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Wrestling is Serious Business, Goddammit!

September 17, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Night: John Cena finally got his short awaited win over Randy Orton. Also, DX managed to get booed out of the building, despite the huge ovation Shawn got the last time he appeared on screen there. And they lost to Cody Rhodes, which has to hurt. Who will get hurt…TONIGHT?


(Opening Credits)

Why are you still here Lillian?!

Lillian Garcia: And now, the special guest! Gardettos!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: That is not my NAME!

Lillian: I really don’t care.

Batista: That is MEAN! Ever since I kept getting injured I have been SAD! I am tired of being SAD! So I am go-

Randy Orton: Well if it isn’t Dad Baptist Douglasman! How are you doing Mamminal?

Batista: I am SAD!

Orton: Me too! Because I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy am now the former holster of the THE Girl’s Chocolatchip. Again! I am sam!

Batista: That is my favorite MOVIE!

Orton: I guess there’s not things left to do but retread!

Batista: I will do something ELSE! THIS!

Batista flexes his arm and his cast flies off, knocking Randy Orton over the top rope.

Batista: We are wrestling TONIGHT! And I am going to SMACKDOWN!

Orton: I am so soggy!


Here’s the new owner of RAW, World Renown Yoga Instructor Trish Stratus. You’d think, as the owner of RAW, that she could get herself some better music.

Trish Stratus: Oh, man. Why did I buy this show? You may or may not remember this, and history says you don’t, but I used to wrestle on RAW. Then I decided to quit to teach yoga at the Y, and I got rich. Anyway, I thought Bob Barker was a great owner, but then again, I also like getting kicked in the face. So let’s sit back and see if we can’t make Chris Jericho cry tonight! Stratus oot!

Kofi Kingston and Primo Colon vs. Jack Swagger and The Miz

It’s nice to see the Prime Colon getting a chance to escape his brother’s shadow. Into…Kofi’s shadow, I guess. It’s progress, though, because Kofi isn’t fat. It’s also nice to see the Calgary Kid back in Canada. It’s back and forth, fast paced action for the whole 30 seconds that this match runs, until Miz tries to steal the United States title (in Canada, no less! The nerve!) and Kofi is distracted long enough for Swagger to power bomb him and pick up the win. Afterwards, Miz admits that he felt a little weird stealing the U.S. title, considering he’s the Calgary Kid and all.


Lillian Garcia: The following contest…is…?

Never change, Lillian!

Gail Kim vs. Alicia Fox
For the Number One Contendership to the WWE Diva’s Title

It’s so hotly contested! This must be the five hundredth Number One Contender’s matches we’ve had in the past two months. I wonder what Trish thinks about the “Divas” title. I bet she hates it. I also bet she ends up with a random Divas Title reign some time in the next five years. Erstwhile champion Mickie James is doing commentary at ringside, at least in part because one of her breasts exploded. That doesn’t sound pleasant. It also sounds really dumb. Alicia with an Axe Kick (TONY! TONY!) for the win. Oh come on Gail! This was your home town, girl!



Beth Phoenix: …you know? A Divas title? That was humiliating.

Trish Stratus: Yeah. Sounds like I got oot right in time. So, what’s up with you? Missing Santino?

Beth Phoenix: A little more every day. But seriously, what’s the deal with me not being in that Diva’s match. I’m pretty much the only woman left on this show who can actually wrestle, whose boob didn’t explode.

Trish: Yikes. That happened to me once! And look, I was just trying to hand a home town win to Gail. But you saw how that went.

Chris Jericho: Hey? What’s going on in here? Bitchfest? I hear that’s the name of the next PPV. Hey, Trish! You bought the show to be close to me again, huh? Want to go get something to eat?

Trish: Um…no. Firstly, because you’ve gotten dumb and creepy since we dated. Secondly, because I totally turned heel on your dumb ass back then. Thirdly, because the show is going on right now and we can’t leave. And thirdly, what the hell are you even doing here? You’re on the Smackdown roster, dumbass.

Jericho: Geez. Isn’t yoga supposed to be relaxing? Quit being such a downer.

Trish: Besides, I found my soul mate in Viscera and you found yours in Big Show. And Beth found hers in Santino.

Phoenix: OBJECTION! This tomfoolery has gone on just long enough. I demand a match tonight! Trish, find yourself a partner, because I’m teaming with my new boyfriend, Chris Jericho!

Jericho: Say what now?

Elsewhere, The Lemony are looking for girlfriends. Awww.


The Lemony is in the ring.

Cody Rhodes: Are you ready? I said, ARE YOU READY?!

Ted DiBiase: Uh…no?

Rhodes: How about now?

DiBiase: Yeah. I guess.

Rhodes: Good. Because you have a match right now. And we beat DX once, and we’re not going to stop beating them until they leave WWE for good!

DiBiase: You do realize that Hunter is married to the boss’ daughter, right? And that Shawn probably isn’t going anywhere? And that I’m totally going to lose?

Rhodes: Quit ruining our feud!

Backstage, DX is watching Monday Night Football. Poor Bills.


Ted DiBiase (w/ Cody Rhodes) vs. Shawn Michaels (w/ Triple H)

DX does not look happy to be out here. Did they have money on the Bills or something? How do you bet on the Bills? I don’t care if you are in Toronto. Maybe they’re just upset that the Patriots couldn’t cover the spread. Hunter starts by chasing Cody off, but Ted is on offense in the ring. At least Cody seems to have taught Ted how to dropkick. This goes on for a few minutes, until Cody finally dodges a Hunter attack and starts humping Shawn Michaels’ leg. I don’t know where that is in the rule book, but he gets DQed just in case. Shawn tries to shake Cody off, but ends up taking out the camera guy instead.


Hornswoggle and Evan Bourne vs. Chavo Guerrero and Carlito Caribbean Cool

Don’t tell me Trish isn’t sick of this match! Are we even pretending the owners are booking the show any more? Bob Barker had more of a hand in booking last week’s show than Trish has had tonight. Although, I guess she did push through two Women’s matches. Just like Bob, oddly enough. Literally nothing happens for the first, oh, twenty minutes or so of this match, until Hornswoggle wins by spitting an apple at Chavo. That’s his move! I think he stole that from Konan. Carlito looks a little embarrassed to even have been a part of this, and for once, I can’t blame him. After the match, Chavo begs never to have to see Hornswoggle again.


Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Matthews is standing by with John Cena.

WWE Diva Josh Matthews: WWE Diva Josh Matthews here, and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, I have to ask you, what do you think of-

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YO!

Matthews: Oh, so this-

Cena: YO!

WWE Universe,
You lookin’ at John Cena.
Orton couldn’t beat me,
He’s just a weiner!

Now thanks to Trish,
We’re goin’ back to the well,
I’m taking on Randy,
In Hell in a Cell!

But I’ve got news for you,
The Spinnin’ Title ain’t leavin’.
It’s going to stay right here,
Don’t stop believin’!

Now I’ve quoted Journey,
The end is almost here,
One thing left to say,

Matthews: Uh huh.

Trish Stratus and-


Trish Stratus and Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Chris Jericho and Beth Phoenix

MVP? Really? That’s what we’re going with here? I guess Trish just doesn’t have as much pull as she used to. Everybody knows MVP stands for Mainly Very Poor. It would’ve been hilarious to have her come out with Chris Tian. SHOCKING SWERVE~! I’ll admit, though, Beth and Chris make a pretty cute couple. At least Trish seems to have kept her flexibility. Must be all that Yoga. Now, I know she’s not staying, so can Trish take Lillian on her way out? Please? Big Show runs out for the DQ, but all this doers is give Trish an idea.


Trish Stratus, Montel Vontavious Porter, and Mark Henry vs. Beth Phoenix, Chris Jericho, and The Big Show

Poor MVP just got beat up and Trish put him into another match. She’s still a heel! And why didn’t she just start out with Mark? He’s a much better mystery partner than MVP. I mean, he’s no Bradshaw, Kane, or…say, Big Show. But he’s better than MVP. She and Montel team up for the Ballin’, so I guess maybe she just wanted to do that. I could buy that. I’m a little surprised there aren’t more ads for her Yoga place on tonight. You know for a fact that Linda’s going to have her Senate ads plastered all over the ring. Tommy Dreamer’s probably going to have to wear a sign while he wrestles. Poor Tommy. Trish wins with her move. That’s her move!

Backstage, The Tista is walking. Don’t break anything!


I guess Cedric The Entertainer just bought RAW. Didn’t he die? Oh…wait…That was Bernie Mac? Oops.

Randy Orton vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”
In a No Holds Barred Match

The joke is, of course, that neither Dave nor Randy know any holds to begin with. They should’ve barred one hold, just to give them a head start. I wonder if they’ve ever seen the movie No Holds Barred. Tiny Lester could probably teach them a thing or two. Orton with the CHINLOCK~! which is decent. Finally, they give up on this, and Orton grabs a chair, which would be great, except Dave throws the announce table at him. I think he learned that from RVD. Orton pokes The Tista in the arm, and Dave wobbles, but he doesn’t fall down. Frustrated, Orton tries to bail, but he ends up running into John Cena, who apparently doesn’t want to face Orton at his best. Which is kind of a dick move, when you think about it, but that’s John Cena for you. OSPREY BOMB TO ORTON~! A winner is Dave!

Next Week: Cedric Entertains. Also, some combination of MVP/Mark Henry/Chris Jericho/Big Show in a singles/tag/six-man/battle royale match. And John Cena composes the greatest rap about WWE Diva Josh Mathews’ thighs you’ll ever see in print form.


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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