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RAW SATIRE    
Cody Rhodes ThreatCon: ORANGE~!

October 2, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Cedric the Entertainer ummm…”Entertained?” Plus, John Cena lost a match ensuring that he’ll have to have another match. Plus, Lillian Garcia finally, FINALLY quit. Finally. Who will finally quit…TONIGHT?!

 

It’s the MVP lounge, and the only two black guys on the show MVP and Mark Henry are sitting in the ring, so we know where this is going. And no, Kofi doesn’t count. Not even when he’s Shelton.

Montel Vontavious Porter: Welcome to the VIP Lounge! And tonight, we’ve got an actual real live VIP with us! Well…depending on your definition of “Very.” Or “Important” for that matter. But I suppose you already guessed why it’s us out here to introduce the one and onl-


It’s the MVP lounge, and the only two black guys on the show MVP and Mark Henry are sitting in the ring, so we know where this is going. And no, Kofi doesn’t count. Not even when he’s Shelton.

Montel Vontavious Porter: Welcome to the VIP Lounge! And tonight, we’ve got an actual real live VIP with us! Well…depending on your definition of “Very.” Or “Important” for that matter. But I suppose you already guessed why it’s us out here to introduce the one and onl-

Chris Jericho: Actually, Montel, I was kind of wondering that. What, Al Sharpton wouldn’t want an actually good wrestler and former world champion to introduce him? He’s not good enough for that?

MVP: No, it’s just that-

Big Show: No, I get it. He doesn’t want me to introduce him because I’m fat. Al Sharpton doesn’t care about fat people.

Mark Henry: Uh….

MVP: You know what? I don’t have time to explain all this to you. WWE RAW Referee Justin King might find out this is going down. So here’s the new owner of RAW-

Chris Jericho: Al Sharpton! HAHAHAHA…Gotcha.

Al Sharpton waddles out to “Living in America” which is fun. Too bad Lillian isn’t here. You know, Al always sort of looks like this, but tonight, in particular, he looks like he’s freaking out. He’s got this long stare at Big Show where he’s clearly thinking, “Ok, I have no idea what I signed up for here.”

The crowd, of course, boos the hell out of this.

Reverend Al Sharpton: That’s…pretty much what I expected. Now you may be wondering why a man of my stature would buy a show like Monday Night Wrestling, and…That’s a pretty good question. Education.

Chris Jericho: Education is pretty serious business, Al.

Rev. Al: Indeed.

MVP: Would you say, Reverend Sharpton, that education is…Ballin’?

Rev. Al: No, I probably wouldn’t say that.

MVP: Well, I still want you to give us a title match against Jericho and Big Show.

Rev. Al: What do you think about that, whichever ones of you are Jericho and Big Slug?

Jericho: I don’t really care for it, sir. We already have a match on this show, and we have a big PPV match at “Gimmick Match” on Sunday, which is a Hell in a Cell for some reason.

Big Show: It’s the culmination of our years long feud against “Dave” Batista “Davidson” and Rey Misterio that started, like, last week. Because Dave was dead and Rey was on drugs.

Jericho: Right.

Rev. Al: With that in mind, I’m going to go ahead and do whatever the Power Ranger here said.

Jericho: Why?! Didn’t you listen to anything me and Big Slug said?

Rev. Al: You know why, man!

Then, hilariously, Al Sharpton sort of zombie walks out of the ring all, “Ok, that’s about all of this I can take.”

(ads)

Mark Henry and Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Chris Jericho and The Big Show
For the WWE Unified Tag Team Titles

Tonight, MVP stands for “Manly Venomous Prosecutor.” No, I don’t know why. Mark and Show share a twenty minute long “Look How Fat We Are” stand off, before giving way to letting Mark beat up Jericho for a little while. I know it’s been four years or whatever, but Jericho’s short hair still bothers me. I should note that WWE Smackdown Ring Announcer Justin Roberts is sitting in with the band tonight. I hope he doesn’t show his snake to anybody.

(ads)

Oh, I guess Justin Roberts and Jake Roberts aren’t the same person after all. Huh. Anyway, I guess it was inevitable that they’d go this, boring, dumb route to replace Lillian, but I still would rather have Howard Finkel or The Tista doing it. MVP almost gets Big Show down for the pin, and then Show remembers he’s in this match, and punches Montel. Jericho in with the Code Breaker. That’s his move! JeriShow wins! Play their weird music. Protest starts to the left.


(ads)

Backstage, Al Sharpton is in some kind of stupid classroom.

Primo Colon: I’d like to think I’m smarter than a 5th Grader, but I don’t know.

Reverend Al Sharpton: I’m trying to promote my Education Across America tour, Greedo!

Primo: On…a pro-wrestling show?

Rev. Al: I know. I know. I did not think this out.

Hornswoggle: AL SHARPTON! I LOVED YOU IN MR. DEEDS!

Rev. Al: Hello, little boy! Would you like to read a book with me?

Chavo Guerrero: That “little boy” is, like thirty, Reverend. And he’s in a match tonight. Against me and my partner…Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters!

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters: I’m going to go whip up a nice cilantro base for my egg white ice cream salad.

Rev. Al: I…what?

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?

Santino Marella: What’s-a going on in-a here? Some kind of alcoholics-a meeting? Grief-a counseling? I haven’t-a been the same-a since my Beth-a left me-a for Chris-a Jericho! Please-a, Jesse Jackson-a, find some-a way for me-a to blame-a this on white-a people!

Rev. Al: Is…I knew I should’ve bought Chelsea Lately.

Primo: Or Charm School.

Rev. Al: Nah, those bitches are crazy.

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Randy Orton.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with Randy Orton, and Randy, I have to ask, how will tonight’s gauntlet match change your strategy heading into this weekend’s Hell in a Cell match at WWE Gimmick Match?

Randy Orton: IL Divo Jock Masters, it is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the Double Bubble Girl’s Chocolate Chip.

Mathews: Yes. I know who you are. Now answer my question.

Orton: Oh, you’re festive! Do you want to go out to dimmer later?

Mathews: No.

Orton: Ok, then I’ll answer your quest line. Joe Cedar will lose tonight to me, Big Slug and Chad Jello, and in the Hole in the Coal match at XFL Grimace Match, he will lose again.

Mathews: Ok. Good enough!

Backstage, Rosa Mendez is getting some coaching from Alicia Fox. Whew. Talk about the blind leading the blind.

(ads)

Rosa Mendez (w/ Alicia Fox) vs. Mickie James

Alicia’s still not allowed on commentary. Discrimination! Lawler, of course, calls our attention to Rosa’s ring walk which is…I tried to do it a little bit ago, and I managed to dislocate both my hips. So thanks a lot, Al Sharpton. You just had to book a women’s match. Rosa is also somehow a worse wrestler than Kelly Kelly Kelly, and at least Kelly is trying out there. I can’t wait until she starts dating Rev. Al! When is Weird Al going to host this show? That would be spectacular. Alicia tries to distract Mickie, but ends up just getting Rosa kicked in the face for the win.

Backstage, The Lemony are living in a cave.

(ads)

*CODY RHODES INTERVIEW ALERT*

Cody Rhodes: We’ve been saying for weeks that we’re not afraid of DX, and that we’re going to take them down. And…we’re out here tonight to say it again.

Ted DiBiase: Yeah, DX! We haven’t changed our mind in the intervening weeks! We still believe that we are going to beat you!

Rhodes: Maybe!

DiBiase: Possibly!

Rhodes: If we have anything to say about it!

DiBiase: Which we do, because this is our interview segment!

In the balcony….

Triple H: Hey, Shawn. These guys aren’t half bad!

Shawn Michaels: Nope. They’re all bad!

HHH: Dohohoho!

Shawn: Hunter, I was really excited when I heard you bought us tickets tonight.

HHH: Then what are you so mad about?

Shawn: I thought you meant tickets out of here!

HHH: Well, Shawn, it’s time to make like Bob Barker and Hulk up.

Shawn: Don’t you mean Bruce Banner?

HHH: Bruce Banner isn’t nearly as old as Hogan!

Shawn: Dohohoho!

The Lemony frowns and then leaves.

HHH: Hey, Shawn! Where’d they go? I wanted to heckle them some more!

Shawn: I think they left.

HHH: You know what that makes them?

DX: Smarter than us!

(ads)

Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne

Swagger’s got the U.S. Title still, because apparently WWE doesn’t care who actually has the U.S. Title. Next time WWE rolls through here, I’m going to go and steal the U.S. Title. Hey, that should get me some TV time anyway. Swagger spends the first two hours of the match punching Evan in the knee. So, of course, it makes sense that for the last minute, Bourne uses almost entirely leg based offense to try to finish Swagger. Now, I know most of you think I complain unnecessarily about the “X-Divison” style matches, but…come on. This is worse than John Cena. Swagger catches Bourne on a rana attempt, and power bombs him for the win. After the match, The Miz comes out to bitch about Swagger stealing his “Stealing” gimmick, and Kofi runs out and swipes the title back. Don’t perpetuate stereotypes, Kofi!

(ads)

Santino Marella and Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero and Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Today’s secret ingredient is shrimp, so the challengers have a small advantage, so to speak.

Fukui: Did you just make a short joke? I’m so ashamed. You’re better than that!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: You know, I’m allergic to shrimp.

Fukui: Remind me to send my mother a cocktail then.

Hatori: Oh, I already sent here a cocktail.

Fukui: Would you stop?

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: The judges have weighed in, and the Iron Chef’s Shrimp Salad Sandwich has carried the day! But…In a shocking swerve, his partner Chavo dumped a bucket of hot chicken grease all over the Iron Chef’s head.

Hatori: Boy is his face going to be red!

Fukui: Chavo or the Iron Chef?

Hatori: Don’t ruin my joke.

Backstage, Randy Orton, Chris Jericho, and The Big Show are either discussing strategy or playing Mad Libs. I’ll leave it up to you to determine which is more likely.

(ads)

Apparently, Ben Roethlisberger is going to buy RAW. Watch out, ladies!

Backstage….

Reverend Al Sharpton: I…I don’t know why in the hell I ever thought buying this show was a good idea. I hate you all.

Jillian Hall: I don’t know, but I do know I want to sing for you right now.

Get Up!
Stay on the scene!
Like a sex machine!

Rev. Al: Yes. A really, really bad decision on my part.

Bella Twins: Will you sing for us, Al? Pleeeeease?

Rev. Al: Ok, but only because half naked twins are asking.

I feel good!

Ok, that’s all you’re getting out of me. Turn that damn camera off before I say something stupid or insensitive. Education.

Backstage, John Cena is nuzzling the WWE Spinnin’ Title. Ok, that’s kind of creepy.

(ads)

John Cena vs. Chris Jericho

Hey, you know what show isn’t Monday Night RAW? Community. So let’s watch half an episode of that instead of this match. You know, I like Joel McHale and Chevy Chase, but I’m not sure if this show is doing it for me. No show really is this fall season though. I feel so jaded! It probably has something to do with my insane schedule. What you wanted match commentary? Write your own. I’m watching this TV program that’s airing during RAW apparently. Fine. Whatever. Cena and Jericho fight for a few seconds, but Jericho rolls John up into the Walls and won’t let go. Happy? Big show comes out and is fat at Cena.

(ads)

John Cena vs. The Big Show

Actually, I lied earlier. I still love Amazing Race. The Harlem Globetrotters? Hilarious. And they can’t lose! They even said so before the race! Remember when they used to have Globetrotters games on ABC all the time? Until Meadowlark got hit with a beer, and rushed the crowd. And then Sweetwater started bitching about Curly not getting him the ball. Anyway, Show puts Cena in the Colossal Clutch, but Cena rolls out, so Jericho kicks him in the head. Match of the night.

Randy is out, and Cena looks exhausted after that…half of a match he just went through. Damn, man. Get in shape!

John Cena vs. Randy Orton

Jericho and Show kind of back off, and Cena immediately jumps to his feet and uses his Cena powers to lower the Hell in a Cell cage over the ring. Very slowly. Randy tries to escape, but he waits ten minutes too late and the cage is already down. What the hell was he doing that whole time? Anyway, Randy runs out the door (ha!) and climbs up the cage to escape, which…makes sense. Because from up there he can…jump off? Cena gets up there, of course, and hits the Attitude Adjustment on the top of the cage. I can’t believe they already blew that spot. And…that’s it. So I’ll just assume that Cena and Orton are going to ride the cage all the way to the PPV.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: John Cena and Randy Orton accidentally win the Tag Team Titles during the JeriShow/Misterio and Batista match. Plus, DX finally gets their long awaited win over Cody Rhodes. And Orton also gets the Spinnin’ Title, ensuring our long national nightmare never ends.






Triple H: So, what’d you think of the show tonight, Shawn?

Shawn Michaels: It was wonderful!
HHH: It was great!
Shawn: Well…it was good, anyway.

HHH: I liked a lot of it.
Shawn: There were...parts I liked.

HHH: Yeah?
Shawn: It wasn’t bad.

HHH: I thought was terrible.
Shawn: Horrendous!
HHH: The worst show I’ve ever seen!

DX: BOO!

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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