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RAW SATIRE    
MAIN EVENT Iron Chef~! [Secret Ingredient: Bob Barker's Microphone]

September 11, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Dusty Rhodes showed up and fell over, much to the embarrassment of Cody. There were two womenís matches, neither of which ended up having any baring on anything whatsoever. And also, Chavo Guerrero in a bull costume. How will he be humiliatedÖTONIGHT?! 
 

(Opening Credits)

Howard Finkel is out. Awesome! Is Lillian finally gone? Have they done the right thing?! Anyway the Fink is out to introduce the new owner of RAW, Booooooooob Baaaaaarker! And the contestants for the Price is RAW? Santino Marella, Irwin R. Schyster, Jillian Hall, and Chris Jericho. Bobís got the tiny mic!
 

Chris Jericho: Ok. You guys. This is not serious business. At all.

Bob Barker: Excuse me? Iíve been doing this for 90 years. Itís serious to me, mister.

Jericho: Why did you even buy RAW? That makes no sense. Itís so weird.

Barker: I thought I heard Drew Carey was on the roster, but I guess I was mistaken. Anyway, whatís the first item up for bid?

Howard Finkel: Itís this brand new copy of WWE Smackdownís Best of Anthology, Bob!

Barker: Ok, Santino, what would you bid for that?

Santino Marella: I bid-a One Million-a Dollars!

Barker: Youíre an idiot. Ok, Jillian?

Jillian Hall: Actually, Iím going to pass on that DVD. Can I just sing the Yodeling Guy theme instead?

Barker: No. IRS?

Irwin R. Shyster: Ok, where did we get this DVD? Was it at Amazon? Shopzone? Walmart? Because itís a different price everywhere you go. And has Smackdown really had enough good moments to warrant a whole DVD? Especially if we canít use any of the Angle or Benoit stuff?

Barker: Iíll take that as a pass. Chris?

Jericho: Iíll tell you what, Bob. Iíll give you five cents for that stupid DVD, because I pretty much make up the majority of the content. And you know why, I make up-

Barker: And the actual retail price is $19.99! The winner is Chris Jericho!

Jericho: I won? I WON?! YAAAAAAH! WOOOOO! I canít believe it! What game do I get to play?! Is it Plinko? I love Plinko! Can I play Plinko?!

Barker: No, you canít play Plinko, but you could win a fabulous trip to Hawaii with the Bella Twins if you can beat MVP!

Jericho: I donít get any vacation time, when am I going to get to go to Hawaii?

Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Chris Jericho

Tonight, MVP stands for Most Versatile Prices. Montel is always on the ball. I guess you could say heís ďBalliní.Ē I mean, I wouldnít say that. But you could. You probably would too, wouldnít you. Jerk. Dammit, Lillian is still out there. Go home! Jericho opens with a rest hold, which is always nice to see. I guess all that jumping up and down when he found out he won really took its toll on him. The Price is Right is serious business. Just ask WWE Superstar Drew Carey. Jericho bails so weíll be back in two and two.

(ads)

Seriously though, is Chuck Woolery doing anything these days? Heíd pretty much be the best host for this show. Maybe he can hook Santino and Beth back up considering how their careers have gone since the split. What are the Bella Twins doing here anyway? Do they come with Jericho and Show? Thatís pretty fair, I guess. Jericho with the Walls, but MVP rolls through it. Jericho counters the Playmaker into the Codebreaker, but MVP counters that with another roll-up (thatís hisÖmove?) for the win. After the match, Montel celebrates. I donít know what heís so happy about. Jericho was going to take hum with to Hawaii.

(ads)

Backstage, Bob Barker is with Kelly Kelly Kelly.

Bob Barker: Howíd you like to hold my microphone, Kelly?

Kelly Kelly Kelly: UmÖNo. Even Iím not that stupid.

Shawn Michaels: Hey, whatís going on out here? People being stupid? Iím down with that.

Triple H: Hey, Bob! You got a price is right game for us to play?

Barker: Not really, but it is nice to see some guys my age on this show. Now, just spin the wheel and make the deal.

HHH: Ö.

Michaels: Ö.

Barker: What are you waiting for?

Michaels: Thereís usually a midget.

Shawn spins the wheel and it lands on ďIron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters

Michaels: Aw damn. Can I spin again?

Barker: Yes. But remember, you canít go over a dollar.

Michaels: UmÖhuh?

HHH: Give me that thing.

Hunter spins and lands on a dollar!

HHH: Awesome! Do I get a bonus spin now?

Barker: No.

(ads)

Chavo Geuerrero vs. Evan Bourne

At least itís not Hornswoggle. Bob comes on the Titantron and says that if Chavo can actually win for once, heíll be able to ride home in this NEW CAR! Chavo looks excited even though itís not a lowrider. Didnít Eddie teach you anything? So Evan pretty much does some backflips and spins around while Chavo wanders around the ring for a good portion of the match. Itís well on its way to match of the night honors, when Hornswoggle shows up and starts playing the Grocery Game. Chavo gets so distracted at Hornswoggle asking for 8 bags of kitty litter, that he misses Evan Bourne rolling him up for the win.

Backstage, John Cena is punching holes in the wall. I donít think youíll find any money in there, man. Just saying.

(ads)

The Chicago White Sox are here, because they literally have nothing better to do.

John Cena vs. Cody Rhodes

Cody gets on the mic before the match and bitches that while, yes, Randy Orton did beat his dad last week, it was partly Dustyís fault for taking off his boot. So the moral of the story is that Codyís going to stay in The Lemony, which is great news. For everybody who hates The Lemony. Cody threatens to make Cena tap tonight, which is pretty frigginí funny. Cena goes for the FU, like, five seconds in, so letís go ahead and take a commercial break.

(ads)

Hey, you know what Iíd rather be watching than the match? The fake Price is Right set they built for this episode. Thanks, WWE! Actually, Iím probably dead serious about that. The Price is Right set is more interesting than Cody Rhodes. Couchy wiggles out of an STF. Rhodes went for the Figure Four, but he has no idea how to do it, so thatís enough of that. Cena got the STF on finally, but Randy Orton runs out to break it up. Thatís enough for the DQ, but Cena no-sells all of that and tries to get the STF on Orton, who wiggles out. I guess he learned something from Cody after all.

(ads)

Hey, you know who is coming back next week? Former RAW owner ďDaveĒ Batista ďDavidson.Ē

Bob Barkerís back out. TNA Superstar A.J. Pierzynski is in contestantís row now. He gets booed immediately. Barker assumes that itís because theyíre all Cubs fans, but itís not. Everybody just hates A.J. Pierzynski. Also, itís football season. Nobody cares about baseball.

Bob Barker: Ok, weíre bidding on this trip to Wrestlemania. Who wants to go to ďWrestlemania?Ē A.J.?

A.J. Pierzynski: Screw You! HAHAHAHA! Iím on TV! Woo!

Barker: Well, ok then. Irwin?

Irwin R. Schyster: Wait. Iím bidding on a trip to go to a show Iím supposed to go on? Does this mean that Iím going to be fired? Oh, God. I need to take a second to process this. What a way to get future endeavored.

Barker: Jillian?

Jillian: Big Bucks! Big Bucks! No Whammies and STOP!

Barker: Ok. Iím done with all of this. Now I remember why I quit. Santino, just say a dollar amount.

Santino Marella: $420.

Rob Van Dam: Yeah! All Right!!

Barker: Whatever. You win. Now how would you like to win a hot tub?

Santino: Isnít that-a a worse prize-a than the one-a I just won-a?

Barker: Shut up.

Santino Marella vs. The Big Show
In a Body Slam Challenge

Can we really believe that Bob booked any of this? There hasnít even been a womenís match. Show slams him in ten seconds. They play the ďWah Wah WahĒ music! But Bob still has to ask WWE RAW Referee Justin King what a ďBody SlamĒ is. Unfortunately, the ref hasnít been paying any attention.

(ads)

The Big Show vs. Mark Henry
In a Body Slam Challenge

This is still for that hot tub. The Bella Twins are looking kind of pruny right now. Sadly, I donít think either of these two would fit in that hot tub. Iíd apologize, but I think both guys realize it, because theyíre not trying very hard. Isnít Mark supposed to be the Worldís Strongest Man or something? Or did that change when he got fatÖter? Henry finally gives up and slams Show. Maybe he can use the hot tub to soak his beard. MVP comes out to celebrate for no reason. You donít have an awesome beard to soak, Montel. Back off.

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Matthews is sitting by with Bob Barker.

WWE Diva Josh Matthews: WWE Diva Josh Matthews here and Iím sitting by with Bob Barker. And, I have to ask. Bob Barker? Really?

Bob Barker: Well, why not me? I canít buy a wrestling show?

Josh: I justÖyou know, this is just like some kind of weird hallucination. I really shouldnít have eaten that second pizza. Iím going to go lie down.

Barker: Can I plug my book first?

Josh: No! You didnít even write it!

Barker: WellÖwould you like to hold my microphone?

(ads)

Apparently, Bobís already sick of this show, and Trish Stratus has put in a bid on RAW. I guess that Yoga thing is really taking off.

BackstageÖ.

Bob Barker: I donít see whatís wrong with this book. Thereís plenty of great stories about all the pricing games, and 150 pages of erotic fan fic about the Barker Beauties, which Iíll have that hottie Josh know that I did too write.

Chavo Guerrero: Why in the world are you telling me this?

Barker: I just figured Iíd try to cheer you up after you lost to AJ Styles earlier. That had to be pretty embarrassing.

Chavo: Embarrassing has been my middle name around here lately. I canít beat up a midget or AJ Styles. Itís hopeless.

Barker: Come on now. Do you want to play Hole in One? Weíll make it for $1,000. What do you say, you used to be a golfer, right?

Chavo: Yeah. I guess. Hey, does that mean you watch the show?

Barker: Nope. Iím just so old I know everything. Now line up that putt.

Chavo lines it up, but misses the hole.

Chavo: Thatís all right. Itís Hole in One or Two, right?

Barker: Not for you it isnít.

And then Bob takes Chavo out with the putter.

Barker: Still got it! Remember everyone, have your pets spayed and neutered. And if youíve watched this whole showÖthink about that for yourself too. Goodbye, everybody!

Backstage, Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters and Randy Orton are arguing about the price of Garlique Brand garlic pills.

(ads)

Degeneration X vs. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters and Randy Orton
In a Glow Stick Battle

Chris Masters in the Main Event? Why I ne-

(ads)

Schinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Rather than cooking, DX is down here making penis jokes and talking about Siegfried and Roy. A bold strategy by the challengers.

Fukui: Yes. Leave it to DX to be right on the cutting edge of cultural relevance.

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Somethingís really been bothering me lately.

Fukui: Iím afraid to ask.

Hatori: Why did Randy shave off all his hair? Was it to avoid the drug tests? To emulate his idol Sinead OíConnor? To make himself more aerodynamic?

Fukui: I honestly donít know.

Hatori: I hear heís sleeping with your mom too. Iíll ask her.

Fukui: Aah-

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead.

Fukui: Anybody want to guess as to the nutritional content of a glow stick? Hereís a hint: Itís not good.

Ohta: Looks like it doesnít matter, because the Iron Chef and his partner canít agree on the price of a can of Campbellís Soup. DX wins!

The Lemony hits the ring after the bell rings, and then they hit DX. That seemed like kind of an unnecessary step, but I guess thatís why Iím not in The Lemony. Also because my dad wasnít a wrestler. And Iím not a wrestler. Or in shape. Jesus, this segment is depressing. Anyway, DX chases Lemony backstage, where they fight some more. Thereís a camera shot that somehow manages to go through a wall somehow, which is pretty cool. Itís not even one of the ones Cena punched!

Rob Van Dam: Dude, I spent all day on that wall!

But Lemony ends up driving off in somebody elseís car.

Tough Enough Jessie: Now how will I get away from Bob Barker? WAAAAAAAH!

Bob Barker: Hey, guys. I was just asking Jessie here if she wanted to hold my microphone.

Meanwhile, in the ringÖ..

Randy Orton: Look at those! Degentrification Y is so disappointment that they canít even joke about Seinfeld and Wah. And that, my fiends, is why I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and Holster of the WWWF Girlís Chocolatchip, am a Legend Kill Guy and Holster of the WWWF Girlís Chocolatechip.

But wait! John Cena has finally punched his way out to the ring.

RVD: Aw, come on!

Cena chases Orton around, the ring, backstage, out the door, and then up a mountain. I didnít think Chicago had any mountains, butÖwhy not. Cena charges hard, but Orton suddenly stops at $25, and Cena falls off the edge. Wah Wah Waaaaaah. Orton wins!

Contestants not appearing on the show get nothing.

Irwin R. Schyster: Boo.

Next Week: Trish Stratus immediately regrets buying RAW, by realizing that she just bought RAW. John Cena celebrates winning the Spinniní World Title at WWE Terrible PPV Name by actually wearing a halfway decent outfit for once. Also, DX celebrates their big win by crying about the fact that a win over Cody Rhodes is considered ďbigĒ now.





ElsewhereÖ.

Mark Henry: SoÖNo Showcase Showdown?

Triple H: SighÖ.I guess not. I really needed a new camper too. Itís really time for Scott and Kevin to move out of the house.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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