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RAW SATIRE    
NOBODY Expects Evan Bourne

December 3, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Jesse Ventura talked for what seemed like THREE HOURS. Also, Randy Orton successfully pretended like he’d never even had a WWE Title Shot, not that anybody was really checking. And Sheamus. Oh, God. There was Sheamus. More…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Here’s JeriShow who basically look downtrodden by the knowledge that they have to basically carry WWE Another Gimmick PPV by themselves in a loss to DX. In a TLC match, no less, which you can tell Show is thrilled with.

Big Show: Sorry, I wasn’t here last week, but I wasn’t going to show up for that crap. What’d I miss?


Chris Jericho: Well, I guess I accidentally got us booked in a TLC match? Against DX? Sorry about that.

Show: I am less than thrilled with that news.

Jericho: DX is a bunch of jerks feuding with a midget! Why do fans even care about them?! This is the worst feud ever and we’re the best tag team ever. I don’t get it.

Show: It’s Triple H and Shawn Michaels. Man that’s just how it’s going to go.

Triple H: Yeah, pretty much. Hey, Shawn, you know what’s stupid? The tag team titles! Laaaame.

Shawn Michaels: Hunter, we’re fighting for the tag titles at WWE Another Gimmick PPV.

HHH: Really?! What the hell are we doing that for?

Shawn: Er…But most importantly we’re fighting to make sure that Chris Jericho lives up to his promise of never appearing on RAW again.

HHH: How would winning stop him?

Jericho: I’m a Smackdown guy…remember?

HHH: ….

Show: It’s stupid. Just forget we said anything.

HHH: I already forgot what this segment is about. C’mon, Shawn, let’s go feud with some midgets.

Shawn: Chris, after we beat you and send you back to Smackdown, take me with you. Please?

Jericho: Um…no. Besides, I don’t know why everybody thinks we’re going to lose, Show and I have been tag champions since these belts were put together!

Edge: That’s not how I remember it.

HHH: Get out of here, ring rat. Hey, Chris, if you can beat me tonight, I’ll give you a handicap match.

Jericho: I’m never going to beat you, Hunter.

HHH: Heh.

(ads)

Melina and Gail Kim vs. Maryse and Jillian Hall

Listing them like that makes them look like couples. Maryse Hall is a pretty terrible name though, and let’s face it, Maryse could do better than Jillian. One thing Maryse can’t do: Cut a promo in English. It’s been what, three years now? Get on the ball, lady. You know, I used to like Verne Troyer too. Why’d he have to foist a women’s match on me? Doesn’t he know it’s the week after my birthday? Wow, Melina really hasn’t gotten any better since back when her only move was an entrance, has she? Yikes. Maryse wins with a French Horn. That’s Her Move!

(ads)

Sheamus vs. Santino Marella

I…honestly think that Mini-Me is out to get me here. And what better way to get people to take Sheamus seriously as a World Title opponent? A match with Santino Marella. Was Kung Funaki busy? Santino gamely attempts to make his Italian stereotypes more overt than Sheamus’ Irish stereotypes, but the ship has pretty much sailed on. Bicycle Kick! The Finisher of Champions! Razor’s Edge! The finisher of…Scott Hall! Sheamus gets tired of all this noise and just tosses Santino through a table. For the loss. Well…We’ve still got a few more shows between here and Another Gimmick PPV to build this guy up as a…oh never mind.

Backstage, Jericho and Show are trying to get an audience with Verne Troyer, but he’s too busy screaming at his agent for booking him for this crappy ass show. And yes, short people next to tall people is still hilarious.

(ads)

And now Verne is in the ring.

Verne Troyer: This place is just as crappy as Chyna told me when we were living together. Remember that? No? Nobody? Ok. Whatever. Anyway, Seth Green and I got together a couple weeks ago for our annual plea to Mike Myers to make another Austin Powers movie, and he told me he bought this show and sold it for a sweet pair of headphones. I’m a practical man, so I called up Jesse Ventura and offered him ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS (Mwahahaha) for RAW, and before I knew it…I owned a wrestling show. What the hell was I thinking? I guess I enjoyed visiting backstage at SummerFest. I got along with everybody but Miz, because he’s a jerk.

The Miz: HA! That’s where you’re wrong, little man! Because I wasn’t even at SummerFest! I was banned from the building! In your face, attempt at making a storyline.

Troyer: Wait…really?! Then who the hell was that that was being such a jerk to me?

Backstage….

Evan Bourne: Hahaha! Nobody expects Evan Bourne!

In the ring….

Troyer: Whatever. You’re going to get beaten up by Mark Henry.

Miz: Do you think you could pull some strings and get me my own VH1 show?

Troyer: No.

Mark Henry: This is pretty much the best start to a feud for me ever.

(ads)

Kofi Johnston vs. Randy Orton

This should be an easy win for Orton over the no-name Johnston. But here comes The Lemony anyway to take out Kofi. First Cody shoving him down the ramp, then Ted kicking him in the knee. That seems to be a little much for some jobber. Shelton would’ve seen those attacks coming. Orton comes out, because, technically the match hasn’t started yet, and while Kofi puts up a few offensive moves (2), eventually he falls over. Orton wins! Cody Rhodes is so happy for some reason! That kind of makes me happy.

(ads)

Backstage, Verne Troyer and MVP (Midget Valuables Protector) are arguing over who the best Dragon Age character is (Hint: It’s the dog) while Jillian Hall sings “Muppet Bohemian Rhapsody.” Mark Henry comes in and accidentally falls over on top of them, crushing them all. Orton wins again! This is still the best start to any feud he’s ever had.

Elsewhere, John Cena has finally decided to show up. Well how nice!

(ads)

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YOOO! YOOOOO!

Who the hell is Sheamus?
Some Irish dude?
Got hair like Carrot Top
And Finlay’s gimmick too!

Well, I’m John Cena!
No way he ever beats me.
Ain’t afraid of his kick,
He can’t even see me!

So at Another Gimmick show,
I’m poppin’ like Max Headroom,
It’s a Tables Match,
For you to use the bathroom!

The best we have is Sheamus?!
Then I have nothing to fear!
See you next month, Santino,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Santino?! You’d give that worthless crap for brains a title shot over me?!

Cena: Woah. This is…unexpected. Yeah. Sorry, man. I forgot you were even on this show.

Carlito: That makes three million of us. What do I have to do? Get Jesus to stab you again?!

Jesus: Yeah, about that. It turns out “Thou Shalt Not Murder.” I’m pretty sure I even wrote that one. Guess I just forgot. My bad.

Carlito: Whatever. I just hope you lose. Nobody likes you. Nobody likes your matches. I would rather see Tha Trademarc out here with the title than you, John Cena.

Cena: YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW!

Carlito: Make me!

So Cena gives him an FU. What a jerk. Sheamus comes out because Carlito and he are buddies all of the sudden, but not enough to, you know, actually do anything but stare at the ring for a couple seconds and then leave.

(ads)

Verne Troyer wheels on out to the ring again, with Mark Henry and MVP in tow. John Cena’s segment has given MVP an idea on how to jump start Henry’s burgeoning feud with Miz. Beating up Carlito? Oh…No. Not that!

Mark Henry: Yo. Yo. Yo?

I’m Mark Henry
The master of beats,
I’m the fat guy…
Who likes to eat beats?

I’ve got a big beard,
And my toes are all hairy.
My favorite Truman,
Was that one guy Harry.

I don’t think this is working,
Can you please stop the track,
I’m not much of a rapper,
Even if I’m black!

Hey, that last one rhymed!

(ads)

Mark Henry (w/ MVP) vs. The Miz

Sadly, this is still the best angle Mark’s ever been involved in. Cole is really trying to sell this as a big match for Mizzark. Somewhere, Tony Atlas is rolling over in his grave. Then again, Miz has had at least two or three decent feuds in WWE, which puts him two or three up on Henry. Miz tries to scale Mark’s beard, but he gets caught with a World’s Strongest Slam for the win. After the match, Verne calls out Kelly Kelly Kelly, Eve Torres, and (of course) The Bella Twins to celebrate whoever’s win over that other guy. Who cares? If I owned RAW I’d have a dance party in the ring too. Screw you, matches!

(ads)

Backstage….

Shawn Michaels: Hey, Hunter, didn’t we film an elaborate courtroom drama about how much we hate midgets this morning?

Triple H: Haha…Um…Now Shawn…are you sure you didn’t just dream that?

Shawn: Nope. I’m pretty sure we hired the legendary Judge Wapnercito to preside. And the jury was that Mini-Spirit squad we beat up that one time. And our only character witness was Super Porky. But his testimony was thrown out after he got ham drippings all over the record.

HHH: None of that happened, Shawn, because that would make people really upset with us, and we’re supposed to be faces. Nope. We love little people. Some of my best friends are little people!

Shawn: Oh yeah? Name one.

HHH: Er…Does Ultimo Dragon count?

Shawn: Everybody knows that was just you in a mask.

HHH: Really?! Wow. Ok. Um…X-Pac!

Shawn: Damn! Foiled again.

Hornswoggle: Gnaxaakdar Bmphx Uaelllahpbl! (Translation: I have no idea when or why I suddenly got my own language and subtitles)

Verne Troyer: This is the last time I ever listen to Seth Green. God.

Chris Jericho (w/ The Big Show) vs. Triple H (w/ Shawn Michaels)
In a Winner Gets a Handicap Match with the Losers Match

Intrinsically, shouldn’t that be the exact opposite? I mean, if a guy can’t beat another guy one-on-one then he certainly can’t two-on-one. Yes, I realize that it’s supposed to be a punishment, but it still doesn’t seem very fair. Especially when Jericho is something like 0-251 against Hunter. Does Jericho have a winning record over anyone in WWE right now? Jimmy Wang Yang…maybe? Even that’s pretty dicey, because I can’t remember how the Jung Dragons did against Jericho back in WCW. Why am I even trying?!

(ads)

I can’t find an instance where Jericho even wrestled Jimmy Yang, so at best he’s 0-0 with him. Aw. So Shawn’s on commentary for this match, and trying his hardest not to do or say anything remotely related. Big Show’s pretty much limited to wandering around outside the ring and wondering if it was worth taking the day off from his movie to do this. Here’s a hint, big guy: It wasn’t. Show finally gets sick of all the nonsense and decks Hunter, drawing a strong reprimand from WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda. Then, Shawn Superkicks Jericho, which will no doubt lead to a strongly worded letter. Hunter and Jericho proceed to go through a Finisher Fest until Hunter finally nails the Pedigree for the win. 0-252!

Triple H: Chris Jericho, we’re finally kicking you off of RAW. And if you’re not down with that, we’ve got two words for ya!

Shawn Michaels: Midget Court!

HHH: *sigh*

Next Week: If Chris Jericho can’t beat Triple H by himself, certainly he can beat Triple H AND Shawn Michaels. Also, Mark Cuban trades the entire roster for an obscure Latvian wrestler with a feint lisp but a great jump shot. Also, Mark Henry rapping about Sheamus.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
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PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
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RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
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RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
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RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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