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RAW SATIRE    
Like Ghengis Khan at an Iranian Clambake

December 18, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Night: Degeneration X proved that they are indeed Triple H and Shawn Michaels in winning the WWE Tag Team Titles. Also, Randy Orton beat up some jobber. And…Oh…what the hell. Sheamus? Really guys? TONIGHT!
 
(Opening Credits)
 
Three Hours? The Slammy’s? Dennis Miller?! UGH!
 
 
Dennis Miller: I feel like Ghengis Khan at a Iranian clambake here tonight. Man I don’t know about you, but I don’t know why I bought this show. Dennis Miller owning a wrestling show is like Jesus coming back in a Lexus convertible and running over the AFLAC Duck. Am I right? Heh. I guess my time on Monday Night Football should’ve taught me how to talk down to my audience. Hey guys! Statue penis. That’s hilarious, right?

Anyway, you’re stuck with me for the rest of the night, so let’s make like Dick Cheney and shoot each other in the face! I mean…Sarah Palin! Yeah. Whatever. Here’s two people.

R-Truth: What’s up? Hey, guys, do you think TNA is still hiring? Can you believe I used to be the champion there? Heh. What’s up?

Jillian Hall: I’ll tell you what’s up! The song “Whoop There It Is” by Tag Team taught us where things were, and “Who Let the Dogs Out” taught us about love. The Slammys teach us how to give out trophies to people who screwed up less than other people this year.

R-Truth: You did not just bring up those two songs just now.

Jillian: And the tag team of the year goes to…JERISHOW!

Chris Jericho: Really? Well. Whatever. I guess this is my last appearance on RAW for a while, so I just wanted to reiterate how much I hate this damn show and how glad I am to be back over on Smackdown where it’s serious business 100% of the time. Like…Undertaker will beat the hell out of you if he catches you wearing a T-shirt outside the arena. I’d like to thank Edge, but I don’t remember why.

Big Show: And I hope we retain the titles at whatever the next PPV is called.

Jericho: That was last night, man. And we lost.

Show: Oh. Well. Whatever then.

Hey! Matt Striker!

(ads)

William Regal, Vladamir Kozlov, and Ezekiel Jackson vs. Chris Tian, Kane, and The Great Khali

Oh thank God. I was running pretty low on Kane, so I could really have used a little more. I can see Zeke has come a long way from quoting Dr. Seuss with Spanky. I don’t mean that in a good way. I could say the same thing about Mr. Tian, but I won’t. That guy has suffered enough. I don’t really know what this match is about, so I’m just going to assume they’re fighting over a pair of fuzzy bunny slippers that Regal stole from Christian’s locker room last night. Khali nails Kozlov with a Karate chop for the win, because this match isn’t enough of a joke. Kane absconds with the slippers. I smell a feud brewing! Or possibly some coffee! COFFEE FEUD! Kane’s favorite!

Dennis Miller: That was…what it was. So before I get roasted faster than Annie Leibovitz at Disney’s Stars on Ice, here’s two more people.

Teddy Long: Holla Holla playa! It’s the award you’ve all been waiting for!

Tiffany: That’s right. Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical!

Teddy: Um…Breakthrough Superstar of the Year.

Tiffany: Best Kiss?

Teddy: And the winner is…Oh Christ…Sheamus.

Tiffany: For best kiss?! Whaaaaaat?!

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Whaaaaaat?!

Sean Cold Val Venis: No. I got fired. I’m not doing this anymore.

Sheamus: Wow. I-

Then the orchestra plays him off.

(ads)

Cody Rhodes vs. Kofi Johnston

Do we really have time for a dark match during RAW? Why not just run the ECW guys back out here while we’re at it. I don’t know who any of them are either. Kofi goes through all his offense like he’s Shelton or something, and then Ted DiBiase breaks up the match. For no apparent reason, Evan Bourne hits the ring to save Mr. Johnston from any further embarrassment. Dennis Miller comes out and compares this mess to Tiger Woods at the AVN awards, and restarts the match.

The Lem-

(ads)

The Lemony vs. Kofi Johnston and Evan Bourne

Dennis Miller is really testing my patience. I mean that both in general and in this specific instance. Well, at least we get a Cody Rhodes match for our troubles. How much longer is this show going to be? I’ve got things to do here. Like…knit a sweater. I’d probably rather be knitting a sweater than watching this match, I’m not going to lie. Evan Bourne gets the hot tag, and right there they’re not doing this right. Then again, I guess the alternative is World Class Jobber Kofi Johnston. Anyway, true to form, Evan gets in all three of his offensive moves, and still loses. Cross Rhodes. Lemony wins.

(ads)

Back on the stage now.

Dennis Miller: Time to lower myself to the lowest common denominator, hey folks? Just like Copernicus giving a dissertation on the revolutions of celestial spheres to a bunch of penguins. Except the penguins are better dressed! I kid. I kid. Here’s two more people.

Santino Marella: Vickie-a Guerrero! Isn’t it-a perfect that-a we’re out here-a to give-a the Slammy for best-a kiss? I’ve-a been thinking-a about pucking-a up all night-a!

Vickie Guerrero: This Slammy is for most shocking moment, Santino.

Santino: It will-a be a shock-a when I kiss-a you and manage-a to stay alive-a!

Vickie: Shut up. The winner is CM Punk for making Jeff Hardy take a sack full of drugs and get arrested to prove his point about being Straight Edge.

(ads)

Phew, we missed the Punk promo. Oh…wait.

CM Punk: Thought you could escape without a CM Punk promo, did you? Haha! I did not lose to R-Truth for that, suckers. Nope. I’m going to talk all about how awesome I am, and how cool not doing drugs is and…um….Festus….

CM Punk vs. John Cena
In a Superstar of the Year Qualifying Match

This is an interesting way to determine Superstar of the Year. It’s like…WWE’s own BCS Playoff. You know, I don’t know if I’ve ever talked about it here, but I’ve always thought it was funny how heel CM Punk is kind of like the anti-Hogan. It’s like…Take a bunch of drugs, kids, or you’ll never be successful enough to be a straight arrow like CM Punk. “You can’t tell me not to snort crack off my empty whisky bottle, DAD!” What is the opposite of Straight Edge anyway? Curved Interior? I’ve gone a whole paragraph and not made fun of John Cena. And he won!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO! YO! YO!

I…lost to Sheamus.
I can’t rap.
Seriously guys.
Stop the music.

This is so depressing.

Cena runs off in tears. Mark Henry gives him some polite applause.

(ads)

Here we go again.

Dennis Miller: How about a hand for the WWE guys who go over and wrestle the troops, huh? How about them? You know who would be great at fining Osama Bin Laden? Barry Windham. Anyway, I’m happy to introduce the one guy here who I actually do know. The Big Show…Triple H!

Triple H: Norm Macdonald everybody! I don’t care what anybody says, Hardees is a classy place, man. Anyway, I’m out here to announce the winner of Match of the Year, and given that there was only one good match this year, I think we all know what it’s going to be! The winner is…Melina and Cryme Tyme vs. Dolph Ziggler, Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix (w/ Rosa Mendes) from the February 23rd edition of RAW?!

Santino Marella: That’s-a right! What a match-a it was-a too, the impact-a is still being-a felt today-a!

HHH: I don’t get it.

Shawn Michaels: My money was on MVP vs. Cody Rhodes from May. Hey, do you think it’s appropriate if I challenge Undertaker to a match at Wrestlemania here?

HHH: Nope.

Michaels: Alrighty then.

(ads)

The Undertaker vs. Randy Orton
In a Superstar of the Year Qualifying Match

Yeah, these four are your Superstar of the Year candidates. I wonder if Yoshi Tatsu was busy or something. That joke just made me miss Shannon Moore for some reason. Undertaker doesn’t seem to have any clue that Shawn Michaels just not challenged him. It’s almost like these guys don’t even watch this show. The Lemony wander out and Taker is so transfixed by the idea of beating the crap out of Cody Rhodes that he forgets what he’s doing and wanders out of the ring, where he trips over Dennis Miller’s tears and falls over. Orton wins!

Earlier tonight, Tough Enough Jessie hosted the Scientific and Technical Slammy Awards, where Jimmy Wang Yang won a Slammy for his work in applied plasma physics. Then Tough Enough Jessie stormed off the stage in tears. Better luck next year, hon!

(ads)

Back to the show….

Dennis Miller: You guys should see the catering table back there. I think that General Tso’s chicken was cooked by the real General Tso. I’m not saying it’s old or anything, just that it might have witnessed the birth of Mae Young. Anyway, here’s Vince.

Vince McMahon: What’s the matter, Dennis? You don’t like the jokes I wrote for you?

Dennis: Saying “Suck on my apples” while squirting baby oil on my nipples doesn’t really appeal to me, no.

Vince: Stephanie liked it. Anyway, the winner of Owner of the Year is Bob Barker. Unfortunately, Bob couldn’t be with us tonight, but he sent us this nice pre-taped message. From Heeeeeeeeeell. Er…I mean, wherever.

From his home in scenic wherever….

Bob Barker: There’s nothing in my career I regret more than buying Monday Night RAW. Thanks for reminding me.

Back on the stage.

Vince: Well that sucked. So who are you going to sell it to Dennis? Sarah Palin? Joe Leiberman? One of the Bush Twins?

Dennis: Probably Bret Hart. Wouldn’t that be hilarious?

Vince: No. That would be really awkward for everybody involved. Trust me.

Dennis: No more awkward than Dick Cheney in a speedo trying out his new stripper routine in your garage.

Vince: Now that’s a concept I can promote!

(ads)

Backstage, Dennis Miller and Chris Jericho are having a slap fight over Jericho’s Slammy. Much to Miller’s chagrin, it is not, in fact, made of chocolate. Jericho bails on the segment so he can take part in…..

JeriShow vs. Degeneration X
For the WWE Unified Tag Team Titles

Lest you’d forgotten, Hornswoggle is still trying to sue DX. I can only hope that one or more of them gets suspended before that can happen. Not that I’d wish a suspension on anyone. Hope, but never wish. Anyway, Hunter and Shawn take turns picking on the ref, and that’s good enough for the DQ, ending the match in a couple seconds, and making me seriously question why I was writing anything down here in the first place. Anyway, Hunter and Shawn call down a group of guys to escort Jericho out of the building. Namely, R-Truth, Chris Tian, Cryme Tyme, Suga Shane Helms, Shelton Benjamin, Primo Colon, and, for some reason, Finlay in DX gear. Because nothing says Degenerate like an old drunk Irishman. Actually…Nothing does say Degenerate like an old drunk Irishman, but I don’t think that’s the vibe we’re going for here. Despite his pleas to his old buddy Christian, Jericho is shoved out the door and off of RAW forever (or for two months, whichever comes first). Tian’s just on a high from getting to wear a main event shirt for once.

(ads)

Here’s…Carlito. I guess he’s better than Dennis Miller.

Carlito Caribbean Cool: This next award is for “Extreme Moment” of the Year. It’s awarded to the Superstar or Superstars who did the craziest move or stunt in 2009, even though it’s not over yet. One thing’s for sure, it won’t go to a wrestler in ECW! Ha Ha Ha. Eve Torres, hey, Carlito what’s the most extreme move you…Oh, I think that’s you.

Eve Torres: Hey, Carlito, what’s the most extreme move you’ve ever done?

Carlito: Having the Son of God stab a guy.

“Iron Chef Wrestling” Chris Masters: All this talk is making me hungry. Who wants to see me flex my pecs? Masters flexes his pecs whether or not the crowd responds with cheers.

Carlito: And the Slammy Goes to….

Eve: Jeff Hardy!

Masters: Jeff is in prison tonight, so we’ll be accepting this award on his behalf.

Carlito: I’d like to thank the makers of Dragon Age, Big Philly - Papa loves you boo, my homeboys down in the PR, my dawg Taylor Swift, um…Jesus, of course, my best friend.

Matt Hardy: Guys, I’m right here. I could accept this award.

Eve: You’re not even as cool as Jeff when he’s rotting away in the clink.

Matt: Aww.

Carlito throws the Slammy at Matt, but Masters intercepts it and runs off to make a chocolate pudding cake out of its innards. I guess nobody told him. Matt shrugs and throws Eve at Carlito and takes off.

(ads)

Hey, The Marine 2. Ted DiBiase somehow manages to make John Cena look like a good actor! Your keys are on the thingie, Ted!

The Miz, Zack Ryder, and Drew McIntyre vs. John Morrison, Yoshi Tatsu, and Mark Henry

Zack Ryder is still alive?! Really?! Holy crap. I was just…never wondering what ever happened to that guy. Ever. EVER! Sadly for Team Heels, Mark Henry is the total combined weight of everybody else in the ring. I don’t care if the other side does have all the belts. And…Zack Ryder for some reason. I have to say, Drew McIntyre dances a lot less than I thought he would have. And Yoshi Tatsu a lot more. Maybe they should switch names. Yoshi wins it by kicking Zach in the head like a little dancing Tajiri.

Backstage…Oh no….

(ads)

The Heel Divas vs. The Face Divas

If you think I’m going to write them all out during a three hour show, you’re nuts. The girls are all wearing dresses which seams pretty damn counterproductive. Except Mickie, of course, who is wearing sack cloth and a frown, because apparently we’re supposed to believe she’s poor and ugly now or something. At least she is still a good wrestler, because she hits a DDT for the win. I don’t think Layla even made it into the ring yet. That only took about ten seconds. I guess that’s not as bad as I feared.

Montel Vontavious Porter: Hey, I’m just in time to announce the Diva of the Year too!

Goldust: And the winner of Diva of the Year is…Me. Thank you. I’m really honored by this award, and I will do my best to represent the Divas in the coming year.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I got SCREWED! I should be Diva of the YEAR! Woooo BEER!

(ads)

Dennis Miller: This show is moving slower than an old lady with a walker through a river of molasses. I don’t think the salting of Carthage took this long. And now, to further extend our agony, here’s three more people.

Tony Atlas: Hahaha! My career has become a joke, but I’m making more money than you! Haha!

Big Dick Johnson: I don’t understand why I’m supposed to be presenting OMG moment of the year. So I’m going to go ahead and go play in a pool of baby oil. Later.

Abraham Washington: This is the first and probably last time you’ll see me on Monday Night RAW, so I’m just going to go ahead and get this over with. The winner is, Michael Cole throwing up. Really? Whatever.

Atlas: HAHAHA! You’re hilarious, Abraham.

Johnson: Does anybody have any baby oil I can borrow?

Michael Cole: I’m more happy than a man should be that I won an award for throwing up. My thanks to Jim Ross for letting me steal his job, and Chris Jericho for being thrown up on. I’m Michael Cole, and I’m awesome.

Miller: That was about all I could handle. I’m going to sell this thing to the first person to call me with an offer. Try the veal and don’t forget to tip your waitress.

(ads)

In a heartwarming Christmas scene, Triple H accidentally steps on Shawn Michaels’ toys, so they sit down and share a cup of egg nog and roast chestnuts on the open fire. They both agree that chestnuts taste horrible, and that an open fire in an arena isn’t such a good idea. Kane disagrees. Hornswoggle comes by to drop off presents for the boys (WWE Shop Giftcards, for the friend who has literally everything else). Offended by this show of goodwill, DX attacks, somehow ending up with Hunter nailing Shawn in the face with a lifesize inflatable Frosty, and Hornswoggle riding away on a reindeer. The segment ends with Shawn crying about how none of this has to do with the birth of Christ.

Rand-

(ads)

Randy Orton vs. John Cena
For Superstar of the Year

They’re both from RAW?! You don’t say! You’ll remember that, during this three hour long damn show, both men qualified by beating Smackdown guys in about two minutes combined. Which included The Lemony faking out Undertaker and John Cena pretty much beating the crap out of CM Punk. Cena and Orton trade no-selling each other’s offense for a couple minutes, before Orton drags Cena out and DDTs him onto the floor. Well, that’s the end of that. Except it isn’t and Cena hits the Attitude Adjustement for the win not five seconds later, and starts dancing around. That’s exactly how I’d react if my head just hit the floor, actually. Sheamus looks on, and he’s not impressed. After all, he’s Sheamus. And he’s the friggin’ Spinnin’ champion for some reason.

Next Week: The New York Yankees host RAW causing pro-bowling superstar Rick Scaia to have a fit of pleasure. Also, Christmas Time on RAW means that Vince McMahon will finally learn the meaning of Christmas and give Tiny Hornswoggle the Christmas bird he deserves. And Goddamn Sheamus, World Champion.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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