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RAW SATIRE    
Rothlisberger is INNOCENT, He Tells Ya!

October 8, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: Randy Orton won the Spinnin’ Title, and…Ugh. Also, DX accidentally won their match over The Lemony. Also, there was one or more Hell in a Cell matches. Did you hear? Maybe we’ll have one…TONIGHT!
 
(Opening Credits)
 
I doubt it though. Hey, look! It’s Ben Roethlisberger. Dude probably should’ve told his team that he was going to buy this show, but whatever. I’ve got him on one of my fantasy teams this year. I don’t think I get points for him cutting promos, though.
 

Ben Roethlisberger: Yeah! I won on Sunday! And it’s not like I have a game or anything to prepare for this week. I mean, geez. It’s just Detroit. So yeah. I figured what better time to buy a wrestling show than during the middle of the regular season? I’m like Pac Man Jones. Only talented. Oh, man, I think that concussion I got a few years ago has really messed me up. Here’s a women’s match.

NO!

The Face Divas vs. The Heel Divas
With Special Guest Referee
Gail Kim

It’s…all of them ok? Screw you. I don’t even know half of their names any more. There’s Kelly Kelly Kelly, and Martina, and…Bo Schembechler? Whatever. The one that’s sleeping with Undertaker. The faces are all dressed up as random Pittsburgh Steelers (Kelly‘s stuck being Greg Warren), while the Heels are dressed up as…XFL Superstars? Woe to the girl on each side who had to be Tommy Maddox. That joke is at least a hundred years old, and I do not care. Sorry. Gail’s boob explodes and hits Alicia Fox in the eye, allowing Mickie to pick up the win.

And here’s Randy Orton. Dressed, for some reason, in a Florida Tuskers jersey.

(ads)

And Randy’s still out there. Is that a Brooks Bollinger jersey?

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and once a grain holster of the PPV Girl’s Chocolatechip. Last night, Joe Cedar and I went through Helen A. Spell, and I came out Victorian! So come on out, Joe, so we can continuing this food ad mausoleum.

John Cena: Yo yo yo yo yo yo YO! YO! YO!

Um…didn’t he get kicked in the head? You know…the move that is supposed to basically retire you?

Cena: YO!

John Cena in the house,
Hanging with Big Ben!
Thought it was in England,
Turns out it’s in Penn!

Gonna continue this,
Feuding with Randy O!
For another ten pay per views,
No place else to go!

So I’m gonna challenge you,
To an Iron Man Match!
We wrestle for an hour!
But wait there’s a catch!

Nobody wants to see it,
It’s a big Red Alert!
So we’ll make it No-DQ,
So maybe you’ll get hurt!

Last night, I got kicked,
Should’ve ended my career,
But you can’t stop John Cena.
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Orton: Can I get the Crips’ nose for that promo?

Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Orton: I should’ve kickered your dad again.

The Cena and Orton hug.

(ads)

Jack Swagger vs. Primo Colon

Swagger says that he’s never going to lose another match again, which is not the smartest thing to say when you’re a heel. In fact, I can’t remember the last time a guy said this and didn’t immediately go on a five month losing streak and end up not being on the show anymore. When did Swagger become an awful wrestler? Because he kind of is now. Maybe he’s just having problems dealing with how awesome Primo is. Swagger hits a powerbomb for the win. So I guess he didn’t have a problem dealing with it after all.

Backstage, Chris Jericho and Big Show are playing checkers.

(ads)

Backstage, all the Divas are fighting over a football. That’s a scrum I wouldn’t mind getting on the bottom of. Huh? Am I right? Ugh. Even I can’t say that with a straight face. Not that I don’t mean it…sort of. But still. Thankfully, Santino comes in dressed as a football referee.

Santino Marella: Red-a card on Alicia-a Fox! You’re-a out of the Divas-a!

Alicia Fox: Oh yeah? Well…you’re out of the Divas!

Santino: Oh-a no!

And then they all start fighting again.

Elsewhere….

Ben Roethlisberger: Hey, can you come in here, I think my TV is broken.

Tough Enough Jessie: I don’t know anything about TVs! WAAAAAAAAH!

Ben: *sigh* Do you want to have sex or not?

T.E. Jessie: Oh. Sure.

The Miz: Hi, Ben! Busy?

Ben: Uh…No! Nothing was just happening here. Nothing at all.

Miz: That’s great. Mind if I hang with you then? To be honest, I’m way more interested in watching Favre play the Packers than I am watching the rest of this awful show.

Ben: You know what? Why don’t you have a U.S. Title match against Kofi Kingston instead? That sounds like something you would rather do than bother me in here while Tough Enough Jessie…fixes my TV?

T.E. Jessie: You said we were going to have sex! You lied to me! WAAAAAAH!

Ben: GET OUT OF HERE MIZ! And if you lose, you’re going to have to say you’re worse than the Buccaneers.

Miz: Damn, that’s harsh!

(ads)

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters and Chavo Guerrero vs. Montel Vontavious Porter and Mark Henry

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: This is going to be a Marinated Veal Portions battle, so the challengers have an obvious advantage here!

Fukui: Things not looking good for the Iron Chef down there. Not that they ever have, really. How did this guy get to be the Iron Chef again?

Dr. Yukio Hatori: I’m just happy that Chavo seems to have finally broken free from his association with Hoodwink. That guy gives me the creeps.

Fukui: Good point, I wonder where little Heydude is right now.

Hatori: Probably backstage making out with your mom.

Fukui: Would you stop?

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: So I was right! The challengers’ Marinated Veal Portions over Prune Cassarole was enough to impress the guest judges DX and Ancient Fortune Teller Woman! They win!

Afterwards, Hornswoggle jumps out of a bucket of stewed pears and Masters chases him around the kitchen with a ladle, until Chavo whacks Masters over the head with some French bread. Hornswoggle celebrates by eating an entire Cornish game hen in one bite.

Backstage, Ben Roethlisberger is watching football.

(ads)

But now he’s in the ring. Ben Roethlisberger Promo Time!

Ben Roethlisberger: Man, what a game they’re having over there on ESPN. You should go watch that. Seriously. I own this show so I can say things like that. Speaking of which, why the hell did I buy this thing again? Did…Did I have another motorcycle accident and nobody told me about it? Not cool guys. But seriously, I don’t even like wrestling.

Chris Jericho: Well, good thing you figured that out, because I was beginning to see an alarming lack of serious business on the show tonight. Hogwarts? Iron Chefs? Tough Enough Jessie? You either need to take this more seriously, Benjamin, or we will take it more seriously for you.

The Big Show: By sacking you and doing a little dance! YAAAH!

Jericho: What’d I tell you about talking?

Show: Sorry. I just got all riled up there for a minute.

Ben: You want to sack me? You’re going to have to get by these guys first!

“These Guys” are Darnell Stapleton, Willie “Caribbean Cool” Colon, Trai Essex, Max Starks, Chris Kemoeatu, and Justin Hartwig. That Kemoeatu is a hell of a run blocker. Which…doesn’t mean anything here, really.

Jericho: Is that supposed to scare us? These guys gave up the second most sacks in the league last year? Show is going to break through that line, you’re going to run around for ten seconds, and then he’s going to throw you into the popcorn guy.

Ben: Oh yeah? Well…you’re wrestling DX tonight! So suck on that one! Heh.

Triple H: With razor sharp wit like that, it’s clear why you won a Super Bowl, Ben.

Shawn Michaels: Seriously? After doing a Hell in a Cell match, you want me to wrestle tonight? This isn’t why I came back, you know.

HHH: Oh, suck it up, Shawn. We only wrestled Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase last night. Geez.

Shawn: What do you mean “we?” You sat outside the ring drinking a Cosmo and reading Tiger Beat for the first half of that match.

HHH: How the hell else am I going to learn about Miley’s styles?

Shawn: Ok…Point taken.

Ben: And if you’re not down with that, we’ve got two words for you!!

HALF TIME!

(Local High School Marching Band Concert)

Oh wait. Halftime is only one word. Oh well. Ben’s a stupid football player. “Oh Wait” is two words, though. If you’re not down with that….

Hey, Skillet is in the crowd tonight! Now if only Eggs and Bacon would show up, we’d have something going here.

The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston
For the WWE United States Title

I don’t think Ben took into account that Kofi is also Shelton, so there’s a very good chance that he might lose this match. Then he’d be directly responsible for Mike Mizanin holding a WWE Title. Yeah, go back to the Steelers locker room and try to deal with that stain on your resume, Benny. Kofi goes for his finisher to start. The brilliant strategic mind of Kofi Kingston ladies and gentlemen. Wait, no “ladies” watch wrestling. Sorry. Thunder Clap, and Miz just can’t take it anymore, so he tosses Kofi and goes into a corner to cry.

(ads)

CHINLOCK~! by Miz. And you say Randy isn’t a good locker room influence! Michael Cole The Office Joke: “Hey, King, we’re near Scranton. If the Miz quits, he can go work for Dumbo Michelin! That is the name of a company from the TV series The Office. Which I totally watch. I love the wacky hijinx of Mike, John, Doug, Sam and Norm.” Still the best joke he’s told in ten years. Kofi with his finisher, but he’s so shocked that he hit it, that he forgets to cover. By the time Kofi gets his bearings back, he’s slipped off the top rope and into Miz’ move (That’s his move!). A winner is Miz!

The Miz: I won a belt! That’s awful!

(ads)

Backstage….

Ben Roethlisberger: Hey, my TV’s…umm…broken. Do you think you could…”fix it?”

Hornswoggle: That wasn’t just directed at me, was it?

Santino Marella: Ben-a Rofflecopter!

Ben: Nothing! I wasn’t doing anything! The midget came on to me! You can’t prove anything! This isn’t even my TV!

Santino: I’m-a afraid I’m-a gonna have-a to flag you-a for too many-a men in the ring-a! You had-a six offensive-a linemen out-a there, and none-a of them reported-a eligible to me-a!

Ben: What now?

Santino: Don’t-a make me call-a Ed Hochuli-a!

Hornswoggle dives at Ben’s knee.

Ben: OW! Roughing the passer anyone?

Santino: Put-a on some pants-a you big-a baby!

Backstage, Big Show and Chris Jericho are enjoying a rootbeer float.

(ads)

Holy Crap! Nancy O’Dell and Maria Menounos have offered Ben the rights to Billy Bush, a 3rd Round Draft Pick, and a player to be named later for RAW. More on this story and who any of these people are, probably next week some time.

Chris Jericho and The Big Show vs. Degeneration X

Seriously though, I knew a kid who had Mariamenounos in high school and he was out of commission for, like, a whole year. Sad stuff. I think I’ll drink a glass of Nancy O’Dell tonight in his honor. By the way, about 9 times as many people watched Monday Night Football as watched RAW tonight. It’s ok though, Ben’s used to losing this season. I always love it when Hunter wrestles Jericho, because Chris gets this forlorn look in his eyes that says, “Oh, great. This again.” It really captures the essence of the match nicely. Hunter spends the entire first half of the match staring longingly at Big Show. Get a room. Geez.

(ads)

And now they’re hugging. Well…That’s nice. Jericho gets back in, and it’s non-stop knee action from Hunter. Just once I wish he’d switch to a butt-based offensive strategy. Just to change things up a little bit. Show in and he suplexes both members of DX. Hey, why not? I love that Shawn Michaels, bless his heart, is the only one out here at all tonight, who is even acting like he had a hell in a cell match last night. There were somewhere in the neighborhood of twenty of those matches on that PPV, but only one guy is suffering the ill effects. Show gets tossed at WWE RAW Ring Announcer Justin Roberts, and gets freaked out by Lillian’s new facial hair. Jericho does the math and bails out, only to be met by the Pittsburgh Steelers on the ramp. And while Jericho could have just run through them like most everybody else this season (I’m aiming to alienate my one fan in Pittsburgh, apparently), Jerich runs back into the ring and gets Superkicked for the win. Some day you’ll win one of these, Chris!

Michael Cole: This is the greatest show in the history of television!

Um…Sure!

Next Week: The cast of “Access Hollywood” spends two hours telling Primo Colon all about Lindsay Lohan. And with Hollywood owners, you never know what surprise guests might show up! Ok, you do, it’s going to be Pat O’Brian. Careful, ladies! Also, Tough Enough Jessie files the greatest lawsuit in the history of television.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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