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RAW SATIRE    
Ozzy Osbourne presents... Mnggrrrrdon Nibbhhhcxghp RUUBBPPPPPPHHH!

November 6, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: It was a Satireversary, and almost nobody was invited. Those NASCAR Guys were pretty awful hosts, and even they seemed to understand it. And some guy named Kofi Johnston accidentally spilled paint on Randy Orton’s car. Who will spill something on something…TONIGHT?!
 
That’s the sound of “Crazy Train” which means only one thing. A horrible remix by Lil’ Jon! I mean Ozzy Osbourne and Sharon.
 

Sharon Osbourne: Hello! Hello! Ozzy loves the WWE so much that we decided to buy Monday Night RAW! Ozzy, do you remember when you were at Wrestlemania? Or that one Smackdown?

Ozzy Osbourne: Mphabmaple aghaerau Smackdown!

Osbourne: What do you mean, “What is Smackdown?”

 
The Miz:
I think what Ozzy is trying to say, if I may, is “Who cares?” Smackdown? Old Wrestlemanias? This is Monday Night RAW, Sharon! And who is a bigger star than The Miz?
 

Ozzy: Joahhp Zena…Rmapghy Gorrga…Kodstky Johahlby…Jnafffy Nboggale?

Sharon: Do you have a point Mr. Miz?

Miz: Um…no. I’m sorry.

*CODY RHODES INTERVIEW ALERT*

Cody Rhodes: But I do have a point.

Ted DiBiase: That’s debatable.

Cody: Come on, Ted! Randy Orton’s car got paint thrown on it last week! You can’t even make out his crotch anymore! I want a two on one handicap match! The Lemony versus Kofi Johnston! TONIGHT!

Miz: That sounds stupid.

DiBiase: Sorry, Cody, I’m with Miz on this one. I’d rather take a nap than defend the honor of Randy.

Big Show: Hey, what’s going on out here? A party? Well great, because I missed the Satireversary because I was BEING ATTACKED BY THE WHOLE RAW ROSTER! Ozzy…stick it to these guys.

Ozzy: Rghalaoby Bmphx!

Show: Haha! In your face…wait…what’d he say?

Triple H: I think he said “Needs more Kane.”

Show: Well…can’t argue that.

Shawn Michaels: Anyway, clearly Ozzy has the most in common with us. I mean after all, who knows more about being a strung out, old, white guy still clinging to the very last vestiges of his youth better than Degeneration X and Ozzy Osborne?

Sharon: It’s true.

HHH: So when we say Miz should have a match against Evan Bourne for the United States Title tonight, Ozzy says….

Ozzy: Egahana Braafjgh!

Shawn: And when we say Kofi Johnston should get a shot at Randy Orton tonight, Ozzy says….

Ozzy: I AM IRONMAN aghaajjahMagnetic Field!!

HHH: Er…right? And that triple threat match? The one with John Cena, Big Show and Chris Jericho?

Ozzy: Mr. Crowley?

Sharon: I think what Ozzy is trying to say is “Suck it.”

HHH: Ozzy, will you record a cool version of my theme? Lemmy won’t call me back any more?

Ozzy: Not a chance. SHARON!

(ads)

Evaghayaw Bourghay vs. The Mihghahaz
For the WWE United States Championship

Finally, the guy that everybody on the RAW roster has beaten is getting his title shot. Cole and Lawler are bound and determined to talk about Ozzy’s book instead of the match, so you know where this is going. It’s not that impressive, really. Call me when he spends seven years writing a parody of a semi-popular wrestling program. Which is just…sad, really. Cole says that he read the book cover to cover, which is pretty funny because I swear Michael Cole can’t read. Then again, I also swear Ozzy can’t write either, so…Miz wins, of course!

(ads)

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Sheamus.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with Sheamus. And Sheamus sounds like a bad infomercial product. You know that right?

Sheamus: Aye.

Mathews: So, what’s your plan for tonight? Going to go tell Ozzy how much you love being from the same general geographic location as him?

Sheamus: Nah, I’m going to come backstage and wander around. Hopefully I’ll get into the background of some other backstage segments or something.

Mathews: Your career is a joke. You know that, right?

Sheamus: Aye.

Sheaguahgabyas vs. Jamhgioqp Noblaydhw

Poor Jamie. Especially since Sheamus isn’t nearly as cool as his predecessor Abe Orton. This is off topic, I know (not like you care about a Sheamus match anyway), but I saw Ozzy in concert a few months ago, and the guy looks rough. Rougher than usual, I mean. I kind of expected his body to fly apart halfway through Crazy Train. Which would’ve been worth the price of admission, let me tell you. I do enjoy the fact that he’s seemingly replaced Zakk Wylde with a nine year old Japanese boy. Sheamus wins with the Bicycle Kick (The finisher of champions!) and poor Jamie Knoble has to be stretchered out. Heh.

(ads)

WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Kofi Johnston.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with Kofi Johnston, and Kofi, I have to ask you, do you have any regrets?

Kofi Johnston: Seriously, dude? Have you been watching this show for the last month?

Mathews: Yeah…dumb question, huh? Sorry. But hey, at least you’re not Shelton anymore!

Kofi: Yeah. There’s definitely that.

Mathews: Well…You want to cut a promo or something? Yell about Randy Orton?

Kofi: That’s how all this crap got started! NO!

Mathews: You don’t have to yell about it, dude! Geez.

(ads)

Kofjponiuah Johnkaowyabp vs. Raakboayal Orkoawaybsd (w/ The Lemqasygbz)

Revenge is a dish best served in a briefcase, my friends. Or maybe that’s cake. Revenge is a dish best served in cake. No, that’s not right. Oh forget it. Honestly, if I was Randy, I wouldn’t be too disappointed in losing that car. First of all, he had hair in his portrait, so it was clearly a pretty old picture they were using. And secondly, what in the hell was he going to do with a race car? Drive it to Costco? We saw his house, it wasn’t that big that he could throw a huge car in there. Unless he was getting some kind of Cash for Clunkers deal on it or something. Anyway the Osbournes see the foolishness of their ways and change the match.

(ads)

Kofjponiuah Johnkaowyabp, MVDWHGYOQS, and Marghyyssad Henraldkapghy vs. Raakboayal Orkoawaybsd and The Lemqasygbz

Tonight, MVP stands for Mighty Violent Prince. You know I was the Prince of Darkness for, like, a semester of college. It was not all it was cracked up to be, let me tell you. On one hand, I hate to spoil such a star studded match for you guys, but on the other hand one team features Cody Rhodes heavily, so I don’t feel too bad about it. I will say that Henry and MVP have now been together about three months longer than I’d though. Hell, they’re practically an iconic tag team in today’s WWE now! Kofi almost falls over, but salvages a drop kick out of the mess. Mark Henry grasps Cody Rhodes and slams him for the win.

(ads)

It’s RAW’s Got Talent! Which…no. It does not. Sadly, they couldn’t get The Hoff off his bottle of hooch long enough to come here for this, so the judges are Ozzy, Sharon, and, for no particular reason, The Great Khali, who is there with Runjin Singh, who I’m pretty sure is supposed to be introducing Indian Hulk Hogan to TNA right now.

First Contestant: Santino Marella
His Talent: Eating Things You Aren’t Supposed to Eat

Santino eats an entire baseball bat, and then vows to eat the city of Batman, Turkey.

Ozzy: Sahgadya akdaoybadiy!

Sharon: That boy reminds me of a young Kelly, who is appearing right now on Dancing With the Stars. You should probably turn over to that until this segment is done.

Khali: AAAAAHGHGH!

I think I’ve discovered why Ozzy and Khali get along so well.

Second Contestant: Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters
His Talent: Cooking Naked (to the tune of Crazy Train)

Ozzy: That’s how it goes.

Sharon: You win first prize. Come here and give mommy a burrito.

Khali: LEARN HOW TO LOVE AND FORGET HOW TO HATE! AAAAAGH!

Third Contestant: Jillian Hall
Her Talent: Singing Close My Eyes Forever

Ozzy: Wakjlgkadsdashpauekarjkl!!

Sharon: Medic! I think we’ve finally killed him! That final blow to his cultural relevance was too much.

Khali: YAY!

Chavo Guerrero: When do I get to come out here and do my Ronnie James Dio impression? WOO! I’m ready to rock!

Sharon: Don’t you see? Ozzy’s in pain from that last performance!

Chavo: He doesn’t look any different to me.

Sharon: You know? You’re right. He’s fine.

Chavo: You know what’s not fine? Your stupid TV show!

Sharon: Chavo, that was four years ago. And it hasn’t been popular for six years. Give it a rest.

Khali: AAGFFF!

Khali chops Chavo, because…he can. Then Hornswoggle runs out dressed as Jack Osbourne and kicks Chavo in the balls. Tadpole Splash. That’s his move! Somebody wins! Not me or you, but I swear, somebody won here.

Backstage? Girls.

(ads)

Divaoadflkas Battalkdahp Royaklapq
For the Number One Contendership to the WWE Diva’s Title

I’m not writing out all their names. Sorry, but I just don’t care enough. Not after 90% of the good wrestlers left for Smackdown anyway. At least we still have Kelly Kelly Kelly. Jack Swagger comes out, presumably because he too wants a shot at the Divas Title. Speaking of which, why aren’t there contenders for this title? Every month we have a battle royal for it. You’d think one of the girls would just pick a fight with Melina and boom. Number one contender. Alicia Fox wins, mostly because battle royals are the only matches she can win.

(ads)

Backstage….

Chris Jericho: Come on, man! I have my own tribute band to you! Fozzy Osbourne! Fozzy! It’s like your name, but with an F in front of it!

Ozzy Osbourne: SHARON!

Sharon Osbourne: I think what Ozzy is trying to say, Chris, is that we’ve never heard of you or your band. But rest assured, I’m sure it’s terrible.

Jericho: I used to think you were so cool! Why do my childhood heroes always have to let me down?! WAAAAAAAH!

Tough Enough Jessie: I feel so bad for you! WAAAAAAAH!

Ozzy: What was that guy’s problem?

Sharon: “End of Days” was a horrible, horrible song.

Elsewhere….

Shawn Michaels: Hunter, are you sure about this?

Triple H: Huh? Yeah! Biting a head off a midget is what gave Ozzy his big break. Tonight’s the perfect night to do this.

Hornswoggle: Seriously, you guys? This is the best angle you could come up with for tonight? Stringing me up and trying to bite my head off?

Shawn: You shut up, Hellspawn.

HHH: Yeah. And quit dressing up like us to try to drag us into a feud with Chavo Guerrero!

Hornswoggle: I’m dressed as Jack Osbourne! Jack Osbourne!

HHH: Ha! The fake afro? The baggy clothes? I think we all know who you’re dressed as.

Hornswoggle: Randy Savage?

Shawn: I do have to admit, I’m kind of concerned about how following the career path jives against my particular belief system.

John Cena: What’s going on in here? Biting heads off midgets? I’m down.

Hornswoggle: Ugh…I hate this show.

Cena: So I guess we’re fighting at Survivor Series. Which one of us do you suppose is going to win?

Shawn: Not me! I mean, I don’t even wrestle part time anymore!

HHH: If I’m being honest, probably me. Because I said so just now.

Cena: Well you better be ready to bring it, because I’ll be beating you guys off all night.

HHH: I can’t wait to get my hands all over you, Cena. Shawn will distract you, and I’ll get you from behind!

Shawn: Groin…touch.

Bella Twins: We’re just going to stand here and see what develops.

Cena: That’s really creepy.

Hornswoggle: But hot.

Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!

(ads)

The Biaga;kld-

(ads)

The Biaga;kld Sholkwoiiup vs. Chriayajay Jericanblpa vs. Johkada Cenquapbb

Shawn and Hunter are on commentary and are infinitely better than Cole and Lawler ten seconds into the match. Jericho and Show are beating up Cena, so I have to wonder why the Osbournes booked this match. Unless they hate John Cena as much as everybody else. Which…I can totally see that, yeah. Jericho goes for a pin, but Show pulls him off. Presumably because he wants to win the imaginary title on the line here. Cena goes for the Attitude Adjuster on Jericho, but Show decides he’s worked just about enough tonight, and punches John in the face. Jericho rolls him up. Chris Jericho wins! JERICHO BEAT CENA! OZZY LOVES FOZZY AFTER ALL! DX comes into the ring to stop that nonsense, but Show knocks out Shawn and Jericho takes out Hunter. Which…What the hell is going on here?! Did I miss opposite day again?

Next Week: We’ll be in England, and you know who should buy RAW when it’s in England? Ozzy Osbourne! Wouldn’t that be…Oh…Instead we get some…Boxer man. Also, Hornswoggle joins the Beefeaters.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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