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RAW SATIRE    
The Lesser of Two Rickys

November 12, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: British Folk Hero Ouzzy Osbouurne did not, sadly, book at Iron Man match. It was, however, a Black Sabbath for Jouhn Ceuna. Also…Another Ouzzy song Raundy Ourton. Who will be a song…TONIGHT?!
 
(Opening Credits)
 
Are we in…England? Ugh. Here’s…I have no idea who the hell this is. Actually, that’s sort of a lie, because I know who the Beulla Twiuns are. Another vowel in there and they can be married to Toummy Dreaumer! The chyron says this is “Riucky Hautton.” Wikipedia says he is some sort of boxing man. I am somewhat skeptical that this is going to work out well. Anyway, to support Wikipedia’s claim (I never argued it!) they show Riucky knocking out some other boxing man. I’ll cop with you here, if they aren’t Kiung Hiuppo or Glauss Joeu, I have no idea who they are.
 

Riucky Hautton: Oi! I’m a boxing man, go’vna!
 

Chris Jeuricho: I can already tell that I’m not going to like where this is going. Look, let’s just book a bunch of matches here that makes me and show look awful and DX look great and get the hell out of England before GLAAD finds out that we’re here.

Big Show: Yeah. Plus this food is making me bubbles and squeak, if you know what I mean.

Jericho: Eeew.

Hautton: Ey! Big Show! I want to knock you out like Flouyd Mayweauther!

Shouw: We’re not paying you enough.

Jeuricho: Besides, even if you did knock out Shouw, I’ll be here to take you out. Just like I took out Jouhn Ceuna.

Shouw: Um…That’s not how that happened. Did you even watch the show last week?

Jeuricho: No. Did you?

Shouw: …Touché.

Jeuricho: Shouw, do you think either of us can beat Thine Undeurtaker at Survivor Series?

Shouw: Not a chance, little buddy.

Triuple H: What the heck are you guys doing out here? This is supposed to be…um…this guy’s moment in the sun! You can’t just come out and wreck our guest host’s opening segment every week!

Jeuricho: Yeah! It’s like…we’re a couple of degenerates or something.

Shauwn Michaeuls: OH! In your face, Hunter!

Triuple H: Who’s side are you on, Shauwn?

Michaeuls: Can I pick the Beulla Twiuns?

HHH: I wouldn’t blame you if you did.

So, Shauwn decks Jeuricho, because that’s the answer to the question WWTBTD? They stare down Biug Shouw, but he’s already lost interest and gone backstage to eat more fish n’ chips. With a spot of tea, no doubt. Oh! And scones!

Hautton: And if you’re not down with that, I’ve got two words for you! Gor Blimey!

HHH: Isn’t that just one word?

Hautton: Oh? Who made you the guardian of the Queens? Hm? Was it Chaurles? Damn him!

(ads)

Keully Keully Keully (2/ Gaiul Kium) vs. Aliucia Foux (w/ Jilliaun Haull)

Did you remember that Aliucia won a battle royal to become number one contender for the Diva’s Title last week? Because I sure as hell didn’t. And I even wrote up a match report on it. No word yet on what the hell Gauil and Jilliaun are doing out there, but nobody cares. Miuchael Coule uses the entire match to talk about Keully’s dream of being a journalist (huh?) mostly as a springboard to remind us of way back when he had an actual career. I can’t believe that Riucky didn’t make this a Boxing Match. Aliucia with the Axe Kick for the win.

Backstage…

Riucky Hautton: I hope you like being on RAW, son! Let’s say hello to random people backstage! Look, Deaun Maulenko! And this nice lady…is…um….

Touugh Enouugh Jeussie: Oh yeah?! Well I don’t know who you are either! WAAAAAAAAH!

Jouhn Ceuna: Hey! Riucky Hautton! I have all of your…boxing…cards? And little…son! How nice to meet you both. I think. Hey, man. How come I don’t have a match?

Hautton: I have zero interest in seeing you wrestle tonight.

Ceuna: So I flew all the way over to England for nothing?

Hautton: Seems that way.

Ceuna: You’re a terrible owner.

Hautton: It was all worth it to get to not watch you wrestle tonight.

(ads)

Sheaumus vs. Thou Suuperflous Uu

Oh man! How’d they get Thou Suuperflous Uu, the legendary British wrestler to appear on this show? Riucky Hautton really is a miracle worker! Apparently, after getting Bicycle Kicked last week, Jaumie Knouble is considering retirement. I would too if I was Jaumie Knouble. Sheaumus is the heel here, clearly, because he’s Irish. Also, because he’s not a British legend. You know who is a British legend? Me. I’m just saying is all. Razor’s Edge and…That’s the pin. Huh. Gave up on the kick already, bro? That’s the kick that ended Jaumie Knouble’s career! A little respect, please.

(ads)

Backstage:

The Beulla Twiuns: So tell us about working on the British Office, Riucky.

Riucky Hautton: That’s Riucky Gervaius. I’m a boxer.

Sufficiently disinterested, the Beulla twins leave. No doubt to find themselves a Lord or two. I hear there’s a whole house of them. It must be like the Real World in there.

Sauntino Maurella: Riucky-a Fautton! I am-a here dressed like-a you!

Hautton: I don’t get it, guvna.

Sauntino: Ah! This-a is you-a from your-a Menounos days-a! Not your-a “Livin’ La-a Vida Loca-a” days!

Hautton: That’s Riucky Maurtin.

Sauntino: From-a the Rock N Roll-a Express?

Hautton: That’s Riucky Mourton.

Sauntino: The leader-a of The Lemony-a?

Hautton: Sigh…Raundy Ourton.

Sauntino: I have-a no clue-a who you are-a.

Chauvo Guuerrero: Hey guys! I heard Riuckie Lauke bought RAW tonight! I can’t wait to play darts against her!

Hautton: Uh…Riucky Hautton, actually. I’m a famous boxer. I’ll play darts against you!

Chauvo: Actually, I was just going to throw darts at her. Um…do you want to box?

Hautton: Do I ever!

Elsewhere….

WWE Diva Joush Matheuws: WWE Diva Joush Matheuws here, and I’m standing by with Ye Olde Miuz, and Miuz, I have to ask you, how the hell did you get your own Survivor Series team?

Ye Olde Miuz: Joush, I’m not going to lie to you. It was either going to be me or R-Truuth, and frankly, Viunce hasn’t forgiven Roun for Movin’ tha Thang.

Matheuws: I can’t say that I blame him.

Jauck Swaugger: Hey guys, I just heard Riucky Williaums bought RAW and is in charge tonight! I’m going to go see if I can do more push-ups than him. Laters.

Roub Vaun Daum: I’m gonna…um…YEAH! ALL RIGHT!!

Miuz: They’re going to be so disappointed when they find out it’s Riucky Ruubio.

(ads)

Evaun Bouurne vs. Jauck Swaugger

Swaugger does look a little disappointed. I think he could probably do more push-ups than Riucky Hautton though. That guy looks like he hasn’t worked out in about ten years. How was he a champion boxer again? With his own gym? Then again, so was Buutterbean, I guess. Ye Olde Miuz comes out, and Swaugger is so distracted by the concept of The Real World: House of Lords, that he forgets that he’s in a match, and Evaun hits his move (That’s His Move!) for the win. Evaun Bouurne has finally defeated Jauck Swaugger! Not that we remember that feud or anything.

Backstage, Maurk Heunrey is singing “I’m Heurnry the Eight, I am, I am” for the nine billionth time.

(ads)

Mountel Vontaviouus Pourter and Heunry are in the ring, and their special guest tonight is Koufi Jouhnston. I love this team, by the way. It’s like…they just thought of as many black wrestlers as they could, and then, suddenly realizing what they just did, threw Chrius Tiaun in there too. He’s like the new Oweun Haurt. Surprisingly, Sheulton isn’t on Koufi’s team.

Mountel Vontaviouus Pourter: Maurk, Koufi, I’m excited for Survivor Series! Dare I say, our team is “Straight Up Ballin’”?

Koufi Jouhnston: No. You daren’t.

Maurk Heunry: Man, I feel so bad for you, Koufi. First you lost your Kiungston, then you fell over, now you’re in a feud with Raundy Ourton on a team that has R-Truuth and me on it. That’s a rough life.

Koufi: I should really move to Jamaica just to cleanse me of all this negativity.

Roub Vaun Daum: Yeah! All right!!

Hey look! It’s The Lemony! *COUDY RHOUDES INTERVIEW ALERT*!

Raundy Ourton: Well if it isn’t my components at Surveyor Seas. Coffee, Motel, and the big one. I haven’t forgotten what you diddered to my crotch, Coffee. I will not strand for it! I am Ranky Q. Morgan. I am a Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the PIG Girl’s Chocolatchip. I will not be takerstered lightly!

Coudy Rhoudes: You think this is supposed to impress us? What, was Cryume Tyume busy or something? You’ve got MVP, who has done literally nothing his entire career, Maurk Heurny, the world’s dorkiest man, Chris Tian, who can’t even put away whoever Youshi Tatsuu is, and R-Truuth, who…Well that joke kind of writes itself.

Teud DiBiause: Our team is a bunch of white guys and your team is a bunch of black guys.

Coudy: TEUD! We’re supposed to be being subtle!

Ourton: Yeah, be more subtittle, Ted!

Teud: Um…go back to the ghetto? While we will be eating…at an Applebees?

Coudy: Much better.

(ads)

Maurk Heunry (w/ MVP and Koufi Jouhnston) vs. Raundy Ourton (w/ The Lemony)

I don’t even think they’d know what an Applebees is. Am I still big in England? Somebody let me know if you know what Applebees is. I don’t even think there’s one by my house. The closest one closed down, like, three years ago. CHINLOCKS~! Ahoy! I wonder if Maurk’s beard gives him any protection. Maybe it’s a Beard +3 vs. Chinlocks. Maurk pretty much just overpowers Randy for a half hour, until he inevitably gets tired and falls over. Ortoun wins!

(ads)

Heh. So RAW’s getting a new theme song. And it’s by Niuckleback. I’m not even making that up. It’s so perfect on so many levels.

Chauvo Guuerrero vs. Riucky Hautton
In a “Boxing Match”

It’s actually an MMA match, but I hear if you say MMA too many times Dauve Meultzer shows up at your house and tries to sell you the “improved” Wrestling Observer, and I really don’t want that. Jeurry Lauwler is, for some reason, talking about the time he wrestled Kiung Hiuppo, which I’m pretty sure didn’t happen. So how many fixed fights do you suppose Hautton’s been a part of? Allegedly. Hautton hauls off and slugs Chauvo, and Chauvo goes down. Sadly, he does not do the delayed sway and fall like in Punch Out, but he does manage to nail the, “Oh, I’m getting up…no I’m not.”

(ads)

Backstage….

Jouhn Ceuna: I don’t even get it, Huundredandonedalmations, why in the hell would we have paid all that money to fly you over to England to appear in one backstage segment?

Hournswoggle: Face it, Jouhn, my feud with DX is the best thing happening on this show right now.

Ceuna: Sadly, you’re right. No go hide in my closet, I think I hear DX coming.

Moments later….

Triuple H: Jouhn, are you harboring an illegal midget in this room?

Ceuna: Does that sound like something I would do?

Shauwn Michaeuls: Actually, that kind of sounds like something I would do.

HHH: Ok, whatever. Enough with the best feud on RAW. What I really came in here to ask is…do you know how to Twitter?

Ceuna: Tweet?

Michaeuls: There’s no need to insult us! We just want to be part of a fad!

HHH: Yeah! Part of the fad! We’re Degenerates, you know!.

Ceuna: Ok, sure. First we have to sign you up for an account.

HHH: Ugh. Too hard. I’m out.

Ceuna: Ok, Shauwn, what do you want your name to be?

Shauwn: XPinKg0KuX

Hournswoggle: YOU CAN’T SEE ME! HAHAHAHAHA!

HHH: By jove he’s right! I couldn’t see him!

Shauwn: Maybe it’s time to invest in some bifocals.

CM Puunk: Joke’s on you, Michaeuls! I already have that username!

Elsewhere, nothing much is happening.

(ads)

Biug-

(ads)

AGH!

Biug Shouw and Chrius Jeuricho vs. Degeneration X

Jouhn Ceuna is down on commentary as if this match weren’t annoying enough. Coming out of the break, Huunter goes for the Pedigree pretty much right away which is funny. That’s just about enough success, JeriShow! But then Shauwn makes the mistake of tagging in and suddenly he’s playing Riucky Hautton. Or…something like that. I’m sort of depressed I didn’t word “Colour” into the show so far, so there it is. Also, Tea Time, Crumpets, Bangers and Mash, and Cheerio, old boy. There. Pretty much go them all in. Knackered. There. Ok. Show takes a page out of Riucky Hautton’s book, but accidentally swings over Shauwn’s head and knocks out Jeuricho. Huunter knocks Shouw out of the ring, and Boub’s your uncle.

But wait! You see, Riucky Hautton sold the show to another terribly out of shape boxer. Rouwdy Rouddy Piuper! And next week, its’ going to be DX vs. JeriShow vs. Jouhn Ceuna and…Thine Undeurtaker! BONG!

Next Week: The Road to Survivor Series continues when none of those eight guys will take the loss except poor Jeruicho and Big Shouw. Plus, for some reason, there’s an overstock of superfluous Qs. And Rouwdy Rouddy Piuper spends the whole show denying reports that he’s dead.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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