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RAW SATIRE    
Needs More Seth~!

July 15, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase spent at least 20 of those dollars to buy RAW, and not put his son in the Main Event. John Cena and Triple H managed to wrestle to a draw in a match that might not have even happened yet. Also: for no reason, Rob Van Dam. Who will show up for no reason…TONIGHT?! 
 
(Opening Credits)

Hey, it’s Triple H, and he’s getting a huge ovation because…I don’t know. Maybe he’s sleeping with everybody in the crowd. Hunter asks if everybody’s been sleeping under a rock, and to be honest…yeah. I have. So what, you want to fight about it, Hunter? Shut up. 

 
Triple H:
I have no idea when this show is taking place, so I won’t even bother recapping stuff you probably haven’t seen yet. So instead, I’m just going to bring out our new owner. It’s…Seth Green? That can’t be right.

Seth Green: Nope, it’s right. I bought it off Ted DiBiase for a limited edition Catra action figure and $14 in quarters. Anyway, you guys don’t have anything to worry about, you’re in good hands. I love wrestling and I read the internet. It’s going to be fine.
 
HHH:
Ugh. I hate you already. What the hell do you do, exactly anyway?

Green: What do you mean? Besides owning RAW? I was in all the Austin Powers movies, I was on Buffy and Family Guy. I have my own production company which makes Robot Chicken, a show which you’re on-

HHH: No!

Green: Yeah! You came in and read lines and everything. Uh…what did you think you were doing in that studio reading about how you were beating up Dakota Fanning?

HHH: Recording a birthday card for Vince?

Green: I’m also Joker in the hit video game Mass Effect.

HHH: The internet? Video games? Professional wrestling? UGH! RAW has gone to the nerds!

Randy Orton: Indoubly! Steph Greed, I am well awash of your works! And I have to spray, Foley Got Figured and Squealing Harper are two of my Flavo-Rite movies! Though I must spray! ow you got Droop Buriedfloor to marry you is asspounding.

Green: What in the world did Randy just say to me?

HHH: It’s a…uh….

Green: I seriously did not understand a word this guy just said.

Orton: You don’t understate me?! It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and hoster of the WIDE Girl’s Chocolatechip, and-

Green: Let me stop you right there, buddy. Girl’s Chocolate chip? What are you talking about? First of all, that’s clearly the “Spinnin’” Title you have there. And secondly, it’s Championship. Sound it out. Chaaaaaampionship.”

HHH: Listen here, Step…Seth, you don’t just come in here and say things like that. You’re going to get yourself killed. He’s watching!

Green: Who? The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker? Oh, yeah. That’s right. I know about that guy. What’s up with that anyway? Why are all you guys so afraid of a voice that shoots fireworks? Oh no! Maybe he’s going to turn the lights off! You know, I’m really starting to rethink my purchase of this show.

HHH: I’ve got a bad feeling about tonight.

Green: Well prepare for it to get worse, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned watching Vince McMahon’s stupid ass for the past few years, it’s that the only good reason to own a wrestling show is to put yourself in the main event. So that’s exactly what I’m going to do. It’s going to be me, Triple H and John Cena taking on The Legacy right here tonight! And also, girls in bikinis! Woo!

HHH: Oh my God! Who is The Legacy?! Some evil stable that has yet to reveal itself on RAW, but through some contrivance of the gap in the space time continuum last week only you know about?

Green: Uh…no. It’s Randy Orton? Ted DiBiase Jr.? Cody Rhodes? You know? “The Legacy?”

HHH: Do you mean The Lemony?

Orton: Insoothe, I thinker he does!

Green: Don’t tell me you actually meant for it to be called “The Lemony?” What does that even mean?

HHH: I just thought it had to do with how nice they smelled.

Orton: The secret is Lice oil.

Green: I hate this show.

(ads)

Some Band is at ringside. Nice to see you guys! That reminds me, I’m still waiting for CM Punk to hook me up with Paramore. CM Punk reads this, right? What am I saying. He has to. What with all the extra time he has not drinking or doing drugs.

Kelly Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, and Alexis Laree vs. Maryse, Alicia Fox, and Rosa Mendez

Cole and Lawler spend about twenty minutes obsessing over the fact that Kelly is the only one in this match wearing shoes, which is either another dig at Hulk Hogan (for some reason), a weirdly misplaced foot fetish, or they realize that this match is going to be really boring and are desperate to turn it into the story of the match. Or maybe Kelly has Athlete’s Foot. Cole with a “Maurice” ten seconds into the match. That girl has an incredible torso, by the way. I wonder how Gail Kim feels about all of this. Maryse sneaks in a DDT on Alexis for the win. It’s too bad Maryse is a girl, because she’s honestly the best wrestler on the roster right now.

Backstage, Seth Green is making out with Lobot.

Seth Green: Oh, Lobot, nobody on this show understands how stupid this all is. Look at that last segment? Why is Kelly wearing shoes?! And why did Maryse pin Alexis when the whole feud is about how much better Alexis is than Maryse?! And why is everybody still calling her Alexis when she’s been Mickie James for, like, five years now?

Chris Jericho: I understand you. I have been telling people about the ridiculousness that happens every week on Monday Night RAW ever since I came back. But nobody listens to me. Nobody will see that wrestling is serious business and that it deserves to be treated as such!

Green: Chris Jericho! Big fan! Yeah, I’ve heard all about your campaign to make this show better. I also heard that you got drafted over to Smackdown and never wanted to be on RAW again, so why are you here?

Jericho: Uh…Well, the Undisputed Tag Team Champions are expected to appear on every show. Except ECW, of course.

Green: Of course. But Edge’s knee exploded, so you’re not the tag champs anymore, right?

Jericho: Actually, on a technicality, I’m the WWE Tag Team Champions. By myself. At least until I find a partner.

Green: I don’t know. That sounds a little cockamamie to me. Why don’t you just go back and feud with Miz on Twitter and forget about RAW for a while?

Jericho: NOBODY ASKED YOU! I’ve got to go find a tag team partner so I can keep appearing on all the shows. Except ECW.

The Brian Kendrick: Hey! I’m still looking for a tag team partner!

Jericho: Anybody but you!

Tough Enough Jessie: I thought The Spanky would make a good partner! WAAAAH!

Green: Ugh. I knew I should’ve bought the Home Run Derby instead.

(ads)

Primo Colon vs. The Miz

Miz says “Colons” which makes me giddy. Of course, he also hits his awesome catchphrase (“I’m The Miz, and also a client!”), so this match is off to a good start. Carlito comes out, and I have to admit, I’m impressed by his dedication to growing better facial hair than Primo. At least he’s trying at something. Miz with the Reality Check, or whatever they’re calling it now, for the win. After the match, Carlito spits in Primo’s face and Lawler goes into sympathy spasms. Remember when they tried to have this feud when Primo debuted on a completely different show than Carlito. That was pretty cool.

Hey, you want to see Edge’s tendons? Here’s a sneak peak!

(ads)

Backstage….

Seth Green: Why in the hell did I book Primo in a match? I should’ve known that crap was coming. Ugh. I feel like blowing a PPV match tonight. What do you think it should be, Hornswoggle?

Hornswoggle: ….

Green: Come on, man. You’re not really some kind of weird leprechaun. You’re a guy like me. Hell, another couple inches and you’d be as tall as me!

Hornswoggle: Nobody’s ever gotten my name right before!

Green: Aw, really? I’m sorry. It must really suck to work in this place.

Hornswoggle: Huh? Yeah. Living under the ring is no picnic either. But…um…I think I’m supposed to grant you a wish. Or spin straw into gold. Or something?

Green: No! No! You’re not magic, you’re just a guy! Why is that so hard to understand?

Big Show: Hey, Seth! I’m keeping all my gimmicks from Mark Henry, so do you want to see my impression of Fat Bastard?

Green: Austin Powers jokes? Really, Show? Aren’t we past that?

Show: Get in mah bellay! I want mah baby back baby back baby back ribs! Ahahahahaha! One million dollars! Heh!

Green: That last one wasn’t even Fat Bastard! Come on, man, get out of here before you embarrass us both. More.

Show: Ok, fine, but can I have a match against Evan Bourne?

Green: Sure. Whatever.

Hornswoggle: Here, I’ve conjured up some wrestling boots for you to wear tonight. Enjoy.

Green: I said…wait…how in the hell did you do that? There’s no such thing as magic.

Hornswoggle: Isn’t there, Seth? Isn’t there?

Green: NO!

Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Jack Swagger

Way to blow a potential PPV match, Seth. Didn’t we just go over the fact that Swagger refused to fight MVP last week? So why are we at this again? Multiple Varied Plots! So, the story of the match is that Swagger isn’t afraid of MVP. Cole and Lawler debate MVP’s criminal record, while Swagger makes faces at Lillian Garcia. Hasn’t she left yet? And do you suppose WWE would hire me to replace her? I know most of these people’s names!

(ads)

I actually sort of miss when Swagger was on ECW and I wouldn’t have to put up with him ever. There’s something about this guy that bothers me. It’s probably the singlet. Well, either that or I’m jealous of his hilarious hair. MVP hits the Ballin’ Elbow, while Seth Green is being lulled to sleep backstage. At least he doesn’t have to marry Hornswoggle now! Isn’t it too bad that Freddie Prinze Jr. quit before Seth Green bought RAW? They could have caught up on their Sarah Michelle Gellar Prinze Jr. gossip! Swagger wins with a power bomb. Wait…what?

Backstage, Chris Jericho looks sad and lonely. Aw. Don’t worry, I bet Edge will send you one of his ligaments!

(ads)

Now Jericho’s in the ring! Yay!

Chris Jericho: I never realized what a fragile baby Edge was until his knee fell off during that time warp thing that was going around last week. It’s come to my attention, and it’s right, that I don’t even want to be on this show. While Smackdown features great athletes, somewhat sensical storylines and a modicum of people engaged in serious business, RAW is…well, it’s RAW. But as one whole of the WWE Tag Team Champions, I have to pick a partner and defend the titles, and doing that forces me to be on this show occasionally. But I’m not going to pick any old partner, I want somebody who is smart, loyal, and most of all, doesn’t get injured every five seconds.

Mark Henry: Hey, Chris, that sounds like a great new gimmick! What do you think? Can I be your partner?

Jericho: Sure. Hey, we can be Chris and the Stank!

Henry: Yeah! And my new gimmick is that I’m a huge liar.

Then Mark proceeds to strip Jericho down to his tie, which is…another new gimmick, I guess?

Mark Henry vs. Chris Jericho

So now it’s a match! Jericho’s wrestling in pants and dress shoes, so I’m guessing next on his agenda is trying to guess Hornswoggle’s real name. The announcers let us in on the fact that Seth Green made this match because he was sick of the lack of wrestling on this show. Though somehow, I don’t think this is going to help. And sure enough, after ten seconds of exciting action, Jericho bails to find a show that truly appreciates him. Mark Henry celebrates by dancing with the crowd which is another new gimmick. That’s three in one match! Take that, Big Show!

(ads)

Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero
In a Chavo’s Got One Hand Tied Behind His Back Match

Do you think Chavo’s sick of being WWE’s Go To Humiliation Guy yet? At least when Vickie was around he got to wear a suit while he was humiliated. The rope that ties up his hand works about as well as it normally does for these things, which is to say, not at all. Hornswoggle goes through his best list of late ‘90s X-Pac based offense, and then beats Chavo with a roll-up. Hey! Maybe Seth does have a chance tonight. After all, he’s a couple inches taller than Horny, and Randy Orton is a worse wrestler than Chavo!

Backstage….

Cody Rhodes: Guys! WWE Mobile said that my dad, Dusty, might try to buy RAW next week!

Ted DiBiase: Since when has WWE Mobile ever been right about anything?

Cody: They did say that Kelly Kelly Kelly had some sort of foot fungus, and look what happened tonight!

DiBiase: Ew.

Randy Orton: Todd, Couchy, I have something impotent to ask of you. Do I speaker funnily? Am I heard to understate?

Cody: Uh…No, Randy. We understate you perfectly.

DiBiase: Yeah. And I think you’re very impotent to the…er…Lemony. Which is an awesome name for our group.

Orton: You hear that Steph Greed? I AM Impotent! Guys, hams off him. To fight, I’m going to teach Steph the meandering of the word…DESTINY~!

(ads)

Evan Bourne vs. The Big Show

Kofi Kingston is on commentary, and he’s Shelton there too, not offering anything of note. Actually, that’s a little harsh, because he’s clearly struggling with his faux Jamaican accent the whole time, so it’s hard to put any salient points out there. Show basically throws Evan around for five minutes and then chokes him out for the win. Michael Cole dubs his new finisher the “Colossal Clutch” which sounds like a 80 oz. Slurpee or something, but I’m willing to go with it. Kofi doesn’t seem very impressed, but that’s hard to do when you’re buzzed out of your mind. Hey! When did RAW get a black referee? What’s this guy’s name so I give him the WWE RAW Referee title?

This is as good a place as any to give a shout out to Ken Anderson for his Satire shout out a couple weeks ago. Thanks, Ken. And Go Badgers. BADGERS!

(ads)

Backstage….

Santino Marella: I like-a to play with-a the action figures-a too! Let me-a go get-a my Go-Bots-a, and we-a can pretend-a this Triple H-a action figure-a is Megan Fox-a!

Seth Green: That sounds…awesome, Santino. Hey, what ever happened to you? You used to be cool and funny, but now you’re…not.

Santino: I broke-a up with-a the Beth Phoenix-a, and they-a lost interest-a in me!

Green: That’s too bad. Well, good luck with the action figures, man.

Triple H: Megan Fox, huh? I’m way hotter than that piece. So, what’s going on? Getting ready for the big main event?

Green: Yeah. If anybody from their team sells for me, I’m fining them $500. You guys really need to take this more seriously.

HHH: Oh, come on, you’re at least half as athletic as Jay Leno.

John Cena: Hey guys! What’s up? I came in to do a rap about Seth Green owning RAW a-

Green: Look, brother, did you know I was on Beverly Hills 90210? The old one? Well, I was. I was, like, eight, but it happened. So I know a little something about what you’re doing here, and I appreciate it. I really do. But, I’m not going to have any white people rapping horribly on my show, you got that?

Cena: What a buzz kill this guy turned out to be. Way to buy RAW, jackass.

HHH: Tell me about it. Can you believe that he told me that I’m on RAW too much? The nerve!

Green: I wonder if any random celebrities would like to buy this crap off me?

Billy Gibbons: Son, “Random Celebrity Who Buys Crap” is on my business card.

Green: HOLY CRAP IT’S GANDOLF!

Gibbons: Uh….Yeah. You Shall Not Pass On this Deal!

(ads)

Seth-

(ads)

Seth Green, Triple H, and John Cena vs. The Lemony

They shelled out for Seth to use “Welcome to the Jungle” as his theme for somet reason. I’m guessing this episode never makes it onto a DVD. Seth tags in and gets off a punch on Cody who completely no-sells it and chases him around the ring until he’s ambushed by Hunter. I thought Randy said not to touch Seth, Couchy! You better check yourself. Things go back and forth for a while, until Seth tries to break up a pinfall and almost gets punted in the head by Orton. Sadly, Cena breaks this up. Look, I have nothing against Seth Green. In fact, I’m looking forward to Mass Effect 2, but I still wanted to see him get punted in the head. You know, I kind of wish he would’ve booked himself in a death match against Amber Benson here. Anyway, The Lemony breaks up the festivities with chairs, which Hunter counters with a sledgehammer, which he playfully swings at John Cena’s neck. And Seth…has clearly had enough of this nonsense.

Next Week: ZZ Top buys RAW, leading to about nine pages of beard-related jokes. Plus, Jack Swagger fights Maryse in the best crossover feud ever! And Chris Jericho sinks to new depths in his search for one half of the Unified Tag Team Champions, when he calls Lance Storm to see what that guy’s been up to.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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