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RAW SATIRE    
It's 4/20: Do You Know Where Your Roub Vaun Daum Is? 

April 24, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week:  Triple H won the right to have his 452nd match against Randy Orton. Also, there was a draft of some sort, and RAW lost a lot of top superstars…like…uh…No. They really didn’t. Oh! Wait! Kane! We lost Kane! How will I deal with that…TONIGHT?!

Oh Crap. England.

 
(Opening Credits)

Chrius Jeuricho is out, and it’s really nice to see we’re ignoring the Draft already. What’d that last? A week? Pretty awesome. Sorry. Chrius?
 


Chrius Jeuricho:  Yes, yes. I know. I was drafted to Smackdown, and don’t get me wrong, the WWE Draft is serious business! So this is my last night on RAW! The final one! Until, of course, out of storyline necessity, reunion episode, special event, concert, Bar Mitzvah, or just for no real reason, I show up here again. In…we’ll give it three weeks or so. Anyway, I’m really sorry I couldn’t save RAW, you guys. I don’t know what happened. Oh yeah. It’s beyond saving. I forgot. Anyway, at least I’m staying off the same show as Triuple H! Laters.

Riucky “Thou Dragoun” Steaumboat:  Chrius, I’m going to show you why I was voted “Worst Promo in the World” 25 years running! Uh…I…? WWE Universe? Or Solar System maybe? I’m not real sure on the terminology of today’s business, you see.

Jeuricho:  Well, Ricky, I guess it was a real pleasure to work with you, if only so that it will be that much more ironic when you come out and save me next time I’m a face involved in a pull-apart brawl or the victim of a sneak attack. It was also worth it to get rid of all those Legends, most of whom we won’t hear from for years! Except, of course, Miuckey Rouurke, who’s basically had Access Hollywood hostage for the past three months like some kind of Somali pirate.

Steaumboat:  Chris, do you always take wrestling this seriously?

Jeuricho:  Always.

What do you suppose they call APPLE DOUGH in England? Ye Olde Tarte? A Bit o’ Swish? Bubbles and Squeak?

Jouhn Ceuna:  Hey, guys! What’s going on out here? Having a segment? Cool! I was just backstage having a bit o’ the swish and thought I’d come out here and have a segment, but here you are too! What a coincidence.

Steaumboat:  Jouhn, don’t ruin this for me! I was just getting into my promo groove!

Ceuna:  Aw snap! Sorry whoever you are! Asian Eriuc Bischouff? Oh no! Was Chrius going to cry and beg you to stay on RAW! I’m sorry I interrupted that! Please, continue.

Jeuricho:  I challenge you to a match at Backlash.

Steaumboat:  I accept.

Cena:  Oh boy! Matches! I love matches! And since Viuckie Guuerrero can’t get into England because of “Visa Issues,” I get to be the GM of RAW Tonight! And I’m challenging Chrius Jeuricho to a match! Isn’t that awesome?

Jeuricho:  Jouhn-

Cena:  LAST WORD!

(ads)

Chauvo Guuerrero vs. “Dauve” Bautista “Dauvidson”

Chavo does everything he can to endear himself to me by getting on the mic and insisting that he is still a wrestler dammit, not just a tertiary character in the Viuckie/Eudge/Biug Shouw feud. Then Bautista runs out and hits the OSPREY BOMB TO CHAUVO~! for the win. Chauvo gets back on the mic and asks Dauve why he didn’t let him get in a dropkick or something, and Dauve responds with another OSPREY BOMB TO CHAUVO~! Geez. Dauve is kind of a huge asshole. Knock it off, dude.

(ads)

Backstage, Duave is dripping sweat and oil all over Shane McMahon. Gross! Come on, Bautista!

Shane McMahoun:  Ok, this is kind of uncomfortable. I just wanted to come in here and make sure we’re cool for Sunday. Even though I speared you and you slapped me and whatnot last week.

“Dauve” Bautista “Dauvidson”:  I am not COOL! I am SWEATING!

Shane:  Yeah. What’s the deal with that, Dauve? You didn’t even wrestle for ten seconds out there and you’re sweating like a pig!

Bautista:  It is a glandular CONDITION! I cannot help IT!

Shaune:  Ok, whatever. Gross, but whatever. Listen, can I trust you to have my back at Backlash?

Bautista:  I need a HUG!

Shaune:  Ok, no. I’m just going to walk the other way now.

CM Puunk vs. Kaune

No! Don’t go, Kaune! I’m sorry I implied that RAW had had just about the right amount of you! It wasn’t nearly enough, and I’m sorry! Lauwler and Coule speculate as to the relative uselessness of Smackdown drafting Puunk when he can show up whatever brand he wants whenever he wants. I kind of miss Mautt Striuker, you guys. Actually, now that I think about it, this is a Smackdown match and I don’t have to recap it. Sorry.

(ads)

Sauntino Maurella is out and he has a mic. Everybody down!

Sauntino Maurella:  Unfortunately, my-a lovely sister-a Sauntina could not-a be here tonight-a because she’s-a at home-a hiding from Ye Greate-a Khauli! But thankfully-a, we have-a her live from-a Italy on the TitanTron-a! Sauntina?

Sauntina Marella:  Hello-a! This is not-a pretaped broadcasting-a of me-a! I have-a the herpes, so I can’t-a make out with Khauli-a! But I hear-a Aube Ortoun-a might be available-a to lick his massive-a jaw!

They then engage in about twenty minutes of what I can honestly say is the most believable wrestler/TitanTron interaction in about twenty years. Usually these pretaped things go all to hell but Sauntino’s a pro.

Beuth Phoeunix:  OBJECTION!

Sauntino:  Beuth! Where’s-a your wig-a? The court-a system is different-a here in England-a!

Beuth:  Just…shut up. Look, apparently your stupid “Fake Sister” angle has more legs than the Beulla Twiuns, so you’re going to drag that act on to Backlash, where hopefully your sister’s case of…the herpes…has fallen by the wayside.

Sauntino:  This-a is why-a I broke up with you-a! You’re always-a interrupting my wrestling-a segments with-a your stupid-a fantasy booking-a ideas! And you-a kept trying-a to pluck my unibrow-a! It’s the source-a of all my powers-a!

Beuth:  I was going to sew a UniQuilt!

(ads)

Beuth Phoenix (w/ Rousa Meundez) vs. Meulina
For the WWE Women’s Title

Here it is! The last chance for the show with all the women’s wrestlers to get the women’s wrestling title! If I cared more, I’d be on the edge of my seat for this one. Honestly, do you think any of the RAW girls want the butterfly belt? I thought Tauker and Micheulle McCooul spent all night bedazzling that cardboard for her to wear. Now she’s got to go after that crappy Women’s Title. Coule blathers on about how Meulina and Beuth used to be great friends. Um…Did Meulina introduce every heel Diva on the roster? In that way, I guess she really is the Dominate Diva. Melina wins with a role-up. Noooo…I’m stuck with the valet title!

Backstage…

Shaune McMahoun:  Yo yo yo yo yo! Huunter! My main man! My dawg! My ace in the hole! H…Are you sweating! You haven’t even had a match yet! What the hell are you sweating all over the place for?

Triuple H:  It’s glandular. I can’t help it.

Shaune:  Do you even know what that means?

HHH:  I’m going to be honest with you, Shaune. What do you want?

Shaune:  Don’t kill yourself tonight. You’re pretty much the only halfway decent wrestler on our team at Backlash.

HHH:  I’m planning on on jobbing to Coudy Rhoudes. I really don’t care if I retain the title in this stupid match. I cannot believe we stole an idea from TNA! And their worst one pretty much! UGH!

Shaune:  You’re can’t be serious!

HHH:  Ha! Yeah. I’m not serious. I’m going to beat the hell out of those dorks. Anybody who tells you that Wrestling is serious is an idiot.

Chrius Jeuricho:  AAAAAAARGH! I can’t wait to leave this stupid show.

(ads)

Jouhn Ceuna vs. Chrius Jeuricho

The UK crowd, which hated Jericho in the opening segment wastes absolutely no time crapping all over Jouhn Ceuna. Ceuna is like the Geourge Buush of American Wrestling. Except they all bite on the “You Can’t See Me” taunt, so that pretty much destroys any hope I had for the British audience. Ceuna goes for the Attitude Adjuster, which is patently ridiculous at this point in the match, but whatever. So Jeruicho hits a DDT and kicks Ceuna in the head. Start taking this match more seriously, Jouhn! It’s the last one you have to before he’s gone!

(ads)

They’re trading finishers out of the break, so I give up. I don’t even think Jeuricho is taking this seriously anymore. I think what Huunter said really hurt him. Chrius Jeuricho’s spirit has been broken. Ceuna with another Attitude Adjuster try, but Jeuricho flips out of it into a Codebreaker. But Chrius is too busy pouting to make the cover. Ceuna finally says “To hell with it” and goes for an AA off the top rope, but Eudge shows up out of the crowd and pushes them both off the top. Well, that’s a DQ. Eudge grabs a couple chairs, hits Cena with a Conchairto and demonstrates how to count to ten. I think they stole this angle from Sesame Street. I’m pretty sure this is exactly how Yon Couunt took down Mr. Hoouper.

(ads)

Reuy Mysteurio vs. Doth Biug Shouw

Coule and Lauwler spend the first half of the match enumerating the ways that the Conchairto will hinder Ceuna’s chances at Backlash, proving once and for all that neither of them have ever seen a Jouhn Ceuna angle. I’m more pissed that Puunk didn’t run out and steal the title than anything. He would’ve been a national hero in England! Poor Reuy has a lot of trouble finding kids in the audience to head butt on his way to the ring. The Brits just don’t understand Lucha Libre! Reuy tries all his speed stuff, but Shouw is not having it. He’s having a career year! You can’t stop him! He catches a 619 attempt and just punches Reuy in the face for the win. Well…That’d do it.

(ads)

Backstage….

Coudy Rhoudes:  What a wasted trip! I haven’t seen Aumy Whinehouuse puking on the streets or Liuly Alleun flashing people anywhere! All I’ve seen is Britiush Dwiught eating a Cornish game hen.

Teud DiBiause:  Gaureth.

Coudy:  Huh?

Teud:  His name is Gaureth. The British Office was way superior to the American one, Coudy. You should know these things.

Coudy:  What are you talking about?! It’s not even close! Look, who would you rather sleep with Dauwn or Paum?

Teud:  Can I hedge my bets and say the new receptionist?

Coudy:  Hell yeah, dude.

Raundy Ortoun:  It is I! Raunky Q. Mourgon, Legend Kill Guy and Former Holster of the UUUUE Girl’s Chocolatechip! What are my fallow Lemony members talking about?

Teud:  Whether we like the British Office or the American Office better.

Raundy:  You guys are nuts! Fourthly, they’re called “Locker Tombs.” Secondly, they’re pretty mulch the same no matter what county you’re in. I’m out of here!

Coudy:  So you know we’re going to lose Sunday, right?

Teud:  Yep.

(ads)

Triuple H vs. Raundy Ortoun
In a No Disqualification Match

Now the announcers are plugging Wrestlemania Retmatch(!) every five seconds. Do you think they got the memo that nobody buys that Huunter is pissed that he didn’t get his revenge (when he already did)? Eh. Probably not. It takes them all of five seconds to roll out of the ring and start throwing each other at the announce table. Raundy gets hold of a Trash can and drills Hunter. I still don’t buy this as a fight between two alpha males gunning for the fertile womb of Steuphanie McMahoun-Heulmsley, but whatever. There’s not even any blood.

(ads)

I’ve got nothing. Ortoun tries to make things interesting with a DDT to the outside onto the steps, but Huunter counters that, so I’m going to take about something else. Has anybody seen that show Krod Mandoon? That show is fantastic. I hope BBC renews it and Comedy Central picks it up again, because I will pretty much cry if they don’t. See? That’s on the BBC, so it’s tangentially related to this match. Shut up. It’s late, I’m tired, and absolutely nothing is happening. Oh wait, The Lemony mill out to ringside, but before they can get involved, Bautista and Shaune-O-Mac intercept them. While Hunter is admiring the chaos he’s created, he trips on the garbage can and falls over. Ortoun wins! RAUNDY ORTOUN IS GOING TO BACKLASH!!~!

Sunday Sunday Sunday:  A weird chain of events somehow leads to Cody Rhodes walking out of the TNA Tag Mach the new WWE Spinnin’ Champion. Also, Edge wins the World Title to ensure that both shows have at least one belt, because that’s totally how it has to happen you guys. Oh, and Kane. Probably. 
 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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