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SATIREVERSARY: Cake? Check. Eating it, too? Not so much.

October 30, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com



Triple H: Happy Satireversary, Shawn!

Shawn Micheals: What does that even mean?

HHH: What do you mean what does that mean?

Shawn: It doesn’t make any sense. For the past seven years you’ve been saying that to me, but never once have I gotten a good answer as to why we celebrate it?

Tommy Dreamer: If I may? The Satireversary is a neo-Western corruption of an ancient Pagan holiday, “All Saytrs Day.” On this day, ancient Greeks would dress up in red masks and have tremendous orgies with statues. Then they would burn the whole city to the ground and start fresh.

Shawn: I was right!

HHH: I just thought it was an excuse to drink and eat cake?

Dreamer: Sigh…You don’t know how much I hate you.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Happy BIRTHDAY!

HHH: What are you doing here, Dave? You’re supposed to be on Smackdown picking on a guy half your size.

Batista: I wanted a CAKE!

Shawn: Where’d that cake go anyway?


Last Night: John Cena won a match I can only describe as “an hour longer than I thought it would be.” Plus Team Smackdown beat the odds and replaced their whole team with members of Team RAW for the win. And Team Smackdown left with the Not Survivor Series cup. Will that matter…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Hey look, it’s Chris Jericho wearing a Smackdown T-Shirt. Does he even appear on that show anymore or is this one of those weirdly ironic things? Like whenever somebody from WWE goes to TNA and talks about WWE all the time, or when people interview Michael Strahan and he acts like he still plays for the Giants?

Chris Jericho: Smackdown won! Thanks to me! You see, it was entirely my idea to swap out my team of guys you’ve never heard of for an entirely different team of guys you’ve basically sort of heard of. And it was a total success! This is the best Satireversary ever! Eeeeeeeeever! I won this great bowling trophy with “Not Survivor Series Champion” written on some masking tape. Also, apparently, I rolled a 160 average!

Big Show: And who helped you roll that average? Me! Because I’m a bowling machine! I’m also the only person on this team who actually belongs on this show, so I think I’m going to be unnecessarily taking a lot of the fall out from helping you win last night.

Jericho: Helping me win? You beat up Kofi Kingston! That guy is Shelton, Show. Shelton.

Show: Look, all I’m s-

Jericho: Plus, you beat up DX! They’ll never mess with us again! Especially not with Actual Survivor Series coming up!

Show: What I’m try-

Jericho: You know what I love? Cosmic Bowling. There’s something about swinging around 16 pound weights when you can’t see that I find really appealing.

Show: Chris-

Jericho: Oooh! Or bumper bowling! Who loves bumper bowling?!

Show: I’m moving over to Smackdown temporarily because they don’t trust you to be Undertaker’s next opponent!

Jericho: Sucks for you, man. Smackdown’s an awful show.

Show: Didn’t we just win a match to get Smackdown’s honor back?

Jericho: Uh…Shut up.

Backstage, our new owners Kyle Busch and Joey Logano are playing bumper cars with the Bella Twins. In real cars. That’s kind of…a waste of gas. The Bella Twins aren’t very good at this, so they decide to go into the arena and drive down to the ring.

Kyle Busch: We did that because we drive cars for a living.

Joey Logano: I like to go fast.

Busch: Second place is the first loser! Woah, Big Show! I didn’t see you there. Way to turn on your team last night, buddy! That’s how you win the…um…race of life?

Logano: I am going to go ahead and disagree with him, so that we can maintain a separate dichotomy. Also, Local Sports Team sucks!

The Buffalo fans aren’t too upset about this because…Well…Yeah.

Logano: To further muddle matters, I’m making you wrestle your opponent tonight. In a match!

Chris Jericho: Against Triple H?

Logano: Is that the one with the nose?

Jericho: Yes.

Logano: Then maybe!

Busch: And to prove that I too can make matches, I am going to put Chris Jericho up against the greatest wrestling name of all time, Kofi Johnston!

Both Jericho and Show look crestfallen.

Show: Are you sure? Kofi Johnston?

Busch: Maybe?

Jericho: Poor guy. Hey, Kyle…Other guy can you hold my trophy?


Kofi Johnston vs. Chris Jericho

Poor guy indeed. Mr. Johnston comes out to a generic guitar track from his great uncle Jim and no pyro. He doesn’t even get to Thunder Clap. He’s not Jamaican enough anymore! Hell, he’s not even Shelton! Chris Jericho looks sad as Kofi comes down to the ring. He’s been here before. Actually, not really. Back in WCW when he was just some generic idiot, he was more over than he’s ever been in his life, because everybody on that roster was a Kofi Johnston. Pity does not prevent Jericho from dropkicking Johnston in the face.


For some reason, I can’t get the song “My Hands” from Jewel out of my head right now. And it’s horrible, because I hate that song. But it’s oddly fitting for this match. How, I’m not sure. Jericho blocks Trouble in Suburban Ghana, and goes for the Walls, but Kofi rolls through. Jericho with the Code Breaker, but Kofi’s in the ropes. Frustrated with his inability to put away Kofi friggin’ Johnston, Jericho totally forgets to continue the match and gets hit with the Trouble in Suburban Ghana. Johnston wins! Yes, Virginia, there is a Satire Clause. And if you’re good, maybe a he’ll bring you a little Thunder Clap.

But wait, what’s this?! Rany Orton is out, and he’s none too happy that Kofi took out The Lemony to save John Cena for no reason last night. At the very sight of Orton’s rage, Kofi trips and falls off the stage, diving head first through one of the NASCAR car windshields. Orton wins!


Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Randy Orton.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with Randy Orton. And Randy, did you really have to attack Kofi Johnston? Doesn’t that guy have enough problems?

Randy Orton: It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the UI Girlschocolatechip. And you know why I’m a former holster, Jock? Because Kory Kingfish there was in cornhusks with Joe Cedar. They were in cornhusks, Jock!

Mathews: So you say, but-


Cody Rhodes: Randy, I know you’re upset right now, but we bought you something for your Satireversary that we know is going to cheer you up.

Ted DiBiase: When he says “we” he mostly means me. I bought you something nice with my trust fund money. It’s a NASCAR car with your face on the hood. I think Goldberg had one of these once.

Rhodes: I bought you an air freshener! Now your car will smell like…um…cookie dough! For a couple days anyway.

Orton: You guys boughtered me a rape car?! Happy Sad Tire Nursery indeed!

DiBiase: Mostly to distract you from the fact that I’m totally going to steal your spot in The Lemony and get a meaningless title match on RAW instead of you!

Orton: And an Air Frenchioner?

Rhodes: Let’s just leave him to it.

Orton: I really liken how you broughtered out my crotch.


Kyle Busch: And that is…how…are we on TV?

Eve Torres: I can’t believe you guys make enough to buy this show for driving around in circles.

Joe Logano: And some times we don’t even make it around the circle!

Eve: Ugh.

Jack Swagger: Hey guys. What are you up to? Celebrating this great, if odd, holiday?

Busch: Honestly? Trying to figure out what the hell to do with a wrestling company? Why did we buy this?

Logano: I dunno, man. All you said was “You know what rednecks like?!” and the rest is just a blur.

Swagger: Well…while you work that out, can I have a title match?

Logano: Um…No. I don’t even know who the hell you are.

Swagger: Feeling’s mutual buddy!

The Miz: Everybody knows who I am right? Can I have a title match?

Busch: No! For exactly the reason that I do know who you are!

Miz: Come on, random hot girl! We’re out of here!

Eve: To be honest, I’d rather stay here with these boring chauffeurs than hang out with Miz.

Tough Enough Jessie: Why doesn’t anyone ever ask me to escape with them?! WAAAAAH!

Elsewhere, Santino Marella is trying to shield Melina from a bunch of paparazzi who have no idea who she is. Why in the hell would there be paparazzi in Buffalo?!


Apparently, I’m getting some guy named Sheamus this year. That’s…a fair trade for Shane McMahon, I think.

Santino Marella and Melina vs. Chavo Guerrero and Jillian Hall

I have to admit, Melina and Santino are the most inspired pairing on this show since Randy Orton and that Salad Bowl. Santino spends fifteen minutes wandering around and then dives at Chavo, who moves out of the way. The Rock, MVP, or Scotty 2 Hotty he is not. Hornswoggle runs out for no reason in particular and starts crotch chopping everyone. Melina rolls up Jillian for the win. The lights go down, the DX theme plays over the loudspeaker and a lawyer comes out and tells Hornswoggle to stop pretending he’s X-Pac or he’s going to get sued. Because nothing says “40 year old rebels” more than lawyers suing midgets. Actually, now that I think about it, that’s a pretty fair description of 40 year old rebels, isn’t it?

Backstage, John Cena is eating a pudding pop. Happy Satireversary to you too, buddy.


Another Cody Rhodes Interview? Geez.

Cody Rhodes: So, just so we’re clear on this, Randy’s backstage slobbering all over his NASCAR crotch.

Ted DiBiase: And meanwhile, thanks to a provision which we forgot to tell you about until just now, Randy is barred from fighting Cena for the WWE title until the writers forget that they did that. So…next month probably.

Rhodes: So what will it be, John? Which member of The Lemony will you be taking on tonight?!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO! YO! YOOOO!

Last Night was a battle,
Even I must confess,
An Iron Man match,
Had me under stress!
Could I go an hour,
Against Orton’s heavy load?
Did we have to do the spot,
In which I explode?
So I’m too tired,
I’m not wrestling you two!
Cody’s just too boring,
Ted just makes me spew.
Tonight’s the big night,
Everybody’s invited,
Got a Satireversary,
And I’m feelin’ inspired!
So I’ve got an idea,
One to make it clear,
That Lemony is chumps,
I hate you so much.


The Lemony vs. Mark Henry and Montel Vontavious Porter

Tonight MVP stands for Manly Variable Parts. Surely he can fix up the MVP Formula 1 car with those and race the other cars for pink slips, Though Montel’s about three more boring months away from wrestling for a pink slip if you know what I mean. And you don’t. Maybe Hogan could bring him into TNA. Wouldn’t that be fun? Mark comes in and punches Ted, and MVP rolls him up for the win. Is that their finisher on the new WWE game? Because if it is, I’m totally going to buy it. After the match, Randy Orton comes out and he doesn’t look too happy.

Randy Orton: I am not too hotty! What happened to my gramp kneed revamp clause? Where art the ghosts of Sad Tire Nursery Past to save me?

Kane: Who me? I’m sorry, I can’t hear you, because I’m too busy having sex with a mannequin.

Stone Man Still Austinberg: And I can’t hear you because I don’t exist any more. What?

Rob Van Dam: Dude, I can’t hear you because I’m too busy searching for my buddy Lance Storm and a Jade Gopher! Yeah! All right!!

A Rather Officious Looking Penguin: I am a penguin.

Orton: You guts were no hilt at all!

Hey! Backstage!

Kofi Johnston: You want a rematch?! I WANT MY LAST NAME BACK! To a lesser extent I also want my stupid accent and my identity back! But I’m not going to get any of those things, Randy? You know why?! Because the second they started to push me, they made me just some random guy! So that is why I pretty much have to destroy your car. Sorry, dude.

Kofi tries pushing a cart into the car, but nothing. He hits it with a crowbar. Nothing. He dumps a bunch of paint all over it, but nothing happens. Defeated, Kofi Johnston just stands on top of the car and screams, which, as you well know, causes it to explode. Kofi falls off. Orton wins!

Orton: My NESTLE car! I don’t feel like mulch of a weiner.

That’s debatable.


Hey, it’s the Buffalo Bills, proving once again that you can’t lose any football games if you’re at a WWE live event! That’s their new selling point!

Evan Bourne vs. The Miz

This is not for the U.S. Title because that would be silly. Nobody wants to see that. Well…Evan Bourne might. Eve Torres is doing the ring announcing for this match and this match only for…no discernable reason. Justin Roberts is even right there. Maybe Kyle and Joe just got sick of having her harass them backstage. Oh those women, can’t live with them, can have them announcing your matches. Jack Swagger comes out to hit on Eve, because there’s no better time to try to score a date than in the middle of somebody else’s match. Miz sees Swagger trying to steal his gimmick and chases him off for a count-out. You couldn’t have made this a title match?


So I guess Ozzy bought RAW? Does he even remember that his daughter is still on Dancing with the Stars? Does he remember anything at all?

Sheamus vs. Jamie Noble

Jamie Noble! Busch and Lagano show up and say that, as one of their final acts as owners of RAW, they signed away the whitest guy possible. And here he is. What will ECW do without…um…this guy? It’s a real blow, I tell you. To who, I’m not exactly sure. I’m not even sure what Sheamus’ gimmick is, other than being translucent. Which…is pretty impressive, but it’s no Kofi Johnston. Wait…his gimmick is that he’s Irish? How does Finlay feel about this? Other than not caring. Dude sounds like Bono got kicked in the balls though. Bicycle Kick and Sheamus wins! That’s the finisher of champions! Worst Satireversary present ever.


Big Show (w/ Chris Jericho) vs. Triple H (w/ Shawn Michaels)
In a Lumberjack Match

This is my Satireversary Main Event? Come on, guys. This kind of blows. Hunter says he talked the race guys into making this a lumberjack match. So the whole RAW Roster is out at ringside. Jericho comes out with Show, but he kind of bails on the whole thing after he sees everybody else out there. Then John Cena comes out to be the special guest referee! John Cena hates Big Show because…um…He…? They did have that Wrestlemania match one time! Hunter dumps Show into the lumberjacks to start. That’s not very sporting!


Apparently, during the commercial, Big Show head butted every single member of the RAW roster. Why do all the cool things happen during the commercial breaks?! Show is taking it to Hunter now. Is it bad that I’m cheering for Big Show here? I mean…Screw RAW, right? I hate this show. Not this Show though, understand. Show goes outside and punches Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters for no reason. Heh. The RAW Wrestlers take offense to this…for some reason, so Mark Henry runs…er…waddles in and hits a World’s Strongest Slam on Show, which Evan Bourne follows up with a Shooting Star Press. Santino wants in, but Show starts to attack him too, but Kofi Johnston makes the save with the Trouble in Suburban Ghana! He is Johnston! Superkick from Shawn Michaels. His Move from Jamie Noble (that’s his move!). PEDIGREE TO BIG SHOW~!

Kyle Busch: I’ve been hearing a lot of talk tonight about a “Satyr-versary.” Well, I don’t much care for Satyrs. But I love parties, so I’m going to give a gift to two WWE Superstuds.

Joe Logano: Yeah. We figured we’d steal everybody’s Days of Thunder and book a match for the upcoming Super Serious Pay Per View.

Chris Jericho: I invented that one.

Busch: But we couldn’t decide who was going to be in it. Or…remember most of the roster for that matter. So at Super Serious, it’s going to be John Cena versus…DX! And the winner gets that ugly belt!

Hornswoggle: Fantastic. I knew there wasn’t a better time to join DX.

Evan Bourne: Dude, aren’t they going to sue you?

Hornswoggle: Relax. I have Clarence Mason on the case. I’ll probably own the rights to the letter H by the end of RAW next week.

Bourne: Diabolical!

To their credit, DX and Cena look kind of bored by this news. Wait! Shawn is excited. Oh…Never mind. He just hand to sneeze.

Next Week: RAW is going off the rails on a crazy train. Also, Hornswoggle shames DX for their lack of minorities. And Big Show eats Sheamus because…well…Why the hell not?


Cody Rhodes: I’m really sorry about the car, Randy.

Randy Orton: There’s scrabbles and paint all over it!! Now how will anyone bake in the gory of my crotch?

Ted DiBiase: We know, we know. But look! We got you something to make up for it. Another special surprise!

Ted pulls out a briefcase.

Orton: Is that…A breed case cake?!

Cody: It sure is! One Satireversary briefcase cake for our main friend Randy.

Orton: You guys are the breast laggies ever. EMPIRE!

Orton cracks open the briefcase and stares in wonder at the lovely cake inside. Just as he’s about to take a bite, however, Kofi Johnston runs through and kicks it into his face.

Orton: JOHNSTON!!!


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