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Shawn Michaels' Grill Needs Less Kane

August 13, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Just a Note:

You won’t see me again for two weeks, as I will be out of town next week. I will, however, be bringing you an action packed Double Satirestraviganza when I get back, so keep your eyes peeled for that. And then quit peeling your eyes, because that’s really gross, you guys.

Last Week: Jeremy Piven and Dr. Ken (KEN!) were way less camera ready than an Emmy winning actor and a terrible comedian should be. Also, Triple H realized that he is nothing without a smarky sidekick. And John Cena something something something Randy Orton. It’ll be more of the same…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Hey, it’s Randy Orton, who for some reason, gets full music treatment even though he’s already in the ring. What’s the deal, Randy?

Randy Orton: It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and Holster of the HUD Girl’s Chocolatechip. And I am out here to balk about dollies. Did I dolly Germany Pivot? Yes. Did I dolly Dumpster Kennedy? Yes. And I’m going to dolly each and everly one in this crown until I get which I want! The HUD Girl’s Chocolatechip! Which…I all really have.

John Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE! And I’m not even going to come out here and yell and SCREAM A LOT! I’m not even going to rap because I’m SO ANGRY ABOUT LAST WEEK! How dare you TURN JEREMY PIVEN HEEL?! BUT LATER I’M GOING TO BE SMILING AND MAKING STUPID JOKES! YOU JUST WAIT AND SEE!! I’M WARNING YOU NOW!

Chris Jericho and The Big Show come out to huge cheers. In part because Jericho is Canadian, and because Big Show is the coolest one out here.

Cena: YOU HAVE BAD BREATH! Sorry, I couldn’t hold it.

And with that, Jericho, Show, and even Orton look a bit crestfallen. They had such a great serious segment going here, and John Cena had to go and be…John Cena.

Jericho: Ok, you know what? I’m going to be nice and ignore that. After all, I’m in Canada! And I talked to Sergeant Slaughter, who, for some reason was able to buy RAW, and I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. Beat John Cena?! Is that right? I’ve never one that before? Holy crap you guys, that’s really depressing. I’ve…I’ve got to go sit down.

Orton: Joe Cedar-

Big Show: Hold on, Randy, it’s not your line yet. You see, I talked to Sergeant Slaughter too. And I told him, “Nice hat!” and he liked my compliment so much he gave me a match this week…Against Randy Orton!

Cena: Get out of town! You two aren’t even on RAW!

Show: And yet somehow, we’re its biggest stars.

Backstage, here’s Sergeant Slaughter!

Sergeant Slaughter: I can’t believe I got suckered into buying this show, maggots! Is there a Cash for Clunkers program for lame TV?


Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Alicia Fox vs. Beth Phoenix vs. Gail Kim
In a Winner Gets a Diva’s Title Shot at a “Later Date”

Oooh, I hope it’s some time in November! Gail gets a huge pop either because she’s Canadian, or because her top looks like it’s about to come apart. Lillian Garcia announces Alicia Fox as “Alicia Keyes” which…why the hell not, right? How many more days does she have left on her contract? I’m a little shocked she isn’t just announcing whatever she feels like tonight. I’m even more shocked that Lawler and Cole spend time during this match arguing about who Sarge beat for his WWF Title. Lawler thinks it was Randy Savage which is hilarious. Gail hits her move (That’s her move!) for the win. Best women’s match in years. Not that that’s hard. Or that you would notice.

Here’s Sergeant Slaughter, and…well that one guy in the crowd wearing a G.I. Joe shirt seems pretty psyched about it.

Sergeant Slaughter: The new G.I. Joe movie may be a weird mess, but I’m rolling in the dough thanks to all the residuals that are rolling in right now. Though why I couldn’t get a damn cameo is beyond me. Also beyond me is why in the world I blew it all on buying RAW. This was a really, really awful idea. So to celebrate I’m going to say how much I hate Canada. This place is so much crap. I mean, all the French and whatnot. And now, the Pledge of Allegiance.

And then he says the Pledge of Allegiance. I have no earthly idea why he does this, but so far he’s still better than ZZ Top.


Apparently, Triple H is down in Texas looking for Shawn Michaels. Oh man, I hope he doesn’t find him in an alley acting like a pirate.

No. Wait.

I hope he does!

Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne

Haha! I honestly think I’ll never get tired of Lawler and Cole pretending like they give a crap about Evan Bourne. “Well, he won that one match.” “Well yeah, but come on….” If Chris Nowinski ever had a baby with Kurt Angle, he would be Jack Swagger. Considering how slutty Kurt is, I wouldn’t doubt it. Oh, man, do any of you even remember who Chris Nowinski was? I should really think before I drop these references. Swagger wins it with a power bomb. After the match, Swagger is spitting blood. Moral victory, Evan! MVP comes out to cuddle with Bourne some more, but ends up challenging Swagger to a match instead. And making fun of his lisp, which is just not cool. That’s not behavior you should be teaching your young fans, Mighty Voluminous Panties. Except, MVP doesn’t have any fans, so….


In Texas…..

Triple H: Damn, what did I come to Texas for? Was I looking for Sable or something? Oh, man, that waiter looks just like Shawn Michaels! If…Shawn still had any of his hair.

The Brian Kendrick: Can I take your…oh. It’s you. Get the hell away from me.

HHH: That was weird. Well, I guess if the wait staff isn’t going to feed me, I’ll have to go back to the kitchen myself. Out of my way, little girl!

Tough Enough Jessie: WAAAAH! I’m not so little any more! I just wanted a burger! WAAAAAH!

HHH: Whatever. Hey! Chef! I’m a huge celebrity! Make me a steak.

Chef Shawn Michaels: I’m working as fast…Hunter? Oh. Wonderful.

HHH: Hey, Shawn. Have you seen Lord Steven Regal? I’m looking for a tag team partner.


Sergeant Slaughter: As if the matches I’ve booked here tonight weren’t enough to demonstrate how much I hate Canada, here’s Jillian Hall.

Jillian Hall: Hi everyone!

I thought torture was supposed to be outlawed in the military!


Eugene vs. The Calgary Kid
In a Contract on a Pole Match

Hey! It’s Eugene. Nice seeing you, man. We haven’t had an “on a pole match” on this show in forever. Sergeant Slaughter really knows how to pick them. He’s…he’s still booking this show, right? Michael Cole essentially admits that Calgary Kid is somebody we know in a mask. Maybe it’s Eugene! SHOCKING SWERVE~! Actually, the list of people who want off Smackdown and ECW, and for that matter, TNA is probably ten miles long, so it could be anybody. Unfortunately, it’s not just anybody, it’s The Miz, who wins the match and his job back. I’m not sure if that contract says anything about him being banned in Los Angeles or whatever happened last week, though.

Backstage, Randy Orton is sort of wishing he could wrestle for things tied to poles.


Randy Orton vs. The Big Show

I wonder what adventures Big Show’s mustache is having right now. I’m thinking about having him guest host the Satire one of these days. Maybe next week considering I won’t be around. Orton with that through the ropes DDT, which is kind of neat, but Big Show basically presses him from the ground over top of WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan’s head. A belated congratulations, by the way, to Mr. Doan on his seven Teen Choice Awards. I always knew he had it in him to win “Choice Hottie Referee,” though to be honest, I voted for WWE Smackdown Referee Jimmy Korderis. Orton bails, gets counted out, and this ends this segment.

In Texas….

Triple H: I don’t get it.

Chef Shawn Michaels: Look, do you know how much wear and tear I did to my body? My back’s a mess, my knees will never be right, and hell, I even lost my damn smile again! Besides, you remember that “retirement package” that JBL gave me?

HHH: Yeah?

Chef Shawn: Turns out it was all tied up in GM stock and IOU cards from the board game Payday. So, I kind of needed a job after all.

HHH: I thought you were smarter than that

Chef Shawn: I blew my original fortune on coke and mirror chaps. At what point does that sound like I’m smarter than working as a lunch lady?

HHH: Your grill is on fire, Shawn.

Chef Shawn: Dammit, Kane! I told you not to come in here. I don’t need any more Kane in my kitchen.

Kane: Sorry, dude. I just needed some coffee.

HHH: Yeah, it sounds like you’ve got it pretty good down here. Is Whyspyr proud?

Chef Shawn: You leave her out of this! What’s most important is that I’ve found a job that I actually like.

Tough Enough Jessie: I wanted Ranch Dressing on my salad! WAAAAAAAAH!

Chef Shawn: Ugh. Ok, I’m listening. What are you proposing?

HHH: Do you still have Chyna’s number?


Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Who do you think would win in a battle? Chef Shawn Michaels or Iron Chef Chris Masters?

Fukui: Well, the Iron Chef does have the word “iron” in his name-

Dr. Yukio Hatori: That doesn’t mean much. My doctor once told me that I needed more Iron in my diet, so I ate, like, half an old support beam. It was pretty gross.

Fukui: Aren’t you your own doctor? How could you be that dumb?

Hatori: To be honest, it’s a little hard to think clearly when I’m knee deep in your mother.

Fukui: Would you stop?

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: The challenger made a nice pear-infused bouillabaisse, and handily defeated the Iron Chef. However, afterwards Jack Swagger came out of the Commissioner’s box to distract him, and the Iron Chef dumped a pear seared salmon on top of MVP’s head.

Fukui: How in the hell did we miss all that?

Hatori: The magic of television.


Back in Texas….

Triple H: Man, I hate cooking. Your job sucks.

Chef Shawn Michaels: It was either this or TNA.

HHH: Egh. Pass the salt.

Chef Shawn: Unless there’s another job you can think of that I could do?

HHH: Nope. Hey, are you going to watch Summerslam?

Chef Shawn: Nah. I got tickets to Summerfest that weekend. Oh, geez. It’s my boss. Act like you know what you’re doing!

Swedish Chef: Bork bork bork BORK!

Chef Shawn: Sorry. He snuck back here. He’s a celebrity!

Swedish Chef: Urnee hurnee beferoaurdue bork bork bork!

Shawn Superkicks the Swedish Chef.

Shawn: Man, I’ve been waiting to do that for months. Oh…oh no! Whyspyr is going to kill me. I’m going to get sued and lose my job. Oh no.

HHH: Dude, that really sucks.

Tough Enough Jessie: What did you do to my daddy?! WAAAAH!

Shawn Superkicks Tough Enough Jessie.

HHH: Dude! What did you do that for?!

Shawn: I…Uh…I’d be glad to be your tag team partner against The Lemony at Summerfest, Hunter! Let’s go!

HHH: Noonononono. Not you. I was thinking about X-Pa-

Shawn: No time for that now, we’ve got to get out of here before the cops show up.

HHH: What should we do about the camera guy?

Camera Guy Steve: Your secret is safe with me, guys. Nobody watches this show anyway.

Shawn: Ok. Let’s roll!

Random Old Woman: SUCK IT!

The weirdest thing about those segments wasn’t even how stupid and weird they were. It’s that the live crowd was popping huge for Shawn Michaels. Really, Calgary? I thought I knew you! Sergeant Slaughter is back out. Yay?

Sergeant Slaughter: We’re in Canada, so I bet you’d all like to see Bret Hart, wouldn’t you?

Crowd: No! Screw Bret! More Shawn Michaels!

Sgt. Slaughter: Oh yeah, we’ll here’s “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan instead! Bwahahaha!

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan: Hooooooo!

Crowd: Ok then!


Mark Henry and Hornswoggle vs. The Lemony (w/ Chavo Guerrero)

Mark’s really latched onto this “Hornswoggle’s Cousin” thing hasn’t he. And, this is just a guess, but I’m guessing Mark is related to Horny on his mother’s side. With Sarge being a heel to start the night, Chavo had no problem convincing him to make this match. Allegedly. I don’t think, other than Jericho and Show off-handedly mentioning it at the top of the show, that we’ve actually seen Sarge make any matches or anything tonight. Anyway, Henry has no problem beating up Lemony (hahaha Hunter), but when Hornswoggle tags himself in, he gets hit with Dream Street and Lemony wins. Whoops.

Ted DiBiase: And if you’re not down with that, I’ve got two words for you!

Cody Rhodes: CODY RHODES!


WWE Diva Josh Matthews: WWE Diva Josh Matthews here, and I’m standing by with Chris Jericho, and Chris, I have to ask you, what do you think about how horribly WWE treats its Canadian Fans?

Chris Jericho: What the hell do I care, Todd? I could tell you that this whole town reminds me of a sewage plant, and they’d still cheer the hell out of me because I’m announced as “From Winnipeg” when I’m a heel. Besides, have you seen Slaughter out there tonight? No way would WWE be heeling on “God Bless America” anywhere but in Canada, you know?

Big Show: Man, I’m so pissed off! I can’t believe Randy Orton would get intentionally counted out on me!

Jericho: Really? You can’t believe that?

Show: Ok, fine. Yes, I can absolutely believe that happened. It still pisses me off though.

Jericho: And I still think that Calgary smells like sewage.

Matthews: We’re still on the air, Chris.

Jericho: I don’t care. Watch this. Hey, Calgary! You smell like a donkey’s armpit!

Crowd: YAY!


Next week, Freddie Prinz Jr. is going clubbing with Santino again. Well, that’s nice!



John Cena vs. Chris Jericho

Dammit, show. No, not you, Big Show. I can’t believe Chris Jericho has never beaten John Cena. I mean, I know I shouldn’t be surprised by that, but still. Anyway, Jericho goes for the Walls about ten seconds in, which is maybe why he has never beaten John Cena. Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Jericho rolls out of it and actually gets the Walls, but Cena is able to roll out of that and into the STFU. Indy appreciation clap, everyone! Randy Orton has seen just about enough of this five minute main event, so he comes down to the ring and hops in, causing a DQ. But rather than punt Cena in the head while Cena’s exposed, Orton just cleverly jumps up and down until John can stand up. Big Show lumbers out, and now everybody’s staring at each other. Awkwaaaaard.

Sergeant Slaughter: Listen up, maggots! Apparently, I forgot to book any matches tonight, so I’m booking a match for next week! Chris Jericho and Big Show will defend the Unified Tag Team Titles against John Cena and his partner-

John Cena: Please say Kung Funaki! Please say Kung Funaki!


Cena: Aww.

Cena and Orton (sort of) clothesline Show out of the ring, and then hit a dual Attitude Adjuster/RKO on Jericho. Oh, they’re going to be the best Wacky Tag Champs in forever!

Next Week: Sarah Michelle Gellar gives birth to Hornswoggle. Also, Triple H’s Tag Team Partner Search 2009 continues when he and Shawn Michaels look in an encyclopedia to try to find out what a Cute Kip is. I think it’s a Pokemon. Also: Randy Orton + John Cena = BFF 4 Realz!


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RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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