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Two, Two, TWO Satires in One... wait, That's One Too Many Two's...

August 31, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: Sgt. Slaughter bought the show, because in his day you could get penny candy for a nickle, and you had to wrestle up hill both ways, and…Anyway, he proceeded to not book a single match. Also, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan appeared for literally no reason. And Shawn Michaels got a new job. Maybe he’ll have another one…TONIGHT!
(Opening Credits)
And Lillian Garcia is happy to present the new owner of WWE RAW, Freddie Prinze Jr. And, hold on a second. Does Lillian realize that she doesn’t work here any more? She quit right? Like…A month ago. Why is she still here?

Anyway, Freddie can commiserate, because he loved the job he was fired from so much, he came back and bought the place. Either he’s suckling off some of that delicious Buffy cash or She’s All That pulls in more residuals than I though. Seriously though, if we can’t get Sarah Michelle Prinze Jr. out here tonight, would it have killed them to get Rachel Leigh Cook? It’s not like she’s been doing anything lately.

Anyway, to help endear himself to the fans, Freddie goes over the litany of WWE related things he’s a fan of. Ice cream bars and The Warlord is pretty much the extent of his WWE fandom though. Which would explain his writing, I guess.

And here’s the Killer from I Know What You Did Last Summer, except it’s probably not, because that guy probably has better things to do than show up on RAW. Santino then goes off on a twenty minute rant about how much he hates Freddie for ruining the Wing Commander franchise. I hear you, man. Freddie has Santino dragged off by a CG Scoobie Doo.

Then, Randy Orton comes out to bitch about teaming with John Cena, even though they exchanged the “Gaze of Mutual Respect” last week. Orton tries to push Freddie around, prompting Freddie Prinze to declare that he’s no sucker like Seth Green or Jeremy Piven. No. He’s on 24! He played “The Tough Guy” on Family Matters! He…was in Summer Catch? I dunno. He better not be dissing on Seth Green though. That’s his homeboy, right there.

Anyway, Orton totally beats the crap out of him. Heh. Best segment of the show so far.


Carlito Caribbean Cool (w/ Rosa Mendes) vs. Kofi Kingston
For the WWE United States Title

Rosa’s out here for no particular reason. I guess she and Carlito teamed on Superstars? But I’ve never seen that show, so I wouldn’t know. Jerry Lawler can’t help falling over himself about how embarrassed he was that Randy Orton beat up Freddie Prinze, but I’d be more embarrassed if Orton didn’t beat up Freddie. What ever happened to Primo anyway? Is that guy still even on this show? Carlito tosses Kofi out of the ring, and then does a little dance, much to the delight of…nobody, while Kofi is Shelton outside.


Michael Cole is still obsessed with screaming every time Kofi Kingston does something, which is sort of endearing. You know, the match is almost done, and I’m still not sure what Rosa is doing out here, except to give even more Latin flava to this episode of RAW. And nothing says Latin Flava like St. Louis. Kofi hits his move (That’s His Move!) for the…two? Uh…What? Then he hits it again for the win. Ok. I guess they must’ve had a couple more seconds to kill.


Here’s The Miz and he’s thrilled to be back on the show after winning his contract on a pole last week. This jerk got Eugene fired for real, y’all. Not cool. Miz says he’s interested in a U.S. Title shot. Well, at least somebody is!


The Miz vs. Evan Bourne

What’s with all the flippy guys in this portion of the show? Does Freddie Prinze have something against real wrestlers like Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters or something? No wonder he got fired. I wonder if TNA is hiring? If so they should hire me. Somebody get on that. I’d do a pretty awesome job writing for Booker T and that other guy? What’s his name? You know the one I’m talking about. Squiggy? Anyway, Miz wins with his move (That’s His Move!), thereby proving that Evan Bourne is pretty much the worst guy on RAW.

Meanwhile in the parking lot, cars are parked.


Back in the parking lot, DX has arrived in a limo. Really, DX? Really? That’s not exactly “rocking the conventions” or anything. Shawn honestly looks like he’d rather be anywhere else. Maybe I can get him a job as my assistant when TNA hires me. He can grill me up one of his world famous hamburgers!

Anyway, Hunter drags Shawn out to the ring, and by the time they get down to doing their spiel, HBK has warmed to the idea of cashing checks again. And just in time too, because they get waylaid by The Lemony (sans Orton), who…actually beat up Hunter and Shawn? What kind of weird sub-reality are we in? They do realize that that’s Cody Rhodes, right?

Ted DiBiase: We are ready!

Oh my, God! They’re being punny too! What’s the matter with you, Hunter?!


Gail Kim vs. Mickie James
For the WWE Divas Title

So is one of these two getting fired? Because they usually don’t let people cash in on their automatic title shot until months after people have forgotten that they won them. Double drop kick and a pause for an Indy appreciation clap that never comes because everybody knows that girls don’t get Indy appreciation claps. Things unravel pretty quickly after that, with Mickie nearly falling over (Orton would’ve made an excellent Diva’s champion), then Gail does fall over but nobody’s paying attention, and ends with Mickie totally whiffing on a Chick Kick, before finishing off Gail with a…punch. That’s…her move?

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Matthews is trying to interview John Cena, but Cena’s too busy freaking out over a zit that just popped up. Matthews offers to get some concealer, while Chris Jericho and Big Show appear to commiserate. Orton is apparently too good to appear in this segment too. Jerk.


Jack Swagger vs. Montel Vontavious Porter

Remember when this was a huge feud? Swagger and MVP were going at each other’s throats? Because MVP is an ex-con with fashion issues and Swagger is an asshole with a lisp? Remember when they were hyping the hell out of this match like these two were going to be the main event stars of Smackdown for years to come? And how both guys were going to be hugely elevated by this feud? Yeah, well, this match is joined in progress and ends in ten seconds when WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan catches Jack Swagger with a closed fist. Well. Ok, then.

Backstage, Freddie Prinze Jr. is back in the building, because he’s twice the man Randy Orton is. I almost mean that even! Freddie’s pretty jacked.


Chavo Guerrero vs. Hornswoggle
In a Falls Count Anywhere Match

So we’re still going with this, are we? Chavo and Hornswoggle immediately dash backstage, because why waste time with all that filler “in the ring” stuff? To his credit, Chavo heads to the bathroom straight away and comes out with a toilet to hit Horny with. Awesome. Even Primo is impressed. I think that completes the Latin roundup, by the way. Chavo opens a door, and gets hit in the head with a flying paint can. Um. Ok. Hornswoggle comes out of the can and gets the pin.

Chavo immediately blames Mark Henry for this debacle. But no! It was Macaulay Culkin! Really! I don’t even know what to say about that!

Macauley Culkin: I literally have nothing better to do.

Also having nothing better to do? Big Show and Chris Jericho, who are eating crepes.


Randy Orton and John Cena vs. Chris Jericho and The Big Show

Non-Title? Awww! Freddie comes come, and he’s pissed. So pissed, in fact, that he’s doing what Jeremy Piven could not, and making this a Lumberjack match! With guys who don’t like Orton! John Cena is…thrilled. Even though this is not exactly what he should be hoping for here. Jerry Lawler correctly identifies the Lumberjacks as “Mark Henry, MVP, and…uh….” That Uh is Jamie Noble. What exactly does Noble have against Randy Orton?


The guys that hate Orton sooo much that Freddie Prinze Jr. just had to get them out here are Kofi, Primo and Evan. Which, let’s face it, are just the rest of the faces. If he’d really tried, he could’ve gotten about four dozen more people out here with the simple question, “Do you hate Randy Orton?” But Freddie isn’t about trying. Jericho gets in with Orton and the crowd basically has a fit because both these guys are heels, so Randy, seizing the moment, locks in a CHINLOCK~! Somewhere in here, Mark Henry throws Orton back in over the top rope, which is good, and the right idea, but not exactly out for blood material. Freddie, you’ve been the worst owner yet! Cena gets the hot tag, and after an Attitude Adjustment to Jericho, he and Orton win!

Meanwhile: Summerfest Happened. The CHAMP WAS THERE! Only it was CM Punk and not John Cena. DX pretty much did exactly what you expected them to do,. Also, Floyd “Money” Mayweather took the $82 billion he received from doing Wrestlemania last year, and bought himself…RAW? You’re doing it wrong, man. But you’re also doing it…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Backstage, The Lemony are chatting about the Summerfest match that saw Orton win thanks to fan interference. Only it wasn’t a fan at all, it was Brett DiBiase, who hates wrestling. Lemony chides Brett on having a really awful name, and that’s it.

Now, in the ring is Vince McMahon, who says that new RAW owner Floyd “Money” Mayweather has seen the show before, so he knows that you can just roll in whenever you feel like it, so right now he’s at the club. Anyway, it’s ok because it’s Vince’s birthday! Happy birthday, dude. And as a present to himself he’s going to rename the worst WWE PPV, Cyber Sunday, and call it something much more awesome. Taboo Tuesday? No! “Bragging Rights.” Which…what is this, TNA all the sudden?

Oh boy, here’s DX to interject. Shawn looks…sad. Poor Shawn. He could be flipping burgers with Shane Douglas right now! Anyway, DX is ready to do Vince’s birthday up right, which includes a video tribute to all the times Vince has looked like an idiot on RAW (so, every episode), a Las Vegas showgirls tribute to Spinal Tap, Big Dick Johnson in a cake, and Circe de Soleil performing their new act Moonfry.

Vince immediately declares this the “Gayest thing I’ve ever seen, and that’s saying something.” Which it is. But I think GLAAD’s going to want their gravy boat back for sure now.

Elvis comes out to sing “Happy Birthday” to Vince, and I think they missed out on not having Jimmy Wang Yang reprise the role. Vince’s head is about to explode with the gayness of it all, so then a couple of sweaty men come in and start grasping at Shawn and Hunter. Wait, those aren’t just any sweaty men! it’s the Lemony! And now Vince is really mad! He may hate every second of this birthday party, but dammit at least people were paying attention to him!

Randy Orton comes out and says that since Floyd Mayweather hasn’t woken up yet, and since Vince is crying hysterically in the corner, he’s going to be making all the matches here tonight. Starting with The Lemony vs. DX and Vince McMahon. Vince, of course, loves this, because even though he friggin’ hates Shawn and Hunter, he loves wrestling in the main event.

Vince McMahon: And if you’re not down with that, I’ve got two words for you! My Birthday!

And so it is. Wow. That was a half hour of the show right there.


Santino Marella vs. The Miz

What, Santino isn’t going to get to have a wacky skit with Floyd? I know we’re quickly running out of time, but the least he could do is get knocked out by one of Mayweather’s bodyguards or something. Miz’ new ring gear is terrible, by the way. He looks like he should be working Ring of Honor or something. Or maybe ECW again. Santino somehow gets in some offense, but gets caught with Placeholder Move Name, and Miz wins it. After the match, he challenges Kofi Kingston to a match. Shelton is going to be so surprised, you guys!

Backstage, some girls are wandering around. Gail Kim looks pretty good for someone who almost ended her career last week.


Beth Phoenix, Alicai Fox, and Rosa Mendez vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, and Mickie James

The theme of this match is “boxing.” I’m not exactly sure how Orton came up with that, but I’m willing to let it slide this once. I do think it’s pretty amusing that this is the match they went the boxing route with. I don’t remember the last time I saw a six person boxing match. If you put them all in the ring at the same time, that’s a show I would go see. Alicia with the Axe Kick (sure, why not) for the win. $10 to Jerry Lawler for managing to make it through this whole match without one “box” pun.


Backstage, Hunter and Shawn are trying to sell the WCW DVD. Are you serious? They couldn’t drag out Mean Gene Oakerlund to do this thing? You know he’s been wanting to use that WCW Hotline script again for years now! There is apparently some construction going on immediately off camera, but neither of these guys can be assed to do more than one take of this, so they just scream over the top of it. And then Hunter forgets what company he works for and tells people to visit the AWA Website for more details. Maybe I’ll finally be able to pre-order that Nick Bockwinkle DVD Set!

Meanwhile, Chris Jericho and the Big Show are in the ring. Shockingly, Big Show remembers having fought Floyd Mayweather, despite the fact that it took place more than a week ago. I bet he doesn’t even remember he fought Cryme Tyme. Show claims Mayweather’s hiding from him, but Floyd’s doing a pretty crappy job of it, considering there’s a camera on him backstage. He’s eating a bowl of cereal, so I guess we’re going to have to wait.


Now Floyd’s out there, along with about 80 other people. I think I just saw Swol. Didn’t he die? Anyway, despite the fact that Mayweather is about half Jericho’s size, he’s intent on staring both guys down. He firmly, but politely, asks Jericho and Big Show to please promote his big boxing match next month, which they do. I won’t though, because he never asked me.

Jericho doesn’t like the cut of Mayweather’s jib, though, because this is a wrestling show, and wrestling is Serious Business ™. He and Show want to know what Floyd’s going to do about that. His response? Bring out MVP.

Look, I love Montel, especially when he brings that batty psychic lady on his show and they talk about cats or whatever. But MVP is not exactly serious business, Floyd. Jericho and MVP argue for a little while about whether or not Big Show has any friends, before MVP drops the bombshell, reminding us that Jericho’s not even supposed to be on this show. Why I never!

Mayweather interjects and decides to book MVP and Mark Henry against Jericho and Show. For no real reason, I guess. At least he booked a match for this show. That’s more that Sergeant Slaughter can say! Hornswoggle’s going to be so pissed though!


Montel Vontavious Porter and Mark Henry vs. Chris Jericho and the Big Show
If MVP and Henry Win They Get a “Future Title Shot”

Tonight, MVP stands for “Mark’s Vestibule Parts,” which is about the best name for a hardware store specializing in lobby remodeling as I could come up with using those three letters. You don’t want to mess with me in Scattergories. Trust me. Mayweather is basking in the glow of having actually booked a match on this show he owns. Wouldn’t it be funny if he went back and changed Vince’s match from earlier. He could’ve had Lemony team up with Big Dick, or have the entire thing take place on ice skates! Ugh. I should’ve saved my money and bought RAW.


Then again, I don’t know what I’d do with it. And with my initial investment funds of…uh…$13.44...I’d be seriously concerned about getting a return on my investment. This is why I’ll never become a financial analyst. Anyway, Henry tags in and he’s a mound afire, so MVP, stupidly tags in, of course. Ah, but see, it was all a set up! Mayweather passed some brass knuckles to MVP, who in turn, smacks Jericho upisde the head. Kofi and Henry win! They’re GOING TO THAT STUPID PPV NAME!

Backstage, The Lemony, plus Brett DiBiase, are more than a little disappointed that they never got a piece of Vicne’s

Chavo Guerrero vs. Hornswoggle
In a Boxing Match

This is, at least, an actual boxing match. Unlike whatever the girls were doing earlier. Still, I’m not sure they’re in the same weight class. Sadly, we do not a “Tale of the Tape” espousing young Horny’s “reach.’ Chavo is, of course, made to wear gigantic boxing gloves, which are bigger than Hornswoggle, and honestly would probably crush the poor guy. It doesn’t matter, though, because Chavo rips them off five seconds later to do a body slam. Which, and I’ll admit I’m not exactly up to date on my boxing rules, I’m pretty sure is a DQ. Chavo is looking to do some more damage, but Evan Bourne runs out for the save. I’m…not sure, what’s going on here. Maybe Evan felt bad because Mark Henry and Macauley Culkin have abandoned Horny. And because he lost his feud to Jack Swagger.


Backstage, Vince and Floyd are bonding over their mutual love of money and sweaty men. To punctuate this, Vince punches the air for a while, so that he too may become sweaty. Carlito comes in and wonders aloud why he hasn’t been booked tonight, and everybody, including Carlito, has a good laugh about that.

Unfortunately, DX breaks up the party, by way of telling Vince that he has to go for their match. So Vince punches Carlito and heads out. To be fair, I would’ve done the exact same thing. Floyd Mayweather? Looks pretty impressed with himself for a guy that booked all of two matches and was on screen for ten seconds.


DX and Vince McMahon vs. The Lemony
In a No Disqualification Match

Wow, doesn’t it feel like this show’s been going on forever. And I’m not just talking about the fact that this is two shows in one this week. Well, I am, but I’m not. I think that half hour straight of Vince prancing with Circe de Soliel really took a lot out of me. I am but a husk. I’ve heard throug the grapevine, by the way, that this is to be Lillian Garcia’s last show. So…at least they made things easy on her as far as ring introductions go. Make sure you send her a card or something.


You’ve probably noticed that I’m not talking about the actual match, and there’s a good reason for that. Picture in your head what you think this match would look like? That’s exactly right. Good job! Though, I should say there’s a sort of rustic charm in everybody from The Lemony locking in a CHINLOCK~! during a No DQ match. Chair shot? Chinlock? Chairshot? Chinlock? CHINLOCK~!~! Things are starting to break down a bit when, John Cena comes running down to ringside. And to be fair, it wouldn’t be an episode of RAW without at least one random Cena cameo. Superkick. Attitude Adjustment. Vince pins Orton. Finally. Feud of the year.

Next Week: RAW is purchased by Scott Hall, who forgets to show up at all. Also, more matches are booked for “Breaking Point,” some of which might actually be ok, given the right circumstances. Also? Hornswoggle/Chavo Iron Man Match.


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