez. Aren’t the crappy brands supposed to get the best picks? Striker continues his love fest by getting J.R. to say that Shelton Benjamin is the best athlete he’s ever seen. Take that Oklahoma and Steve Austin! Shelton and Christian are running all over the damn place here. You know, I’d say that I was sorry that Chris is on ECW, but it’s still light years better than TNA. Chris Tian wins! Ok, here we go. Big Bucks. No Whammies. And STOP! On a Whammy!

Whammy:  Oh no! Looks like you’re lost again!

That’s three years in a row now. Damn you, Whammy!

(ads)

Backstage….

Shane McMahon:  Yo! Yo Yo Yo Yo! Hunter, so I’m going to take on Randy Orton next week and then Booyah! Right in the face.

Triple H:  You know, I don’t get it. Clearly I have the most motivation to fight Orton, why are you getting in my way.

Shane:  Mostly because you already fought Orton once. Remember? At Wrestlemania? And it was terrible. It’s my turn now.

HHH:  Yeah, and I bet if Dave were here, he’d say the same thing.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”:  I am HERE!

HHH:  And what do you have to say?

Batista:  I like COOKIES!

HHH:  Ugh.

(ads)

CM Punk vs. Matt Hardy

There’s the Revolutionary War coat. You know what I miss? Matt Facts. Can he bring them back with him to RAW? That would be awesome. It would also help me cope with the fact that I’ll no longer be able to make fun of CM Punk. At least until he beats Triple H for the World Heavyweight…hahaha. Sorry, he’s not beat Triple H. Matt punches Punk in the ribs for a while, but then Jeff Hardy hits the ring, and his brother. That’s enough for a DQ. Jeff prances around for a while, and accidentally hits the button, starting the selection process for RAW. And…STOP! Maryse? Really? I guess Alexis and Beth are going to have to get themselves excited to go for that butterfly belt. Michael Cole says Maurice a billion times, and I can already tell I’m going to hate Maryse on RAW. Frustrated that Smackdown has lost all its good wrestlers and Maryse, it’s only popular superstar, Todd Grisham impales himself on the Whammy’s horns. Todd Grisham has fallen.

(ads)

Chris Jericho vs. Tommy Dreamer

HELL YES! TOMMY FN DREAMER! This is pretty much my dream match, folks. I don’t even care. It is sort of funny listening to Striker and Matthews try to talk themselves into Tommy here though. Poor Tommy. Todd Grisham compares the Legend of Tommy Dreamer to Brooklyn Brawler. Heh. Ok. So serious question, Tommy Dreamer: WWE Hall of Fame or not? I say yes. Jericho with the Code Breaker for the win. Aw. I had a lot of money riding on ECW here. All they got was a friggin’ Whammy. Who are they, the Lions? Ok. Do it, Jericho! Big Bucks! No Whammies! Big Bucks and…STOP! On Rey Misterio? Heh. Thanks for showing up on RAW for a couple weeks, Rey. Jericho immediately begins to make inquiries about trading Rey for what’s in the Mystery Box.

(ads)

The Lemony vs. Triple H, Shane McMahon, and “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

I do kind of love how The Lemony pretty much has as much significance and impact on this feud as The Spirit Squad did. Hunter, Shane and Dave take turns tagging themselves in, so that they can show how much better they are than the others. How sad is it that Ted DiBiase and Shane McMahon are pretty much tied for the best wrestler in this match. It’s kind of funny, though, because Michael Cole is pretty much ignoring this match because even he knows it’s a foregone conclusion, and Lawler is trying desperately to maintain the veracity of The Lemony. Dave and Hunter argue over who will get to pin poor Cody Rhodes (the poor man’s Tommy Dreamer), and then Shane flies in and takes out The Tista. HHH shrugs and gets the pin. It’s going to be Triple H vs. Orton next week! So that Hunter can avenge what Orton did to him…uh…at Wrestlemania, I guess? The chinlocks then?

Next Week:  Randy Orton adds insult to injury when he puts Declan McMahon in a chinlock. Big Show makes the most of his draft positioning by swearing on live TV again. Big Show loves live TV! Also? Shawn Michaels makes his big return, sees HHH is back on RAW again and promptly goes back home.
 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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