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The Tale of the Tape...

October 25, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: Nancy O’Dell and Maria Menounos were the best guest owners, mostly by not having a frigging clue what the hell was going on. Also, Ted DiBiase beat Randy Orton for some reason. And Shawn Michaels had H1N1. Who will he infect…TONIGHT?!    
(Opening Credits)

Based on how I feel right now, the answer is me. He infected me.

So…here’s the new owner of RAW Snoop Dogg, who is being accompanied to the ring by Whatever Divas Didn’t Get Traded Away Last Week and DX. Because nothing says “cool” more than hanging out with two 40 year white old guys.

Snoop Dogg:
In the nizzle my nizzle, it’s me it’s me it’s that D-O-Double G!

Triple H: Road Dogg?! So that’s what happened to you! Oh, man, R-Truth is going to be so excited to see you again.

Snoop: Nah, homey, it’s the Snoop to the Dizzle! You know? And I hear hizzear that John Cena is wresizzling his last match on Rizzaw tonight. I hear that because I booked it.

Shawn Michaels: Snoopy, I have to be the first to say, I really love when you pretend to be fighting the Red Baron, but I have to ask, are you ever going to finish that novel. What happens on that dark and stormy night?!

Snoop: I already wrote my novel. Tha Doggfather: The Times, Trials, and Hardcore Truths of Snoop Dogg. It’s illustrated, bitches!

Shawn: Tha Doggfather? Is that anything like Tha Trademarc?

Snoop: Don’t make me have to slap you.

HHH: Don’t mind Shawn, he’s not down with the hipity hop music. Unlike me. I love them all. X-Pac, Notorious F.Y.E., Bill Cosby….

And with that, Snoop Dogg shakes his head and leaves. DX decides to set up the Smackdown and RAW teams for WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents But Not ECW Presents WWE Not Survivor Series. Let’s do the same, shall we?

Team Raw:


Triple H: 150 time World Champion. Career Highlights include having sex with Stephanie McMahon and fellating a large sausage.

Shawn Michaels: The Showstopper, Mr. Wrestlemania, The Big Chipwhich. Career Highlights include wearing little girls’ sunglasses, and being beaten up at a bar.

Cody Rhodes: Mr. The Lemony. Career Highlights: N/A

Kofi Kingston: Jamaican Mecrazy. Career Highlights include being Shelton and giving Michael Cole the Thunder Clap

Big Show: Well It’s. Career Highlights include eating one of the Beverly Brothers. Turned Face. Turned Heel. Father surfed on by Big Bossman.

Jack Swagger: The All American American. Career Highlights include accidentally spitting on Chris Tian, doing pushups. Also, eating a Push Pop.

Mark Henry: The World’s Strongest Man. Career Highlights include being fat, having sex with (in no particular order) an 80 year old woman, a man dressed like a woman, and his own sister. Father to a lovely hand.

Team Smackdown:


Chris Jericho: Mr. Monday Night. Career Highlights include losing to Triple H all the time. Recording an album of 80s pop songs in the 00s.

Kane: The Big Red Machine. Career Highlights include having long, loving relationships with two separate mannequins. Three if you count X-Pac. Fathered a delicious entrée. Totally awesome. Needs more.

Dolph Ziggler: Hi, My Name Is. Career Highlights include introducing himself to Howard Finkel once.

Shad Gaspard: The Big One. Career Highlights Include not being JTG.

JTG: The Little One. Career Highlights Include being JTG.

Eric Escobar: The Puerto Rican Man-O-War. Career Highlights include having sex with Vickie Guerrero.

Drew McIntyre: The “Future World Champion.” Career Highlights include being the subject of the only known WWE Writer’s meeting where they debated who the cutest member of the Backstreet Boys was. Might be Spanky.

HHH: I mean…what is that?

Shawn: I zoned out after Cody. I don’t even know who 90% of those people are.

HHH: I mean we were supposed to pick the best guys from our respective brands right? Was Funaki busy or something? I feel almost bad about fighting these guys.


Cody Rhodes: Even I could beat most of those guys.

Big Show: Hey now, let’s not get carried away. Wait…seriously, the third best guy on that team is Dolph Ziggler?

Mark Henry: These guys are going to quit harder than Shane McMahon.

Jack Swagger: Have you ever noticed how weird I look when I smile? What’s with that? Like I’m some kind of goofy imp…it’s kind of depressing.

Kofi Kingston: I don’t care what happens. So long as I’m not the one who gets pinned, everything’s fine.

HHH: Woah, when did you lose the accent?

Kofi: When they started giving me mic time…mon.

Shawn: Hey, I’ve got a great idea! Let’s have another match right now! And if any of us loses in this match, we get replaced on our Not Survivor Series team. I sure hope I don’t accidentally lose to Evan Bourne and have to spend Not Survivor Series in Cabo!

HHH: You’re not losing to Evan Bourne, Shawn. We’re not even going to be in this match. The captains can’t lose!

Shawn: Aw, come on! I’m still recuperating!


Big Show, Mark Henry, Jack Swagger, Cody Rhodes, and Kofi Kingston vs. Montel Vontavious Porter, Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters, Evan Bourne, Chavo Guerrero, and Primo Colon


Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: There are too many cooks in this kitchen, I have no idea what’s going on here. I’m just going to go eat a ham sandwich instead.

Fukui: Huh. Ok then. You know, I have to say it, I think RAW’s B-Team could probably beat Smackdown’s A-Team.

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Yeah…yeah. Love the A-Team. Mr. T and that guy from Star Trek right? Brilliant.

Fukui: Are you even listening to what I’m saying?

Hatori: Huh? No. I’m thinking about that ham sammy.

Fukui: I give up. Team RAW wins. Er…the good one. And now they’re punching each other. Good plan, guys.

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: This sandwich is delicious.

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Matthews is standing by with Ted DiBiase.

WWE Diva Josh Matthews: WWE Diva Josh Matthews here, and I’m standing by with Ted DiBiase. And Ted, I have to ask you, what were you thinking when you pinned Randy Orton last week?

Ted DiBiase: I was thinking…boy I should probably win this match.

Randy Orton: Well may bees you should be thinking “Boyd, I’m going to be kickered out of The Lemony.”

DiBiase: Um…Ok? Seriously, what have you really done for me, Randy? I give and I give, but I’ve never so much as gotten a card from you thanking me for my help!

Orton: The real questionnaire is, where would you be whip out me?

DiBiase: I’d be in a go nowhere tag team with Cody Rhodes which would only be on TV every week because of our last names.

Orton: Ha! That sounds like a tragible situationalilty!


Orton: Unpossible!


Ted DiBiase vs. Randy Orton


The story of the match is that Ted won’t retaliate when Randy attacks him, because he knows Randy is right. Ted is only a Lemony breakup from jobbing to Hornswoggle every week on Superstars. Sorry, Chavo. The crowd is going crazy go nuts for some reason. They do realize this is Ted DiBiase, right? OH! He’s the new Virgil! How the wheel of time has turned on the DiBiase family! Randy gently caresses Ted’s jaw, and Ted sighs and falls over. Best match since the Hogan/Nash touch of death.

Aww…Super Mario died! I’m doing the Mario in your honor, Lou.


Here’s the Jacksonville Jaguars. No, the fans in Jacksonville don’t know who they are either.

And here’s Snoop Dogg’s video. I…can’t comment on this because I don’t know anything about hippity hop music. There sure seems to be a lot of Gangsta Luv here.
In the Snoop Doggfice.


Snoop Dogg: I should’ve just stayed home. I haven’t been this embarrassed to be part of a project since I played Huggy Bear.

Bella Twins: We never saw that move.

Snoop: That’s really creepy. And hot.

Jillian Hall: Snoop Dogg! Will you lay downs some beats for my new album?!

Snoop: I’ll do just about anything for money, as this appearance is proving….

Hornswoggle: You’re my fifteenth favorite rapper, Snoop.

Snoop: Shut the hell up, Hizzuggybear.

Chavo Guerrero: Snoop Doggy Dogg! What the hell are you doing in here with these twins and a midgit! Something really sexy, right? Can I watch?

Snoop: What?! HELL NO!

Chavo: I just thought I’d ask…Come on Hamsandwich, let’s go get a ham sandwich.

Santino Marella: Snoop-a Dogg! You were-a in my favorite-a movie! Soul-a Plane! Look-a at me-a! I’m dressed-a as Tom-a Arnold!

The Ghost of Lou Albano: You-a are an affront-a to Italian Stereotypes-a!

Snoop: EVERYBODY BUT GHOSTS AND HALF NAKED WOMEN GET OUT! Now, come on Captain Lou, let’s light up so-

Here’s the dreaded “Technical Difficulties” graphic. Only now it’s not Triple H trying to eat the lettering, it’s Michael Cole trying to…kiss Hornswoggle? Huh.

Snoop: Some séance candles! Come on, guys! We got a ghizzle up in here! Cizzaptain Lizzou.

Cpt. Lou: Don’t call me that again or I’ll stick a plunger on your face.

Backstage, John Cena is trying desperately to get into Snoop Dogg’s dressing room, but his bodyguards know better than that.


John Cena vs. Triple H


This could be Cena’s last match on RAW! Aren’t you excited? I know I am. It’s not that I hate him or anything, I just think I could use a month’s vacation or so. Which is all we’d be getting. Come on. I really appreciate how every time this match happens, they try to make a big deal out of it. It’s only the 950th time these two have faced each other! This year! One time Hunter was wearing a loincloth! They’re punching each other. HHH goes for the Pedigree which is hilarious.


Do you suppose I could quit doing the Satire, move off to maybe start my own MMA company and work on my mom’s Senatorial campaign, all while living the high life off my wife’s Spaghettios money? Me neither. Especially since I don’t get paid for this job. But seriously though, Shane McMahon is nuts. Dancing around Titan Towers is literally the easiest job. Except for being WWE Time Keeper and DX Member Mark Yeaton. All that guy does is ring a bell, and I bet he makes more in a year than you or me combined. Think about that. HHH goes for the Pedigree again, which is even more hilarious.


Two ad breaks? Really guys? Does this match really need *two* ad breaks? Hunter goes for the Pedigree again, which has moved from being hilarious to being kind of sad. I realize That’s His Move! but at the same time…come on, man. Cena goes for a top rope leg drop which is even more stupid, but for entirely different reasons. Especially since it actually sets up Triple H hitting the PEDIGREE TO CENA~! for the win. Poor Cena looks so crestfallen that he totally forgets that he just got the crap kicked out of him.

Backstage, Randy Orton is watching his cousin Kyle on Monday Night Football. I still think the Broncos should’ve signed Abe.


The Miz vs. Marty Jannetty


Snoop booked this match so that Miz would get a good long look at his future. Can I call him Snoop? Yeah. We’re tight. Miz is freaked out because…who wants to end up as Marty Jannetty? Honestly? Did Shawn bail him out again? I’m kind of shocked he didn’t come out in a DX shirt. Just because. The crowd is going nuts, because watching washed-up, old jobbers be able to pull off 1-2 different moves still is thrilling once or twice a year. Miz still wins though. Sorry, Marty.

Backstage, Chavo is hitting on Jillian Hall. How the mighty have fallen. You used to have Pepe, Chavo! Pepe!


Jillian Hall (w/ Chavo Guerrero) vs. Melina
For the WWE Diva’s Title


This is the ol’ rematch clause match. Chavo causes a ruckus outside the ring, which allows Jillian to hit her one (1) offensive move for this match. Hornswoggle swoggles out to the ring, dressed in his Snoop Dogg Halloween costume. Dammit! That’s what I was going to wear this year! To be fair, it probably fits him better. I don’t know what made me think Baby Snoop Dogg was a good costume idea. Anyway, Melina wins with her move. That’s her move! Chavo gets into it with Hornswoggle. I thought they were friends now! Snoop Dogg comes out to save his baby self, but Chavo shoves him too. That doesn’t help Snoop’s street cred, so he tackles Chavo and has his body guard drag Chavo away to get beaten. The Face Divas come out to dance with Snoop, Baby Snoop, and for some reason, Michael Cole.

Snoop Dogg: I don’t know why I bought this shizznit. Snoop out!


Chris Je-



Some…NASCAR Guys are buying RAW? Sorry…I don’t know.

Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels


Jericho immediately says that he has no intention of fighting Shawn Michaels. In fact, he’s just lured him into a trap. To accentuate this, Cryme Tyme comes out to the ring as well. Oh, come on, guys! You’re faces! Don’t be like this. Kane is out here too, which I can totally accept, because…he’s Kane.

Chris Jericho: Look, you know full well that Team Smackdown is going to win after all….

Here come Dolph, Eric Escobar, and Drew McIntyre!

Jericho: Dammit.

Team RAW rushes the ring now because all Jericho has done is gotten them to realize that Team Smackdown is a lame bunch of losers, and Team RAW is totally going to win. And that makes everybody get along better. Vickie Guerrero comes out to try to convince Team Smackdown not to embarrass themselves before the PPV even starts, but if you know anything about Smackdown, you know these guys can’t wait to embarrass themselves. So they rush forward, and Team RAW step to the side, and the Smackdown guys fall over the top rope and land on their heads. Ole!

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Team RAW wins even though nobody but Kofi Kingston even bothers to show up for the match. Also, John Cena wins the WWE Title with the help of a disgruntled Jay Cutler. And Shane McMahon shows up one last time, and realizes that he totally made the right choice.


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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