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Needs More Kool-Aid

September 26, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: Trish Stratus made her shocking return from the Yoga world, only to realize that wrestling was just as bad as she remembered and promptly retired. Chris Jericho was the subject of amorous advances from the one girl on the roster who hasn’t slept with CM Punk. And John Cena and Randy Orton learned that they’re going to suffer Hell in a Cell together. Will they figure out what that means…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Cedric The Entertainer and about Five Hundred People, None of Whom Are Actually on this Show are having a party backstage. Wait, I think I see the Bella Twins in there. Do they still work here. This is like Where’s Waldo, but worse, because at least I cared about trying to find Waldo. That guy kept getting lost! Michael Cole and Jerry “” Lawler trip over each other to try to make the first “Cedric the Sports Entertainer” pun. Still not funny, dudes. I do see a 1940s Football Team, and Mantaur in there though, so that’s cool.

DX is in the ring and apparently they’re having a Hell in a Cell match too. Oh, man. Way to run that gimmick into the ground. It’s bad enough that Al Snow is on the record as having participated in a “Hell in a Cell” match, but now Cody Rhodes? You’ve got to be kidding me. Lawler and Cole are basically ignoring this and trying to run down Cedric’s resume. Unfortunately, there’s basically nothing on there. He played a Goose in that one version of Charlotte’s Web a couple years ago. Which…oddly makes him the most qualified owner we’ve had yet.

Triple H (w/ Shawn Michaels) vs. Cody Rhodes (w/ Ted DiBiase)

Cody takes control to start, because WWE is aiming to be as confusing as possible with the push of Cody Friggin’ Rhodes. Seriously, though, They jobbed these guys out ten months in a row, and now they expect us to have no problem with them beating the hell out of two main eventers. Albeit two main eventers who are in their mid-60s. Triple H throws in a Crossface, just to screw with my head some more. You know what? Let’s take a commercial break.


CHINLOCK~! by Cody on Hunter coming out of the break. Randy has taught them well. Shawn tries chasing off Ted, but he ends up getting waylaid by Cody. I’m having a pretty hard time to believe any of this. Hunter catches Rhodes and sets up the PEDIGREE TO COUCHY~!, but DiBiase counters that with a Greco-Roman chairshot. Crossroads with Britney Spears by Cody! Dream Street by DiBiase! What the hell is this all about? Lemony sets Hunter up to smash his throat, but Shawn has gotten to his feet and found a sledgehammer, which is enough to make Cody and Ted take off. Play DX’s music. Because…um…they got beat up!


Lillian Garcia (yes, still) brings out our host tonight, the one and only “Cedric…?” He immediately makes himself at home by calling out “Cowboy” Bill Thornton, “That Million Dollar Man” Cody Rude, and That Other Guy. He’s still nominally more accurate than Lillian or Mike Adamle, When that fails to get the crowd’s goat, or his own goat from earlier, Cedric calls Mark Henry the Kool-Aid Man, and implies that Big Show was the result of an orgy between Andre The Giant, King Kong Bundy, and The Mamas and the Papas. When that fails, he starts stringing together “Your momma so fat” jokes. Well, I can see why he’s a world renown comedian.

Speaking of world renown comedians, Santino Marella hits the stage and thanks Cedric for saving Graham and the rest of Daventry. Which isn’t true at all. Cedric was worthless! Then Santino launches into a twenty minute long, obscenity-filled monologue about the state of health care in the United States, before he’s interrupted by Chavo Guerrero.

Chavo is tired of the show getting bought out every week, because all the owners seem to have one thing in common: They hate Chavo Guerrero. So, Chavo is challenging Mr. The Entertainer to a match, right here tonight! Even Santino is flabbergasted. But ultimately, you don’t gain the nickname “The Entertainer” by turning down random fights with balding luchadores, so Cedric accepts. Then, like a true businessman, Cedric manages to gasp out a thirty minute plug for his upcoming role as “Janitor #3” in Good Burger 2: Fish Fillet Bugaloo with Keenan and Kel.

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Matthews is trying to convince The Miz to go back to doing something relatively interesting instead of just being a douchey wrestle man. But Miz is too fixated on how Kofi Kingston sailed all the way from friggin’ Ghana on a raft in an attempt to become a professional wrestler. While Miz and Josh ponder this greatest of mysteries, Kofi whacks Miz with the raft and steals back the United States Title.


Evan Bourne vs. The Miz

It’s a TNA fan’s dream match! Miz seems to be suffering no ill effects from the earlier raft attack, which happened…Like two minutes ago. I’d say that perhaps Miz was tougher than he looks but…no. You know, if you combined these two into the same body, you might actually have something to work with. Bourne can do all the wrestling Miz can’t, or at least all the backflips, and Miz can do all the talking that Bourne can’t. Anyway, Bourne does a backflip out of the corner, and Miz counters that with his move (That’s his move!) for the win. Match of the night candidate.

Backstage, Randy Orton is concerned about the contract signing for his match against John Cena, because he’s deathly afraid of paper cuts, but the rest of The Lemony is too busy being giddy about their push to notice their erstwhile leader. Orton gives them the night off, so Cody and Ted decide to argue about Heroes. Gee, I hope nothing goes wrong at the signing!


Jerry “” Lawler welcomes out Randy Orton and John Cena to the contract signing table while Michael Cole talks about John Cena “literally” feeding Randy Orton to The Tista last week. I…don’t think that means what he thinks that means. Unless John served up Randy with a side of…APPLE DOUGH! And then Dave got so full up on the APPLE DOUGH! that he couldn’t finish his Orton.

John Cena almost falls out of his chair, which is the best part of the show so far. Randy signs the contract and Lawler leaves so that Randy can stand up and wave his junk around in Cena’s face. He promises that John won’t ever “beat this main after the Helena Spell” match. But John was asleep. And he’s got some kind of weird lump on the back of his head, and it’s reeeeally distracting.

Orton accuses John of turning their match into a “jort.” This, of course brings out Chris Jericho, who will not stand for wrestling jokes or jorts. Jericho attacks Cena while Big Show eats the table. Mark Henry…um…runs(?) out to claim the chairs for himself, while MVP chases Jericho away. Cedric the Entertainer is on the Titantron, and he has a great idea. What if Keenan and Kel opened a Good Burger, but it was on a boat. And Cedric the Entertainer was the captain of the boat? And it can be called the “U.S.S. Good Boatger.” Also, a tag team match. Chris Jericho claps for this despite the fact that nobody is taking wrestling less seriously than Cedric tonight.


Mickie James vs. Beth Phoenix

Alicia Fox is at ringside, prepping for her match…at a later date. Alicia’s not on commentary though, so read into that what you will. Beth tries to power Mickie out of the corner, but Mickie’s ass is just too fat. Both girls stall out and bail, but Mickie gets too close to Alicia and ends up getting distracted by the fact that they won’t let her on commentary, and Beth capitalizes with a Glam Slam for the win. Alicia sneaks back in and hits an Axe Kick on Mickie, and honestly? That’s pretty much the best Axe Kick I’ve ever seen. Huh.


Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger
For the WWE United States Title

I can’t tell if Swagger’s entrance is amazing or super terrible. I guess the push ups kind of put it over the top. I kind of hope he hurts himself doing those one time. Not badly or anything, just…enough to make it hilarious. Miz comes out to steal the U.S. Title back, but Swagger catches him and knocks him out. Then he takes the U.S. Title and leaves. Which…Um…He was winning the match. Why did he just steal the title? Kofi wins. Somebody do the Thunder Clap!


Chavo Guerrero vs. Cedric the Entertainer (w/ the Bella Twins)
With Special Guest Referee Santino Marella

Cedric is dressed in spandex tights, one of Jerry Lawler’s old T-Shirts, and a top hat. Before the match starts, he puts on a Lucha mask too. He learned that from Al Snow. What Cedric the Entertainer was doing learning things from Al Snow, I have no idea. Chavo stomps on the top hat, and that’s enough to send Cedric running. He runs under the ring, and is replaced by Shad Gaspard wearing the same outfit. Oh, so that’s where the mask comes in. He learned that from the Bella Twins. Why…Nevermind. I can figure out why he was hanging out with the Bella Twins. Shadric gets all his signature moves in (big boot, clothesline) while Santino marvels at Cedric’s wrestling acumen. Shadric rolls under the ring himself, only to be replaced by Hornswoggle…ric. Hornric with the Tadpole Splash, and Cedric comes back out to roll Chavo up for the win. That’s his series of moves! Better than Drew Carey. All three guys do a little dance.


Apparently, Al Sharpton has offered Cedric two dollars and a book full of Al Sharpton quotes for RAW. Less on this story as it develops.

Backstage, Cedric is talking to Kelly Kelly Kelly about his new comedy DVD and…other things.

Cedric The Entertainer: So…Kelly. I hear you’re going around dating the hosts of these shows. Soooo….

I think he’s got himself a date. Chris Jericho comes in and he’s finally had enough of Cedric not treating wrestling like serious business. But Cedric blows him off, because seriously, why the hell would you talk to Chris Jericho when you could take to Kelly? Big Show, however, has a little bit more sway.

Well, Jerry Lawler is in the ring, and it’s finally time for us to say goodbye to Lillian Garcia. Lillian, I’ve made a lot of fun of you over the years, but honestly, you seem like a nice girl with a good head on your shoulders. I wish you nothing but the best in your future endeavors. I’m going to go ahead and transcribe Lillian’s final promo for her.

Lillian Garcia: The following…match…is…retired? For ONE FALL! Um…Go America…and-

You know what? Maybe it’s better if I don’t. I can’t believe they didn’t have her get beaten up by Alicia or thrown into a cake or something.


Randy Orton, Chris Jericho and the Big Show v-


Randy Orton, Chris Jericho and the Big Show vs. John Cena, Montel Vontavious Porter, and Mark Henry
In which the Loser of the Match Faces the Winner of the Match Next Week

Ahem. Jericho breaks the news to Orton that if he loses tonight, he has to fight the other team in a gauntlet next week. But, if Cena loses, he’s got to slog through their team. Orton is only pacified by the fact that Show could pretty much squish him if he wanted. Tonight, MVP stands for Mad Village People. I don’t know why. It probably has something to do with John Cena’s trucker outfit. Things start falling apart and getting Crazy Go Nuts after about three minutes, when suddenly Randy Orton uses the skills he learned as an apprentice under Rob Van Dam and builds a wall in the middle of the ring. Mark can’t help himself, and he busts through it.

Mark Henry: OH YEAH!

But, because he’s a professional wrestler, he trips and falls.

Henry: OH NO!

Orton wins!

Next Week: John Cena has to face the worst gauntlet of his career. Ok, it’s just Orton, Jericho and Show. Plus, Lillian Garcia’s replacement is revealed as…Lillian Garcia. Damn you, WWE! And the Reverend Al Sharpton brings some class to this show. Heh.


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