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RAW SATIRE    
Dimensional Cross-Rip~!

January 7, 2010

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last Week: Chris Jericho spent almost a whole episode standing outside frowning at nothing in particular. Also, Timbaland owned the show? I think? I can’t remember a single thing he did. Also, Sheamus’ Facebook status was still, “Champion?!” for the 800th week in a row. Will it change…TONIGHT?

(Opening Credits)

Hey, these are kind of different! Who the hell are all these people? Ugh. I guess I’ll just have to go by Chyrons. Your hosts as always? Mike Tenay, Tazz, and Blubbo. Wait…really?

The Amazing Red vs. Kiyoshi vs. Suicide vs. Homicide vs. “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal vs. Consequences Creed vs. Chris Sabin vs. Alex Shelley
In Some Sort of “Cage” Match

I guess Pesticide was busy? God, what is this, Internet Heat? I haven’t seen this many backflips since they cancelled Los Super Astros. Which was a fantastic show, I don’t care what you say. Why is this ring six sided (for two more points of iMPACT!). Why is this guy’s name Consequences? I swear I’ve tuned into an episode of FCW or something. Homicide pulls out a baton and whacks everybody with it, which of course brings about a DQ from WWE Developmental Referee Andrew Thomas. Which…wait…Did they seriously just call for a DQ during a cage match?! Come on, WWE. You’re better than this. Homicide takes about an hour trying to get out of the cage, which is hilarious. This of course, brings out the bastion of following the rules, Jeff Hardy, who is immediately carted back to prison.

(ads)

Somewhere, a limo runs over Shannon Moore. Elsewhere….

Christy Hemme: Kevin, how long are you going to living under Hunter’s couch?

Kevin Nash: Uh…until the cops find me, I guess? Does Stephanie know you’re here?

Christy: Stephanie just gave the WWE Title to Sheamus, I don’t know if she notices much of anything anymore.

Nash: Man, isn’t it exciting? Hulk Hogan is coming back tonight. I haven’t seen that guy in…weeks? Maybe?

Christy: Don’t you mean Bret Hart?

Nash: Who?

Victoria vs. ODB
For the Knockouts Title

Man, Old Dirty Bastard has really let himself go since he died. I thought the “Divas Title” was sexist, but “Knockouts” come on, guys. The announcers are going to spend the entire match talking about Twitter. Who the hell is Dixie Carter anyway? Wasn’t she Jimmy Wang Yang’s manager for a couple weeks? ODB won the title. Apparently. All I saw was an old guy drinking a coke. Which is about as fascinating as this match was, but still. Vince must be livid. Or…moderately upset, anyway. Frowning, at least. Ok, missing the ending of a women’s title match isn’t that big a deal. After the match, Victoria takes a spider out of her pants, because…um…I dunno. Sorry. Isn’t she retired?

Backstage, Ric Flair looks lost.

Ric Flair: WOO! Triple H?! Hunter, where are ya, buddy?

James Storm: Um….

Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

(ads)

Outside the building….

Mick Foley: Hey guys, I’m here. What do you have planned for me tonight?

Tough Enough Jessie: But Mick, you don’t work here anymore!

Foley: BANG BANG!

T.E. Jessie: Don’t shoot! WAAAAAAAH!

Meanwhile….

Kristal Lashley: I don’t know what the hell is going on here, but I want my husband Bobby to get fired. Again.

Bobby Lashley: Yup.

Kristal: Because he’d rather get beat up for real, instead of making just as much money for pretending to fall over all the time.

Bobby: Wait…what?

Backstage, dogs play poker. Under a couch somewhere…

Scott Hall: Hey, yo! Mang, I want some Twinkies.

X-Pac: Maybe you should lay off the Twinkies, man.

Hall: Or maybe we should find out if you have any cream filling.

X-Pac: Uh…heh…Yeah, I think there’s some Twinkies underneath one of those cushions over there. Man…Do you ever feel like wrestling again, Scott?

Hall: Mmmmfl?

X-Pac: Are you eating Justin Credible?

Hall: Mo!

Justin Credible: Get him off my leg!

Here’s another shot of that limo what killed Shannon Moore. The cops are chasing it, but it won’t pull over! SHOCKING SWERVE~!

(ads)

This is literally the worst episode of Internet Heat. When’s Bret Hart going to come out?

Hey, here’s Hulk Hogan! He looks really old. How in the world did they get him to appear on Internet heat? There’s Brooke at ringside, who is bigger than any of the guys who have appeared on the show tonight, and Hulk’s girlfriend, who looks exactly like Brooke. Which is weird. Hey it’s Scott Hall and X-Pac!

Hulk Hogan: You know something, brothers, they said it would never happen! That Hulk Hogan couldn’t take over the wrestling scene once again. For the 800th time! Well brothers, I’m here to tell you that it’s not going to happen. Whatchu gonna do?!

Eric Bischoff: I don’t know how if this is such a good idea, Hulk. I mean, what the hell were we thinking?

Hogan: Brother, if being an American Gladiator taught me anything, it’s how to appear on a show and make it a huge disappointment, dude.

Kevin Nash: Hey guys, do you have any couches I can live under?

Scott Hall: Aw man, did we get kicked out again?

OH MAN! YOU GUYS! I thought this show was on earlier than I expected! I was accidentally watching a really bad Nitro from 1997. Sorry! How did I let this happen?!

(Opening Credits)

Justin Roberts: Here’s some guy!

Bret Hart: Thanks for that thrilling introduction. You know, I’ve been living in a horrible depression for the last, twelve years, and it’s time to finally come out. I mean, I talked to Teddy Bears. I dressed up as a naked genie. I tried to end the universe. And I am really really sorry about that. But you guys, chanting about me and asking me to relive my worst moments from my life and career for twelve years…Ugh. Stop. Please stop. Now, even though I loathe everything about him, I want Shawn Michaels to come out here right now.

Shawn Michaels: HBearK, man? Really?

Hart: Come on, man. I’m trying to come out here and frown at everything and pretend that I’ve forgiven everyone for the craphole my life became after Survivor Series 1997, ok?

Shawn: Well, Bret. I’m actually pretty glad I did screw you, because nobody’s had more heat in Canada for the past 12 years than me. But you know what? Whatever. It’s all good. I think we can go backstage, have a good cry, remember that time I totally beat you during that Iron Man Match-

Hart: Damn that Gorilla Monsoon!

Shawn: -and let bygones be bygones. Because, quite frankly, you’re not going to be able to keep showing up on RAW if we both want to beat the hell out of each other. And I’m pretty sure that I could take you now.

Shawn and Bret shake hands.

Shawn: ….

Hart: ….

Shawn: ….

Hart: …Do you want to hug this one out?

Shawn: I thought you’d never ask.

Awkwaaaard.

Hart: Vince McMahon! Come out here and let’s hug this bitch out!

But…No Vince! Where could he be?!

(ads)

Meanwhile, over on Nitro, Elijah Burke is beating up some Bald Guy while Orlando Jordan does a tiny, tiny dance. Orlando Jordan? Really, you guys? No. Really? Also, Sean Cold Val Venis plays poker with those dogs from earlier. At least he found a job!

Backstage….

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by here with Vince McMahon’s Door. Yep. It’s a door.

Oh man, Vince’s Door is back tonight? They’re pulling out all the stops to fight off Nitro tonight!

Vince McMahon: Josh, why are you talking to my door? Is this what you do? How the hell much money to I pay you to wander around back here talking to inanimate objects?

Mathews: Not enough. Trust me.

Vince: Can’t you go find some real people to talk to?

Mathews: How about you? When are you going to talk to Bret Hart?

Vince: Who?

Mathews: Bret Hart? You know? The guy you screwed at Survivor Series 1997?

Vince: Oh man! Yeah! I…Shut up, Josh. Don’t be an idiot, I’m never talking to Bret Hart. Now go talk to Michael Cole’s Coffee Pot. See what it thinks of Jeff Hardy going to prison for another ten years.

Mathews: I hate you.

Maryse vs. Brie Bella (w/ Nikki Bella)
In a Divas Title Tournament Match

Apparently, Melina watched Nitro earlier tonight, and became so ill that she vacated the Divas title. We wish her the best in her future endeavors. Like watching Maria win Celebrity Apprentice. Lawler asks Cole how he keeps the Bellas straight, and Cole basically says, “Uh…I really don’t give a crap?” Man, J.R. should’ve said that yeeeears ago. They try to pull the ol’ switcheroo, but Maryse just hits Nikki with a DDT anyway for the win. Well…she should’ve just started off with that move then.

Does Miz have new music? This is horrible.

The Miz: Maryse, I know I just spent a million years trying to get you to even notice me, but now I’m going to blow you off and speak French instead. But…I don’t know any French. So…um…Adios.

Maryse just stares straight ahead and smiles. Sweet promo, guys!

(ads)

Over on Nitro, Jeff Jarrett is confused, because Hulk Hogan remembers that one time they were feuding a couple years ago that nobody but him remembers. Hey! Raven! Lookin’ tired, buddy! What the hell is Daffney dressed up as?

Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Jack Swagger vs. Mark Henry
In a Fatal Fourway for the Number One Contendership for the United States Title

Mark Henry is asleep outside the ring to start. Not exactly firing out of the gate that Mark Henry. Cole bothers to ask Miz who he’d rather face of the four, and Miz is all, “Uh…Carlito, because he never wins these matches.” I would pick Henry, because he’d probably nap through getting counted out. Mark finally wakes up, but only to snuggle with Swagger. They’re such a cute couple! Finally Mark leaves, and MVP hits the Playmaker on Swagger for the win. What in the hell happened to Carlito? What ever happens to Carlito?!

Backstage….

Chris Jericho: I’ve got a plan.

Big Show: Oh, God. Don’t start. I don’t even want to know.

Jericho: But this one is going to work!

Show: You’re like a really awful Scooby Doo villain. You know that? You’re never going to beat Triple H. Just accept it! You probably could’ve stayed on RAW if we just kept feuding with MVP or whatever.

Jericho: You’re no fun, you know that?

(ads)

Over on Nitro, a fat Samoan guy beats up Mick Foley circa 1996. Also, for seemingly no reason, The Nasty Boys eating donuts.

Backstage….

Bret Hart: -and that’s the story of how I became a genie. On ice.

Chris Jericho: I know. I’ve heard that story a million times, Bret. It’s me! You know? Chris Jericho.

Hart: Right, right. Do you mind if I make that autograph out to “Chris?” The whole name is kind of long to write out, you know?

Jericho: You don’t remember me? I trained in the Dungeon! One could say I was it’s most successful student that didn’t eventually go insane!

Hart: Doesn’t ring a bell, sorry. Ring a bell…Hey that reminds me, did I ever tell you about the time-

Jericho: Yes. Yes, ok, you told me about ALL THE TIMES! When I was TRAINING WITH YOU! IN THE DUNGEON!

Hart: No need to get cranky. Geez.

Jericho: Will you help me screw over Shawn Michaels or not?

Hart: Why would I do that? Didn’t you see our uncomfortable hug earlier? I’m a redeemed man.

Jericho: Bruce was always the best Hart!

Jericho storms off.

Bret: Man, Lance Storm has really let himself go.

Elsewhere….

Triple H: Hungerer, do you want to play with these new Mattel Toys, which are way better than the Jakks Pacific ones because they accidentally used the old He-Man mold to make me?

Hornswoggle: Uh…Not really. Because I’m, like, 30.

HHH: I’ve seen your neck beard, you want to play with them, man. I even found my old Orko, we can pretend is you!

Hornswoggle: OH MY GOD! That’s the original “moving Orko” with the ripcord! Does it still work?!

HHH: Does it ever!

Shawn Michaels: Hey guys. I can’t shake this malaise. Twelve years of hating somebody so much, even though everything in my soul told me it was-

HHH: What is this, Dr. Phil? You can be Teela.

Shawn: I just made up with Bret Hart, man! Give me so-

HHH: Did you just say you made out with Bret Hart? Eeeeeew!

Hornswoggle: You don’t know where he’s been, Shawn!

Santino Marella: Look at-a me! I’m-a dressed up-a as my-a Mattel action-a figure!

HHH: They modeled your action figure after a Barbie?!

Santino: Just like-a in real-a life, I’m-a two feet-a taller than-a you guys, and-a I’m not-a anatomically correct-a!

HHH: And with that, I’m out. C’mon, boy. I’ve got a cookie!

Hornswoggle: That couldn’t seriously have been for me, right?

HHH: It’s a chocolate covered peanut butter cookie!

Hornswoggle: Aw screw it. It’s worth it.

Hornswoggle bounds after Hunter.

Shawn: Santino, I can’t deal with this heavy burden being lifted off my heart. Making up with Bret, finally, after all these years has-

Santino: Do you-a really want-a to play confessional-a with a man dressed-a as a Barbie?

Shawn: I kind of wish your toy was molded after a Hot Wheels.

Santino: Don’t we all, sister. Don’t we all.

(ads)

Over on Nitro, Evan Bourne is back flipping over what’s left of Kurt Angle while Mick Foley gets beat up by…some group.

Eric Bischoff: Guys, what do we call ourselves? We can’t call ourselves…you know what, because you know who bought all the rights.

Sean Waltman: Well…can’t we call ourselves the “nWo” but have it mean something else?

Kevin Nash: Brilliant! And if anybody says anything, we’ll just fire Russo and say it was his idea.

Hulk Hogan: Ok, then brothers, we’ve got to figure out a new name, dudes. Scottamania, you’ve always been the savvy one, come up with a new name for this nWo!

Scott Hall: We’ll be the New…World…um…er…Oooorderrrrrrrrrrr…r.

Bischoff: Brilliant.

BEST NITRO OF THE YEAR!

JeriShow vs. Degeneration X (w/ Hornswoggle)
For the WWE Unified Tag Team Titles

An-

(ads)

Ugh. Not tonight, show. I just endured two hours of Nitro. I don’t have the patience for that. Hornswoggle tries to get involved but Show’s hand is bigger than his helmet, so he ducks back under the ring. Good call, I think. They have a nice little match going, but things quickly devolve into a bunch of random finishers happening every ten seconds. Jericho even manages to hit Hunter with the Code Breaker twice (twice!). I bet Hunter’s pissed because he didn’t think of using both his knees on the face buster before Jericho did. Jericho punts Hornswoggle into the crowd, but Shawn finally pulls himself together enough to get a Superkick in for the win. After the match, Big Show sort of just shrugs because it’s not like he’s going anywhere, he’s still on the show where damn Sheamus is the champion, while Hunter (unsuccessfully) tries to lead the crowd in a chorus of “Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye” while Jericho shuffles off…to another part of the same company. For a couple more months. If that.

Backstage….

Vince McMahon: What’s going on out in this hallway?

Randy Orton: Vance! I’m just praying water boggy bowling!

Vince: Oh great. Randy Orton. What the hell do you want?

Orton: I want to kicker Brad Hurt! What kind of Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy would I bees if I didn’t! And If I do, you can put me at Nugget 33 in the Regal Rumple!

Vince: Um…No. That’s not going to happen.

*CODY RHODES INTERVIEW ALERT*

Cody Rhodes: Hi!

Ted DiBiase: Hey, Randy! If you lose tonight to Kofi Johnston, we’re going to kick you out of The Lemony, and then we’re going to beat you up.

Orton: Oh Noes!

(ads)

Evan Bourne vs. Sheamus

Sheamus says that he’s sick of the lack of competition (?!) in WWE so he’s offering anybody a WWE Spinnin’ Title match. Anybody but Goldust, of course. So they run out Evan Bourne which…why not. He just defended his TNA Title, after all. This couldn’t be that much different, right? Bourne gets in a couple moves, more than you would expect from him, and by that I mean two. Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!)! Sheamus wins! If this guy main events Wrestlemania…ugh.

(ads)

Kofi-

(ads)

Kofi Johnston vs. Randy Orton

Didn’t we just have this conversation, show? Geez. True to their word, Lemony is at ringside, though I don’t think they’re actually watching the match. I love the Dayton crowd because they’re seriously pro-Orton in this one, to the point where Kofi’s actually getting booed. I know he’s just some jobber, but the guy is Shelton crowd. Come on! Give him a break! It doesn’t surprise me, though. Rick Scaia is the biggest Randy Orton fan I know.

(ads)

What the hell kind of a name for an arena is the “Nutter Center” anyway? Too many crazies in Dayton? I do love that they’ve given up and just admit that Kofi’s from Ghana now. I wonder if his mom called and bitched them out. You know if they were serious about pushing him as a face, they’d pretend he was from somewhere in the U.S. Kofi goes for the Trouble in Suburban Ghana, but it misses, and he falls over and Orton wins! The Lemony looks depressed.

Backstage, Vince is water bottle bowling.

(ads)

In the ring….

Vince McMahon: All right, let’s put an end to it. I’m sick and tired of this whole “Bret Hart” thing. I mean, ten years ago, when Bret screwing Bret was what was making us a ton of money, yeah cool. Whatever. But now? With Bret coming back and basically making out with Shawn Michaels and generally trying to be a nice guy? There’s no fun in this anymore. So what the hell? Bret, I want you to sell the show. And not only do I want you to sell the show, I want you to sell it to the man who personified the WWE’s turnaround during the Attitude era: Mike Tyson!

Bret Hart: I’ll do that, Vince. I will. But first, I want to come out here and talk. Because, throughout my career I’ve always been known as a promo guy. So Vince, let’s bring this down to funky town, you dig? The Hitman’s gonna rock ya until he drops ya, if you wheeeeeeel.

Vince: Knock that off.

Hart: Sorry. I just wanted to do that once.

Vince: Do you remember Wrestlemania 2?

Hart: Does anybody?

Vince: No. But I looked it up on Wikipedia, and apparently you were in it. You were in Wrestlemania 2, Bret! The second one! That’s like…forever ago! And I guess there were some football players in there! Do you know what that means?!

Hart: That I’m really trying to resist the urge to punch you again and write “TNA” in the air even though even I know that would be a terrible idea?

Vince: No, Bret, it means that we’re both super old. And I’ve got a feeling that, unless we want this to be one of those feuds that super old men carry with them to the grave like a pair of crotchety old grumps, that we should probably just let bygones be bygones and let Survivor Series slide. In fact, to make reparations, I’m inducting Stu Hart into the WWE Hall of Fame even though the Wrestling Writers didn’t give him the required 76% of the required votes to get in this year.

Hart: That means a lot, Vince. I always did think those guys were a bunch of pompous jerks who wrongly withheld their votes to protect the “integrity” of a fake sport.

Vince: So what did you get me?

Hart: The best twenty years of my life?

Vince: Well…um…that’s too bad. Ok. Time to move on to the handshaking part.

They shake hands, and raise each others arms, but when Bret isn’t looking, Vince kicks him in the balls. He’s been waiting for over a decade to do that! Vince runs backstage while Bret completely no-sells the attack, because even after all these years, he’s not willing to give Vince that one. Nice to see everything resolved!

Next Week: Iron Mike Tyson comes back and asks everybody if they’ve seen “The Hangover” yet. Also, the most uncomfortable women’s segments ever! EVER! And Shawn Michaels confronts Vince, wondering why he wasn’t the one to finally get to kick Bret.

 
E-MAIL MATT
   
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES


  
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