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Moustache Rides: 5 Cents~!

October 15, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: Ben Roethlisberger completed a “pass” to Tough Enough Jessie’s “end zone,” if you know what I mean. I…I don’t know what I mean. Also, Randy Orton made a big deal about winning the WWE Spinnin’ Title for the 500th time. And, for some reason, The Miz. Who will show up…TONIGHT?!
(Opening Credits)


Chris Jericho: Help me, you guys! They’re trying to force me to have some kind of Survivor Series match this month. Survivor Series is next month! We couldn’t wait a couple weeks for this? And RAW was bought by Access Hollywood? I cannot fathom a way to take this business seriously. So I need somebody to come down to the corne-

Nancy O’Dell: HI, I’M ON TV!

Jericho: Oh, God.


Triple H: Um…Shawn has swine flu, so he’s not going to be here tonight. So…Here’s the newest member of DX, WWE Time Keeper Mark Yeaton!

Yeaton prances around the ring. He’s more flexible and sprightly than Shawn has been in years! Then Hunter laughs a hearty laugh. PEDIGREE TO MARK YEATON~!

HHH: Heh. That was hilarious. Anyway, Shawn is sick, so it falls on me to pick RAW’s team for the upcoming PPV WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents But Not ECW Presents WWE Not Survivor Series. But…I can’t think of a single guy on this show other than Shawn that I’d want as my partner. So…let’s give him a call.

Hunter picks up an imaginary phone, and the line rings over the TitanTron. At first, all we get is Shawn’s answering machine, trying to figure out how Scott and Kevin got his new number, but then Shawn picks up.

Shawn Michaels: Sorry, TitanTron. I’ve had to screen my calls lately. How did those guys get my new number? Anyway, I’m really sick, what do you want?

HHH: Shawn, I’m bored and I can’t think of anybody to be on team RAW, much less five anybodies. Or Anti-bodies. Will you read me a story?

Shawn: Hunter, I have a 104 fever and my head feels like it’s going to explode. No.

HHH: Pleeeeeease?

Shawn: Ok, fine. I’ll read you a paragraph or two from “The Unauthorized History of Degeneration X” which we totally authorized.

HHH: No, that book is boring. Do you have anything with pictures?

Shawn: Hunter…we’re on the phone.

Chris Jericho: ENOUGH of this segment! Do you know why our ratings are in the tank? Because we just spent twenty minutes trying to get a guy with a horrible disease to read a picture book to Conan the Barbarian. This…this is not serious business.

HHH: You know what else isn’t serious business? Your face! OOOH! Did you hear that, Shawn? Burn!

Shawn: I think I’m going to go lay down and try not to collapse.

Jericho: Well, you know what, Hunter? You’re no Big Ben. You don’t have the Phili…chusetts…Steel Guys here around you. You can’t even beat The Lemony without the aid of a gimmick match! You’re pathetic. The laughing…man…guy of the roster?

HHH: Wow. Settle down there, Randy. You may be right about me not being a member of the Pittsylvania Ironmen, but you’re a worse wrestler than The Great Khali! And possibly gay!

Big Show: Hahahah! In your face, Chris!

Jericho: Hey! Whose side are you on here?

Show: Technically? Hunters. Because RAW gotta represent!

Jericho: You’re on the RAW roster?!

Show: I…think so.

Jericho: Well…You fight like a dairy farmer!

Show: How appropriate. You fight like a cow!

Jericho: Shaq is going to come back and beat you up!

Show: Bob Barker never loved you.


HHH: And I’m going to go ahead and leave.


Chris Jericho vs. The Big Show

Show has taken to trying to calm Jericho down now for the sake of their tag team, but Chris feels betrayed. Mostly because I don’t think he realized that Show was a RAW wrestler. None of us did, Chris. None of us did. But sure enough, he totally is. There should be an ECW team for this match. It can be Chris Tian, Tommy Dreamer, William Regal, Generic Russian Thug, Ezekiel Jackson, That Little Japanese Guy, and The Ghost of Paul Burchill. And they can get lost on the way to the ring and never make it into the match. Jericho starts crying and bails on the match. Show wins!

Backstage, Maria Menounos is standing by with The Lemony. Uh oh.


Seriously, though, has Maria been neeped again?! Oh wait, this is a totally different Maria. She was in that band with Ricky Martin, I think.

Maria Menounos: Maria Menounos here, and I’m standing by with The Lemony, and-

Cody Rhodes: Menounos?! I have all your albums! Sing something off of “Viva! Bravo!” for me!

Ted DiBiase: Hold up! You like Menounos too?! I went and saw them in concert back in ‘88! Oh. My. God. Ralphy was so dreamy! I kind of remember them being more…girly than you, though, Maria.

Maria: Um…That was Menudo. I’m Menounos.

Rhodes: Like the breath mints?

Maria: Mentos.

DiBiase: Oh man! If I had a roll of those, I could do whatever I wanted, just like in the commercials! I could walk up the down escalator or walk in front of a bus! And everyone would just laugh because I had Menounos!

Maria: Ment-

Rhodes: Hey, did you know that if you put Menounos in Diet Coke the whole thing like…explodes?

DiBiase: NO WAY!

Rhodes: Yeah. That’s what killed Mike Adamle.

DiBiase: Let’s go try it! Bye, who ever you are!

Maria: You guys are facing John Cena later.


Hey, look! It’s the Indiana Pacers! Who?!

Jillian Hall vs. Mickie James
For the WWE Divas Title

Heh. Seriously, though, I guess it makes sense that the women owners would book a women’s match. How does “Access Hollywood” buy another TV Show though? This is like some sort of Super Meta Hypothetical Economics I really don’t want to get into, because I don’t feel like puking my brain out my nose just this second. It’s like what if “Dexter” bought “The Office” and Jim and Pam killed Dwight. AAAAH! Jillian Hall wins. WHAT?! AAAAAAHH!

Nancy O’Dell comes out in her Peyton Manning dress like the world isn’t tearing apart at the seams and babbling nonsense about a “trade” between RAW, Smackdown, and (for some reason), ECW. I guess this is ok because…”collectively” they own this show now and can trade whoever they…want…AAAAAAAH!

Melina vs. Jillian Hall
For the WWE Diva’s Title

You know what? Why the hell not. Take Mickie James away from me and give me Melina and The Bella Twins. That seems fair. You couldn’t give me Actual Maria as a consolation prize? Though I guess Mickie probably bitched about not getting to wrestle over the “real” belt. Jillian breaks into a Lady Gaga song to start, which I’d complain about, but this massive brain hemorrhage isn’t going to tend to itself. Melina basically just flails around for ten seconds, missing a half dozen moves in the process. That’s Her Move! Melina wins. AAAAAAAAAH!


Ok. I’ve calmed down considerably. What’s going on here? Ok, we’re backstage with Hunter and a Cardboard Cut Out of Shawn Michaels, with a speaker phone taped to the back of it’s head so it sounds like the cutout is talking. That’s…normal enough.

Shawn Michaels: This is stupid. I don’t care who is on team RAW. And I’m practically dying. Can I get some sleep?

Triple H: Shawn, this is serious business! And I don’t mean Chris Jericho serious business, I mean…are you watching the show?

Shawn: Um….

HHH: Stupid question. Ok, let me lay out for you exactly what’s happening. Another TV show bought our TV show, and now a crazy woman and a pack of Mentos are basically just destroying the show. I don’t know if I can keep it together.

Shawn: It can’t be that bad.

HHH: They just traded away our only two girls who can actually wrestle for the Bella Twins.

Shawn: Wait…The Bella Twins weren’t on RAW?

HHH: Actually…I don’t even know. But that’s not important, Shawn. We need to take back our sh-

Billy Bush: I’ll show you for plotting against us! Take it down, Hopskipper!

Hornswoggle prances in dressed as Mark Yeaton dressed as Shawn Michaels. He gives a Superkick to the cut out.

HHH: Um…what was that all about?

Bush: I don’t know. My family isn’t really very good at planning things out. We just kind of…do. Are you intimidated?

HHH: Not really.

Bush: Damn. Next time!

Friggin’ elsewhere….

Santino Marella: I can’t-a believe it-a! It’s like-a if the “Cosby Show-a” bought “Who’s-a the Boss-a!”

Maria Menounos: Yes. It’s just like that.

Beth Phoenix: OBJECTION! I demand to know why I’ve been traded to Smackdown!

Nancy O’Dell: Omigosh! I have that same pleather tiara at home!

Maria: We thought you’d want to spend more time with your new boyfriend, Chris Jericho.

Beth: He spends more time on RAW! I challenge you to a match.

Maria: I don’t know….

Santino: Come-a on, Maria-a! If you say-a no, you invalidate-a that YouTube-a video of you training-a!

Maria: You’re right, Santino. That would seem a bit silly. Beth, you’re on!

Santino: I miss-a you, sweetie-a!

Beth: I miss you too, Santino. I miss you too. Hey, what’s that noise?

Pat O’Brien: Don’t mind me…I’m so into you…I want…I want to give you the most exciting mustache rides you’ve ever had…I was at the Olympics…Do you want…can you leave me a voice mail? So that…I can…Did I mention my mustache? Let’s get some coke and hookers. I think I saw a midget in chaps earlier. That would be so hot. Let’s do it. Wink at me if you’re into it.


Ted DiBiase vs. Cody Rhodes vs. John Cena

This is for a spot on Team RAW at Not Survivor Series. I hope Cody Rhodes wins this. Wouldn’t that be amazing? That’s really the only acceptable outcome to this match. I mean on a night when a TV show buys another TV show, and friggin’ Nancy O’Dell is trying to put an end to Monday Night RAW, Cody Rhodes needs to win this match. My brain is doing much better, by the way. I just stuck some Q-Tips in there to stop the bleeding, and hopefully that’ll hold until I can find some scotch tape. Or just some scotch. Hey! It’s the rare Triple Clothesline.


The Lemony has the advantage when we come back. I’m having a hard time figuring out if “Access Hollywood” is a heel because it basically booked a handicap match here, or a face because it hates John Cena. Cena suplexes them both, which prompts Lawler to start foaming at the mouth, which is going to ruin his “Lawler for Mayor” T-Shirt. Jerry Lawler would make the most hilarious mayor. Can I get him to come be guest mayor of my town? If anybody would know how to revitalize the downtown area, it’d be Jerry “” Lawler. Randy Orton comes out to see what the hell this is all about, and Cody uses the distraction to roll up DiBiase for the win.




Nancy O’Dell: You four are in a tag match later. Toodles!



Jack Swagger vs. Montel Vontavious Porter

The winner of this match will earn the right to team with Cody Rhodes. An amazing prize! Swagger is so excited that he goes for his finisher before the bell sounds. I don’t think that’s how this works. Tonight, MVP stands for Molten Volcanic Pumice, because he’s a house afire. For…ten seconds anyway. Then Swagger actually does hit his finisher for the win. Well, you can’t win them all, MVP. Or any of them, I guess. But hey, Swagger is 2-0 on RAW since he said he was going to win every match, so I guess you can win them all. So if I had a point there, I have no idea what it might have been.


Cody Rhodes: I won a match! Can you believe it?! ME!

Ted DiBiase: I can’t believe I let this happen. This is all Nancy O’Dell’s fault. If it wasn’t for her and her stupid lake-

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and holster of the UFL Girl’s Chocolatechip! Lemony, to fight we face each other as enmities, but let us never forfeit the common bond of frond ships that binds us together.

Rhodes: You barely talk to us.

DiBiase: You won’t even accept my Mafia Wars invites on Facebook! What kind of friend are you?!

Orton: I’m lettering you beat upon Joe Cedar all night!

Rhodes: Well…Ok then. But if I accidentally pin you…Oops.

DiBiase: Yeah…Accidentally…ON PURPOSE!

Rhodes: Subtle.

DiBiase: It’s…a TV show.

Rhodes: Not a good one.

Orton: No.



Kofi Kingston vs. Evan Bourne

Don’t do that to me tonight, show. So this is really the best Hunter could come up with? Cody Rhodes and the X-Division? Ok, Cody Rhodes and the X-Division is a totally awesome name for a band. But still. Kofi is Shelton, so if he wins, I guess ECW will be represented after all. I do kind of wonder if Shawn doesn’t regret not being more involved. “You let who on our team?” There’s a Jim Neidhart joke in there somewhere, but I don’t have the mental stability to make it right now. Kofi with a kick to the head. That’s his move! Kofi wins.


Shawn Michaels: You let who onto our team?! Ugh…Sick or not, I should’ve come.

Triple H: Your loss, bro. Jim Neidhart’s going to be the best member of Team RAW.

Shawn: Ugh. Can I hang up now? I’ve been on the phone with you for two hours now. My neck’s starting to cramp up.

HHH: All right. So you ready to learn how to wrestle?

Mario Lopez: Sure thing! I think this owning RAW thing is going to work out great!

Nancy O’Dell: HEY! You don’t own RAW! Not yet, anyway!

Maria Menounos: Yeah! This is that traitor from Extra! I have half a mind to kick him in the balls!

HHH: And I have half a mind to show ladies my-

Shawn: Hunter! What did we say that type of language makes Baby Jesus do?

HHH: Didn’t you hang up?

Chavo Guerrero: Hey guys! What’s going on here? A backstage segment? That’s so cool. Do you mind if I hang out he-

Maria Menounos kicks Chavo in the balls.

HHH: I’ve been waiting ten years for somebody to do that.

Shawn: One more win…For the good guys!


Beth Phoenix, Alicia Fox, and Rosa Mendez vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim and Maria Menounos (w/ Nancy O’Dell)

Sadly, this isn’t for a spot on Team RAW. Maria’s wearing a Greek flag on her shirt, so by WWE logic, she’s a heel. But she’s also wearing pleather pants, so it’s kind of a wash for me. Anyway, Maria tags in about halfway through the match, and demonstrates her knowledge of three separate moves (hair toss, kick, slightly different hair toss), which immediately makes her one of the show’s best wrestlers. I guess all that YouTube training really worked out for her. Kelly with some sort of springboard leg drop for the win. I don’t even know if that’s her move or not.


Hey! It’s Miz!

The Miz: Wow. Crazy night tonight, huh? So I just found out that I’m facing the Intercontinental Champion at Not Survivor Series in a couple weeks. And that guy is John Morrison, who you may remember but probably don’t, was my partner in a relatively popular series of videos on WWE.com where we made fun of Funaki. And then we broke up. Now, with almost no buildup, we’re fighting. I’d be really depressed about that, but I have to get out of here before Pat O’Brien finds me again.

Pat O’Brien: Do you…do you want to see my penis? Just…wink three times if the answer is yes. I won’t tell my girlfriend.




Randy Orton and John Cena vs. The Lemony

Apparently, Randy Orton is tight with Snoop Dogg, and he called Snoop and convinced him to buy RAW. And since Snoop hates John Cena so much, he’s booking Cena in what could be John’s last match on RAW ever. EVER! Until he becomes The Calgary Kid. The East Coast-West Coast rivalry lives on! Or maybe he’s just mad at Cena for unleashing Tha Trademark onto the world. That set rap back twenty years. Well…That and Soulja Boy. For no apparent reason, Orton tags himself into the match and attacks Cena. Ted DiBiase, seeing his opportunity to finally win a match rolls Orton up for the win. Randy is, understandably, upset by this turn of events. Not as upset as Cena, though, when he finds out that his opponent next week will be the one guy who actually beats him all the time: Triple H.

Next Week: Snoop Dogg books nothing but Divas on Poles matches. Also, Rob Van Dam shows up for no reason whatsoever so stop asking. And John Cena has his last match on RAW…until his next match on RAW.


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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