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RAW SATIRE    
Santas Love Johnny Damon!

December 26, 2009

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: It was the Slammys, which meant Dennis Miller being boring for nine hours. Also, Sheamus Watch 2009 continued unabated. And finally, Chris Jericho was finally kicked off RAW FOREVER! Or at least until…TONIGHT! 
 

(Opening Credits)

Aw, man, they finally took Hogan and Foley out of those. I was hoping they’d never notice! I don’t know why they replaced Foley with prison inmate Jeff Hardy and Hogan’s “Hulkamania Is Running Wild” with a sound byte of Cody Rhodes saying, “Hey guys, can I borrow a dollar?” though.

Here’s Johnny Damon, and nobody likes him. Poor Johnny Damon. I think it all started when he shaved off the Jesus beard. I mean, yeah, it’s partly the Yankees, who are a blight on Major League Baseball, but mostly because he lost the beard.

Johnny Damon: Hi. I am Johnny Damon. I play baseball. I…like…baseball thing. Merry Christmas. Tonight, a guy will get a thing. Ok. Bye!

Suddenly, a man dressed in a Tiger costume is being chased by Tough Enough Jessie. I believe this is the very moment that Tommy Dreamer’s heart broke, and he finally did not love wrestling any more. Of all the deaths in Hollywood this year, Tommy Dreamer’s love of professional wrestling is the one I will mourn the most. I mean…I don’t even know what the hell that was supposed to be about. They…finally got around to watching the news from last month?

I guess?

Melina, Kelly Kelly Kelly and Gail Kim vs. Jillian Hall, Alicia Fox, and Maryse

Good to see they’re getting some good use of the Slutty Santa costumes this year. Those things aren’t cheap. Not that I would…know. Things are pretty generic for a while, until Kelly tags in and things start getting Crazy Go Nuts. And by Crazy Go Nuts, I mean all six women kind of mill around the ring at once for a while, and then Melina dropkicks Kelly into Maryse for the win. I think she’s found the secret to beating Maryse. Kelly is like the chair to Melina’s Rob Van Dam. And I guess that makes Gail Fonzie. Heh.

(ads)

Oh boy, Little People’s court. Good to see they didn’t forget about this. Oh wait. No it isn’t.

Shawn Michaels: I thought we forgot about this.

Triple H: Yeah, but Johnny Damon is hosting tonight, and I don’t know if you’ve ever met him but his segments are going to be…short.

Shawn: Just like our opponents today in court!

HHH: Hahaha!

Shawn: Hahaha!

HHH: Seriously though, he’s terrible. Anyway, what do you suppose we’re going to find when we go under the ring?

Shawn: I hope it’s Narnia!!

They slide under the ring, and when they get all the way under there, they find themselves in…A basement.

HHH: That’s disappointing.

Kane: You’re telling me!

Shawn: Kane, why are you hiding in the basement under the ring?!

Kane: Guy’s gotta live somewhere, right? The living tax in Parts Unknown is horrible right now. Where do you think those ladders, stop signs and tables come from under the ring all the time anyway? I put them there. It’s this basement’s biggest export!

HHH: So wait, does the basement travel with the ring? Because this show is in a different place every week!

Kane: It’s best if you just don’t think about it. Anyway, the Little People’s Court is that way.

They even have a Little Doug Llewelyn. Ok, that’s kind of cute. The Baliff calls things to order by hitting Hunter and Shawn in the knees with a tiny nightstick. Aw.

Judge Wapner-cito: Order in the court!

Shawn: I’ll take a Big Mac extra value meal!

HHH: Do you guys have any McRibs?

Wapner-cito: Degeneration X, you could be brought here on trial for any one of about a billion different crimes you’ve committed over the past year, but mostly you’re just here because you’re picking on a midget. How do you plead?

Shawn: I usually fold the fabric into thirds, and then make a nice waving pattern with my sewing machine.

HHH: It’s really nice.

Wapner-cito: PLEAD! How do you PLEAD?!

HHH: Like, “I’m soooo sorry, Stephanie! I totally forgot that Aurora Borealis was in that shark tank!”

Shawn: I just usually kneel down and cry a lot.

Wapner-cito: I can’t believe it, but I’m literally the least stupid part of this segment.

Hornswoggle: AAAAAAAAAARGH!

Shawn: We did not call you fat!

(ads)

The Lemony vs. Kofi Johnston, Evan Bourne, and Mark Henry

I love how they sort of just gratuitously tacked Henry onto this match. Like, whelp, we’re one short, who else do we have backstage? I’m a little impressed that Mark’s not dressed as Santa tonight. That must’ve sapped all Vince’s willpower not to pull the trigger on that. Henry pretty much blows Cody out of the water for the first minute, but he quickly tags out to Kofi, because he’s an idiot. I mean, I like the jobber, but he’s no Shelton. Kofi gets the crap kicked out of him, of course.

(ads)

For some (admittedly hilarious) reason, Evan Bourne is the one who gets the hot tag coming out of the break. Yes, that Evan Bourne. The one that’s even smaller than Cody Rhodes. Bourne even gets some offense in before the Lemony realizes how stupid that is and curb stomps him for an hour. Evan finally gets a couple kicks in, though, and makes the hot tag to Kofi. What the hell ever happened to Mark Henry? Didn’t he used to be in this match? Kofi with the Trouble in Suburban Ghana on DiBiase for the win. Way to promote The Marine 2, dudes.

Backstage….

The Bella Twins: We’re going to get egg nog. Bye, Johnny.

Johnny Damon: I’m weirdly turned on and scared by that.

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Who wants to put tinsel in Carlito’s hair? I’ll even let you put a Partridge in there? Eve do you want to get in on this action?

Eve Torres: I do not have a speaking part in this storyline.

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters: Hey Carlito, can I use your hair to stage and dry all these Key Lime Christmas Cookies I’ve been slaving over?

Carlito: Get your pecs and your gross cookies away from me, man.

Sgt. Santa: ATTEN HUT! EVERYBODY SHUT UP AND HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Damon: Why did I buy this show again?

Sgt. Santa: You’re pretty. Do you want to go back to the barracks and get not pregnant?

Damon: Ugh…You can’t be Santa anymore.

(ads)

Under the ring….

Beth Phoenix: OBJECTION! My clients couldn’t have punted that midget, they were training to perform shape shifting séances at the time!

Clarence Mason-cito: OBJECTION! That’s absurd!

Phoenix: HOLD IT! More absurd than there being a dimensional portal to a basement full of little people underneath a wrestling ring?

Mason-cito: I…uh…well….

Phoenix: No further questions, your honor.

Judge Wapner-cito: You weren’t questioning anyone….

Mason-cito: I object to the letter O! When you right it down it looks like a little butt, and I find that offensive.

Shawn Michaels: Oh my God, he’s right!

Triple H: Hillarious.

Wapner-cito: Honeysuckle, this is your case, do you have anything constructive to add?

Hornswoggle: AAAAAAAAH!

Wapner-cito: I thought not. My ruling is GUILTY! Of being the worse court segment on this show since that one time where Foley sued everybody. Now get out of here before I have Rusty-cito beat you all to death with his little nightstick.

Baliff Rusty-cito: I can do it too!

Doug Llewelyn-cito: So what did you guys learn from this case?

HHH: That we should never let my wife write angles for us?

Shawn: That underneath it all, Haphazard is just like us, only smaller. And he lives in a dimensional portal underneath the ring which leads to a basement where Kane makes pre-broken tables.

Kane: And I learned that I never should have invited those guys to live in my dimension, because now they set up a court and act like the run the place.

Wapner-cito: And I learned absolutely nothing. Sorry.

Hornswoggle: AHH!

Llewelyn-cito: Well, there you have it folks, in the case of the Juniors Division vs. DX, it looks like nobody came out a winner. Mostly because this was a terrible idea.

Super Porky: I’ve got the evidence that Hunter didn’t kill that hooker! Am I too late?

Llewely-cito: You’re always too late, fatty.

Then Super Porky eats a ham.

Elsewhere, John Cena appears lost. Turn left! Left! NO!!

(ads)

John Cena vs. Jack Swagger

Remember when this would’ve been a big deal main event? Ok, ok, just bear with me, remember when people actually would’ve watched this match instead of flipping over to see how horrible the Redskins are? Well…Ok…shut up. This is mostly just to set up me ranting about how far Jack Swagger has fallen in the past six months. You know what? I don’t even give a crap about Jack Swagger. In fact, you know what? Screw Jack Swagger. He’s getting what he deserves jobbing to everybody.

(ads)

Swagger’s actually got control of the match coming out of the break, which goes to show you that John Cena will sell for just about anybody. He lost the title to Sheamus, for Pete’s sake. Swagger breaks free of the FU, and power bombs Cena for two. They go back and forth like this for another hour or so. Man, this is a late contender for Match of the Year! It’s too bad they gave that award away in the middle of December for some reason. Who do they think they are? The Internet? Cena wins with an STF. Congratulations!

Backstage….

Johnny Damon: I don’t even watch wrestling. Who are these people?

Santy Rhodes: They gonna take a ride on tha mothaship if you wheeeeeel!

Damon: I don’t get it. Why does your costume have polka dots?

Santy Rhodes delivers a Bionic Elbow to Johnny Damon and grabs his sack.

Montel Vontavious Porter: I want a match against a Sheamus. Because seriously. Sheamus?

Damon: That sounds like a real “home run!” Get it? Because baseball?

Santy: Shut up. Somebody kiss me.

Then Santy makes out with his hand.

(ads)

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters (w/ Eve Torres)
In a Candy Cane Battle

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: The challenger has a bunch of candy canes stuck in his hair while the Iron Chef is making out with his assistant. I don’t think anybody’s going to win this battle.

Fukui: The real winners are the fans.

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Fukui-san, I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas.

Fukui: Thank you, Hatori-san. How…unusually generous of you.

Hatori: ‘Tis the season. Now take this sled and go outside and play. Your mother and I are going to practice flexing our pecs at each other.

Fukui: That’s really gross. In-

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Ugh. Go ahead.

Ohta: Merry Christmas, man.

Fukui: …Thank you.

(ads)

Backstage….

The Bella Twins: I thought Tiger Woods liked blondes.

That Tiger: Uh…Yeah, well I’m not a billionaire, so I don’t care.

Bellas: But the whole thing with him went down months ago. This is hardly topical.

Tiger: Look, we weren’t even going to bother with it, but then we found Eddie Guerrero’s old Tiger Mask costume in some closet and well…here we are.

Bellas: Well, just wanted you to know how lame this was.

The Miz: Yeah, I get twice as much play from waffle house managers as Tiger Woods anyway. Bernice, if you’re watching, Merry Christmas, sweetie. And Santa, while you’re here, can you get me some of them motorized hamsters? I can’t find them anywhere.

Irwin R. Santa: I…don’t even want to know what you’d want them for.

Miz: I’m going to sell them on eBay. Then I can become fake Tiger Woods rich!

IRSanta: Don’t forget to pay your taxes.

Miz: The real Santa doesn’t narc on people, Fake Santa.

Tiger Mask Woods gets chased off by that woman again. Sadly, for those two segments she probably made what I make in a year. Mae Young hobbles in and starts humping Johnny Damon for some reason.

Sergeant Slaughter: Oh come on! I called dibs!

(ads)

Timbaland?! If every wrestler doesn’t come out to slightly remixed music next week, I’m going to be so pissed.

Sheamus vs. Montel Vontavious Porter

Tonight, MVP stands for More Vegetables Please! MVP is suck a suck-up. Anyway, I hope Montel wins here because what would be pretty friggin’ hilarious. Instead, he gets in about two moves (a punch and then saying “Ballin’”) before Sheamus hits a Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions, literally, I guess) and the Razor’s Edge for the win. After the match, John Cena runs out and tries to steal all Sheamus’ TV time, but nobody cares about either guy, so the camera just fades out instead.

(ads)

Backstage….

Johnny Damon: This show is terrible, how can you put up with being associated with it?!

Tough Enough Jessie: It’s the only job where nobody cares if I cry! WAAAAAAAH!

Vince McMahon: Johnny Damon! If it isn’t a guy who plays baseball. How do you feel about owning RAW, champ?

Damon: I sold it for a guest spot on Timbaland’s next album. But honestly, I want a refund. This place blows goats.

Vince: I wouldn’t go so far as goats, Johnny. Alpacas, maybe…but goats?

Damon: You know what would get a lot of people to watch even though they know how much the show is going to suck? Bret Hart.

Vince: Do you even know who Brett Hart is? Who told you to say that?

Damon: I read about it on the Internet?

Vince: DAMN YOU, INTERNET!

The Miz vs. Santino Claus

Santino is probably the best Claus we’ve had all night. Though, I guess he’s not the highest ranked. He’s got a bag of toys though, which is pretty nice. I wonder if he’s got any cameras in there, because I’m dying for a new one. Santino’s going to keep the accoutrements on, which is probably not a good idea. This sort of reminds me thought that I was kind of wondering what happened to Balls Mahoney. That poor guy never did get a piece of Kelly Kelly Kelly. Miz with his move (That’s His Move!) for the win. Afterwards, he stomps the crap out of Santino’s bag. Hey! My camera! And maybe a snake!

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with The Big Show.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with the Big Show, and Show, I’ve got to ask you, why are you so mad?

Big Show: I NEED TO FIND THE REAL SANTA!

Mathews: Buddy, I hate to break it to you, but-

Show: But what, Josh? But what?

Mathews: I…don’t think he’s back here! Yeah. Try the ring, maybe?

(ads)

In the ring….

Big Show: Santa, if you’re really here tonight, will you please come out and grant me my wish?

Santa Claus: Hohoho…um…little boy! What can Santa do for you?

Show: I want a pony!

Santa: What do I look like a farmer? I don’t have any ponies. Are you sure you don’t want your partner Chris Jericho to come back to RAW?

Show: Hecks no! I want a goddamn pony!

Santa: Show! I thought we went over this! You were going to ask Santa for me to come back to RAW!

CHRIS JERICHO IS SANTA CLAUS! SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Show: You’re Santa?! How come you never told me that?! We were supposed to be buddies!

Jericlaus: Would you knock it off?

Show: So is this like a Santa Clause thing? Where you accidentally killed the real Santa, and now you have to take his place? Can I move to the North Pole with you?!

For some reason (I think it’s a Union thing, don’t tell Vince), Hornswoggle takes great offense to the mocking of Santa and his elves, so he attacks Jericho and Show. Soon, the whole ring is filled with little people, leading to the always hilarious image of Show bench pressing them with his fingers and tossing them into the roof.

DX, of course, can’t stand for this, because when they make fun of, beat up, and humiliate little people, that’s one thing. They’re faces. But Jericho and Show do it? Oh hell no! They successfully chase JeriShow out of the ring.

Triple H: Man. What a depressing show.

Shawn Michaels: I don’t know Hunter. We may have put on a crappy television program. But I think we’ve learned a valuable lesson. Midgets make great pets!

HHH: Oh come on. Are we really going there?

Shawn: I already bought a leash and a bowl for him. Hornswoggle’s going to stay in a little house outside Michaels Manor in San Antonio!

HHH: Michaels Manor?

Shawn: Hickenbottom Hovel doesn’t have quite the same ring.

HHH: How am I going to randomly build to a Wrestlemania match with Sheamus if I’m stuck doing humiliating crap like this?

Shawn: Dude…It’s Sheamus. You’ll come up with something.

Hornswoggle: And if you’re not down with this segment, I’ve got two words for ya!

And then it begins to snow, because a man becoming a stable’s pet is a Christmas Miracle. Or…Maybe it’s just dandruff from all the guys Show threw up into the rafters. Either way.

Next Week: Timbaland wonders where the hell all the Divas who were in his video went to (hint: They were fired!). Also, Sheamus continues a reign which is sure to go deep into the 2010s. And in a New Years celebration to end all New Years celebrations, CM Punk accidentally drinks a sip of champagne and goes on a two year long bender that ends with him sharing a cell with Jeff Hardy.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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