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Every Girl's Crazy 'bout Velcro Fly~!

July 23, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: Nothing of note happened, mostly because RAW was owned by actor Seth Green. Also Harry Potter debuted. And…umm…Randy Orton? Maybe something interesting will happen…TONIGHT!
(Opening Credits) 

Hey, it’s John Cena! Take it away, John!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo! YO! YO!

ZZ Top just bought
Monday Night RAW
I’m so excited,
I can’t even snore!

What will happen,
Will I get traded away?
Will I get to punch,
Cody Rhodes today?

Night of Champions,
Cena on fire!
The Spinnin’ Title,
Is all I desire.

Triple H? No way?
Randy Orton? No fear!
There is only one Champions,

Randy Orton: Well if it isn’t Joe Cedar! King of the rappering and liming game. Well I am Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, and holster of the WB Girl’s Chocolatechip!

Cena: Hey, Randy! Do you remember when we had this match at Wrestlemania? And you kicked Hunter in the head? And beat me? Good times, man. Good times.

Orton: It’s time to drop the parade, Joe. We both know that Triopoly H is going to wig. Neither of us can stopper him from his goal of winning seventy girl’s titles in 3009. It is his…DESTINY~!

Cena: Sigh. Hey, Randy? Can I ask you a question?

Orton: Butter corpse.

Cena: Do you actually hear voices in your head?

Orton: Would I be so Mentosly sable if I did? Now, Mr. Cedar, I am going to ask a quillion of you! Do you want to be beatered up by The Lemony?!

Cena: Do I ever?

So The Lemony comes down to ringside, but before the beating can start, Triple H cuts them off.

Triple H: I am deeply disturbed by the fact that this show has gone on for five minutes and I haven’t appeared once. What the hell is going on here? I though ZZ Top loved me!

Cena: I kind of miss Seth Green, to be honest. He seemed to have a bead on Randy.

HHH: Yeah, except he’s too small like-

Cena: Hogger?

HHH: No, I was going to say-

Cena: A Hobbit.

HHH: We’re not supposed to bring that up because of He Who Should Not Be Named.

Cena: Lord Voldemort?!

HHH: Benoit, you idiot! And I was talking about your penis.

Cena: GASP!

Orton: I challengerize all of you to a mitch!

Cena: But Triple H and I hate each other! How will we ever get along long enough to beat you guys?

HHH: Oh wait! I know! We’ll bond over our mutual hatred for Cody Rhones.

Cody Rhodes: Hey!

Now we’re backstage in the RAW Recording Studio with ZZ Top. Quick, ZZ Top fact check! Uh…Three members, Billy Gibbons, Dusty Hill (not Rhodes), and Frank Beard, who does not, in fact, have a beard. The wrote a theme song for My Darling Stacy. I think my dad has one of their albums. That’s all I’ve got.

Billy Gibbons: I can’t believe we bought RAW. I love it. It’s just too bad we won’t have enough cash for beard combs this month.

Dusty Hill: Yes. There is that. You know, we’ve been WWE cans for a long time, and I’ve always wanted to fire WWE RAW Referee Charles Robison. Do you think we can make that happen? Let’s go fire Charles Robison!

Santino Marella: But wait-a! First you-a must let-a me join-a in your band-a! I have-a been wearing-a this weird-a beard all-a day long-a!

Billy: I don’t know, Santino.

Dusty: Ah, what the hell. It’s not like he’s any less stupid than Frank. You’re in. Do you know how to play keytar?

Santino: I practically-a invented the keytar-a!

Billy: Will you stand here while we recite a slam poetry version of “Cheap Sunglasses?”

Santino: Standing here-a is pretty much-a all I do-a these days-a!

Dusty: You know, Billy, I’m deeply disturbed by the lack of wrestling on this show.

Billy: The more time we take up now, the less likely it is we’ll have to book a women’s match.

Dusty: Oh yeah!


Kofi Kingston, Primo Colon, and Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Jack Swagger, Carlito Colon, and The Big Show

This match is apparently brought to us by “Dave and Busters,“ which is what you get when you have a whole week without ads. Five of these guys are in the U.S. Title match, plus Miz and minus Primo. Lillian thinks that MVP stands for “Moldy Veiny Prunes,” which it does. Cole and Lawler argue that Kofi has no chance of winning the Six Pack Challenge at Night of Champions, but I think they’re forgetting that he is Shelton. Wait…I forget where I was going with that one. Anyway, what ever happened to Evan Bourne? Wasn’t he supposed to be in this match? Did he have to go back to TNA?


I don’t know about you guys, but I can’t wait for next month’s follow-up from WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan. 2005’s Songs in the Key of Doan was revolutionary, but Gettin’ Things Doan - The Life and Times of Jack Doan is supposed to be pretty amazing. Primo hits the flying head butt (what’s with all the Benoit references tonight?) on Carlito for the win. Well, it’s nice that they got that out of the way, but isn’t Primo not even in Sunday’s match? Show comes back into the ring and lays everybody out, including his partners. Which isn’t very polite. I hope Dave and Busters is proud of this match.


Dusty Hill: What did you say it was called again?

Billy Gibbons: Fuzzy?

Chris Jericho: Fozzy. Come on, man. We’re like…soul brothers or something!

Santino Marella: I guess-a you’re not-a as famous-a as you thought-a!

Dusty: Sorry, man. I loved Redemption Song, though.

Jericho: Yeah? Great.

Billy: I didn’t. So I’m going to make you fight Mark Henry again tonight.

Dusty: Now give me all your lovin’.

ZZ Top is…not the best acting troupe.


The Brian Kendrick vs. The Jerry “” Lawler

The Spanky comes out and tells The Lawler to make sure The Chris Jericho knows how awesome he is, and The Jerry is not having any of it, so he gets in the ring. Is it time for his bi-annual random push over an actual wrestler already? Geez. It seems like just yesterday he was feuding with The Jericho. The Lawler wins with a fist drop, because somebody backstage hates The Spanky. And apparently, it’s The ZZ Top, and probably The Triple H too.


WWE Diva Josh Matthews is standing by, in the crowd, with Alexis Laree. Err…I guess Seth Green was right. She is Mickie James. Who knew?

WWE Diva Josh Matthews: WWE Diva Josh Matthews here and I’m standing by with Ale…Mickie James? Really? That’s what we’re going with? Ok then. Mickie, I have to ask you, do you think you’ll be able to beat Maryse on Sunday after she pinned you last week?

Mickie James: Yes, Josh. You see, on Sunday it isn’t going to be a bikini match. It’s going to be wrestling, at which I am much better than her! So, you better watch out Maryse because I’m going after that…Diva’s Title? Ugh. Is it too late to ask to be traded to Smackdown?

The Miz: Mickie, it’s time for a reality check. I don’t know what I meant by that, I just wanted to say it. Because I’m the Miz, and I’m not so bad.

Mickie: I’ve touched Maryse’s groin more times than you ever have!

Miz: The truth hurts. But not as much as this!

And then Maryse jumps out of the crowd and sprays hairspray in Mickie’s face. Cole with the “Maurice” call! This is just like when Rick Martel battled Jake Roberts.

Backstage, Mark Henry is smiling creepily at a camera man.


Chris Jericho vs. Mark Henry

WWE RAW Referee Charles Robinson is out there, so I guess ZZ Top hasn’t gotten to him yet. Henry with the Giant Swing, like he’s Eugene or something. Hey! There’s a gimmick Big Show hasn’t stolen from you! Jericho finally gets sick of this nonsense and just whacks Henry with a chair, but Henry no-sells it and throws him at Michael Cole, which is a fate worse than death. Jericho tries to respond with a Code Breaker, but just ends up getting slammed for his troubles. Didn’t…didn’t Chris get drafted off this show?

Backstage, Chavo is hanging out with ZZ Top.

Chavo Guerrero: Ok, what stupid crap do you have me doing tonight? Jobbing to Hersheyswithalmonds, again? Cool, man. Whatever.

Billy Gibbons: Now why would we do that? No, we’ve got a special match planned for you tonight.

Dusty Hill: A Sharp Dressed Man match.

Billy: Against Holeinone, of course.

Chavo: Of course.

Santino Marella: Looks like-a you should’ve-a convinced Vickie-a to stay-a!

Chavo: Why are you still back here?

Dusty: That’s a good question….


Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero
In a Sharp Dressed Man Match

And now, for the introduction to this match, Lillian Garcia.

Lillian Garcia: This is a…match? With…dress…the winner?

Oh, man, I’m going to miss her so much. Chavo, of course, has his pants sewn together as the random “Chavo Humiliation Tour 2009” continues unabated. Horny uses his “speed” and “agility” to strip Chavo of his top half, before Chavito finally gets sick of it all and starts whipping Hornswoggle with his jacket. Why didn’t Chavo just concede the pants and fight it out normally? I gues sI get my answer when Horny spends about a half hour taking off Chavo’s pants, and he runs around ringside covering up his boxers. As if I haven’t seen you wearing more revealing clothes a billion times before, Chavo!


John Cena: Yo, Hunter. Do you think we’re going to win tonight?

Triple H: Let’s see, John. We’ve the top two wrestlers in WWE, and we’re up again Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase and Randy Orton. If we don’t win, there’s something horribly wrong with us.

Cena: Omigod! What if there is something horribly wrong with us! What then?!

HHH: Given your new John Deere themed outfit, I’m beginning to wonder about that myself. Oh well, whatever. Just remember that on Sunday, I’m winning the Spinnin’ World Title.

Cena: And what if I win?

HHH: Then I have you traded to Smackdown and I get to beat up CM Punk for a couple months. Whichever.



Billy Gibbons: Man, I used to love wrestling. What happened?

Dusty Hill: That’s a loaded question that we just don’t have time to answer. Let’s just say, this show has been a microcosm of that.

Billy: Did you just say “microcosm?” What’s gotten into you?

Dusty: I have to get out of this place!

Santino Marella: But-a you can’t-a leave! We-a haven’t done-a “Legs-a” parody yet-a!

Billy: Does Stacy still work here?

Santino: No-a! But Kelly Kelly-a Kelly Kelly-a does! (Satire Shout Out!)

Dusty: I’ll take it.

Kelly dances around for a while, then Alicia Fox, then Gail Kim, and Rosa Mendes. It’s nice to see them using the girls in such a pivotal role. Santino starts grinding against a chair, and at that point even ZZ Top is like, “We’re better than this.” So they bail.

Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are in the ring. Ok. Elsewhere….

Chris Jericho: Goddamn it, Mark Henry. Can’t you turn face against somebody else? Geez. I wasn’t even supposed to be on this show anymore.

Ted DiBiase: Hey, what’s up, loser? I can’t wait to beat you on Sunday.

Cody Rhodes: Yeah, who did you get to be your partner? Kung Funaki? WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda?

Jericho: Ugh. Guys, we’re all heels here. Can’t we just get along until Sunday?

DiBiase: Come on, man, you’re the only guy on the roster we can pick on right now.

Rhodes: Yeah. And we’re totally going to beat you on Sunday, because you don’t have a partner!

Jericho: Hey, you know who else didn’t have a partner going into one of these matches a few years ago? Ted DiBiase. And when he fought Bob Holly and Cody Rhodes, who do you think he revealed as his partner?

Rhodes: OH MAN! WHO?!

DiBiase: It was you, idiot! You were my mystery partner!

Rhodes: Surely you don’t mean to suggest that I would turn on The Lemony to do an awful repeat of history!

Jericho: Nope. I said that I wanted a good partner.

DiBiase: Oooh…Zing!


Apparently, Shaq is in talks to buy RAW. Oh, man, I hope he hosts as Kazaam.

Kelly Kelly Kelly and Gail Kim vs. Rosa Mendes and Alicia Fox

Lawler talks about their legs for a half hour, because it’s ZZ Top night. Kelly’s are the best, by the way. Kelly’s also the only person wrestling in sneakers again. There’s something weird going on there, and I’m not just talking about how Kelly’s slowly morphing into Torrie Wilson (seriously, check it out some time. It’s eerie. She‘s even stolen Torrie‘s whole moveset). Basically, the Divas stumble around the ring for a while, and then Alicia wins it with a roll-up. In the ropes, but whatever. I don’t think anybody cares. Heh. King even calls the ropes. Way to pay attention, Jerry!


ZZ Top comes out and waves goodbye to the crowd. I’m sorry, I can’t tell if the car they’re in is one of their famous cars or not. And I don’t really care enough to find out. I feel horrible about that, but…eh.

The Lemony vs. Triple H and John Cena
In a Handicap Match

Randy Orton looks genuinely surprised when Lillian says “Handicap Match.” This is either because: 1) He is Randy Orton or 2) Because Lillian Garcia is actually right, this is indeed a handicap match. Hunter with an hour long suplex on Cody. I can’t believe ZZ Top didn’t want to stick around for this thrilling action. Basically, The Lemony cannot do anything right, and Cena and Hunter stand around the ring screaming and pointing at random people in the crowd during the entire first half of the match. Get your head in the game, Couchy!


DiBiase in control out of the break and…Er…Wait. Never mind. Oh, ok! Orton finally takes control of Hunter with a CHINLOCK~! That’s how you do things, boys. I can’t wait until five years from now, when Cody and Ted can take what they’ve learned from Orton, and main event Wrestlemania with forty minutes of chinlocks. It’ll be the ECW title match, but still. Things go crazy go nuts for a little while, until Hunter is able to shepherd Cody and Ted away from the ring. Orton lines up the boot to the head, but Cena wins with a roll-up, which…What is this, a Diva’s match? After the match, Cena and Hunter share an uncomfortable hug while Randy tries to steal ZZ Top’s car. I wonder how he’ll get along with Shaq.

Next Week: Shaquille O’Neal dunks Santino Marella. Also, new WWE Spinnin’ Champion Triple H spends an entire hour just staring longingly at Shaq’s biceps. Also, Chris Jericho reveals his new tag team partner: Zack Ryder.


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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