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Stranger Than Fiction

August 6, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: Shaq dunked on pretty much the whole roster. Also, John Cena won a beat the clock challenge, setting up everybody’s dream match (again), him vs. Randy Orton (again). Also, for no reason, Cryme Tyme. Who will show up for no reason…TONIGHT?

(Opening Credits)

Lillian Garcia: And now the hit star or some TV show, and the new movie something something something…um…This guy!

This guy is Jeremy Piven, I guess? And Lillian begins going down his list of credits. Duckman *and* Rugrats? I’m impressed, Mr. Piven! Of course, he’s best known for playing the role of Spence Kovak, who for some odd reason managed to tie the Ellen, Gracy Under Fire, Drew Carey, and Coach universes together. And a world where Dobber couldn’t hang out with Ellen is not a world I want to live in.

Piven comes out in a pretty swank car, and a pleather shirt, along with a pimp of vaguely asian decent, who is angrily throwing money out of his crotch. Apparently, this guy is was in a couple movies I have never seen. Apparently he is actually a real doctor (huh?) and he graduated from both Duke and North Carolina, so he clearly hates himself. Interestingly, he was in The Office, apparently, so I must’ve seen him at least once.

Doctor Ken: Yipyipyipyipyip

WWE Chief Medical Officer Doctor The Boogeyman: I’m WWE Chief Medical Officer Doctor The Boogeyman, and I’m coming to QUESTION YOUR MEDICAL LICEEEEEENSE!

Jeremy Piven: My agent told me this would get me away from my slime ball image, but I’m not so sure! I probably should’ve just gotten another case of mercury poisoning rather than buy this stupid show.

Dr. Ken: Yip.

Dr. Yukio Hatori: You’re not even the most relevant Asian doctor on this show! Get out of here!

Kenji Fukui: I dare say he’s more of a doctor than you.

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Burn!

Dr. Ken: Look everybody! It’s Jeremy Piven! Jeremy Piven, the star of TV’s Entourage is slumming it to appear on your show! He won three Emmy’s! And if that doesn’t impress you, here’s a bunch of words that rhyme with Piven! Given. Riven. Striven. Unforgiven….

Piven: And if you don’t know who this guy is, and you don’t, he was in The Hangover. It’s Doctor Ken! KEN!

Piven kind of looks like Dave Matthews. Why hasn’t Dave Matthews been asked to host? Anyway, Piven runs out onto the ramp and shoots off some pyro, which, even I have to admit, I’d totally do if I was hosting. Which I think I am, sometime in December. Anyway, here’s The Miz.

The Miz: Costumes? Throwing crotch cash into the crowd? What do you guys think this is anyway? This isn’t some kind of joke show! This is Pro Wrestling! When Chris Jericho gets wind of this, you guys are going to be in so much trouble!

Dr. Ken: YipYipYip

Piven: Listen here, “Les Miserables” that’s right, I’m an actor, I’ve read plays! I know you were on The Real World, but this is The Fake World, and in The Fake World, Dr. Ken is some kind of weird whore, and I wear a medieval pleather tunic, ok? Geez. And you don’t have the goods.

Dr. Ken: YipYipYip

Miz: Ok, now even I think this segment is stupid. The only way it could get more stupid is if John Cena came out here.


Miz: Yip.

Cena: I think we can all agree that this segment is horrible, and the only way to make it more horrible is if I demean Miz into not being even remotely a credible threat anymore and then challenge him to a match where I will defeat him in literally seconds.

Dr. Ken: Yip! Hey, do you want me to remove your spleen? I can do that.

Piven: Have I mentioned The Goods recently? It’s a movie.

Cena: Miz, you have no moveset and are a total jobber. I challenge you to a match!


Miz: The most generic gimmick match in the history of gimmick matches? Great. What, did we run out of Coal Miner’s Gloves? I hate this show.

Piven: And if you lose? You’re banned from Summerfest!

Miz: Noooooooooooo! Europe is headlining Summerfest this year. Do you know how long I’ve been waiting to hear “Final Countdown” live?

Piven: And you’re banned from the Staples Center for life. No more Clippers games.

Miz: Is…is that even legal?

Piven: And you’re banned from RAW. Like Johncena said to tell you. That’s all one name, right?

Miz: Oh thank God. Do you guys think ECW is hiring?


Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger

I like Jack Swagger‘s music, because it has nothing to do with anything. We spend a few moments reminiscing about how Evan totally beat Jack Swagger last week, which is an amazing upset because Swagger is, like, a couple inches taller than Evan, maybe. So yeah, I buy that. What an incredible feat. He should be proud to have beaten Jack Swagger. Better than being in TNA anyway. Swagger, of course, wins with a power bomb, like, ten seconds later. So I’m not sure what we just accomplished there. After the match, MVP comes out to hold Evan Bourne’s limp frame in his arms. Awwww!


Backstage, Jeremy Piven is hanging out with Rosa Mendez, Kelly Kelly Kelly, and Alicia Fox, who normally hate each other, but they’re ensorcelled by the fact that he’s celebrity at something other than wrestling. Also, at least he probably showers. Unfortunately, Dr. Ken is also there, offering to give the girls exams.

Jeremy Piven: I never really realized how annoying you are. Look, tone it down or you’re going to scare all these girls away! Just go…fight the Big Show or something.

Doctor Ken: Are you for real? That guy is super fat. Confucius say “No Fatties.”

Piven: Even I’m offended by how blatantly racist that was.

Big Show: Is somebody calling me fat in here? God. First Jim Ross, then Shaq, now you two. I’m not fat! I’m seven feet tall and have a massive glandular problem. Leave a guy alone or I’m going to tell everybody how terrible they already know your movie is going to be.

Dr. Ken: YipYipYip

Piven: Look, what if I give you a title match. Who’s that guy I saw wearing the belt earlier? Shelton something? You can fight him, and if you win, you get a belt. That will really help once you buy pants.

Show: Well…You’re better than ZZ Top.

Dr. Ken: I miss your mustache!

Gail Ki-


Gail Kim and Mickie James vs. Beth Phoenix and Jillian Hall

Holy crap! Jillian still exists? The girls stand still for a while and pretend to enjoy watching a trailer for Jeremy Piven’s movie. I feel really sorry for them. I wonder how Gail feels about Dr. Ken. Apparently, we have Mr. Piven to thank for this match, because he could pick Mickie James out of a lineup. Maybe if you told him she was Alexis Laree. No? Ok, then. Gail somehow misses Beth’s blind tag which happened two feet from her, and Beth comes in with a Glam Slam (Michael Cole “That’s her move!”). Poor rookie WWE RAW Referee Justin King gets all the crappy jobs.

Backstage, Triple H is crying. Aw…I’m sorry you’re not the most smug star on RAW anymore, Hunter.


The Lemony vs. Triple H

I’ve come to the conclusion that I really, really hate Lemony’s new music. Hunter goes for the Pedigree thirty seconds in, of course, but DiBiase breaks it up. Cody Rhodes looks sick. Like, physically ill. Moreso than usual even! Lawler with some actually insightful commentary, noting that Hunter will want to finish them off quickly, even though he hates them, because of attrition. Ok, look, that’s kind of a “Duh” comment, but baby steps here with Lawler and Cole. Like it’d be hard to beat The Lemony quickly anyway. Geez.


Rhodes with a CHINLOCK~! out of the break, and Lawler and Cole talk about how much they’ve learned from Randy Orton. Chinlocks and walking backwards in during transitions, apparently. There was a four week correspondence course. Hunter begins to turn things around, of course, dispatching of Ted, and hitting the PEDIGREE TO COUCHY for the…wait…DiBiase comes in and hits Dream Street, and Cody with Cross Rhodes for the win. Wait…what? Even Ted looks dubious. Hunter grabs a mic.

Triple H: Holy crap. Did I just seriously get beat by Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase? I used to be better than this! I beat up the whole Spirit Squad by myself, like, eight times. I must be getting…old. This is terrible! What the hell should I do?! I’d call Flair and Batista, but Mondays are Ric’s Bingo nights now, and I think he’s really pissed about that whole making him quit Ring of Honor thing. And Dave, well…heh. Poor Dave. Oh! Wait. I know who I’ll call. That’ll learn you for beating me! And if you’re not down with that, I’ve got two words for you!

Too Bad?

Meanwhile, in Florida….

Scott Hall: You hear that, Kev? Hunter’s getting the band back together! We’re reforming the Kliq!

Kevin Nash: Scott, how long have you been hiding in my linen closet?

Hall: Since early 2007? You never go in here anyway.

Nash: Fair enough. Don’t you know that I can’t go to WWE to be Hunter’s partner? I’m locked in an eternal struggle with Mick Foley over the Old Guy Championship.

Hall: Oh yeah? Well I’ve got an Old Guy Championship for you! Right down there!

Nash: Down where?




Backstage, Dr. Ken, Jeremy Piven, and the girls are…still watching the same trailer. Holy crap. What is that, a half hour of this trailer? I know why Kelly can stand it, but I thought you were better than this…Alicia, at least!

Chavo Guerrero: Hey! Dave Matthews! I love your band! Because of Winn Dixie is my favorite movie.

Jeremy Piven: Uh…Thanks? Hey, aren’t you Kerwin White?!

Chavo: Uh….

Piven: Oh. My. God. Kerwin White! You are my favorite wrestler ever, man! What can I help you with?! Anything. You name it.

Chavo: I want to stop getting punished for my aunt leaving the company. And I want a win over Hookandladder.

Piven: Yeah man, I read the Satire. Houshmandzadeh. Hortonhearsawho! All those good names. Heh.

Chavo: The what?

Piven: Never mind. Match granted. I never knew they had actual stars on this show!

Chavo: I know! The Buffalo Wild Wings Voice Over Guy and Harold from Harold and Kumar all in the same segment! Wow.

Alicia Fox: Ok, can I leave now?

Piven: NO!

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Primo Caribbean Cool

I hate it when Colons fight. Jerry Lawler spends about an hour trying to get Cole to shut up long enough so that he can name drop Carlos Colon, as if anybody cares. Good effort though, Jerry! Primo with a hand under the ropes to break up a pinfall. “Body Part Under the Ropes” is this year’s new booking thing. It’s happened in a handful of matches just about every week despite almost never happening over the past five years. It’s kind of like when the Boston Crab had a huge resurgence in 2008 for no reason. Primo rolls Carlito up, but Carlito reverses into a Backstabber, and he still manages to look pissed about all of this. Dude, Primo/Carlito wasn’t exactly Summerfest material.


Chavo Guerrero vs. Mark Henry

Piven and Dr. Ken pull the bait and switch after Chavo is already in the ring, claiming that they didn’t know that the Kerwin White character was somehow more racist than Dr. Ken. Well, yeah. Henry comes out in a little hat and looks just thrilled to have found a gimmick Big Show hasn’t stolen yet. I’m finally starting to like Mark Henry, I think. Lawler offers up, “Imagine the gold at the end of Mark Henry’s rainbow!” I’d…rather not. He catches Chavo with the World’s Strongest Slam for the win. After the match, Hornswoggle runs out and hits the Tadpole Splash. Some of the most hilariously bad high school dancing occurs, and then Mark Henry jumps about ten feet in the air to click his heels. Yikes.

Backstage, Big Show is walking and Kofi is Shelton.


Backstage, Randy Orton walks into Piven’s room, and Dr. Ken falls over. Orton wins!

Jeremy Piven: Randy Orton! Hey, man, sorry I couldn’t come up with a match for you tonight, but I found out they fired The Brian Kendrick! Something about them running out of Thes!

Randy Orton: Shutter it ups, Geronimo Pivot! It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and holster of the WORT Girl’s Chocolatechip! I care not for you, or Dapper Kid or These Barren Kitkats! What I am caring about is revengence on Joe Cedar and DESTINY~!

Piven: Are you asking me to turn heel?

Orton: In a world? I may porpoisely be saying that, yet.

Piven: Deal!


The poor girls are strapped to the couch and still watching that trailer, by the way, so I guess I should’ve seen this coming.

Big Show (w/ Chris Jericho) vs. Kofi Kingston
For the WWE United States Title

Jericho’s on commentary, and begins a hilarious back and forth, where he forces Lawler to ignore the match and talk about A) How awesome Big Show is, B) How Many Titles They’ve Won (Jericho + Big Show = 40+, Jerry Lawler = 500+ Mid-South Titles), and C) Twitter. Jericho’s Tweeting during this match, I can tell. Jericho has the audacity to mock Lawler’s million title reigns when he was booking in Tennessee, which makes Andy Kauffman cry, I’m sure. Jericho correctly identifies WWE RAW Referee Charles Robinson, causing a mild freakout at the announce table because nobody’s supposed to know who the referees are anymore. How is WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan going to promote his new CD now? Big Show won’t break in the corner, so that’s a DQ. Aw.


Backstage, Hunter is on the phone….

Triple H: Hey, man, you watching the show? Heh. I don’t blame you. I only do it because I’m on this damn show. I probably should’ve stayed on Smackdown. Just kidding. Anyway, What are you up to next week? You haven’t done a job lately, right? How’d you like to come to Calgary? Are you ready? Huh? I said “Are you ready?” Hello? Hello?


Mr. Hughes: Why would he call me?

John Cena v-


Apparently, Sergeant Slaughter is in talks to buy RAW. Yo Joe!

John Cena vs. The Miz
In a Lumberjack Match

Jeremy Piven and Doctor Ken come out, and they’ve decided to surround the ring with all the heels, including, for some reason, Chavo. I thought Chavo and Piven hated each other? It would be funny if he helped Cena win, though. Not that that’s going to happen. Lawler falls all over himself to explain the rules of a lumberjack match for some reason, as if there’s anybody still watching this show that doesn’t know what’s going on. Hilariously, he says “Wrestlers” and Michael Cole has an absolute conniption fit and screams “Sports Entertainers!” at the top of his lungs. God bless Michael Cole, you know? Anyway, Miz controls most of the match with Lemony’s help, but Cena wins anyway, because that’s what he does. So long, Miz! Jeremy Piven comes off the top (!), but Cena catches him. Because that’s what he does. Dr. Ken jumps in the ring and tries to hit John with a cane, but Cena grabs him and tosses him out onto Jack Swagger, who promptly drops Dr. Ken onto his head. I think we all would’ve done the same there.

Next Week: Sgt. Slaughter turns heel on all you maggots after G. I. Joe turns out to be horrible. Also, John Cena defies the odds and gravity to beat up Randy Orton on a hot air balloon. Plus, Triple H fights The Lemony with the help of his tag team partner, X-Pac.


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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