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RAW SATIRE    
Pretty Fly For White Guys...

December 10, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Verne Troyer was a gigantic Austin Powers joke that never ended. Also, Sheamus, Sheamus, and more Sheamus. And Triple H beat Chris Jericho. Will the wonders never cease…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

 
Here’s Mark Cuban, who got RAW in exchange for giving Verne his own show on NBA TV. Mr. Troyer has immediately become the foremost NBA expert on that channel. Anyway, Mark is going to own RAW from the front row, just like he’s at a basketball game! Isn’t that novel and hilarious? WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan does not look like he approves.
 

Mark Cuban: Owning RAW is almost as much of a disappointment as the Cubs would’ve been!

John Cena vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool

I can’t tell if this match has any continuity in it, because it’s clearly being booked from last week, not their awful U.S. Title feud from a few years ago. My new game is seeing how long the Bella Twins can last at ringside with Cuban, being forced to watch the whole show. Sheamus comes out, because what would RAW be without Sheamus? Cuban jumps over the railing to stop him, but is immediately pummeled by a security guard who hasn’t been paying attention. This distracts Sheamus long enough for Cena to beat Carlito and then run off. Match of the night so far.

(ads)

Hey! It’s The Lemony! It’s a CODY RHODES INTERVIEW ALERT~!

Randy Orton: Mork Clueless! You art my flavorite baseketball owner! The Dapper Masterkicks are going to win the NFL Play golfs this sea’s end!

Ted DiBiase: That’s not what you said when you made him fall over back in 2003.

Orton: What are you Mr. Constituency all the sudden?

Mark Cuban: Guys, guys, nobody cares what either of you have to say. Yes, Randy attacked me in 2003, but who cares? I’ve got a lot in common with him. We’re both rich and have terrible hair cuts, for example. But I’m not giving you a title shot, nobody wants that.

Cody Rhodes: YOUR MOM!

DiBiase: Cody…that’s not really much of an insult.

Cuban: HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER?! It’s on now, Cody Rhodes.

(ads)

The Lemony vs. Evan Bourne and Primo Colon

Evan and Primo. Really? Not only does this tag team not make any sense, but it’s not really much of a punishment. Unless Mark doesn’t really care for his mother. Evan and Primo are both wearing black armbands in support of Eddie “Umaga/Jamal” Fatu, who tragically died at the same time as WWE Legend Totally Not Jamal. May both men rest in piece. Apparently, these guys have wrestled each other before? On some show called Superstars? I have no idea what any of that means. DiBiase with his move (That’s His Move) for the win. Mark Cuban then takes the liberty of throwing Lemony out of the arena, like they were Mark Cuban or something.

(ads)

Maryse vs. Gail Kim

Kelly Kelly Kelly is the world’s most attractive and worst ring announcer. It’s good to see Maryse again too. Not in the ring, of course, but still. Gail is in control for a good portion of the match, such as it is, but Maryse catches her with a roll-up (The Official Finisher of the Divas Title) for the win. Poor Gail can’t buy a break, but at least she’s not wrestling Awesome Kong every week. Maryse goes after Kelly after the match, because she’s a jealous bitch, of course, but Melina runs out and puts an end to that, because the whole division has to be about HER. Women are so catty. Am I right guys? Man I’m glad no women read this site.

(ads)

Backstage….

Triple H: Hey, Shawn, do you want to film this television commercial about the Hulk Hogan DVD?

Shawn Michaels: Er…You do realize that he just joined the competition, right?

HHH: Whaaaat competition, Shawn? We’re the only game in town? Well, apart from The Game. Who is me. So I guess, I’m the only The Game in town.

Shawn: TNA, Hunter. You know? The other company? That terrible thing with Kurt Angle wrestling a guy who does backflips and Stevie Richards every week.

HHH: Never heard of it.

Shawn: Hey! I’ve got an idea. Instead of shilling the new Smackdown vs. RAW game or DX merchandise, let’s make up terrible wrestling innuendo! Like…I’d really like to pin her shoulders to the mat?

HHH: I’m going to…Have sex…in her vagina….

Shawn: No, you have to be just as stupid, but a little more subtle. Like…I’d like to slam her body! Or I’m gonna prance down her entrance ramp!

HHH: You know, Shawn, I think I’ve got it. But I’ve always been more of a tennis guy.

Shawn: As opposed to a wrestling guy.

HHH: I’m a deep and complex individual. Anyway, try this one on for size. I’m going to play tennis against her!

Shawn: I….

Hornswoggle: AAAAAAAAAAAGH! (Translation: I am in this segment!)

HHH: Who in the hell wrote this segment? This is awful. I’m not this juvenile, and there’s a midget in some counterfeit DX gear here!

Tough Enough Jessie: It’s not like I had any good actors to work with! WAAAAAAH!

HHH: HEY! I’ve got one! I’d like to serve her balls!

Shawn: ….

Then Hornswoggle climbs up a Christmas tree and steals Shawn’s hat.

Meanwhile, at ringside, Jerry “” Lawler and Michael Cole would like to thank England. For what? Crumpets? Bad teeth? I’m a Celebrity! Get Me Out of Here!? Oh no. It’s for Sheamus, isn’t it? Ugh.

(ads)

Randy Orton vs. Kofi Johnston
With Special Guest Referee Mark Cuban

If I were a fan of any NBA teams, I would think that Mark Cuban being a referee is hilarious. I don’t know why Cuban has any interest in helping a jobber like Kofi Johnston. Maybe it has something to do with Caribbean pride or something. That would certainly explain why the Colons got to wrestle tonight. But not some guy from Ghana. Speaking of which, Kofi goes for the Trouble in Suburban Ghana, but misses and falls over, but Cuban pretends that he didn’t see it, so Kofi rolls up Orton for the win. Afterwards, Cuban says that he can’t believe that anybody in WWE even remembered his feud with Randy Orton, and that the payoff was kind of lame.

Backstage, Mark Henry and MVP are wandering around. I hope they don’t start rapping again.

(ads)

Mark Henry vs. The Miz
For the WWE United States Title

Thankfully, Mark doesn’t do anything this week to prove that he’s “entertaining.” Well…I guess he attempts to wrestle. But we all know that’s not going to be entertaining. You know, I never remember that Miz is the U.S. Champion until I see him with the belt, and even then I’m not convinced. I don’t see the Bella Twins at ringside, so who had an hour in the pool? I guess I did…since I was the only one in there. I WIN! YES! I’m going to take my money and…do whatever I was going to do with it in the first place. Bet on pro-wrestling, I guess. Henry goes for the World’s Strongest Slam, but Miz counters with a DDT. Miz wins! Wow. Really?

Backstage, another fat guy walks with his skinny partner. Er…I mean…Jerishow.

(ads)

Mark Cuban is sitting with “Iron Chef Wrestling” Chris Masters now. Maybe he wants some Papaya Pizza. Or maybe Masters’ jump shot is better than I’d give him credit for.

Hornswoggle and Eve Torres vs. Chavo Guerrero and Jillian Hall

I don’t even know what the hell this match is all about. Is Eve even a wrestler? Horny couldn’t find Kelly or something? Sadly, Chavo and Jillian decline the opportunity to perform another duet. They were so good together last time! Eve manages to do…A summersault? For the win? I don’t know what just happened there. Chavo goes after Hornswoggle, but Masters jumps into the ring to stop him. Heh. Remember when this feud was the exact opposite of this. Like…a couple months ago? Has this really been going on that long?! The crowd is eating this up because everybody loves Iron Chef. Master hits Chavo over the head with a ladel and Hornswoggle celebrates by miming making a grilled cheese sandwich. The real winner here? Anybody who can do a summersault.

(ads)

In the ring….

Chris Jericho: This is really serious business, you guys. Next week is the Slammys, and if I don’t win again this year, I’m going to cry. And I’m going to win OMG Moment of the Year for the time I beat up that girl who tried to attack my car. And…Oh forget it. Let’s try out a new catchphrase. “I’m gonna beat you like an egg salad sandwich!” Do you think that’d fit on a T-shirt?

(ads)

Chris Jericho vs. Degeneration X
In a Handicap Match

Remember last week when Triple H beat Jericho for the 252nd time to set up this match? Well…get with the times. Neither Hunter nor Shawn has any issues with beating the hell out of Jericho, which is fun because they’re the faces. Remember kids, It’s ok to beat down another person 2-on-1 as long as you’re part of the 2. Big Show gets sick of this, comes out and punches a chair into Triple H’s face. Shawn tries to get a ladder, but Jericho intercepts him and he and Show collapse it onto both members of DX. JeriShow celebrates with the titles for about ten seconds, before suddenly realizing that they’ve basically just ensured they’re going to lose. So they frown and wander off.

Backstage, Sheamus and Cena are walking. Not together, of course. That would just be weird.

(ads)

And now it’s time for the Mark Cuban Comedy Hoedown!

Mark Cuban: Our first question is, “Why do you think you’ll win the WWE Title? Sheamus?

Sheamus: I don’t. I’m total filler until they figure out what they’re doing for Wrestlemania. Which they haven’t yet.

John Cena: What he said, except replace “I don’t” with “Hahahaha…Sheamus.”

Cuban: Um…Ok. So…Tables match. Am I right, guys?

Sheamus: Yes.

Cena: Yeah.

Cuban: That’s all I’ve got. I probably should’ve prepared better.

Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YOOO!

Been in the WWE,
For Seven damn Years,
Beaten up dudes,
Ending their careers!

I’ve held a bunch of titles,
I’ve main evented shows,
I got one thing to say,
This Pay Per View Blows!

I’ve taken on K-Fed,
HBK and Jesus.
Never been so embarrassed,
As to be taking on Sheamus!

I can’t believe it,
Worst match of my career,
At least I can still say,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Sheamus jumps over the table and hits Cena with a Bicycle Kick (The finisher of champions!). Cuban tries to pull him off, but gets Powerbombed through a table! Sheamus wants to be on SportsCenter! Maybe Jonathan Coachman will try to explain all this to Stewart Scott while looking ashamed and embarrassed. One can only hope!

Sheamus is eventually chased off by Shawn Marion and Tim Thomas, both of whom are laughing about seeing their boss get dropped on his head through a table, so that’s not particularly threatening. I guess Dirk Nowitski was too busy recording his next album with Mark Henry backstage.

Dirk Nowitski: I’m a white guy!

Mark Henry: And I’m black.

Dirk: I’m from Germany!

Henry: Neither one of us can rap.

Dirk: Word to your mother in law.

Next Week: Dennis Miller hosts the 947th Annual Slammy Awards. Expect a lot of weird comparisons between Chris Jericho and Sun-Tzu for no reason. Also, Sheamus celebrates his WWE Spinnin’ Title win by throwing Bicycle Kicking the entire roster. And Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters completes the weirdest face turn of all time by using his pecs to help old ladies cross the street.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
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RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
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RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


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