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Tonight's Secret Ingredient: Chris F. Masters!

July 31, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Night: All the Champions defended their belts, just like they should on every PPV! But this time, it’s a gimmick. Randy Orton successfully defended his Spinnin’ World Title, essentially by being the worst guy in the match. Also: Big Show is apparently smarter than Edge. We’ll find out who else is smarter than Edge… TONIGHT! 
(Opening Credits) 

I’m running a lot late thanks to a lot of different things that you don’t care about. So I’m doing a quicky Satire this week. It should be fine though, because I can’t understand a word Shaq is going to say here. Anyways, Jerry “” Lawler is in the ring, and he announces the new owner of RAW as the 15-Time MVP, Shaquille O’Neal.

Which is wrong on at least a couple different levels. Firstly because it’s not correct, and secondly because I don’t remember Shaq ever being Montel Vontavious Porter, even for one season. Maybe this year though. LeBron can be “Ballin’” or whatever. Shaq immediately corrects this (through translator Dikembe Motombo), by saying that he may not be MVP, but MVP *is* in a beat the clock challenge tonight to find out who will meet Randy Orton at Summerslam. The others? Triple H (of course), John Cena (of course), Mark Henry (of…course?), and Jack Swagger, because Hornswoggle was busy, I guess. Chris Jericho is indignant about this for some reason, even though he is not on RAW.

Jericho is apparently pissed that Shaq isn’t Kobe Bryant, which is understandable, I guess. But Kobe wasn’t in Kazaam. Shaq calls Jericho “Christina.” Hilarious. Though it would’ve been more insulting if he would’ve called him “Chris Tian.” Big Show is a huge jerk, and he can’t take another tall guy out here for this long so he tromps out too. Shaq’s just as big a jerk as Show, though, so he challenges Show to a match. I’m pretty sure he’d get sued like hell if he accepted, so he declines. Here’s Cryme Tyme, for no reason. What ever happened to these guys? What’s Smackdown? Is this just because they’re black? Nicely played, WWE.


Mark Henry vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool
In a Beat the Clock Match


So Carlito’s going to bail ten seconds in and that’s it, right? Carlito does bail, and Mark brings him back to the ring. Because he’s dumb. Then he goes for a sleeper, because…I don’t think Mark quite gets the concept of this “Beat the Clock” thing. Somebody let him know that he has to win this match as quickly, right? And that he’s just fighting Carlito? Mark finally wins with a World’s Strongest Slam, which is totally not holding up when Hunter beats Jamie Noble in a tenth of a second later or whatever.

Backstage, Mickie James, Kelly Kelly Kelly, and Gail Kim are making fun of the Diva’s Title.


Jason Campbell is at ringside. Hiding from Michael Vick. Hey, now there’s a host for this show.

Gail Kim, Kelly Kelly Kelly, and Mickie James vs. Alicia Fox, Rosa Mendes, and Beth Phoenix

Woah. Beth Phoenix sighting. Where has she been hiding. Was it “Parts Unknown?” Out with an “Injury?” Did she finally find a ball to hold over her head? Lawler’s flying solo on this one, which is…not a good idea. For a lot of different reasons. None of which I really have time to discuss right now because I‘m under a big time crunch, but you can probably name fifty or sixty of them right off the top of your head. Kelly with a Washington Wizards shirt, just to confuse the hell out of everyone involved. Mickie With a move (Lawler: PUPPIES!) for the win.

Backstage, Michael Cole asks Shaq how much of his Cavaliers contract went towards buying RAW, but I’m more confused by the Lakers gear than anything else. Where’s his Phoenix Sun stuff? Or his Beth Phoenix Sun stuff? Hornswoggle wanders in and Shaq laughs because he and Horny worked on Steel together. He played Ray J. Michael Cole busts out the line, “I want to lick the Shaqumference of your skull!” Now I see why Michael Cole is back there instead of calling matches with Lawler.


Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters
In a Beat the Clock Match

Ugh. This guy?! We’re trying to get this done quickly, show!

Schinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: We’re back! Can you believe it? I simply cannot believe they rehired the Iron Chef. That guy is terrible.

Dr. Yukio Hatori: I’m not surprised. The guy is jacked all to hell and a good cook. Who wouldn’t want to hire him?

Fukui: So…they have an hour to cook a meal, but MVP has to finish it off faster than seven minutes if he wants to beat the time set by Mark Henry.

Hatori: That guy is super fat. Hey, you know what MVP stands for?

Fukui: I know I’m going to regret ask-

Hatori: Most Venereal Prostitute. I can’t believe they gave your mother that award!

Fukui: Oh, yes. I’ve missed your commentary. It’s still better than Lawler by himself.

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead.



The Brian Kendrick vs. The Kofi Kingston

This isn’t a beat the clock match? Aw. Remember when The Spanky was practically a main eventer on Smackdown? He was even WWE Champion for about ten seconds in that one scramble match. The Kendrick spends literally the entire match on the mic bitching about how crappy The Lawler’s call of the women’s match was. That would be impressive, but for the fact that The Kofi kicks him in five seconds and gets the pin. The Kofi is GOING TO SUMMERSLAM~! Wait…No? Aw.

Triple H is wandering around backstage, when suddenly Ted DiBiase caps him in the knee with a pipe. HHH is all “Why me? Why now?!” I’m just super impressed because nothing ever happens in these walking scenes.


Cody Rhodes (w/ Ted DiBiase) vs. Triple H
In a Beat the Clock Match


It’s funny that Orton would be so concerned with Hunter here, considering he almost always beats him. Which is weird in and of itself. Hunter does that fun thing where he totally hilariously oversells the leg injury 90% of the time, and the other 10% he acts like nothing happened. He goes for the Pedigree a few minutes in, but unfortunately he does it when he’s remembering to sell the leg, so it gives out and he cannot beat the clock. Mark Henry rules over Triple H! And now, let’s send it down to our awesome ring announcer, Lillian Garcia. Lillian?

Lillian Garcia: Your winner as a result of…a losing…failure? Clock? Wins!

Backstage, Shaq and Santino Marella are playing Scattergories, and Shaq is totally doing that thing where you add on a bunch of adjectives that start with the letter onto words that don’t make sense with it for extra points. Like when he rolled “E” for Books of the Bible, he wrote “Exciting, Exhilarating, Even Edifying, Early, Egomaniacal, Epileptic Exodus” for 8 points. Santino really should’ve set the house rules before this game. Of course, when they rolled S, he just wrote Shaq for everything. Cryme Tyme comes in for no reason, and Shaq decides to cut another rap album with them and Santino. I can’t wait! I hope he does a sequel to Shaq Fu too! Shaq Funaki!


Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero
In a Blindfold Match

The long national nightmare continues! So is this a beat the clock match? Because if it’s Hornswoggle/Orton at Summerslam I’m there. I might just buy it twice. The guy must have RAW’s longest active winning streak too. The referee for this contest is their newest addition WWE RAW Referee Justin King, who you can tell is new because he misses Chavo taking off the blindfold about halfway through the match. Those Guerreros! *shakes fist* Anyway, Chavo still manages to miss the Frogsplash and lose the match. Sadly, Hornswoggle is not going to Summerslam.

Backstage, Randy Orton is talking to Jack Swagger, who seems pretty convinced that he’s going to win the Beat the Clock challenge, despite the fact that he is, in fact, Jack Swagger. This is derailed a bit when Mark Henry materializes and devours Swagger.


Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne
In a Beat the Clock Match

Aw, they got Jack dislodged from Mark’s gullet before he started getting digested. What ever happened to Evan Bourne anyway? Remember when he was, like, kind of a big deal? Then he couldn’t even get into his own match. He got replaced by Primo Colon! The Prime Colon! Swagger tries “wrestling’ with Evan, but Evan’s straight out of the X-Division, so you can guess how that goes over. In fact, Evan even finishes with the official X-Division Finisher (the Roll-Up ™) for the win. Evan Bourne is GOING TO SUMMERSLAM~! No? Will somebody please explain the rules of this to me? Lillian?

Lillian Garcia: The quickest first man to pinfall or submission will get a shot at a chance of an opportunity for Randy Orton in Summerslam to beat the clock match is scheduled for one fall!

Thanks, that clears it up.


Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Matthews asks about Hunter’s knee, and gets an hour long rant about how The Lemony is a bunch of dogs and how you can kill a dog by cutting off it’s tail. Which…I don’t think is anatomically correct. I think what he’s trying to say is that he’s going to horribly maim Randy Orton and throw off his natural sense of balance by beating up Cody Rhodes. But even that doesn’t make sense. Maybe he’s going to drown them in a sack of puppies? (Lawler: PUPPIES!) Oh! Oh! Oh! I’ve got it! Does Ted DiBiase have a tail?

The Miz is in the ring mocking the Washington Redskins. Man, they have enough problems as it is. Rubbing it in is just mean. Besides, the Nationals are right there, you know?


The Miz vs. John Cena
In a Beat the Clock Match

Maybe Hunter just failed anatomy and thought a dog’s heart was in its tail. I’ve made that mistake before…wait…no I haven’t. Hey! Remember when Miz was totally feuding with Cena? And one upping him every week despite the two never wrestling? Yeah, well that was, like, weeks ago. It means nothing! Backstage, even Mark Henry is like, “The Miz? Aww.” Orton is also watching this match, meaning that Cena’s totally winning this. Way to telegraph it you guys. And sure enough, four minutes in, he rolls Miz into an STFU for the win. JOHN CENA IS GOING TO SUMMERSLAM! LIKE ALWAYS! AGAIN!

Backstage, Shaq is wearing a referee shirt. He catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror and immediately starts bitching about getting called for charging. To be fair, Santino flopped. Damn Europeans.


Chris Jericho and The Big Show vs. Cryme Tyme
With Special Guest Referee WWE RAW Referee Shaquille O’Neal

Jericho and Big Show are immediately the “Team I’d Most Like to Hang Out With.” It was either them or The Lemony, and that would just be so I’d be close enough to Cody Rhodes to punch him. The crowd with a “Christina” chant, because apparently they’re even less creative than Shaq. Now, to be fair, you can buy a copy of Shaq-Fu: Da Return on Amazon for $0.01. And if Rick wants to write his own Amazon referral link for that…more power to him. Did you know that Shaq has six (!) albums in his discography? And that one of those is a “Best of” album? He’s even more prolific than WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan! Anyway, Show gets himself disqualified for basically being better than everybody else in this match. Shaq takes exception to this. Double Goozle! Shaq with the Shoulder to the Chest! That’s His Move! Michael Cole with a “Boom Shakalaka!” He’s quoting NBA Jam now, folks! Shaq dunks Hornswoggle again! BEST RAW EVER!


Ok, maybe not.

Next Week: Some Guy I’ve Never Heard Of from Some Show I’ve Never Seen buys RAW. Seriously, why can’t they just have Kristen Bell or somebody I actually like buy this show? Also, Randy Orton gets set to take on John Cena in a match I haven’t seen in at least a week. And also? Shaq will dunk Hornswoggle again. Just because.


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