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80s NBC, Meet 21st Century RAW...

November 20, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: The Superfluous U made a rare television appearance! Also, John Cena was there for no particular reason. And Thy Boxing Man was the most unimpressive host to date. Will that hold up…TONIGHT?!
Luis Guzman: Yeah. I wanted to buy RAW, but they said they didn’t know who I was. Come on, man! I was in Carlito’s Way! And the direct to video sequel!

Roddy Piper: That’s great, whoever you are, but you’ve got the sickness! It’s infested you.

Guzman: Omigod! H1N1?!

Piper: That’s why I came back! To buy RAW with all the money I had left, and purge this world of the evil of Professional Wrestling.

Guzman: Do you suppose I could be a guest judge on “Iron Chef?”

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters: Probably not. As you can tell by my appearance, only people of a certain quality are allowed onto Iron Chef.

Guzman: So I’d have to be bald then?

Iron Sheik Wrestling Iron Sheik: I am Iron Sheik! It is play on words, Louis Goldman! I loved you in Taking Pelhams 123! It was Oscar worthy performance. I AM HEELING YOU! I never saw that movie! I bet it was awful! I spit on its cinematic integrity! Hack Ptooie!

Guzman: I never should’ve shown up here tonight.

Bella Twins: We agree.

Piper: AH! Stop doing that!

Sheik: Do not listen to Rodman the Pipester! What man wears dress? Wearing a dress is something Hulkster Hogan would do! Hack Ptooie! Let’s go on tour in Australia together!

Piper: We’ll make hundreds!

Sheik: I AM HEELING ON YOU AGAIN! We make nothing! I leave you to be picked clean by koalas!

Iron Chef Masters: Just…roll the credits.

(Opening Credits)

Ooh! The new opening credits! They’re…just like the old ones. Only…you know…Nicklebackier.

Montel Vontavious Porter vs. The Miz
For the WWE United States Title

Tonight MVP stands for Most Valuable Player, oddly enough, none of whom play for the Yankees, according to Miz. Now, Rick Scaia’s eleventh favorite baseball team is the Yankees (as has firmly been established in his nineteen page long wrestling updates about him watching the Yankees, with a throwaway line about Prince Iakea thrown in at the end), but I hate them. So I’m with Miz on this one. In fact, I’m pretty much always with Miz. Mostly because I heard once that he was Awesome. Don’t remember who told me that though. Miz wins with his move. That’s his move! That Girl from The View is not pleased with the results. You know…not Whoopi, Barbara, or That One from Survivor.


Santino Marella vs. Chavo Guerrero

Santino is getting the best heat…Cheap heat. He’s wearing every single New York sports jersey possible, including, for some reason, a California Redwoods shirt. Chavo controls the majority of the match, as per the usual with Santino. However, the tides turn when Hornswoggle prances out in Mirror Chaps and hits the SUPERKICK TO CHAVO(‘s knee). Santino with the roll-up. Santino wins! Match of the night so far! I don’t think DX is too happy about this.

Triple H: We’re not too happy about this.

Shawn Michaels: I mean, you want to pretend you’re in DX? Dress up in official DX merchandise that you purchased at WWEShop.com or any of the merchandise booths located throughout the concourse? Great! But you do not mess with a man’s mirror chaps.

HHH: He’s pretty serious about this mirror chap thing. He could go all day about it. Hey! Sherri Shepherd! The other other other girl from The View. What’s up? You want to pretend to have read this copy of the DX Crime Novel? We’re much more popular than MVP!


HHH: Let me try something. John Cena.

Crowd: BOOO!

HHH: Heh. Still got it.


HHH: Ugh. Handcrafted, come on out.

A wild Hornswoggle emerges.

HHH: Look, I don’t really care about any of this but as you can see-


HHH: Shawn’s a little miffed about this. Do you have anything you’d like to say?

Hornswoggle: I’m really sorry, guys. I just wanted to be cool.


Crowd: Boo!

HHH: Heh. Still got it.

Michaels: Woah. Did you just turn us heel?

HHH: I…guess?

Michaels: And who are we feuding against at Survivor Series?

HHH: Um…Finlay maybe? Or…Is it Santino?

Michaels: I really should’ve kept that burger flipping job.


Did you know that WWE has run shows at Madison Square Garden? Apparently Michael Cole doesn’t believe that you do!


Roddy Piper: I’ve got these coconuts because it’s the only thing anybody remembers me for! That and chewing gum! I was a wrestler for 100 years! Does anybody remember that?! NEVER! Why I remember back in aught three when I teamed with Sean O’Haire who also had the sickness, and you can tell because he had three or four sicknesses and that’s why come he was always wearing that coat, and then I took out a coconut again because that’s what I do why does everyone only remember the coco-

Chris Jericho: Will you shut up for ten seconds so I can get in my weekly segment with the new owner?

Piper: Chris Jericho! I remember when you were in WCW? You remember that? There were coconuts millions of coconuts why in the world did you have coconuts in WCW that didn’t make any sense because there weren’t enough Samoans there at the time to hit in the head back in the day all we had were-

Jericho: Ahem.

Piper: And now the musical stylings of Chris Masters!

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters somehow manages to play “Boom Boom Pow” on some crystal glasses. The Bella Twins are properly impressed. Jericho looks…sort of sad.

And in the audience? The OTHER Black Eyed Peas. I do love this sort of, “Well…here’s who we could get” feeling of the celebrity appearances. Next, like, the ugly Jonas Brother and Tito Jackson are going to show up. I think this is Apl. De Ap and The King of Town, for what it’s worth.

Backstage, two people who are even less important are walking around.


Bwahaha! Speaking of third tier celebrities, here’s The Fat White Guy from 30 Rock Who Isn’t Alec Baldwin. Seriously you guys? Hug Man from that Dave Matthews video? Anyway, he introduces our next match.

Alicia Fox vs. Melina

I almost typed Women’s Title there. I’ve got to get my head in the game. I think at least two or three of the girls on the outside aren’t from this show. Did they think I wouldn’t notice?! Well…They’re pretty much right, actually. Mostly because I have no idea which ones aren’t Except, Michelle McCool, of course, but she’s there because she’s contractually obligated to follow Taker around. Melina with…her move (That’s her move!) for the win. After the match, the girls start fighting, of course. Can’t they control themselves for one night? Geez.


Hey! It’s Piper’s Pit. Michael Cole can’t control himself and immediately starts talking about how WWE somehow bamboozled USA into giving them a new contract. I’m ignoring it though, because I’m trying to think if they have any Samoans still on roster that Piper could hit. I don’t think they do!

Roddy Piper: Get that camera out of the ring! I’m old and I’m gonna be pacing and rambling until somebody comes out here to stop me. You know, I don’t know why Hogan didn’t invite me on his tour of Australia. I’m a bigger name than 90% of those guys and I’m a better wrestler even though I don’t have any hips and you remember when I was on that HBO show and said that we all did steroids and Vince McMahon, oh now there’s a guy who has the sickness, Vince I know you’re backstage and I have something to ramble on about to you so I want you to come out here and tell me why there’s no more mayonnaise in my fridge, I’m pretty sure I bought some last week when I went shopping for cantaloupes, which until that time I thought was a little deer from Afric-

Vince McMahon: What…the hell is going on out here? I can’t believe I approved of you buying RAW. You look terrible, and not because you’ve been sick either. You dyed your hair weird and your knees man…that doesn’t look good. Hell, I look better than Triple H, Rock, and Steve Austin combined! If Jesus was a wrestler, I’d look better than him too!

St. Bartholomew: He was a wrestler, remember? He managed Carlito.

Vince: Who the hell are you?

St. Bart: Bartholomew, Son of Talemai. You…couldn’t get any better Apostles. Sorry, bro.

Vince: Anyway, the point is that I know you’re trying to goad me into fighting, but I won’t because I’m retired.

Piper: RETIRED?! That’s just another word for Cantaloupe!

Vince: …Huh?


Hey, look it’s Sheamus. No, I don’t care either. He’s sad because Jamie Noble retired and now nobody wants to talk to him, because pretty much everybody liked Jamie Noble more than Sheamus. So he does what every depressed heel in the history of our great sport has done for the last thirty years: Attacks WWE Timekeeper Mark Yeaton. That poor guy has been beaten up so many times, you guys. Jerry “” Lawler comes over because it’s time to start his twice annual random feud, and Sheamus takes him down with a Bicycle Kick. There it is! Finisher of Champions!


Seriously, though, Jerry? You’re going to waste your winter feud on Sheamus? Really? Matt Striker is on commentary now, and Cole bothers spending ten minutes explaining that Matt “just so happened to be at RAW tonight, what are the odds?” Come on, dude. We all know Matt Striker doesn’t watch RAW.



Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger

Well…way to ease Striker into commentary mode, I guess. You can tell he really misses calling Evan Bourne matches. I’m not sure why, but he does. Bourne goes for a backflip, but Swagger catches him and turns it into a power bomb, which is his move, for the win. That was only a minute or so long! Poor Matt Striker has been holding out this long for that?! Come on, guys! Somebody should be punished for this. Make Jack Swagger do some push-ups or something. Or…buy me a push-up. A strawberry one.

Backstage, Roddy Piper runs into Jo from Family Ties.


Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Vince McMahon
In a Street Fight

You knew this wasn’t going to happen, right?

Roddy Piper: I knew Vince wouldn’t show up, because he has the sickness and when I came out here tonight and laced up these boots, and put on this underwear and my skirt and I took a Viagra and combed my hair and brushed my teeth and turned on an old episode of Matlock and-

Randy Orton: Forsooths! Rocky Rookie Biker! It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and Holster of the WHO Girl’s Chocolatchip. And I couldn’t help but spear you out here wrangling on and on about nothing in testicular, and I wanted to wrangle too! Did you know Coffee Jobtown dumped paint on my crotch and ruiniered my NAFTA car?

Piper: Randy Orton, you know I loved you like a son because me and your dad were on the road together and then he bought some doughnuts one night and we decided to eat them with some coffee jobtown, but the hotel was all out of filters, and I laughted because “I came here to drink coffee and put in filters and we’re all out of fliters” so I started to eat without coffee and it was-

Orton: Do you like Caring Bears? It was my fortunate TV show when I was a children. My favorite one was Popple Snarf who had a bard and made out with Snarfette all the time because they were trying to get away from the evil forceps of Coda and the Coda Commandant. So they all rode off on their My Littlest Portlies.

Piper: FIVE YEARS LATER and I still can’t move my left knee because instead of getting a new knee put in, I had them put a whole bunch of pudding because I love pudding and I want to be called Ol’ Pudding Knees from now on because that was my name back in Mid South, Jerry Lawler used to call me Ol’ Pudding Knees because I wa-

Kofi Johnston runs out and kicks them both in the head to shut them up. Man, talk about your fourth tier celebrities. Kofi runs Orton down the stage, but Randy reverses field. Kofi’s about to fall over, but a plethora of referees come out to hold him up. They keep him upright just long enough that he’s able to gather himself and jump off onto Randy, through a table. That was stupid, pointless, and dangerous. Maybe he really is Shelton!


John Cena: Oh man! How in the world did I miss horrible celebrity night! You’d think I would be all over this! Ok…Ok…Um…Telly Savalas! Ernie Hudson in Ghostbusters! Um…Dirk Benedict. Amy Acker! Marvin Powell! That Dragon that lived under the stairs in The Munsters. Alfonso Ribeiro. The other guy from Chips. The entire cast of Step Up 2: The Streets. THE CHAMP IS HERE!


JeriShow vs. Degeneration X vs. John Cena and The Undertaker

Oh boy! Undertaker Druids! I love when they drag these guys out of mothballs. Especially when they’re played by the cast of Saved by the Bell: The College Years. Hi, Mr. Belding! An update on what songs are currently stuck in my head: The Ghostbusters theme, thanks to that last segment, and…for some reason, “Lady in Red” by Chris De Burgh. She’s dancing with me! Three members of the teams are in the ring at the same time. That’s not how this works, is it? HHH and Taker both attack Show, which is kind of a dick move, but they turn on each other pretty quickly. Then, about five minutes in, they realize that we’re already in the overrun, so it’s just a finisher-palooza. That’s His Move indeed. Cena finishes things off with an Attitude Adjustment on Hunter though. He’s so dumb. You NEVER win going into the PPV! Then Taker comes back in and hits him with the Tombstone. Which…I would too if John Cena was my partner. But I’m confused as to what that means for Survivor Series.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Who will Survive? Probably Not Sheamus. Randy Orton’s Team beats on Kofi Johnston’s team when they all accidently trip over Chris Tian’s flailing career. Also, the final, epic showdown between DX and Hornswoggle. Er…I mean John Cena. John Cena and Hornswoggle. Wait….


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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