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RAW SATIRE    
Going Mobile

June 13, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Ok, so my computer died, and I’m trying to do this on an old, old crappy laptop. So what did I miss? Vince McMahon managing to guarantee he’ll never get to book the Pepsi Center again? Ken Kennedy getting fired? FIRED?! Totally Not Jamal getting fired, thereby guaranteeing that Jamal will make a big WWE comeback. So nothing new.

Anyway, I’m not going to be able to do a full-on Satire on this piece of junk, so thankfully I found the live WWE Mobile stream from RAW, so I’m just going to copy and paste this. 
 

mjhocking: Last Night: TOMMY DREAMER! TOMMY DREAMER! TOMMY DREAMER! Plus, Edge divorced Vickie Guerrero for the 951st time. Also, "Dave" Batista "Davidson."

(Opening Credits)

LilGarci: OMG u guyz! Itz @TheTista

TheTista: I am the CHAMPION!

RankyQMorgan42: @TheTista I tahareoug aoiur athaodu WESGW Chochocliaghtp?

TheTista: lol WUT?

milliondollahjr: I’m going down to the ring #runin

couchyrhodes: @milliondollahjr Wait, isn’t Dave hurt? And Randy suspended? What the hell are we doing?

RankyQMorgan42: erslakdoguh!

TheTista: OW! My ARM!

Puppieluvr: Wont sumbody help Dave?

Coleman: Why don’t you help them?

Puppieluvr: a/s/l?

Coleman: 40/m/tx

Coleman: @puppieluvr …?

(ads)

TheTista: OW! My ARM! STILL! @TEJessie Get my BELT!

TEJessie: @TheTista You get your belt, jerk! #WAAAAAAAAH!

Kofi Kingston vs. William Regal

LilGarci: The Intercontinental Champion @Kofi420!

Kofi420: Uh…no.

TheRegal1: I say, I would be a great champion. More people here need English accents.

Puppieluvr: @mileycyrus I luv u

Kofi420: Kick 2 the face!

TheRegal1: Ow! My most of me!

Kofi420: @Shelton stole my account!

Backstage….

milliondollahjr: We finally beat TheTista. #TheLegacy! Actually an effective group!

couchyrhodes: We’re totally going to rule RAW now, @milliondollahjr!

RankyQMorgan42: Ojkafjkld? OlKjoJIO!

couchyrhodes: Anybody wanna bablefish that?

milliondollahjr: @RankyQMorgan42 try typing from a computer. We can’t understand u!

RankyQMorgan42: I hhisa ny bert?

(ads)

Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Maryse
For the WWE Divas Title

K3lly: Omigsh! We can haz twitter now?! tweettweet

Coleman: Just saw Maurice. Super hot, you guys.

femmeblond: Je déteste lutter et ses ventilateurs

Alexis<3raven: I don’t…even want that belt really. Why am I out here? Rather be Miss Wrestlemania TBH.

K3lly: gonna try a move u guys! let u know how it goes!

K3lly: not good :(

femmeblond:: Un gagnant est moi

Alexis<3raven: Can I request a transfer to Smackdown? Or even ECW? #ihatemyjob

(ads)

mjhocking: They are promising Tommy Dreamer next week. Don’t toy with me.

WwedivaJosh: @VickieG Is Randy Orton going to get a title match tonight?

VickieG: @WwedivaJosh yep

WwedivaJosh: That’s dumb, Dave’s hurt.

VickieG: lol

VickieG: oh…fyi…big annoucnment tonight

WwedivaJosh: You’re not fake pregnant, are you?

Elsewhere….

Miz1936: @femmeblond ur so fine, gonna dedicate a hat to u!

femmeblond: Stoppez parler et combattez John Cena.

Miz1936: i dunno wat u just said!

femmeblond: rire dehors fort

Santino Marella, Golddust, and Festus (w/ Horn-

(ads)

Santino Marella, Goldust, and Festus (w/ Hornswoggle) vs. Chavo Guerrero, Jamie Knoble, and The Brian Kendrick

#1MarellaFan: I’m in-a the match-a!

Se7en: That reminds me, I should really update this account. Sorry.

newchavo: How do you use this? Did I click it right? 222222

NobleNNidia: @newchavo You gotta hit send bro

thespanky: LF Tag Team Partner. Don’t have to be any good, just don’t lose.

londoncalling: ill be your partner, @spanky

thespanky: Anybody but him?

handbuckle: SPIN THE WHEEL MAKE THE DEAL SPIN THE WHEEL MAKE THE DEAL

luvs2fight: @handbuckle I thought I took that away from you!

FestIs: ….

thespanky: *sigh* lost again. Gonna go buy a new jacket and cut one of the sleeves off. Laters.

(ads)

The Miz vs. John Cena

LilGarci: brb Gonna announce this match. Eh. Maybe not.

Miz1936: @RuckFules ur nothin but a poseur! jus like tim allen, im gonna beat u up!

RuckFules: THE CHAMP IS HERE!!!!!

bigshowinmypants: Gonna continue this feud here.

RuckFules: HOW DO YOU TURN OFF CAPS? THE CHAMP IS OW!

bigshowinmypants: Heh. Backbreaker is the best move.

Miz1936: @bigshowinmypants why u always ruin my match? #chairshottotheface

bigshowinmypants: That almost hurt!

(ads)

Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Matt Hardy

ManyVariedPortions: Can I be in the main event again? Please? I was on The View! THE VIEW!

SadLonelyHardy: What is Twitter? Does Lita have a Twitter? @Lita I still love you! Come back to me!

ManyVariedPortions: Ballin’ #Ballin

SadLonelyHardy: Lost again :-/

Elsewhere:

VickieG: am walking backstage

(ads)

VickieG: job sux…i quit.

tehedge: I never loved you #canagirlgetasalad

VickieG: i thot u werent appearing on raw ne more?

tehedge: You are fat and old and ugly and I hate you.

VickieG: this is part of y im quittin

tehedge: Can I borrow $50?

VickieG: i wanna divorce!!!!!1

tehedge: OMG Me too!

(ads)

Backstage….

WwedivaJosh: @RuckFules What’s up dude?

RuckFules: I HAVEN’T BEEN THIS HURT IN A LONG TIME!

WwedivaJosh: Not even when you were out hurt? Like two weeks ago?

RuckFules: NO JOSH! ALSO I HATE BIG SHOW AND MIZ I WISH THEY WOULD LEAVE ME ALONE!

WwedivaJosh: No need to shout.

RuckFules: I CAN’T FIND THE CAPSLOCK!

The Lemony-

(ads)

The Lemony vs. The Colons

couchyrhodes: @milliondollahjr If we win this match, we get a shot at the tag titles!

milliondollahjr: I totally forgot we were even a tag team!

TripleCCC: I guess we finally ran out of partners for thespanky.

PrimoCaribino: Hey, WWE Universe, finally good to get to talk to you guys without my brother interrupting!

TripleCCC: Took away @PrimoCaribino ’s phone. Shouldn’t be twittering during a match.

TripleCCC: Just lost. Blame Twitter. Damn you, Primo!

couchyrhodes: Can’t believe we actually won.

milliondollahjr: @RankyQMorgan42 will be soooo proud :-D

Backstage….

RankyQMorgan42: theremaoldy in amathlks? naohgy wafkjatyoing thapaaoot.

(ads)

Randy Orton (w/ The Lemony) vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

RankyQMorgan42: Rahjhaoiud iouds isOafja Davaaa bafaadfat aDvaaraso! #CHINLOCK

MyChioda: Uhh…We all know Dave is hurt, right?

couchyrhodes: Wait! Why is that ambulance on the titantron?

milliondollahjr: Hundred bucks says it’s a Transformers tie-in.

tripsh: RAAAAAAAAAR!

tripsh: Beatin’ up lemony with a chair. Thatll teach them for trying to get over.

RankyQMorgan42: arkadou! OOOOOOO!

tripsh: PEDIGREE 2 @RANKYQMORGAN42~!!!!1!!

mjhocking: Next week: "Dave" Batista "Davidson" steps down as champion due to his crippling twitter addiction. Also, Triple H continues is thrilling co

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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